Changing The Vernacular:
A Listener's Guide to the Drew and Mike Show
Volume IV: 2001 Edition
A
A goes into B until both have had enough Mike Clark’s philosophy of adult sexual relations, which is so self-explanatory that it is difficult to elaborate upon further and clearly explains the oft-cited lack of sexual interest demonstrated by his wife.
Abian, Alexander Dr. A professor at the University of Iowa, he is generally accepted as the smartest man to ever be on the show. Developed a theory that proposed blowing up the moon as a method of ridding the Earth of pathogen, disease, and other various ills. Possesses a thick German accent, and is perhaps best known for his utterance of “I will fling you like baby poop.”
Absolutely! The usual and expected response to the question "Did you drink last night?"
Actual Audio If they say it is, it isn’t.
Ahhhhhhhssshhole Drawn out method of pronouncing the word “asshole.” Generally used as a method of circumventing F.C.C. limitations on the number of occasions in which this word can be uttered on the air.
Al Father of Marc, a morning show co-producer, considered to be some kind of an expert on the Twenty questions game. See "Huh Marc" and "Twenty Questions."
Alien Hand Syndrome Actual medical condition that prevents affected individuals from controlling the use of their hand. Blamed for a variety of misdeeds, including murder and excessive masturbation.
Anchor Term that describes any individual that tends to delay the progress of others. Individuals that write checks for small purchases, use excessive amounts of coupons, or unexpectedly ask others for transportation to or from social gatherings are common examples of this type of character.
Angry Spider Synonym for the anus. For instance: “That fat bitch Lewinski tongue bathed Clinton’s angry spider.”
Apparently General term that is used to justify any false or misleading information provided. For instance, one of the hosts may state to someone on the telephone “Apparently we were supposed to have an interview” when indeed no such arrangements had been made. Similar to a negative sign that precedes a bracketed algebraic statement, this word renders all given data as highly suspect if not outright false.
Applegate Syndrome Named after actress Christina Applegate, this term refers to a phenomena in which young, physically attractive females do not age well and eventually turn into skanks. See “Odometer Turning Over” and “Skank.”
April 21 Mike Clark’s birthday.
Archie Former doorman from Detroit that occasionally calls the show with entertaining thoughts and comments. Usually accompanied by the "Everything's Archie" song.
Armageddon Word used to communicate the desire to conclude a sexual act. For instance, shouting this word may indicate to the other participant that it is time remove the gerbil from the anal cavity.
Ass Peculiar and unpleasant aroma that is difficult to define specifically, and the source of which is hard to determine or render precise. For instance, “This place smells like ass.”
Attic Farts Flatulence thought to emanate from the upper regions, or “attic” of one’s bowels. Such emissions are generally recognizable by a stale, “dusty” stench that appears to haunt the “fart zone” for extended periods of time. See “Hang Time” and “Death Star Fart.”
Audio Separated at Birth Invariably, whenever a sound bite of someone’s voice is broadcast, listeners will call and state the name of another individual who sounds similar. A history of this process has revealed an uncanny accuracy rate that would appear to indicate that several of these individuals are related to each other and were indeed separated at birth.
Audio Talent Contest An interactive game in which listeners call in and try to win prizes by impressing the staff with various audio-related skills, such as voice impersonations, mimicry of vomiting, fart imitations, or other such colorful demonstrations of vocal skill and ability.
August 16 Trudi’s birthday.
B
Baaaaaaattttttcccchhhhh!!! Catch phrase of Mike while cheering for Detroit Lions quarterback Charlie Batch.
Babe Mike Clark’s preferred method of referring to male listeners. Thought to be kind of homo.
Babone, Mike Canadian man that gathered signatures in an attempt to convince Jay Leno to allow him to be on the Tonight Show, and has actually appeared to be on the brink of getting his own cable show. A reference to him is sometimes used as a metaphor for that which is ludicrous.
Back Pressure Medical condition significantly exacerbated by a saturated and voluminous testicular region. See “Full Bag” and “PSI.”
Backman Term that describes the individual responsible for clean-up and patrolling activities at video pornography booths. The basic job duties include the removal of discharged spermatozoa from the video screens and booth areas, expulsion of male and female prostitutes, and the banishment of men engaged in homosexual behavior on the premises.
Ball Walking Describes the act of men parading about with their genitalia protruding from their trousers. Considered an act of macho swagger, this practice first came to light during the Tailhook scandal of the mid-1990’s.
Balls! Utterance from Mike meaning "Darn!" or "Shucks!"
Bean, Joseph W. Author of the book “Flogging,” which provides tutorial instructional on the art of beating other’s genitals, often until bloodied. Available from Greenery Press.
Beard Member of the opposite sex used to disguise an individual's homosexuality. For instance, Connie, Nancy, and Tess were all Drew’s "beards."
(Editor’s Note: While Marc is generally the preferred candidate for insinuations of homosexuality, his lack of ever having a girlfriend prohibits his use under this definition. As Wolters has been fucking a supermodel and Clark is married, Drew is hereby promoted to designated hitter.)
Beast, The Nick name for Hillary Clinton.
Beating Someone with an Oar Punishment invented by Mike after a plane crashed off the coast of Somalia and the natives used this penalty to castigate individuals that had hijacked the plane. Has been applied to a variety of scenarios in which punishment and water somehow could be applied together.
Beejer The act of oral sex as performed on a male.
Being the Last One to Speak to an Old Person Something to gloat over when the elderly individual in question passes away. This is generally accomplished at the end of an interview when both hosts attempt to be the last to yell "Bye!" into the phone before it disconnects. The tape of the interview will then be played back at a slow speed in order to determine the "winner." Mike currently leads 7 – 3, with one tie.
Belting the Bald Bishop Metaphorical term used to reference the act of male masturbation. Also "Floggin' it," "Punching the Clown," and "Wristin' it."
Bestiality A history of the show demonstrates an indisputable fascination with this subject. Anytime that bestiality is mentioned anywhere in the media, Drew and Mike will find a participant, witness, or other bystander for interview on the show. To date, they have covered in-depth stories regarding humans having sex with turkeys, dogs, sheep, an individual in Sweden that actually raped 2 cows, and a guy that married a horse while also admitting to having sex with a dog.
Big Ole Baby This phrase began with a tabloid story about a gigantic baby. The child's mother was interviewed via telephone, Elvis was somehow interjected into the conversation, and now any similar stories about colossal children must be referred to with this phrase, and only in an Elvis voice, such as "Ahhhhhhhh thas a big ole baby." This practice routinely creeps into other stories about large things, such as "Ahhhhhhhh thas a big ole house, car, etc."
BIIIIIITTTTCH!!! Catch phrase of Mike, used to taunt, humiliate, or otherwise degrade any female thought to be deserving of such treatment. Also used as a sort of greeting and tribute. For instance: “To all the guys at ACME - BIIIIIIIIITTTTTCH!!!!!!!”
Bi-Lingual Man Drew's alter ego when he attempts to communicate with a Spanish-speaking individual. Drew's grasp of the language is limited at best, consisting mostly of insults, and such attempts at conversation usually turn ugly rather quickly. See “Idiota.”
Bitch Splitter Misogynistic term describing a large penis, usually as associated with an individual of African-American decendency.
Bitch Titties Insensitive phrase describing the attributes of male individuals suffering from hypermastia.
Bite People Describes individuals with the penchant for requesting a bite of other people’s food. Generally considered to be incredibly annoying anchors. See “Anchors.”
Bloids The tabloids, a frequent source of news, information, and entertainment on the show. See "Irresponsible Speculation."
BlueBoy Magazine Homosexually-oriented magazine featuring nude photographs of young, clean-cut men. Subscribed to by show co-producer Marc Fellhauer.
Blue Shirts An on-going discussion on the show concerning whether or not blue shirts represent a legitimate fashion trend. Mike has adopted the pro-blue stance, while Drew maintains that we live in a mostly white shirt dominated world.
Bob Boner Double entendre-laden, horny, occasional guest of the show.
Boinking The act of sexual intercourse.
Bong Hit Championship Cable-access television program in Seattle where contestants phone in to (206) 421-5005 and compete in order to determine who can take the longest hit off a bong, using the sound of the gurgling water as the quantitative standard. Hosted by Mark C., a 40 year old stoner guitar player that lives with his 71 year old mother. Was fired from a job as a Santa at Liquidation World for promoting the Santa gig on his show.
Bonnie Mike’s pussy little chick dog whose picture occupies a coveted place within his wallet. Best known for it’s habit of constantly urinating and defecating throughout Mike’s home. See “Skank (House Of).”
Boo Boo Boo Boo A taunt designed to degrade and humiliate fans of an opponent's sports team. First used to ridicule Philadelphia Flyers fans during the 1997 Stanley Cup finals. Largely displaced by the use of “Tooooooooooo Bad!” in late 1999. See “Tooooooooooo Bad.”
Boy In the Hood Synonym for the clitoris.
Brass Nads Describes male individuals thought to possess above average courage.
Brass Ovaries Describes female individuals thought to possess above average courage.
Bruce Former WRIF intern, best known for his fondness of disrobing in public.
Bruce PALtrow This melodic piece is a sound bite of Gweneth Paltrow referencing her father during her 1999 Academy Award acceptance speech. As with so many of these definitions, a narrative description does little justice to the actuality.
Buffet Bob Gravitationally-challenged individual that attracted attention from law enforcement officials when he apparently took an “all you can eat” invitation at a Chinese restaurant a little too seriously and nearly ate the place bankrupt. While this feat was indeed marginally amusing, his true entertainment value was established during his on-air interview, where he demonstrated a thorough preparedness for his 15 minutes of fame by being ready with several anti-Chinese witticisms and fat jokes.
Butt Good A task performed quite well; a splendid job, as in "He put it to her 'Butt Good'."
Butt Mike A wise fart that occasionally offers intellectual commentary on a variety of issues.
C
C and D Cease and Desist. A judicial order occasionally imposed upon WRIF for any of a variety of legal infractions. Usually involves the airing of musical performances that have not been officially released by the owners of the recording, such as Van Halen.
Cable Guy, The Individual that made a multitude of telephone calls to his cable television provider in order to complain about a service outage. The recorded messages represent an incredibly eloquent and articulate string of profane narratives that have come to epitomize the general outrage felt by anyone that has ever attempted unsuccessfully to gain assistance from a service industry organization.
Cal Ripken Jr. Record The Drew and Mike Show first went on the air in Novemver 1991. From this time until Thursday, January 18, 2001, Mike never missed a single day of work, a streak considered absolutely incredible considering the unbelievably unhealthy lifestyle enjoyed by Mike. The streak finally ended when Mike, who reportedly was drooling, foaming at the mouth, and intermittently fetal with some type of intestinal disorder, actually called in sick and missed an entire day of work. See “Fetal Position.”
Camel Toe Phrase that describes the pubic area of a female. Derived from the physical resemblance to the pied region associated with the phalangial areas of these desert beasts.
Candyman Unfortunate gentleman that was left disabled after being severely burned in a firebombing several years ago and now makes his living selling candy in front of CVS drugstores. Unofficially adopted by WRIF after running afoul of law for doing nothing more than trying to earn an honest living selling his candy and being denied by the state Medicaid program for medically necessary services that had been deemed “cosmetic.”
Cans Synonym for breasts. Frequently referred to in Hog Speak, such as "Nice cans there bitch." See "Hog Speak."
Car Wash Joe Slow-moving and rather inactive employee of a local car wash organization that frequently contacts the show during the various interactive games that are played. Generally treated with respect despite the fact that he is clearly an anchor of immense proportion. See “Anchor.”
Carbon Unit Metaphor for any person.
Cardboard Condo Phrase that describes miniature habitats constructed by lethargic or slothful manufacturing employees. Generally used for purposes of labor avoidance, slumber, or other inanimate or vegetative behavior.
Carmen, Kam Fox TV2 personality frequently stalked by Mike because of her beauty, charm, and outright sex appeal. Was driven nearly insane with jealousy in early 1999 when Mike turned his stalking prowess towards her co-worker Lucy Nolan.
Cart 2 Poorly functioning piece of equipment that is designed to play audio actualities, but is rarely operational. Technical difficulties are generally blamed on it.
Celebrity Assault Tote Board Scoring system designed to keep track of male assaults on females, and female assaults on males, in order to determine which gender is prevailing. Was erased by some asshole on the afternoon shift (probably Meltdown).
Chamber of Farts, The Insidious place where individuals are farted upon with no mercy. Originally from a South Park broadcast.
Chinese Arithmetic Term used as a metaphor for a particularly solid and inflexible erection. For instance: “I was as hard as Chinese arithmetic.” Originally from Ike Turner’s autobiography.
Choad A penis thought to have excessive girth. See “Deathpool Dave.”
Chop Job Disparaging or depreciative editing or interpretation of articulated circumstances. Used by long-time CBS broadcaster Mike Wallace when interviewing Mike’s father, Dick Clark (no relation to the more famous American icon and former host of “Bandstand”).
Choo Choo Lady, The Lady disintegrated by a train on the "Banned from TV" video. Scene is occasionally surreptitiously edited into other video clips in order to shock and repulse unsuspecting viewers.
Circled Days Metaphor for the days in which females are experiencing their menstrual cycles.
Circus General term used to describe media stories that would seem implausible, and yet appear to be true. Usually accompanied by circus-type music.
Clarked Describes the process of being verbally undressed, groped, and sexually assaulted by Mike Clark. Also “Ministered.”
Cliff Notes Theater Shortened versions of popular films, acted out by Drew, Mike, Trudi, and various other WRIF employees.
Clock Weights Synonym for the testicles.
Cloud Deck Describes a particularly impressive remnant of excrement that was abandoned in a toilet bowl or elsewhere. Occasionally used as a metaphor for that which is disgusting.
Clowns Mischievous individuals thought to be up to no good. Clowns occasionally try to infiltrate various aspects of the show, and must be guarded against at all times.
Clublove.com Web site offering pornographic services that always seems to have superlative content quicker than it’s competitors. Held in high esteem by the WRIF staff. See “Seth.”
Commander Astar The leader of the extra-terrestrials that transport Stan Johnson. See "Stan Johnson."
Cop Pants Unusual fashion statement advocated by Drew. Apparently, this stems from his favoritism towards a game known as “Hide the Nightstick,” which he enjoys playing with certain male friends that are employed in the law enforcement sector. See “Apparently.”
Count David Wimp Mildly developmentally disabled individual that set a goal of counting up to one million by ones on a calculator, simply by adding one plus one and then pressing the plus sign over and over again. Actually reached his goal and continued on. At last check he had reached the five million mark and was closing in on 6. Rumored to dress his wife up as a plus sign in order to achieve sexual excitement.