APPLICATION TO DATE A FEMALE 100 HOUR BOARD MEMBER
This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. §see below
1. NAME ______Tao______DATE OF BIRTH ___24-Jul-1985___
2. HEIGHT _all the way to the ground_ WEIGHT _3500857631.9308mp_ I.Q _3.13_ G.P.A.__
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # __506-21-22**____ DRIVERS LICENSE # ___XI208****______
4. BOY SCOUT RANK______Haliaeetus______(A full line for this?)______
5. HOME ADDRESS ____Sand Dune Rd____ CITY/STATE ______ZIP _****1__(you’ve got enough to figure the rest out)_
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? ___Yes____ If no, EXPLAIN: ______(As far as I am aware all current members of Homo Sapiens, indeed all Chordates are allogamous,)__
7. Number of years your parents have been married ______29Years, 3 Months 25 Days_____
8. Do you own a van? __No_ A truck with oversized tires? __No__ A waterbed? ___No__
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo?______No______(If “yes” to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you? _____“Late, as in the Late dentarthurdent”______
10. In 50 words or less, what does “DON'T TOUCH MY FRIEND” mean to you?
______“Um,… Duh?”______
11. In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you?
______“AN INSTANCE” or “BEST IN ACNE”_How about a non-anagram: “natch”_____
12. Church you attend __Wherever the Prophet Directs (See also How often you attend ___Standard LDS active:_At least 3 times a week, usually 10-15 minutes late______
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? _Whenever you can get said patriarch, matriarch, and prominent Catholic/Jewish/Evangelical leader together (And when you’re done, I’d sure like to talk to that guy. That has to be one amazing story!)_
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone, ever. I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is __My heart. Face it, if that gets shot, it will be the last place you ever get wounded. If living through said wounding is mandatory I would say any head injury that would cause difficulties for myself and others. (John Nash I am not.)
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______Stapes, definitely.______
c) A woman's place is in the ____Kingdom she has lived for, along with all the rest of us.___
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is __Something as ambiguous and potentially hazardous as what I don’t want to see on this application. (I know, I know, cop out… um, ring size?)______
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her _Location usually, (how did you get that motorcycle up there on that high dive, anyway?) _If you want something about physical attraction, eyes are ofttimes harbingers of way too many sleepless nights and distracted tests. As pertaining to lasting attraction, intellect is as vital as a healthy(?) sense of humor._
(NOTE: If your answer mentions anything below her chin...discontinue. It is advised that you leave the premises, keep your head low and run in a serpentine fashion.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ______A great grandfather, in all meanings of the phrase.______
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN, TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
Signature ______(That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back)
§
complete financial statement- right now in my wallet I completely have:
One(1) One Dollar Bill,
One(1) Two Dollar Bill,
One(1) HHP Services Voucher,
One(1) Drivers License,
One(1) BYU ID,
Two(2) Bank Cards,
Four(4) Library Cards,
One(1) Temple Recommend,
One(1) NREMT Card,
One(1) Red Cross Donor Card,
Four(4) Business Cards,
Three(3) ‘Honey Pots’ complimenting my witch voice and wishing luck at my murder trial. (Long story.)
job history-
“Some writers have suggested that Job was a contemporary of Amram and Jochebed, parents of Moses. Eusebius, one of the most learned fathers of the early church, about a.d. 300, believed that Job lived about 1800 b.c. If these dates for Job and Elihu are correct (and we can’t be certain they are), they would suggest that the book of Job originated one or more centuries prior to the time of Moses, or in other words some time during the four generations between the days of Abraham and the days of Moses.”
“If the Elihu referred to in Doctrine and Covenants 84:9 [D&C 84:9] is the same Elihu in Job 32, the date for the book of Job would be approximately the second century prior to Moses (about 1600 b.c.). If this assumption and date are accurate, it is possible that the book was a record Moses brought from Midian, the homeland of his father-in-law Jethro.”
See Job:The Man and His Message By L. La Mar Adams. Ensign March 1982
Lineage-
Family Tree
Individuals: 3995 Families: 1693 Notes: 562
and
current medical report from your doctor- “You know, you’re alright” –Dr. E. (I don’t know if his is my doctor, but for a few hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays he is, I guess.)