Meditative Marriage Connections

by Paul Birch, PhD., LMFT

When you are trying to make a reconnection with a spouse after a big rupture in your relationship or after calling a cease fire in intense arguing, it is necessary to start rebuilding that sense of emotional connection, physical closeness, and secure feelings about the future.

One simple exercise you can do that is relatively low risk of creating conflict (perform physical actions to the level of your current physical health and with consultation from your doctor if necessary):

  1. Select a 10 minute Headspace of Buddhify meditation.
  2. Select 20 minutes of soothing music, preferably non-vocal, non-linguisitic vocals excepted.
  3. Find a quiet and comfortable place in your home. Ideal is a sofa with an ottoman, allowing you to stay seated yet relaxed. I suggest not laying down for this exercise (too easy to fall asleep and zone out).
  4. Before being seated, do 3 deep ahh sighs, some quick shakes and rattles and rolls, and some slow stretching, accompanied by deep breathing.
  5. Be seated. Depending on where you are at in your relationship, sit close and be physically intimate (e.g., holding hands, cuddling, etc.).
  6. Do the 10 minutes or so of meditation.
  7. Listen to 20 minutes of music.
  8. During the music, focus on experiencing the music; what does it feel like in your body? What emotions and sensations do you experience? Don’t analyze it while it is happening, just experience it.
  9. For all couples, including those that are super angry with each other: Allow your thoughts and feelings to come and go, noticing them. When the thoughts are negative, take a deep breath and exhale. While exhaling, visualize the paper boat of that negative thought being blown off your visual screen. When positive, take a deep breath and while inhaling, visualize that you are capturing sunlight and bringing it into your lungs and from there filling your entire body. Seek to allow that positive feeling to remain.
  10. For couples that are not super angry with each other: Next, reach out in your mind with these sensations and project them as if out onto a screen in front of you. Attempt to sense your partner doing the same thing. Try to paint a canvas of feelings that you are sharing with each other.
  11. At the conclusion of 30 minutes, take 3 deep breaths, thank each other, and then finish the exercise. Do not immediately transition into logistics planning, and do not then do any kind of deeper relationship discussion.

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