An Audience-Participation Murder Mystery-Comedy

By Tony Schwartz & Marylou Ambrose

PERFORMANCE LICENSE

This play is the property of Tonylou Productions, 612 Blooming Grove Rd., Hawley, PA. All professional and amateur theater companies must pay a royalty to Tonylou Productions before performing this play. This includes public readings, performances given for charity, and performances where no admission is charged. The following notice must appear on all programs and advertising: “Produced by special arrangement with Tonylou Productions, Blooming Grove, PA.” In addition, the authors’ names must appear on all programs and advertising.

All other rights, including television and radio broadcasting and motion picture rights, are controlled by Tonylou Productions. Photocopying or reproducing all or part of this script in any way is forbidden with the exception of copying scripts for your cast and backstage crew.

Royalties for The Case of The Malted Falcon are $75.00 for up to 10performance rights, payable by check, money order, or credit card to Tonylou Productions.

Please address all inquiries to: Tonylou Productions, c/o Tony Schwartz, 612 Blooming Grove Rd., Hawley, PA18428. Phone: 570-226-8184 or 570-226-6207. Email: .

Sam Club, Private Eye,

The Case of the Malted Falcon

By Tony Schwartz & Marylou Ambrose

Cast of Characters:

Sam Club: Bumbling private eye; talks like Humphrey Bogart

Velma Vavoomski: Sam’s ditzy secretary; has multiple addictions

Rachael Raven: Famous TV chef and cookbook author

Robin Hawkins: Nephew of Gertrude Hawkins, who created the Malted Falcon sculpture

Harvey Featherby: Falconer with stuffed turkey buzzard on arm

Casey Stourbridge: Penniless heir to railroad tycoon family; dresses as engineer and entertains train passengers

Abigail Nightingale: Representative from Feathered Friends Freedom Foundation (FFFF), bird rescue organization

Miss Marbles: Famous mystery novelist and amateur sleuth (acts as MC at beginning of show)

Setting

TIME: The present

PLACE: The entire play takes place inthe Gallery of Amazingly Great Art (also known as GAGA), in New York City. Furniture is minimal: a high table and two stools on one side of the stage and a folding chair upstage on the other side for Miss Marbles. Use the high table and stools at your discretion. It gives the actors somewhere to go besides standing center stage while delivering their lines.(SeeProduction Notes for details on properties and set décor.)

NOTE: This play was written to be performed in a variety of venues, but not all of them will have a real backstage area. Consequently, the script usually only designates when the actors enter and exit, not whether they enter and exit stage right, left, or center. That’s up to the director and depends on the venue. In our shows, we hang a curtain upstage center as a backdrop, so the actors often enter and exit upstage, from either side of the curtain. However, they also enter and exit stage right and stage left.

Sam Club, PriVate Eye,

The Case of the Malted Falcon

The public (your audience) has gathered at the Gallery of Amazingly Great Art (GAGA), in New York City, for the unveiling of the world famous sculpture, “The Malted Falcon.” This priceless bird statue was created completely out of chocolate by the renowned sculptor, the late Gertrude Hawkins.

Miss Marbles: Hello, I’m Jessica Marbles, writer of mystery stories and amateur sleuth. I’d like towelcome you to the (Insert your company’s name)production of Sam Club, Private Eye, inThe Case of The Malted Falcon! Tonight, you’re part of the action. So keep your eyes and ears open for clues, because before the night’s over, someone will be ruthlessly murdered. And it’s up to you to guess “whodunit” and why.

How many of you have been to a murder mystery before? Well, this show may be a little different. We won’t ask you to take a part, or get up on stage, or do anything but watch if you don’t want to. So you shy people can come out from under your tables now and just relax and enjoy the show. Your main job is to pay attention and play detective—and then to vote at the end. The first (Insert how many prizes you have) people to correctly guess the murderer and the motive will win a prize. We’ll explain the voting process to you in more detail after the show.

Here are a few tips to help you enjoy the show: Please watch and listen carefully. There are lots of important clues in the characters’ dialogues, so you might want to take a few notes. I, Miss Marbles, amateur sleuth, will be taking notes, too, and I’ll recap from time to time. Who knows? Perhaps we’ll solve this case together!

And now—on with the show!

Miss Marbles goes to chair UPSTAGE and watches, appearing to take notes throughout the show.

Opening music (your choice) cues the cast members to take their places. While music is playing, RACHAEL RAVEN and ABIGAIL NIGHTENGALE take places at one side of the stage area. They speak after music fades.

Rachael: Ooooh … this is so exciting! It seems like I’ve been waiting for this moment forever.

Abigail: So have I, my dear, so have I . . . (Extends hand to RACHAEL ) By the way, I’m Abigail Nightingale, President of the Feathered Friends Freedom Foundation. (They shake hands)You don’t have to introduce yourself, my dear. Raven is a household name! Your cooking show is fabulous!

Rachael:(laughs smugly)You’re right. I’m more famous than Julia Child -- and a lot cuter! Now, who are you again? (Sees Robin approaching) Never mind. Here comes Robin Hawkins to make an announcement! (They quickly walk UPSTAGE and just observe).

ROBIN HAWKINS enters, walks to CENTER STAGE, and address the audience.

Robin: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Gallery of Amazingly Great Art, or GAGA, as it’s known. Tonight, on public display for the very first time, will be the priceless sculpture, The Malted Falcon, created the late Gertrude Hawkins. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Robin Hawkins, Gertrude’s long-lost nephew. Today, I’m thrilled to be unveiling my aunt’s greatest work, the chocolate masterpiece, The Malted Falcon!

VELMA VAVOOMSKI runs out from BACKSTAGE and goes up to ROBIN.

Velma:(excited, interrupts him) Uh . . . excuse me, Mr. Owl.

Robin: That’s HAWKins. Mr. HAWKins.

Velma: Yeah, whatever. Look, Mr. Hawkeye, there’s something I think you should know. The Malted . . .

Robin:(annoyed, loud stage whisper) Not now, Miss Vavoomski. Can’t you see I’m in the middle of announcing the arrival of the statue?

Velma: But that’s what I’m trying to tell you! The Malted Fal . . .

Robin:Go away! (embarrassed, realizes the audience is listening. Then talks to audience.)Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologize for this outburst. We’re both so excited about the arrival of The Malted Falcon, we lost our composure for a moment.

Velma: That ain’t all we lost!

Robin: (glaring at her)Miss Vavoomski, why don’t you do your job and see if your employer, Sam Club, Private Eye, has arrived yet.

Velma: Oh he’s here alright. He’s staggering down the hallway right now.

Robin: Staggering? Has he been drinking?

Velma: Oh, no, my boss never drinks on the job. I do the drinking for both of us. (reaches into purse, pulls out a flask, takes a swig).

SAM CLUB staggers in, a bit dazed, holding an ice pack on his head. Trouble is, he’s wearing his hat, so the ice pack isn’t doing any good.

Robin: My God, are you drunk?

Sam: I wish . . .

Velma: He was airbrushed!

Sam: That’s ambushed, airhead.

Velma: No need to be rude, Mr. Diamond.

Sam: That’s Club! Sam Club!

Velma: Right!

Robin: But where’s The Malted Falcon?

Velma: It flew the coop!

Sam: You better let me handle this, sweetheart. Why don’t you go back to the office and . . . file something.

Velma: Oh, I can do that right here, Mr. Heart. (pulls a nail file from purse and begins filing her nails)

Sam:That’s Mr. Club! Oh, my head . . .

Robin: I demand to know what’s going on!

Velma: Mr. Diamond was airbrushed!

SAM takes VELMA’S hand, lifts it for all to see, takes her pointer finger and extends it, closing her other fingers into a fist, then lifts her finger up to her lips in the “Shhhhhh” position.

Sam: Understand?

VELMA nods and backs away a few steps. She rummages in purse, finds a chocolate candy, pops it in mouth, and licks fingers.

Sam: She means well.

Robin: Where is The Malted Falcon?

Sam:(to Robin) I guess I owe you (to audience) and all of you here tonight, an explanation.

Robin: It better be a good one . . .

Sam: Well, it’s like this. For those of you who don’t know me, the name is Sam Club, Private Eye. I was hired by Mr. Hawkins here to guard the priceless piece of confectionary artwork known throughout the world as The . . .

ABIGAIL runs from UPSTAGE and interrupts. RACHAEL follows her.

Abigail: . . . Malted Falcon! The legendary chocolate statue carved by none other than Gertrude Hawkins herself, and valued, I believe, at well over one million dollars.

Sam: Uh, that’s right, ma’am. The statue was being transported by rail from the quiet little town of Honesdale, PA, (or insert your own town)where Gertrude Hawkins lived,to the Big Apple, where it was to be placed on permanent display right here, at the Gallery of Amazingly Great Artwork, or GAGA, for short.

Rachael & Robin:(together, ad lib) We know all that. Now, where’s the statue?

Sam: I’m getting to that. My job was to guard The Malted Falcon and see that it got from Honesdale (or insert your town) to New York City safely, aboard the Stourbridge Line, a state-of-the-art, 200-mile-an-hour bullet train. I was riding in the baggage car with the statue, disguised as a sack of mail . . . .

Abigail: (interrupts him)A sack of mail? That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

Sam: Not really, ma’am. It was actually quite a convincing disguise. But just as I was attaching a “No Postage Necessary if Mailed In the United States” label to my forehead, someone slugged me from behind.

Abigail: Oh dear!

Sam:You can also throw in an “ouch” or two, ma’am.Anyway, when I came to, The Malted Falcon was gone. So was that label on my forehead. It had been replaced with one that said, “Return to Sender.”

Robin: Oh my God!

Rachael: You can say that again!

Velma: Oh my God!

They all look at VELMA. She raises her finger her to her lips again as if promising to be quiet. Then she rummages in purse again and produces a pill bottle, pops a few, and puts bottle back into purse.

Sam: So there I was with that label on my head, not to mention a goose egg, after someone flew the coop with The Malted Falcon!

Robin: My million dollar statue, gone!

Sam: I’m afraid so, sir.

Robin: I’m holding you personally responsible, Mr. Club. You were hired to protect that statue and get it here safely. You failed miserably.

Sam: Now hold on, Mr. Hawkins. The train is parked outside and no one was allowed to leave it unless we personally escorted them. Once we escorted everyone into this building, we locked the doors. So, unless the thief jumped off at 200 miles an hour, and I seriously doubt that, then he or she is right in this room.

Rachael: Yes, but some of these people weren’t on the train.

Sam: That’s true. But someone here could be an accomplice. No one leaves.

Rachael: This is ridiculous. I have a TV show to tape in an hour.

Sam:(to RACHAEL )You were also on that train, weren’t you?

Abigail: Yes, she was. I saw her.

Velma: Which means you were on the train, too, Miss Nightingale.

Sam: Good work, Velma.

Velma: Thanks, Mr. Spade. (reaches into purse and takes out a cigarette)

Sam: Club. It’s Club!

Velma: Right! Got a light?

Robin: You better solve this case and find my statue, Mr. Club. Now get busy! I have very little patience.

ROBIN exits.

Rachael: Robin, wait! We need to talk about this now! (she runs after ROBIN)

Abigail:(suspicious) I think I’ll follow those two and . . . (looks at audience as if she caught herself almost saying something she shouldn’t)and uh . . . see if I can get Miss Raven’s autograph.

ABIGAIL exits.

HARVEY FEATHERBY comes storming in, followed by CASEY STOURBRIDGE.

Harvey: I’ve never been so humiliated in all my life!

Casey:(to Sam) I’m sorry, Mr. Club, he got away from me.

Sam: That’s alright. All the doors are being watched by museum security. He’s not going anywhere. Come on Velma, we’ve got to work to do. I have a feeling whoever our thief is, he found a way to smuggle The Malted Falcon off the train and into the museum. We need to find some clues.

Velma: But boss, you always say I don’t have a clue.

Sam: Come on . . .

SAM and VELMA exit.

Harvey:(to Casey) Where’s a phone? I have to call my lawyer. I’m going to sue for the way I’ve been treated. Detaining me on that train while the others were allowed to leave. Why? Because I have this bird on my arm? I’ll bet they detained every person on that train with a bird on their arm. That’s profiling. I’ve been profiled.

Casey: You were the only one with a bird on his arm. I wouldn’t call that profiling.

Harvey: What would you call it then?

Casey:(to himself) Nuts?

Harvey: What?

Casey: Never mind. So what’s with the bird anyway?

Harvey: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Harvey Featherby, falconer extraordinaire. And this is my pet falcon, Spot.

Casey:(incredulous)You’re a falconer?

Harvey: Extraordinaire.

Casey: But you don’t even have a real bird.

Harvey: You’re right. Actually, he’s a stuffed turkey buzzard. I can’t afford a real bird yet, not even a canary. But once I get folks to join my falconry club and start paying dues to me, I’ll be able to get a real falcon. (to bird) No offense, Spot.

Casey: Do you realize you’re talking to a stuffed bird?

Harvey:(as if he didn’t hear Casey) Someone flipped me the bird once, but that’s not getting a real bird, that’s just getting, well, nasty! Anyway, falconry is my whole life. Well, not my whole life. I’m also into butterfly collecting and cow chip bingo. But it will be my whole life someday, when I get a real falcon. (suddenly lucid) So, you’re the engineer from the train, huh?

Casey:(momentarily disconcerted) Uh, yeah, that’s right, Casey Stourbridge, engineer aboard the Stourbridge Line, providing passenger rail service between Honesdale, PA (or insert your town’s name), and New York City. Of course, on this trip we were also transporting the world famous chocolate sculpture, The Malted Falcon, valued at over one million dollars. Too bad about the robbery. I really appreciate art. Once I visited the world’s largest ball of twine. It was very . . . round.

Harvey: You have the same last name as the train. Do you own it?

Casey: Actually, this railroad, the Stourbridge Line, was founded by my great-grandfather, Lionel Stourbridge. (pronounced Lionelle, like the model railroad trains.) He turned it into a very successful railroad. He passed it on to my grandfather, and then my father, who both made it even more successful. Unfortunately, my father met an untimely death. He drove his car around some downed, flashing, railroad crossing gates because he just couldn’t wait, and was run over by his own train.

Harvey: Oh, so you inherited the railroad?

Casey: Yes, it was all left to me. And it was all downhill from there.

Harvey: Surely the train runs uphill, too.

Casey: No, no, no. The business went downhill. I was young and foolish. I had no head for business. It didn’t take me long to run the railroad into the ground. The bank foreclosed on the railroad and now they run it. I went from owner to just an engineer.

Harvey: Well, at least you’re still able to run the train.

Casey:(leans in, stage whisper, letting HARVEY in on a secret.) To tell you the truth, I’m not even an engineer. The real engineer is running the train. They pay me to dress like an engineer and schmooze with the passengers.

Harvey: You’re a phony engineer? And they say I’m nuts for talking to a stuffed bird.

Casey: (daydreaming)If only I could have a railroad of my own again. I dream about it all the time. But it would take at least a million dollars. Boy, what I wouldn’t do for a million dollars.

Harvey: Yes, Mr. Stourbridge. What would you do for a million dollars?

Casey: Why I . . . I have to check on some things.

CASEY exits.

Suddenly, a radio antenna rises on Spot’s back. HARVEY sees it, gets nervous, and pushes it down again.