PARENtEEN Newsletter
Edition #3: May 29, 2002
Thanks for all the great feedback in the past two weeks, and please, keep it coming! Don't forget to forward the newsletter on to others who might be interested. Right now this is a "word-of-mouth" operation!
And now, as promised, the focus of this newsletter is music…enjoy!
CONNECTING WITH YOUR TEEN THROUGH MUSIC
One of the best ways I've found to connect with kids is to listen to the same music they listen to. If this is not something you've been doing on a regular basis, now is the time! However, I recommend that you brace yourself: While much of the music my generation listened to was considered rebellious, much of today's music goes far beyond that. In addition to the fact that the lyrics of many songs are sexually explicit and/or violent, music has become an island of escape for thousands of kids who feel alone in this world. Consider the following statistics:
According to USA Today, 500 teenagers were asked, "Who or what would you take on a deserted island? The top pick (you'll love this!) was parents (29%), followed closely by music (24%), and computers (21%). In another survey, 65% of teens said they would rather listen to any CD than listen to the president (USA Today, June 19. 2000).
In a survey conducted by Gallup in their Youthviews newsletter of October 1997, 41 percent of teens rated their parents "fair" or "poor" on understanding the music they like. This was number ONE on the list of things that parents don't understand, ahead of peer pressures, money, problems at school, problems growing up, clothes, friends and religion!
You may be tempted to write off the music issue as one of those things parents and teens have always debated and always will. I encourage you not to do that, but rather get involved in your teen's life, interests, and especially - music. Why? Two major reasons: 1) Music engages us on an emotional level, which is why it is so powerful. Music often speaks truth into our lives and connects us in new and different ways. This is an amazing way to connect with your child at a time in their life when it seems they are doing everything they can to disconnect. 2) It is important to know and understand the lyrics and messages your teen is being bombarded with. In addition to protecting our children from becoming numb to violence and sexual perversion, talking about the lyrics with your teen can become a very teachable moment.
So what should you do? Here are 5 steps to help you:
Step 1:
First of all, you need to have a relationship with your teenager. If you don't, you must either try to rekindle that, or bring in a youth worker or counselor who can help with your relationship. Your teen needs a positive role model in their life!
Step 2:
Spend time with your teens! Spend time with your teens! Spend time with your teens! Spend time with your teens! Did I make my point? According to USA Today (8/19/95), "The average American family spends 7.5 hours each day watching television, making TV the number one consumer of people's leisure time." Actually the numbers range from 4 to 7.5 hours a day, but even 4 hours is way too much time to be zoned out and not interacting and communicating with your kids. Use this time to do things as a family, and spend time with your kids.
Step 3:
Okay, now that I'm off my soapbox, the next thing to do is to ask your teen if you can borrow some of his/her CDs. Be ready to catch them when they faint! In addition to listening, be sure to read both lyrics and the liner notes (you can learn a lot about a music artist just by doing this). You will need to pray for patience and wisdom as you do this. Don't storm into your teen's room and start tearing down posters and smashing CD's. This only breeds rebellion, and severely hurts your communications. Some experts recommend that you sit down with your teen and examine the lyrics, lifestyles, graphics and philosophies of their favorite groups, holding them up to biblical and family values. Another approach that has worked very well for me is to simply turn on the radio to your teen's favorite station and start listening. If your kids are in the car, ask them what the song means, and take it from there.
Step 4:
Help your teen find alternatives. Simply telling them to "turn off that noise" is not helpful. You will need to find alternatives that have the same style of music as the groups your teen likes. At the end of this article you will find a web link that will be very helpful. You may not like the music personally but you don't have to listen to it! Also effective are Christian concerts. Try to find out when Christian acts are coming through your area, and take your kids.
Step 5:
Another thing you have to consider is your example as a parent. Evaluate your own music and other media choices. Don't be a hypocrite!
All the advice I have given you would be meaningless without prayer. Be on your knees and pray for guidance!
***MUSIC RESOURCE***
Below is a link to a fabulous website that will help you in finding alternatives for your teen. Frank Rasenberger, editor of NSO's ABC Rock Comparisons, has this to say about the website:
"My idea behind the chart is not to put one against the other in a kind of 'Christian versus secular/mainstream' artist kind of thing. I'm not for the approach that says: 'Purchase only Christian label artists and bands.' I think that's too black and white and too overprotective. Although I agree with you that there is a fair bit of 'nasty stuff' in the secular/mainstream music world, there is also quality music that addresses life issues in a positive, constructive way and in a way that is compatible with a Christian worldview. There are also artists and bands with a Christian conviction (such as The Call, Sam Phillips, T-Bone Burnett, etc) who have chosen to record with a mainstream/secular label to make their music more available and accessible to the general market. I think teens need to be taught to discern what they are listening to. I think youth are more likely to be receptive to an approach that says 'Have you heard of the band Luxury? They sound a lot like The Smiths. Have a listen.' rather than an approach that says 'You shouldn't be listening to Morrisey and The Smiths. They're very negative. Have you heard of the band Luxury? They're just as good and they're a lot more positive.' Nine times out of ten it's not that black and white (unless we're talking about a blatantly satanic band like Deicide). A band like Pearl Jam can have a mixture of great, positive songs and ones that are negative and promote an anti-Christian point of view. I think Christian parents (and youth workers for that matter) need to be careful not to completely write off a mainstream band but to gently and lovingly bring to the awareness of our youth other bands of a similar vocal or musical
style to broaden their musical horizons."
***CULTURE UPDATE***
Britney Spears tells the German magazine Cinema that she has a pretty clear concept of the big cheese upstairs and his environs. In the great beyond, "everyone is at peace and happy, and they all hop around from cloud to cloud. In heaven you can see your grandparents and everyone you loved once again. And an old man with a long white beard wanders around, that's God."
***QUOTES FROM POP ICONS***
"There's a part of me that feels 53 years old and would just love to be in a committed relationship, and then there's a whole other part of me that is very 27. I'm still on an adventure, I'm still investigating, I'm still defining who I am in every moment. I believe you can be in a relationship and be really free. I have a sense in the back of my mind of wanting to have kids a little later and stuff, but I'm not having kids anytime soon. These are the things that I write about in my journal. I have a little more writing to do, obviously."
-Singer Alanis Morissette answering whether she's into casual sex these days.
***YOUR TURN***
Last newsletter's question:
"My daughter is a Christian, but she does not want to attend church anymore. She says she resents being forced to go, and she feels she does not benefit from attending. She says the services are boring and don't relate to her at all."
Here are the responses:
"It's hard to know WHY this girl is bored or apparently feels like she needs to be "entertained". Maybe a visit with the pastor to build some rapport and understanding would help. She may need to understand that it has more to do with her attitude, her responsibility towards God and her church. At the same time, does the pastor and church create a welcoming and loving atmosphere for kids? Does the pastor need to "target" his messages better? Sounds like some communication and understanding between the girl, her parents and the pastor could help. If that occurs, she may not need to be forced to go church."
"I guess I have some suggestions in response to the question about the teenager not wanting to go to church. I even feel that way sometimes. One of the best ways to "get into" the church service is to take notes. Search for things in the sermon that you have questions about or don't understand and write them down. Then take your questions to the minister/preacher and see if he can explain them to you. I would also hope that the church leadership would be open to questions and suggestions that the teenagers would be asking. It shows that they are interested and need some answers. If they don't get the answers from church, who knows where they might go looking. One more thing, encourage your teens to sit closer to the front of the room instead of in the back where they may tend to sit. They'll be able to concentrate more on the sermon than on all of the people around them. Hope this helps."
"Don't give her a choice. A family is not a democracy. It is important to provide children with a foundation for life, whether they like it or not. It will equip them to make informed decisions when they are mature enough to do so. Teenagers are expected to act like teenagers. It's time parents accepted parental responsibility and started acting like adults!
Perhaps giving the daughter a choice of giving up something near and dear to her heart in exchange for missing church will work. If not, no choice is the right choice."
Next question!
"Is there a better way to encourage my son to hang out with a better set of friends than simply forbidding him from seeing the friends he has now?"
Can you help this parent? Email your responses to Lisa at .
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