“The Matthew 18 Principle”
By Chad Young
Based on my study of the New Testament, church history, and my personal experience, I strongly feel one of the biggest problems in the church since its first inception in the first century A.D. is and always has been disunity. I grew up as “a preacher’s kid” in a tiny little town in Alabama called Valley, “the place where people care and share” (or at least that’s what the welcome sign said when you drove into town).
My early impression of the church was that it’s okay to talk bad about other people behind their backs. I mean I was taught in Sunday school that gossip is wrong, but what I saw with my eyes and heard with my ears taught me that most people do it nonetheless. I heard people badmouth my dad (when he wasn’t around) whenever he made a decision someone didn’t like. People talked badly about the choir director, youth leader, the sweet old lady who always sat in the back of the church, and on and on.
When I graduated from college and began working in the paper industry as a process engineer, I noticed a trend while I dealt with people in the workplace. It seemed everyone talked badly about everyone! They just couldn’t help themselves! And since everyone else did it, I did it, too. At first, it made me feel good about myself to put down others when they weren’t around. When I concentrated on others’ issues and weaknesses, it seemed I forgot about my own problems and weaknesses.
Over time, I began to notice this judgmental, critical attitude I had was taking its toll on my life. Not only was my love for others and compassion for them decreasing, but this attitude was constantly causing broken fellowship with God and a lack of personal love and adoration towards Him!
I would like to introduce a topic I lovingly call “The Matthew 18 Principle” and share a story about how this principle began to transform my life after I went into full-time ministry. I cannot emphasize enough how life-changing and life-giving this principle can be!
Daytona Beach Story of Growth
Several years ago, shortly after I went into full-time ministry with Campus Crusade for Christ, I was serving as a mentor to 6 young college students on a summer project in Daytona Beach, FL. One of my young guys was a student from a college campus in California (we’ll call him Jake for the sake of protecting the names of the innocent), and from the minute he arrived on project, Jake was trouble.
Within the first few days of project, the other 5 guys in my discipleship group were complaining that Jake was a jerk. One of my guys said Jake pushed him during a friendly basketball game and tried to pick a fight. If that wasn’t enough, I had a couple of the staff women on project approach me to inform me Jake was making some of the female students on project feel uncomfortable. Apparently he had spoken to one of the girls and told her she had a nice figure and should wear clothing to accentuate her female parts, and he had also touched a couple of other girls and made them feel uncomfortable.
To me, it was looking as though we were going to be sending this guy right back to California, and I spoke with the project director, Earle Chute, about the situation with Jake. Earle, a legendary wise spiritual leader in our region of the country within Campus Crusade, sat me down and showed me something that forever changed my life.
He opened up his Bible to Matthew 18:15-17 and read to me the “three step process” Jesus laid out in those verses: “If a brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
Wow! Those verses had laid it out as clear as a bell! If we had sent Jake home, we would have been taking step 3 before we ever tried steps 1 or 2. Earle encouraged me to tell the students and staff that spoke with me about Jake to follow Matthew 18:15 and go to him themselves.
Before I even got a chance to talk to anyone about this “new revelation,” a staff woman, Brandy, came to me and informed me that Jake had left an outreach team meeting she was leading and slammed the door right in front of the whole group. She tried to confront him about it and find out why he just got up and left so violently (think step 1 above), but he responded by telling her she was the worst leader he’s ever met. He told her he had a lot that he could teach her about leading a group!
Well, that was our opportunity to put step 2 in Matthew 18:16 into practice. Brandy and I sat down with Jake, and I explained to him how he had hurt Brandy by leaving her meeting and then telling her what an awful leader she was. We went over the entire conversation she had with him after the meeting, and we read Matthew 18:15-17 together so Jake understood why we were having this conversation. I then asked Jake whether he was soft hearted and sorry he had hurt Brandy or hard hearted and just didn’t care how he made her feel.
I was disappointed to hear Jake respond by saying he just didn’t care, but then something happened. He thought about it for a second, and he said, “But I guess I can pray about it.” Brandy and I looked at each other, and we all agreed to meet again the next day after Jake had time to pray about it. At this point, I was doubtful that Jake would be allowed to stay on project.
The next day, Jake was different. He began weeping when we went over the previous conversation again and told him how he had made Brandy feel, and then Jake really surprised me when he looked at Brandy and said he was sorry. He told her he had been wrong for treating her that way, and Brandy forgave him.
When I finally got a chance to talk to the other students and staff and tell them they should speak to Jake about the other problems he was causing, I was surprised to find out many of them had already talked to him. I was even more surprised to hear Jake had been very humble in those conversations, and he had repented!
Many students’ lives were transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit that summer in Daytona Beach, but I don’t know if anyone changed more than Jake. Right before my eyes, he became more and more gentle and humble, and his love for the Lord and for other people grew. Halfway through the summer, the staff left the project while the students remained and took over the leadership of the project. I kept in touch with my 6 guys, and every time I talked to them I heard amazing stories about how God was continuing to transform Jake. He became an “evangelism machine” on project, and he got a chance to lead someone to Christ! Everyone seemed amazed at what God was doing in Jake’s life.
The story didn’t end there! Three years later, I was brought to tears of joy when I heard the news that Jake was going to be a full-time missionary by coming on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ! God is certainly amazing, and his truth transforms lives!
That’s just one story of how one passage of scripture has changed my life forever. There are many other stories about how that passage and many, many other passages of scripture have transformed and shaped my life, but don’t take my word for it! If you haven’t already begun to do it, start now by taking time each day to read the Bible and allow the life-giving words in it to transform your life. Not only doesn’t it give explicit instructions on how you should relate to people and deal with confrontation, but it gives the perfect information you need to deal with every situation and every decision in your life.
Practical Application
An important thing to remember is that Matthew 18:15-17 is not just a friendly suggestion on how we should interact in our relationships with other people. It’s a COMMAND that’s been given to us by the Creator Himself! If we are to grow in our love for Him and seek to live a life pleasing to Him, we’ve got to master “The Matthew 18 Principle.”
The following is a paraphrased version of “The Matthew 18 Principle” with suggestions on how you can begin to apply this important principle to your life:
1) When a brother or sister in Christ does or says anything to hurt you or frustrate you, approach them and speak to them one-on-one about your concern or problem. Also, if you see any sin in someone’s life, voice your concern about this sin one-on-one (in accordance to the command in Eph. 4:15 and 2 Thes. 5:14).
First of all, notice this command only applies to brothers and sisters in Christ. Someone who does not have Christ in their lives could not possibly know or even care about what pleases God. When you believe a person is likely a believer, then you must speak to them about a hurt or frustration.
It’s not really a matter of if you’re going to be hurt or frustrated by someone, but when you’re hurt by someone. People are sinful, and we tend to make mistakes, especially when we’re not walking in the Spirit, according to God’s command in Eph. 5:18.
On top of that, we also have differences in personality and preferences and differences in strengths and weaknesses. For example, some people like structure and organization. They’re very scheduled and prefer timeliness and orderliness. Others are very spontaneous and prefer a flexible schedule and more freedom.
It’s important to try to understand other people and love them for who they are, and there may be times we just learn to bear with people (Eph. 4:2, Col. 3:13) and forgive them if our disagreement or frustration is a result of a difference in personality. That doesn’t mean, however, we should just keep our frustration to ourselves and let it build up. We still need to communicate it to them in a loving way so they will know this is a potential source of frustration to us. That will help them to seek to be sensitive to us and our needs.
For example, if you are someone who likes to begin a Sunday School class you’re teaching on time and someone in the class is habitually fifteen minutes late, it’s important to communicate to them your concerns. It’s important to include all of your concerns, including how it makes you frustrated as a teacher, how their tardiness is a distraction to the rest of the class, how others might feel frustrated, etc. Who knows? You may find out important information that helps you understand why they’re late (like they have a fifteen minute prayer meeting before your class).
If you’re finding yourself going months without ever confronting anyone about a problem or frustration, then you’re probably being disobedient by not confronting someone. We all have differences, and I find myself speaking “truth” to someone (probably because I’m in full-time ministry and am involved in discipleship in many others’ lives) almost weekly.
The other KEY part of this command is that we MUST talk to people and confront them when we see sin in their lives. Not only does it help us to forgive them, but it also helps them to see the sin. It’s possible they haven’t seen it yet, and we may be the person God wants to use to reveal it to them. When we see sin in a brother or sister’s life and don’t confront them, we are potentially robbing them of an opportunity to confess it and get things right with God!
2) If you confront someone and they are not repentant, then confront them again with one or two others.
Rarely do I find myself having to go to this second step of confrontation, but it does happen every once in a while. God is a God of second chances, and sometimes it just takes time for someone to turn away from their sin.
The other part of this is the importance of witnesses. God tends to reveal His will and His plan to more than just one person (ex. Jesus’ birth, miracles, death, resurrection). Just because something “seems” sinful to one person doesn’t mean it’s sinful.
One example of this could be drinking wine. Now I’m not going to get into a theological discussion of whether or not drinking alcohol is sinful because that would take hours! However, there are Christians all over the world that believe the Bible supports drinking alcohol in moderation, and there are Christians who interpret the Bible differently. In this case, it might take witnesses if someone is confronting someone else for drinking alcohol if they believe this consumption of alcohol is causing a problem. If there are no witnesses who share the same concern, then maybe it isn’t a problem at all.
3) If the brother or sister in Christ is still not repentant over the sin, then take it to the church or to higher authorities in the body of Christ.
Now it’s very rare that I’ve had to go to this third step with a brother or sister in Christ. People who have Christ in their lives have the Holy Spirit working to convict them of their sin, and a true believer would rarely be non-responsive to confrontation. However, it does happen. When it does, it’s time to get higher authorities in the body of Christ involved.