Browns Bridge High School Ministry

XP3: NEW FRIEND REQUESTMIDDLE SCHOOL SMALL GROUP DIALOG

XP3

NEW FRIEND REQUEST: Middle School Small Group Dialog

[FOR STUDENT PASTORS]

Remember to e-mail your leaders every week with the small group questions attached. This will allow your leaders to review the material before they sit down to lead discussion. Use the e-mail to encourage your leaders and celebrate their successes. Encourage them in their key role of leading students to truth.

There are devotionals available in your series downloads that correspond to each of the three sessions of this series. Use these devotionals to continue the discussion from the small group dialogs. You can either post the devotionals to your group’s web site and have small group leaders direct students to the site, or you can give the devotionals to your small group leaders and have them e-mail the devotionals directly to their students as a way of connecting with each student during the week.

To give your leaders an idea of what we will be discussing over the next three weeks, copy and paste the following description into your e-mail to help convey the main goal of this series.

E-mail for Small Group Leaders

NEW FRIEND REQUEST

Series Overview

We all want friends—even if we don’t want to admit it. We all want someone to hang out with, someone to talk to, someone who knows us. But friendship requires something from us. It’s not just what we get or what makes us feel comfortable or happy. There’s a smart way to do friendship, a way with intention, a way that will draw us closer to God’s heart—if we surround ourselves with the right people. That doesn’t mean our friends have to be clones of us—but it does mean that they at least help us move in the right direction.

Session One: Accept? (include date)

Having friends is great. Whether you want one, or you already have one, there’s just something about having other people in your life who you can count on. For many, friendships just happen. A new friend is in the right place at the right time. And while friendships may start out randomly, there is an intentionality about who we allow close to us—and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Because the people who are closest to you have influence on your life. They help shape who you are. So who are the friends closest to you . . . and how are they influencing you?

Session Two: Respond? (include date)

Someone to listen to my problems. Someone to do stuff with. Someone to talk to constantly. Someone to hang out with. When you make a list of what qualities you want in a friend, how many of the things on your list involve what that person can do for you? Most of us would have to admit that it’s a lot. But the best friendships are ones that are not just about what the other person can do for you—the best friendships also involve how you can be there for someone else. How you can listen, instead of always talking. How you can give someone space when he or she needs it, or just hang out when your friend needs that too. In other words, the best friendships are not centered solely on you—and that’s a good thing.

Session Three: Ignore? (include date)

Relationships=conflict. It’s natural. It’s part of two people relating to one another because at some point, you’re not going to agree. One person will do something the other person doesn’t like. One person will let the other person down. One person will say or do something stupid. It happens. And at some point, it happens to us—either we’re the person making the mess, or the one who is feeling the effects of the mess. So how do you navigate your way through the drama? Do you just ignore it and hope it goes away? Do you just drop that friend? Or do you find a way to work it out? The choice is yours.

XP3

NEW FRIEND REQUEST (1): Accept?

Middle School Small Group Dialog

Bottom Line:The people closest to us shape who we are.
Scripture References: 1 Kings 11:4-6; Proverbs 13:20; Proverbs 22:24-25; Proverbs 12:26; 1 Corinthians 15:33

“Friends”—This may be the most consuming issue for middle students—even though it often remains unspoken. Why don’t I have friends? How can I get more friends? How do I know if he/she is really my friend? What do I do when my friends hurt me? Your goal this week is to help students open up about this topic and share what they are dealing with when it comes to the area of friendship. More than ever, it is important for you to be flexible with your questions. Let this be a time for you to learn more about your students’ friends. Listen for things you may want to talk about later in one-on-one meetings. Look for themes in your students’ conversations. What are the most pressing issues for them—right now? Heads Up:Next week we will be focusing on the importance of being a friend by serving others.

Create meaningful conversation. Adjust questions as needed, and don’t feel like you need to answer all of them.

Who do your earliest memories of friendship include? What were those friends like? What made them your friend?
In what ways do you think your friends have shaped you? Has it been more positive or negative? Why? Do you think it is easy to see their influence immediately, or is it something you only notice in hindsight?

What does friendship mean to you today?

Why are good friendships so important?

What’s the difference between a close friend and an acquaintance?

Read Proverbs 13:20: He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm (NIV). What do you think this verse means? Do you think it is true?

Why do you think you should be intentional about who you allow to be a close friend?

What are some things you think you should be looking for in a good friend?

Are there any areas of your friendships that need to change based on what you heard today? What are they? What can you start doing this week to make those changes? What scares you about making those changes? Would those fears keep you from making those changes?
(Note to leaders: If you have students who are willing to make the changes with some of their friends, they may find themselves dealing with loneliness. Be willing to talk through the potential challenges that may come with changing the company they hang out with, and be there for them when it gets difficult.)

What is something you learned today?

Closing challenge:

Spend some time at the end talking about each of the students in your group. What are some “strengths” you’ve seen in each of your students? What are some things that they are really good at? Go around the circle and let the other students know the type of potential you see in each of them to influence someone for the better. Build their confidence in who they are and what they have to offer a friend. Just as it is important for you to be around people who influence you in a good way, it’s important for you to become someone who influences your friends in a positive way. (Note: Next week’s closing challenge will give your students an opportunity to brag on each other.)

Note:There are devotionals available that correspond to each of the three sessions of this series. Use these devotionals to continue the discussion from the small group dialogs. If your leader has posted the devotionals to your youth group’s web site, direct your students to the site this week. Or you can get the devotionals and e-mail them directly to your students as a way of connecting with each student during the week.

XP3

NEW FRIEND REQUEST (2): Respond?

Middle School Small Group Dialog

Bottom Line:The best friendships are built on giving, not just getting.
Scripture References: John 15:15; Mark 9:33-35; John 13:4-5; John 13:14-15

Last week we scratched the surface when it comes to friendship. This week, we want to focus on one specific thing—our responsibility to be a friend by looking out for the needs of others. The questions this week are very practical. They are designed to help students make a change in the way they serve their friends—starting now. You may want to follow up with them later this week to see how things go.

Create meaningful conversation. Adjust questions as needed, and don’t feel like you need to answer all of them.

How would you rate yourself as a friend on a scale from 1-10? What determined the score you gave yourself?

Does God want us to only think about friendship as a way to help us get what we want? What do we miss out on when we use people in this way?

When thinking about friendships, how does Mark 9:35 apply? If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all (NIV).

Why do you think Jesus washed the disciples’ feet? What was He trying to show them?

Have you ever asked the question, “What can I give to my friends?” Or do you usually find yourself asking, “What can I get from my friends?” How might your friendships change if you started asking the right question?

The speaker mentioned four ways to become a serving-friend. (Leaders pass out a note card or piece of paper and pen.) Let’s spend some time thinking of ways that we can be unselfish in our friendships this week.

A. Get in the habit of asking questions and listening well to answers—follow up with your friends. What is something that you know a friend of yours is going through right now? How can you follow up with them to show them that you are listening and that you care?

B. Celebrate the successes of the people closest to you—even when it may be difficult. Who do you know that has something to celebrate? How can you show them that you are happy with them?

C. Don’t talk about your friends behind their backs. When are you most tempted to talk about other people? Who do you talk about and with whom? How can you prevent yourself from talking about them this week?

D. Do something! What are some specific “acts of kindness” that you could do this week to show someone how much they mean to you?

How do you think your friendships would change if you decided it was important to serve them?

What is something you learned today?

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NEW FRIEND REQUEST (2): Respond?

Middle School Small Group Dialog (continued)

Closing challenge:

One way to be unselfish in your relationships is to brag about others. Take some time at the end of small group to have a bragging session about each other. Encourage your students to be specific in their comments about each other—stay away from over-generalizations “you’re sweet,” “you’re really cool,” etc and opt for more direct observations like “I’ll always remember when you did ____ . You encourage me to ______.”

XP3

NEW FRIEND REQUEST (3): Ignore?

Middle School Small Group Dialog

Bottom Line: Conflict has the potential to make a friendship stronger—or tear it apart. We decide which.
Scripture References: Matthew 22:37-39; Matthew 5:23-24; Romans 12:17-19; Ephesians 4:26-27; Colossians 3:13

This is our last week to talk about friendship, and we are ending on a tough topic—conflict. Every student will have to deal with conflict in his or her friendships. It’s your goal to set them up to handle the conflict (whether immediate or in the future) in a way that honors God and the other person, and doesn’t create unnecessary pain. Help your students begin to see that conflict can lead to deeper and more meaningful friendships when we change the way we deal with it. TIP: One way to help set students up for future success is to help them memorize Scripture. Use this week as an opportunity to help your students personalize one or more of the referenced verses so they can have them in their pocket when conflict arises.

Create meaningful conversation. Adjust questions as needed, and don’t feel like you need to answer all of them.

Did any of you have a good experience serving a friend this past week? What happened?

Which is messier: conflict with friends or conflict with people who aren’t close to us? Why?

What kind of damage can even a small conflict impose on a good friendship?

Listen to this statement: Conflict is painful, but leaving conflict unresolved causes much more long-term damage. Why do you think unresolved conflict causes more damage?

What are some ways you can react to conflict in your friendships that will only make things worse?

Why do you think we still pursue friendships even after knowing how much damage or harm can come from them?

If one of your friends was having some conflict with another friend, what kind of advice would you give that person to help him or her work through the situation in a positive way?

The Epistles are letters to churches. In each of these letters to three different churches there is a verse about settling conflict. Read each one of these:

“Don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil (Ephesians 4:26-27 NLT).
Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others (Colossians 3:13 NLT).
Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone (Romans 12:17-18 NLT).

Which verse is hardest for you when it comes to the way you handle conflict? (Leader: see the closing challenge.)

What is something you learned today? What is something you don’t want to forget about this series?

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XP3

NEW FRIEND REQUEST (3): Ignore?

Middle School Small Group Dialog (continued)

Closing challenge:

This week challenge your students to memorize Ephesians 4:26-27; Colossians 3:13or Romans 12:17-18.Help them remember by sending them a Facebook text message or e-mail mid-week. Have them say the verse out loud five times every day, or put the verse in a place where they can see it. You might even offer a “prize” for any student who can remember the verse next week. This is a good time for you to talk to your students about the benefits of memorizing Scripture.