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CARMINE. Here’s an idea – spare me the hillbilly how-to’s and go find your
bullets.
MAXIE. (Ticked off.) I think I’ll do just that. But you keep up the chin music, you
may regret me findin’ ‘em. (Storms out stage left swinging door. Carmine, anxious
jumps up, races to the window, looks out. Jenna, in skirt and blouse, dressed up for
Ty, hurries in upstage left door, crosses to Carmine.)
JENNA. (Nervous.) Okay, what do you think? Am I pretty? Do I look alright?
(Grabs him by the collar, frantic.) Tell me! I really, really need to know!
CARMINE. Uh … no, you look fine! As a matter of fact, you look fantastic!
JENNA. You’re not just saying that? Because I haven’t seen my boyfriend in six
months and I have to look beautiful! (Shakes him.) And I mean beautiful!!
CARMINE. (Eases her away.) Okay, okay! You are beautiful.
JENNA. (Calms down.) That’s so nice of you to say. How can I ever thank you?
CARMINE. Well … if you really want to thank me … how about checking all the
locks in my room. Call me crazy, but they don’t look so secure.
JENNA. Don’t worry. It’s very safe here. It’s not like some thug’s going to burst
through the door or anything. (Ty Wilburn, 30, handsome, normally easy-going,
bursts through upstage center door, wears jeans, motorcycle jacket and helmet.)
TY. (Shouts.) JENNA!! (Carmine freaks, drops to the floor.)
JENNA. (Delighted, throws open her arms.) Ty!
TY. (Raves, storms toward Jenna, oblivious of Carmine.) Okay, Jenna! Where’s
the guy who’s been hitting on you? I’ll tear him apart! (Unnoticed, Carmine
quickly crawls to the window, hides behind a drapery panel.)
JENNA. (To Ty.) That’s it?! You haven’t seen me in six months and you come in
screaming at me?
TY. Maxie says you have a boyfriend. What do you expect me to do?
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JENNA. (Plays it cool.) Well … now that we’ve both started new lives, I guess it
would hardly be right for me to expect anything of you, Ty.
TY. We didn’t agree to start new lives. You’re still my girl! Nothing changes that.
JENNA. Your girl?! Kinda like your wallet, your footstool, your doormat?! I’ll tell
you what changes everything, Tyler Wilburn – six long months of me waiting for
youwhile you’re living it up being a hot shot actor in Chicago. (Carmine inches
out from behind the drapery, tiptoes toward stage right door.)
TY. Listen, I’ve driven eleven butt-numbing hours to get here, not even stopping
to eat, and I’m not going to waste my time waiting to get to the bottom of this. Tell
me where he is and tell me now.
JENNA. (Steamed.) Yes, how horrible it would be to waste any of your precious
time waiting! So let me introduce you to my sweetheart, Carmine Deluca.
(Carmine freezes, slowly turns around. Jenna hurries to him.) Carmine’s a …
reflexologist from … far away and he thinks I’m beautiful. (Lays a massive kiss on
Carmine. Freaked, he stares wild-eyed at Ty. Jenna pulls back.)
CARMINE. (Sheepish, to Ty.) Uh … how yadoin’?!
TY. (Stunned.) What? Uh … I … I—
JENNA. (Defiant, gets into her ruse. Then, to Carmine.) Hey, Baby, how about
you give me one of your super-duper foot rubs I like so much? (Sits in stage left
armchair, kicks off her shoe, holds up her foot. Carmine, uncertain, gives in.)
CARMINE. Uh … yeah, okay. (To Ty.) I’m just gonna …. do… this. (Gets down
on one knee, takes Jenna’s foot, massages it.)
TY. So, I’m just supposed to stand here and take this?! (Surprised at Carmine’s
touch, Jenna gives in to the bliss of the massage. Wanelle enters stage left
swinging door.)
WANELLE. Son, you’re home! (Stops when she sees Jenna and Carmine.)
JENNA. (On Cloud Nine.) Oh, my gosh! This massage is … like nothing I’ve
ever, ever experienced! It’s … (Carmine massages away, Jenna goes into complete
foot-gasm, groans, loving every second of it. Ecstasy!) YES, YES, YESSSSS!
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CARMINE. (Sheepishly to Ty.) Can I help it I got the gift?
WANELLE. Uh, Jenna, Hon, shouldn’t Ty be doing that?
JENNA. (Looks up, dreamy.) Ty who? (Shocked, Ty and Wanelle exchange a
concerned look as Jenna moans ecstatically.) Blackout.
Scene 2
Lights up on lobby of The Reel ‘Em Inn, one hour later. D. Gene feverishly dusts
furniture, mutters to himself.
D. GENE. Of course it’s hot and sunny outside! Fool weatherman said it would be
cool and overcast. He’s been wrong every day for the last three years. Wish I could
get paid for knowin’ nothin’. (The phone rings, he races to answer it.) Hello? …
That’s not a problem, just gives me more time to get ready for you … (Wanelle
enters upstage left door.) Yeah, I’m excited, too! I’ve never done anything like this
before, Roxanne … (Unnoticed, Wanelle quickly crosses to him.) I’ll be waiting.
(Hangs up, turns, is startled she’s so close.) Whoa!
WANELLE. (Suspicious.) Talking to that Roxanne again? So you’re going to be
waiting for what from this Avon lady?
D. GENE. (Covers.) I meant … I’d be waitin’ ‘til hell froze over before I buy any
of that body spray she’s selling. That stuff’s meant for teenage boys who refuse to
bathe. And I think I smell sweet enough for my honey bun! (Pecks her cheek.)
WANELLE. (Softens.) You do, huh? (Looks around.) So … where is everyone?
D. GENE. (Fluffs the draperies.) Search me.
WANELLE. (Idea.) You mean … it’s just us? (Unbuttons her top buttons.) Seems
a pity to waste this alone time.
D. GENE. It sure does. In fact, I think you should vacuum while no one’s here.
WANELLE. Oh, yeah? (Pulls pink note out, glances at it.) Well, I think you
should shut up and— (Ty bursts through stage left swinging door, startles her.)
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SONNY. (Booms.) Where the hell am I? Mississippi or something?
D. GENE. (Distracted, D. Gene jumps, lets go of his pants, quickly goes into host
mode.) It’s Arkansas. Mayhew, Arkansas. (Extends his hand, Sonny takes it.)
Welcome to The Reel ‘Em Inn, finest little fishing lodge in the Ozarks.
SONNY. Speakin’ of reeling ‘em in, why don’t you, uh … (Nods toward D.
Gene’s boxer shorts.)
D. GENE. (Embarrassed.) Oh! (Pulls up his pants.) Sorry about that, Mr. ….
SONNY. Barbosa. Sonny Barbosa. Now where’s Lola? And don’t tell me she
ain’t here, I tracked her all the way from Chicago and our company van’s out front.
D. GENE. (Nervous.) Umm, it’s our policy to never give out give out information
about our guests or get involved in domestic … uh, interactions.
SONNY. That so? Well, I got a policy, too! I’ll just step out and get it … and my
policy is loaded. In the meantime, you better try to remember what you’ve done
with my wife! (Exits upstage center door.)
D. GENE. (Panicked.) Oh, no! This is all I need! (Maxie barrels in stage left
swinging door.) Maxie! We’ve got trouble. You’ve got to help.
MAXIE. Listen, bein’ coerced into wearin’ this hateful uniform and bakin’ you
two pies doesn’t exactly fill me with the desire to lend a hand, Brother. (Unnoticed
by D. Gene, Wanelle enters stage right door.)
D. GENE. But we’ve got a runaway wife and a ticked off husband! This could
sink my chances with Roxanne Thorne!
WANELLE. There’s that name again! (D. Gene whirls around, faces her.) Who is
thisRoxanne and what is going on between the two of you?
MAXIE. (Piles it on.) Yeah! You got another woman on the side?
D. GENE. (Low, to Maxie.) I can’t believe you just did that, Judas!
MAXIE. (Low.) When forced to wear a skirt, no tellin’ what I’m liable to do!
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WANELLE. (Steams.) This is what I get for thirty-two years of guttin’ your
trout?! (Storms out upstage left door.)
D. GENE. (Hurries after her.) No, wait, Honey Love! That’s not what this is!
MAXIE. (Then, for Wanelle’s benefit, calls.) But it durn sure looks like it, don’t
it?! (Maxie enjoys this. D. Gene shoots her a furious look, exits as Carmine enters
just inside stage right door. He’s cleaned up, fidgets with his shirt cuffs.)
CARMINE. Aren’t you supposed to be outside guarding the fort, Granny Oakley?
MAXIE. I secured the grounds and can report there’s a slim chance you’ll survive.
CARMINE. Yeah? I better or you’re going to answer to the State of Illinois.
MAXIE. And I’m shakin’ in my boots already. (Annoyed with his fidgeting.) For
pity’s sake, let me help you with that button. (Grabs his arm.)
CARMINE. (Yanks his arm away.) When I need your help I’ll tell you.
MAXIE. (Grabs his arm.) From here on, I’ll decide what you need. (Works on his
button as Lola hurries back in stage right door, briefly locks eyes with Carmine.)
LOLA. (To Carmine as she passes.) Excuse me, Stranger-I’ve-Never-Met-Before.
CARMINE. No problem, Woman-Completely-Unknown-To-Me. (He quickly
angles his face away from Lola as she crosses to registration desk, gets her purse.)
LOLA. My purse! I’d forget my head it if wasn’t glued on. (Gets as far as the
couch when Ty races in stage left swinging door with a bottle and a glass.)
TY. I found some vodka. But go easy on it. As soon as you’ve finished it, you
have to leave because your showing up here could get me into a lot of hot water.
LOLA. Look, I’m not here to cause a scene. I’m just what you’d call a woman on
a mission. (Jenna races in upstage left door with several paintings. Goes to Lola.)
JENNA. Here, this might be a good one for your gallery, Mrs. Barbosa. (Holds it
up.) I started out copying famous paintings trying to find my own style, see?
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LOLA. Nice. Does it come in purple? I could use something to match my sofa.
D. GENE. (Hurries in upstage left door, crosses to Ty.) Son, there’s a bad
situation about to happen.
TY. (Looks at Jenna and Lola.) Tell me about it.
MAXIE. Don’t be such a crybaby! Wanelle’sgonna forgive you … eventually.
D. GENE. I’m not talking about that! This is even worse! (Deep breath, to Lola.)
Not to interfere in your private life, but your husband showed up a few minutes
ago and he is not a happy man.
LOLA. Hold on! My husband is … here?! You’re sure?!
D. GENE. (Nervous.) Oh, yeah! And I’d just like to request that if you two are
having a little family reunion that it be a pleasant one with … oh, I don’t know, a
minimum amount of gunfire? (Everything from here to the end of the scene takes
place quickly, rapid fire as it drives with great speed to the blackout.)
CARMINE. (Horrified.) Sonny Barbosa is coming through the door … now?!
(Grabs Maxie.) That’s the guy I sent to prison!
MAXIE. (Uber-cop.) Alright, I’ll handle this! I’ll just—(Reaches for her gun, it’s
gone.) Wait a minute! I had it right here! Where—
CARMINE. (Beside himself.) I don’t believe this! You lost your gun?!
MAXIE. Cut me some slack! I did find the bullets, you know!
CARMINE. Great! So, what are you going to do, throw them at him?!
TY. (Frightened, low.) Lola, I thought Sonny was still in prison!
LOLA. Well, he was … ’til two days ago.
JENNA. Wait! Why on earth would— (It hits her.) How stupid can I get?
(Furious, to Ty.) Her husband followed her here because she followed you here!
You’re a cheat and a liar, you … you actor! (Slaps the painting on the desk, races
out upstage left door.)
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left door, takes a swig of vodka. As she wobbles past D. Gene, he turns and heads
toward her. Jenna quickly exits upstage center door as Carmine, now in a cowboy
hat and boots, sunglasses, denim shirt tucked into khaki pants – none of which fits
him at all - a moustache drawn on his upper lip, enters stage right door, sees
Sonny and sneaks past him, catching D. Gene’s attention. D. Gene, turns, and,
unnoticed by Carmine, heads toward him. Carmine slips out upstage left door as
Maxie, clearly unnerved, limps in upstage center door, spots Sonny, freezes. D.
Gene turns and heads for Maxie.)
MAXIE. (To herself, re: Sonny.) There he is! No, he’ll have to wait, there’s too
muchhappenin’! (D. Gene emits a low growl, catches Maxie’s attention.) Oh, for
the love of— (To D. Gene, low.) “Curry in a hurry.” (During the following, Sonny
takes out his phone, hurriedly photographs the painting, sends it in a message.)
D. GENE. (Snaps out of it, sees his pants.) Why does this keep happening?!
MAXIE. (Low.) That’s not our biggest problem and neither is Mr. Big Shot over
there! Come here! (Still dragging one leg, she moves D. Gene closer to stage left
swinging door. He shuffles behind her, tries to pull up his pants. She speaks in a
low, urgent tone.) Listen! Can you hear that? Something bad’s going on outside. I
don’t know what it is, but something’s in the air.
D. GENE. Yeah, a disgusting stench that’s getting worse by the minute!
MAXIE. It’s not just that. There’s a low rumble out there, somethin’ I can’t put
my finger on. I’ve never experienced anything like this before.
D. GENE. And of course it happens today! I get an investor who’s interested in
the lodge and on the one day she can finally come see it all hell breaks loose?!
(Sounds of the fight surge from offstage left.)
MAXIE. In my current capacity, mine is the long arm of the law and right now the
hairs on that arm are standin’ on end. I’ll go check it out. (Goes to upstage center
door, turns back.)And on the off chance I need me some backup, it might be best if
your pants aren’t down around your ankles. (D. Gene goes to the window as Maxie
exits. Carmine edges back in upstage left door, sees Sonny. He quickly tiptoes
toward stage left swinging door as Maxie slams the door on her exit. Sonny whirls
around at the sound, spots Carmine.)
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SONNY. Hey, you in the hat! (Carmine freezes, keeps his head down hiding his
face.) I swear I’ve seen you somewhere before. Don’t I know you?
CARMINE. (In a terrible Southern accent.) Uh … only if you’ve been a-plowin’
turnips with me on the back forty.
SONNY. Yeah, something’s familiar about your face. (Carmine tenses as Sonny
puts his hand inside his jacket for his gun.)
CARMINE. I say, I believe you’re wrong, Yankee-man! See, ah’m just a poor
cotton picker from Alabamy with a banjo on mah knee.
SONNY. Cotton picker, huh? Hold it right there. (Starts for Carmine as Jenna,
breathless and scared sober bursts in upstage center door. Everyone’s hit full on
by the horrible smell when the door opens. Everyone gags.) Geez! What is that?!
JENNA. Listen, everyone! We’re in big trouble here! … (Ty peeks in upstage left
door.) There are some really scary sounds outside and I swear I just saw a couple
of mountain lions and a bear! And there are things moving in the trees! Lots and
lots of things! (Ty rushes to her. Sonny checks a message on his phone.)
TY. (In his own voice.) Don’t worry, Jenna. I’ll—(Realizes he’s blowing his
cover, changes to woman’s voice.) I mean, don’t worry, dear girl! I’ll protect you.
JENNA. It would take a real man to do that. Like him! (Hurries to Sonny, puts his
arm around her.) You don’t mind protecting a dangerous skank, do you?
SONNY. Hold on. Listen, lady— (Just then, Wanelle and Lola enter arm-in-arm
from stage left swinging door, all smiles, hair and clothes askew, chat amiably.)
LOLA. You got moxie, Doll! I like a girl who fights for what she wants.
WANELLE. Back at you, Sister. And who knew we had so much in common?!
LOLA. To think I had to drive that van all the way down to—(Spots Sonny and
Jenna. Miffed:) Excuse me, what exactly is going on here, may I ask?
SONNY. (Enjoys her jealousy.) Ahh, feels a little different when the shoe’s on the
other foot, doesn’t it?
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LOLA. And just when I thought we were getting somewhere. (Then:) Carmine,
are you going to let Sonny be disrespectful to your very own second cousin twice
removed? (Carmine is horrified she’s exposed him.)
WANELLE. Wait. (To Lola.) You’re related to him?
SONNY. Carmine?! Carmine DeLuca?! (Reaches for his gun.) I knew there was
something familiar about that mug. You rat! Five years I been waiting for this!
D. GENE. (Jittery.) Alright, let’s all settle down. We’ve got bigger problems than
this right now.
SONNY. I don’t think so. (To Carmine.) Boots Manuli was right, you’re nothing
but a stinking stool pigeon.
CARMINE. (Races to Ty.) Hey, don’t get distracted … not when the guy who’s
beenfoolin’ around with your wife is standing right here! (Rips off Ty’s wig.)
TY. (Panicked.) Uh, no, actually I think you should concentrate on the guy who
sent you to jail! (Pulls Carmine in front of him like a shield.)
CARMINE. (Rips off his sunglasses.) Hey, I haven’t been on the run five years