Based from the Films

1.

Borat: Cultural Learnings of Da Vinci Code for Make Benefit Glorious Nation MT and V Movie-film Awards

by Ke Huang

based from the films

Da Vinci Code and Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

int.boratmuseum – night

The museum CURATOR opens the door for a VISITOR. We see that the museum exhibits “art” with Borat’s face on it; including the famous Borat Lisa.

The curator and the visitor greet with a kiss by rubbing their cheeks following with the famous Borat hand gesture.

curator/visitor

It’s nice... I like.

curator

What brought you here?

visitor

I learned that you know the secret of our master.The secret that made people kill. I am seeking his holy moustache.

curator

Wait a minute... Your line wasn’t offensive to any religious, racial, ethnic, gender, LGBT---which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender---political, national, animal-rights group. You didn’t even mention a moral taboo or uttered a profanity. You’re not part of our secret sect!

The visitor tries really hard to say something offensive.

visitor

F...faeces!

int. lecture room – night

It is a big lecture room with only one AUDIENCE MEMBER. A PRESENTER comes to stage.

presenter

Dr. Roberto Langdoni got his BA from Yale. His major was history, concentrating on Nazism Studies. He earned his MA and PhD from Harvard and his thesis was: “How to offend more people than Borat.” Tonight, he will discuss the sacred...

Censured sound. This makes the sole audience member and the presenter leave.

But LANGDONI goes up to talk anyways. But as he was about to start SOPHIE comes in.

Landogni is ecstatic that he has an audience member. But he is surprised that she approaches him on stage.

sophie

Docteur. Langdoni, someone ‘as robbed ze BoratMuseum and killed ze curateur!

Langdoni is in complete shock. He does the Borat hand gesture.

langdoni

But who could it be? Borat offended so many people!

sophie

Zunno. Everyone is under suspicione.

int. bathroom – night

The visitor has placed all the Borat memorabilia he stole from the museum and put it around a urinal. It looks like a shrine.

The visitor is kneeled in front of the “shrine” praying. He then turns on the sound of Borat (television or recorded sound). He takes out a fake moustache from a black box and waits. But nothing happens, he is in complete pain.

Suddenly, several activists (representing different groups) come into the bathroom and attack the visitor.

int. lecture room – night

Sophie on the phone and Roberto has his head next to it to listen.

sophie

Ms. Pamelá Anderson... My name is Sophie Neveu, a police agent... I’m calling because we’d like to know if you ’ave an alibi for tonight... As you may know ze BoratMuseum was robbed...I’m glad that you and your children are ‘appy, but...

langdoni

It must be her!

sophie

She ‘anged ze phone on my face!

Langdoni

Ms. Neveu.

sophie

Oui?

Langdoni

Why would you are so interested on this case.

sophie

Ze truth is that I’m not French at all.

Sophie loses her French accent and begins to talk with a Kazakhstani one.

sophie

My grandfather was Borat.

langdoni

Oh, so it is true that there are still descendents of the master! I thought his enemies had murdered all his children!

sophie

I was saved thanks to Jack Saunière, but my parents died in an accident. High five!

Sophie and Langdoni clap a high five.

sophiE

They died in the farm, when they were on plough. But I like Saunière,he good. He’s nice!

langdoni

May I ask a question?

sophie

Do you have to go totoilet? The way Borat used to interrupt the fancy mealsin order to do something gross?

langdoni

Yes, but it’s another question. Did your parents ever leave you anything?

Sophie

Langdoni, you are not talking about -

Langdoni

Yes... The holy moustache...

Sophie

The truth is that I have...

She hesitates and takes out a black box.

sophie

But I cannot open that.

Langdoni

I know! We can ask Lee Tabling, my trusted friend and expert in moustaches.

Sophie

Does that person happen to be a woman, disabled, Jewish, homosexual and intelligent? Because my grandpa offended all of these groups and a lot, lot, lot, lot, lot, lot, lot more.

langdoni

Yes, but we have to take the risk. Don’t you want to open this box? I’ve an idea, get back with your French accent and she won’t find out.

Sophie and Langdoni leave the lecture room.

int. tabling’s living room – night

Sophie and Langdoni come in. TABLING is waiting for them.She is sitting on a wheelchair.

tabling

Welcome Roberto.

Langdoni

Hi Lee, this is Sophie, a friend of mine.

tabling

Would you like something to drink? I can assure you that it doesn’t have any poison to kill you so I can stand up, stop pretending that I can’t walk, take the black box from Borat’s granddaughter,

Tabling makes a hateful face as she says the word “Borat,” the same that Borat makes when he mentions the Jewish.

tabling

and destroy the holy moustache.

sophie

I’m glad zat you mentioned ze box. Do you know ‘ow to open it? I tried it, but I can’t do it.

Tabling

Give it to me so I can show you.

Sophie takes out the box and looks at it hesitantly.

Langdoni

Do what she says!

Sophie

I will! But zere is a dirty spot ‘ere! Could you get somezing to clean zis?

Tabling stands up from her wheelchair and goes to get a rag.

Tabling

Here you go.

Sophie

Zanks.

Tabling

You’re welcome. But if you want I’ll do it.

Sophie

No.

Tabling

Okay.

Sophie cleans the spot slowly.

Sophie

Please.

Sophie hands the box.

Tabling

Thanks.

Sophie

You’re welcome.

Tabling easily opens the box and it is empty. Both Tabling and Sophie are shocked! Not Langdoni though, he is now dressed with the master’s unfashionable costume and has the holy moustache on.

Sophie

Grandfazer!

Tabling

(with her hateful face)

Borat!

Langdoni

Jagshemash!!! My name is Borat.

Langdoni pauses for a while.

Langdoni

NOT!

THE END