LADY PIRATES
OF
THE CARIBBEAN
BY
L. HENRY DOWELL
BLACK BOX THEATRE PUBLISHING
Copyright© 2012 by L. Henry Dowell
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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Lady Pirates of the Caribbean
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ISBN 978-
Printed in the United States of America.
CAST
Captain Jacklyn Sparrow
Willamena Turner
Governer Schwartzengruber
Polly the Parrot
Captain Malibu Barbossa
Bert (Elizabeth) Swann/Egbert Schwartzengruber
Witch Docter
Walla Walla Bing Bang
Fantasy Pirates
Giant Beaver
Announcer
Robert the Dreaded Phylum Porifera
Pirate Judge Judy
Captain Cheryl Tiegs
11
Lady Pirates of the Caribbean
SCENE ONE
MUSIC: PIRATE TUNE.
LIGHTS: RISE on a ship docked at port. JACKLYN SPARROW enters singing. SHE is lovely, in a roguish
sort of way.
JACKLYN
(Singing.)
Sixteen men on a dead man’s chest, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum…
(Notices audience.)
Avast and belay mateys! I was wondering if you would be so kind as to point me in the direction of a ship.
(Turns as if THEY have pointed behind HER.)
Oh. There’s a ship right there. Much obliged. Guess if it had been a shark it would’ve bitten me in the keel haul! Now, I wonder where I might find the owner of said ship?
(WILLAMENA TURNER enters. Young and
goodhearted, a tomboy.)
I bet that’s him.
(Approaches HER.)
Excuse me lad. Is that your ship?
WILLAMENA
You have mistaken me, Ma’am, I am no lad.
(Removes HER hat.)
JACKLYN
Great oogly moogly! Why you’re a girl!
WILLAMENA
And you, Ma’am, are very perceptive…for a pirate!
SHE draws HER sword.
JACKLYN
Hey now…wait just a minute here…what was your name again?
WILLAMENA
Turner…Willamena Turner.
JACKLYN
Well, Miss Willamena Turner…what do you have against pirates, anyway?
WILLAMENA
A pirate killed my father!
JACKLYN
I see. My condolences to your mother.
WILLAMENA
A pirate killed my mother, too!
JACKLYN
A-ha. And why exactly do you think I’m a pirate? I have no black beard, peg leg, or eye patch nor do I have anything resembling a hook. Any one of which might indicate that, yes indeed I could be a pirate. However the noticeable absence of any of these “piratey” affectations should absolve me of any such designation.
WILLAMENA ponders this, scratches HER
head, looks at JACKLYN who smiles a big
toothy smile.
WILLAMENA
Well, heck. I guess that makes sense.
SHE drops HER sword. JACKLYN raises
HERS.
JACKLYN
Sucker.
WILLAMENA
Ooooo! You are such a…such a…
JACKLYN
Pirate?
WILLAMENA
Exactly!
JACKLYN
Guilty.
WILLAMENA
I’m such a dope.
JACKLYN
Yep.
WILLAMENA
Just who are you?
JACKLYN
Me? Why I’m only the greatest lady pirate to ever sail the seven seas!
WILLAMENA
Malibu Barbossa?
JACKLYN
No! I’m not Malibu Barbossa. And if you knew her like I do you wouldn’t say that! I’m…
(Blows a kazoo.)
Jacklyn Sparrow! Rightful Captain of The White Onyx!
(Silence.)
I said…
(SHE blows the kazoo again.)
Jacklyn Sparrow! Rightful Captain of The White Onyx!
(Silence.)
Well surely you’ve heard of me?
WILLAMENA looks at audience and
shrugs.
WILLAMENA
Sorry…but no.
JACKLYN
Well…in that case…en guard!
(Brandishes HER sword.)
WILLAMENA raises HER sword. THEY
circle EACH OTHER and fight.
WILLAMENA
What do you want?
JACKLYN
Your boat!
WILLAMENA
That isn’t my boat! But I can get you one very cheap!
JACKLYN
How so, young Turner?
WILLAMENA
My cousin Eddie has a dealership. He can fix you right up!
JACKLYN
Late model?
WILLAMENA
Of course.
JACKLYN
Leather seats?
WILLAMENA
Whatever you like.
JACKLYN
I fancy that boat sitting in the harbor there.
WILLAMENA
That’s the Governor’s boat.
JACKLYN
The Governor?
WILLAMENA
Yes. Governor Schwartzengruber. He loves that boat. Calls it the “Governator”.
JACKLYN
Hmmm. Big boat. What are the taxes like here?
WILLAMENA
Terrible.
JACKLYN
Figures.
WILLAMENA
I have a question. If I might?
JACKLYN
Of course.
THEY stop fighting for a minute.
WILLAMENA
If you are…
(Gestures to kazoo.)
May I?
JACKLYN
Of course.
(Hands HER the kazoo.)
WILLAMENA
If you are…
(Blows kazoo.)
Jacklyn Sparrow! Rightful Captain of The White Onyx, just where might this “White Onyx” be?
(Hands kazoo back to JACKLYN.)
JACKLYN
(Wiping kazoo off.)
It’s an honest question under the circumstances and in all honesty I’m obliged to tell you the honest truth…or some version of the truth…and that truth is, Willamena Turner, that my ship was stolen.
WILLAMENA
Stolen?
JACKLYN
True story.
WILLAMENA
By who?
JACKLYN
Pirates.
WILLAMENA
That seems…
JACKLYN
Ironic? Yes. It does, doesn’t it? But you see, they weren’t good honest salt of the earth Sunday go to meetin’ types like myself.
(Turns to someone in the audience.)
I see you snickering! Quit that!
(Composes HERSELF.)
These pirates were real scallywags! And their captain was the biggest scallywag of them all! Malibu Barbossa!
WILLAMENA
Captain Malibu Barbossa? I hear she’s supposed to be absolutely gorgeous!
JACKLYN
Well she’s not. She’s overly tall. And…she has a peg leg.
WILLAMENA
Really?
JACKLYN
And she has the scurvy!
WILLAMENA
That’s awful.
JACKLYN
And her crew consists of a bunch of no goods who stole my ship and abandoned me in the most awful of places!
WILLAMENA
Where’s that?
JACKLYN
Disneyland.
WILLAMENA
Yikes!
JACKLYN
I know. Happiest place on earth, my butt!
WILLAMENA
How did you ever escape that awful place?
JACKLYN
I hitched a ride on the back of a large rodent! A seven foot mouse to be precise.
WILLAMENA
How unusual.
JACKLYN
That’s what I thought.
WILLAMENA
Hard to believe, really.
JACKLYN
Pirate’s honor…for whatever that’s worth. Anyway, I need to commandeer a ship, so I can catch up to Malibu Barbossa, before she reaches the treasure.
WILLAMENA
Of course, I understand…WHAT??? Did you say “treasure”?
JACKLYN
Did I? I don’t know. I can’t remember.
WILLAMENA
I’m pretty sure you did. I’m pretty sure you said, “I need to commandeer a ship, so I can catch up to Malibu Barbossa, before she reaches the treasure”.
JACKLYN
You’ve got a pretty good memory there, kid. A little too good.
WILLAMENA
I’m sorry Jacklyn, there’s no way on earth the Governor will let you take his ship.
GOVERNOR
(Offstage.)
Oh no!
(GOVERNOR enters. A big guy with an accent.)
Oh Willamena, it’s awful!
(Notices JACKLYN.)
Who’s this?
WILLAMENA
Governor, this is Captain Jacklyn Sparrow. Jacklyn, this is our Governor. Governor Schwartzengruber.
JACKLYN
Charmed.
GOVERNOR
Likewise.
WILLAMENA
You were saying?
GOVERNOR
Oh yes! It’s awful! My poor baby!
WILLAMENA
What is it, Governor?
GOVERNOR
My poor little Egbert! He’s run away!
WILLAMENA
Oh no!
JACKLYN
Who’s Egbert?
GOVERNOR
He left this note.
JACKLYN
Who’s Egbert?
WILLAMENA
(Reading.)
Dear Father, I have decided to run away and become a pirate. Love, Egbert.
JACKLYN
Who’s Egbert?
WILLAMENA
Egbert…or Bert as I call him, is my boyfriend. He’s the Governor’s son.
GOVERNOR
He’s far too fragile to be a pirate. Pirates are nasty awful creatures. Cut-throats and scoundrels all. If I ever see a pirate in these parts, I’ll have them strung up!
(To JACKLYN.)
What did you say you did for a living, Miss Sparrow?
JACKLYN
I’m an insurance saleswoman.
WILLAMENA
I’ll go after him, Sir.
GOVERNOR
You will?
JACKLYN
Yes! “We” will. But we’ll need a ship.
GOVERNOR
A ship?
JACKLYN
(Points to ship.)
That ship.
GOVERNOR
That ship?
JACKLYN
That ship.
WILLAMENA
It’s the only way, Governor.
GOVERNOR
Ok, but be careful. I just had it washed and waxed.
(HE hands HER the keys. SOUND: Unlock beep.)
WILLAMENA
We’ll be careful, Sir. I promise.
JACKLYN
I’ll treat her as if she was my own ship.
(THEY shoot HER a look.)
That is…if insurance saleswomen had ships.
GOVERNOR
(Blows nose.)
Don’t let anything happen to him. He’s all I have.
WILLAMENA
We’ll bring Bert back safe and sound, Sir.
GOVERNOR
I was referring to the boat.
GOVERNOR exits.
JACKLYN
We have a ship.
WILLAMENA
To go after Bert. Not to go chasing your ship.
JACKLYN
How do you know Bert isn’t on my ship?
WILLAMENA
It seems a long shot.
JACKLYN
You don’t know how these stories usually turn out, do you?
WILLAMENA
Am I being naïve?
JACKLYN
Unbearably.
WILLAMENA
Ok. We’ll do this your way. But we can’t sail that ship all by ourselves. We’re going to need a crew.
JACKLYN
Yes, we do.
Thinks for a moment. POLLY enters.
SHE is a giant parrot in a Hawaiian shirt and
sunglasses.
POLLY
Could you guys keep it down? I have a killer headache.
WILLAMENA
Look! It’s a giant turkey!
POLLY
I am not a turkey kid, I’m a parrot.
WILLAMENA
Mighty big parrot.
POLLY
Look! I have a glandular problem, ok?
JACKLYN
Turner, this is my old friend, Polly the Parrot.
POLLY
They told me you would be down here, Jacklyn.
JACKLYN
Polly and I go way back. She used to belong to my mother.
POLLY
How is the old broad?
JACKLYN
Don’t know. Last I saw of her she took off in a small rowboat looking for MacGuffin’s treasure.
POLLY
And she left Malibu in charge of The White Onyx?
JACKLYN
Hardly. She stole it.
POLLY
And you are going to get it back.
JACKLYN
I am.
POLLY
Count me in, then. Life’s been getting a little dull here lately.
JACKLYN
Is that so? Then who are those big guys coming this way?
POLLY
(Looking in the distance. SOUND: ANGRY
VOICES YELLING.)
Oh no! You gotta take me with you, Jacklyn! I borrowed money from those guys!
JACKLYN
Why do they look so mad?
POLLY
Evidently they wanted me to pay it back! Let’s get out of here!
JACKLYN
All hands to the ship! Fast!
THEY run offstage. SOUND: VOICES GET
LOUDER. LIGHTS: BLACKOUT.
SCENE TWO
LIGHTS: RISE on The White Onyx. Flashbulbs pop.
MUSIC: Runway type music. MALIBU BARBOSSA strike
poses to the music. Walking the ship like a catwalk.
ALL
Miss Swann!!!
BERT enters, dressed as a lady pirate.
BERT
You rang, Captain?
MALIBU
Every member of this crew is expected to pull their weight, Miss Swann.
BERT
What crew? It’s just us.
MALIBU
Inconsequential. Where were you anyway?
BERT
I was unpacking. I brought a lot of stuff. You just never know what you might need for a voyage at sea…and speaking of that, where are we going anyway, Captain?
MALIBU
Where do you think? In search of treasure! But not just any treasure. We are searching for MacGuffin’s treasure! Something so wonderful that no self respecting lady pirate could live without!
BERT
Where is it?
MALIBU
Somewhere...out there.
BERT
Out there? That seems kind of vague. How will we find it “out there”?
MALIBU
That’s the trick, isn’t it? But it is out there somewhere, in the vastness of the ocean. Guarded by a fearsome and savage creature, known only as Robert the Dreaded Phylum Porifera!
BERT
Robert the Dreaded Phylum Porifera?
MALIBU
That’s right. No one who’s ever laid eyes on him has returned to tell the tale.
BERT
Then how do we even know his name?
MALIBU
That’s a good question.
BERT
How do we know where to look? Where to start looking?
MALIBU
My mother, the original captain of this ship, had a special compass. She claimed it could lead her to adventure, but mostly it just got us into trouble. We were using the compass to find our way to the treasure, when my sister stole it. Jacklyn Sparrow? Perhaps you’ve heard of her?
BERT
Can’t say as I have.
MALIBU
Figures.
BERT
So, we have to find Jacklyn Sparrow to get the compass to find the treasure guarded by the monster, somewhere...“out there”.
MALIBU
Exactly.
BERT
Then what?
MALIBU
What do you think Miss Swann? We get famous!
BERT
Aren’t there easier ways to get famous? Something that doesn’t require facing horrible creatures like…what was its name again?
MALIBU
Robert the Dreaded Phylum Porifera, and yes, I’m sure there are easier ways. But we are pirates. It’s what we do. Now let’s get ready for the night shift!
BERT
Aye, aye Captain!
LIGHTS: BLACKOUT. SOUND: GIANT
CRASH!!!
WILLAMENA
What happened?
BERT
We hit something!
POLLY
What’d we hit? An iceberg?
WILLAMENA
An iceberg? That’s just crazy!
BERT
This ship’s too big to be hurt by an iceberg!
POLLY
Famous last words!
WILLAMENA
Someone get a lantern!
BERT
I think we hit another ship!
POLLY
Another ship? Out here in the middle of the ocean? That would be nearly implausible!
WILLAMENA
Captain Sparrow is going to flip her lid!
BERT
Don’t you mean, Captain Barbossa?
WILLAMENA and BERT
Wait a minute…who are you???
SILENCE.
ALL
CAPTAIN!!!
LIGHTS: RISE to find BOTH CREWS face
to face, somewhat toppled over ONE
ANOTHER.
JACKLYN and MALIBU
Hey! I’ve been looking for you! Me? I’ve been looking for you! Stop repeating what I say! You did it again! I said stop that! You did it again! You’re asking for it! Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Pirates! Attack!
EPIC BATTLE MUSIC plays as the
CREWS do battle. Finally only JACKLYN