1
Megan McGill
Skeleton
Characters
Alex, 17, sarcastic teenage girl
Moonshine, 48, spiritual hippy mother to Alex who loves all things and people
Cash, 41, brother to Moonshine, red-neck aficionado with a love for all things Bud Light, NASCAR, and guns, boyfriend to Bitch Darlene
Bitch Darlene, 24, sleazy girlfriend to Cash who only cares about making him happy and how she looks
Sunny, 90, Alex’s grandmother and Moonshine/Cash’s mother, Russian, perpetually pissed off and facial expressions reflect that
Sherman, 27, cousin to Alex, neurotic, untrusting of all things because of the government, faithful employee of the Geek Squad
Herman, 27, Sherman’s twin brother, white trash, thinks he is going to becoming a great rapper one day
Stella, 18, next-door neighbor, grew up with Alex, Alex’s girlfriend, sweet as sugar but very protective of Alex
Setting: The play takes place in a normal living room of a normal home somewhere in America. The only props that are in use are that of a table and the chairs seated around it. There are two doors. One is to exit the room and go into other areas of the house; the other is the door to the outside. Note that this play is to be acted out by three people. Alex is to be portrayed by one person, Stella by another, and the entire family by another. All three actors are to be dressed in one color. Alex and Stella can be dressed in whatever clothes, but the person playing the family should wear gender-neutral clothing like pants and a shirt to make the switch from male to female characters more believable.The character playing the family will be referred to as “Narrator” throughout the script. All props mentioned are to be imaginary like that of many props in “Our Town.”
Act Only Scene Only
Narrator starts scene as Moonshine.
MOONSHINE
(setting the table with imagined props)
Alex, my starlight, will you please get the door?
ALEX
Of course, Mom.
(goes and opens door)
(to audience:) What I wanted to say was (pauses) a very bad word that starts with the letter F.
(Narrator exits stage through inside door and returns through outside door as CASH)
CASH
(to ALEX:) Git me a beer, ya broad.
ALEX
(to audience:) What I instead said was: (unenthusiastically) Hi, Uncle Cash. What kind do you want?
(CASH sits)
CASH
None of that pansy champagne of beer shit, High Life. Today ain’t nothin’ special. (spits)
(Narrator gets up from CASH’s chair, becoming MOONSHINE and pretends to still be setting the table)
MOONSHINE
(shakes her head)
Yes, Heaven forbid our mother’s ninetieth birthday be special.
(Narrator sits again becoming CASH)
CASH
Alex, git me a can of that Bud Light.
(strokes beer belly)
I’ve been working out.
ALEX
Doing what?
CASH
(proudly) I’ve been doing crunches.
(CASH gets up from chair and moves behind it becoming now BITCH DARLENE)
BITCH DARLENE
What kind? Cinnamon Toast?
(BITCH DARLENE transforms into CASH)
CASH
Bitch Darlene, you shut your whore---
(CASH freezes during ALEX’s aside)
ALEX
(to audience: ) Well, isn’t he more frightening than an irregular mole? Nicholas Sparks obviously never spent enough time in a trailer park to be able to construct a realistic archetype of the country man. “The Longest Ride” my ass. More like the longest ride of my 17 years of existence as this dipshit’s niece.
(Narrator morphs back into BITCH DARLENE behind Cash’s chair once more)
BITCH DARLENE
(seductively) Sorry, daddy.
(BITCH DARLENE moves about table becoming MOONSHINE still setting table)
ALEX
(to audience:) He’s not her father.
(gulps in disgust)
MOONSHINE
Alex, my starlight, will you tell Grandma Sunny to come down for her birthday dinner?
(MOONSHINE walks through inside door out of view)
ALEX
Of course, Mom.
(ALEX leans into inside door and hollers for SUNNY)
(Narrator enters as SUNNY through the same door)
(SUNNY looks over whole audience judgmentally)
(SUNNY hobbles up to someone near the front)
SUNNY
(in an out-of-context Russian accent to a distinct person in the audience:) You. I do not like you.
(SUNNY takes a seat at the table)
(offstage knocking)
(SUNNY hobbles off stage through inside door)
(ALEX gets up and opens outside door)
(Narrator as SHERMAN enters)
SHERMAN
Hello, (finger quotes) “Alex.”
(SHERMAN freezes during ALEX’s aside)
ALEX
(to audience:) This is Sherman. He’s my cousin and a bit hmmmm neurotic. A bit of a government conspiracist. Shark attacks? The government. Clowns? The government. The universal fear of commitment? You got it. Insecurities caused by a traumatic childhood incident that will take years of therapy to reverse. (smiles)
(ALEX moves back closer to the table and outside doorway)
(to Sherman:) Hi, Sherman. Can I get you something to drink?
SHERMAN
Oh no, (finger quotes) “Alex.” I brought my own personal distilled water completely uncontaminated by you-know-who.
(SHERMAN moves back to outside doorframe in preparation to become HERMAN)
ALEX
(to audience:) No, this is not Harry Potter. Don’t get excited, nerds.
(Narrator walks in through door as HERMAN)
HERMAN
(to ALEX:) What up, A-Moneyyyy?
(HERMAN goes to dab up ALEX)
ALEX
(annoyed) Hi, Herman.
HERMAN
(angry) What I tell you about addressin’ me by my white people name?
ALEX
You are white.
HERMAN
(hurt) Not on the inside, home girl. Not on the inside.
(HERMAN freezes during ALEX’s aside)
ALEX
(to audience:) White people.
(ALEX shakes her head)
That’s Sherman’s twin brother, Herman. Don’t you see the resemblance?
(Narrator poses as SHERMAN)
(Narrator poses as HERMAN and freezes once again)
ALEX
(continues to audience:) I don’t see it. Ah, a conspiracist and a racist all here together. Where is America’s sweetheart, Albert Lincoln Roker Jr., when you need him?
(offstage knocking)
HERMAN
(to ALEX:) Ain’t you gon’ ask me if I want something to drank?
ALEX
No.
(Narrator’s hands go up becoming HERMAN)
HERMAN
(hurt) What!?
(ALEX nears outside door)
ALEX
(calmly) No.
HERMAN
But why?
ALEX
Firstly, because you’re more irritating than chronic eczema. Secondly, because the gallon of cologne you decided to bathe in for whatever reason today is fucking with my asthma and I don’t appreciate it. And thirdly, because someone actually important is here.
HERMAN
Who?
ALEX
Stella.
HERMAN
Oh your little neighbor friend? What a fine piece of ass that girl’s turned into. Shawty 18 yet?
(winks and smiles at ALEX)
ALEX
(very angry) Are you thirty yet? Get a life, Eminem.
HERMAN
I was just thinkin’ that Herman could be her man, naw sayin’?
(Narrator leans against wall becoming CASH)
CASH
Would you two little shits quit yer bickerin’? Y’all make my ass itchy. (spits)
(ALEX opens outside door through which STELLA enters)
STELLA
Hi, family! Hello, Alex.
(smiles and hugs ALEX a little too long)
(Narrator moves about room and chairs while morphing into each character to greet STELLA showing ALEX’s family is very fond of her)
SHERMAN
How are you, (finger quotes) “Stella?”
BITCH DARLENE
Hi, sweetheart.
MOONSHINE
Oh, my second daughter, please come sit down.
CASH
(Creepily) Howdy, gorgeous.
HERMAN
(Creepily as well) Hey, shawty.
(STELLA gives forced amused look to CASH and HERMAN and moves towards SUNNY’s chair where Narrator becomes SUNNY)
SUNNY
Come sit next to me, my little babushka. And please don’t mind any men here with little enough a brain to get elected to the Congress.
(STELLA sits)
STELLA
My, Sunny, you don’t look a day over 89!
SUNNY
(frowns during entire line) It is all the American Botox. That’s why I always appear so cheery.
(STELLA and Narrator tableau freeze)
ALEX
(To audience:) Stella moved here in kindergarten and we’ve been inseparable ever since. I would trust her with my life and trusting doesn’t come easy to me. You blame society, I’ll blame what Michelle Obama did to the public school cafeteria. My family treats her like she’s my mom’s second daughter. I’m my mom’s first daughter in case that confused you. Especially you, sweet cheeks. (points to someone in audience) I would do anything for Stell, I really would. She’s absolutely (pauses) perfect; passionate and sweet, but protective and hot-headed, so smart and wow look just look at her. She’s breathtaking. Stell is my favorite person in the whole world and I wish I could scream that from the rooftops, but I have a crippling fear of heights so that nixes that.
(Narrator and STELLA unfreeze. Narrator moves about table again becoming MOONSHINE)
MOONSHINE
Did you all just hear the most splendid news yesterday?
(Narrator becomes disinterested BITCH DARLENE)
BITCH DARLENE
What was that, hon?
(Narrator becomes MOONSHINE again)
MOONSHINE
That love wins!
(Narrator sits and becomes CASH)
CASH
What on God’s creation does that pussy shit mean?
(Narrator stands up becoming MOONSHINE)
MOONSHINE
Brother dearest, Cash, I have told you many times that I appreciate your free expression, but please stop with the degrading language!
(Narrator takes on nervous posture of SHERMAN)
SHERMAN
(Finger quotes) “You know who” did that.
(Narrator freezes during ALEX’s aside, but STELLA watches lovingly)
ALEX
(to audience:) The government, for you not so quicker-picker-uppers.
(Narrator unfreezes)
SHERMAN
(Finger quotes) “They” said it’s okay to marry, for the homosexuals to marry. It’s wrong, it’s all so wrong. Love is just a construct (finger quotes) “they” created so that you’ll focus on succumbing to marriage. That way that’s all you’re ever focused on is “love” and “marriage” and if you’ll ever complete those tasks. That way you’ll never even notice what they’re doing right under our noses. Holy Kleenex. Now they’ve sucked in the only invincible peoples we had, the homosexuals. There is no hope for us now against “you-know-who.”
(Narrator sits becoming SUNNY)
ALEX
(To audience sarcastically:) Yes, I do believe these are the end times.
SUNNY
I think that’s where my homeland of Russia really went wrong. How can you not let two people in love marry and even worse, have to hide their love? (smiles at STELLA and takes her hand) When we hide our love, we hide who we are. There is no greater tragedy than that. And the people who make them hide should be hung by their ball sacks.
(Narrator stands up becoming MOONSHINE)
MOONSHINE
I completely agree, my earthly mother, even surprisingly with the testicle portion.
(Narrator switches to the less liberal feelings of BITCH DARLENE)
BITCH DARLENE
Don’t you think it’s kind of gross, though? To men giving it to each other in their exits?
(Narrator sits becoming CASH)
ALEX
What’s actually gross, Darlene, is the thought that you’re against gays when your boyfriend’s got a hard-on for every man in NASCAR. Besides, that’s disgusting that you automatically feel the need to sexualize others.
CASH
Alex, I’ve about had it with your little mouth. You better straighten up or you’ll never find a man.
ALEX
(Sarcastically) With all due respect, Uncle Cash, I have no intentions of ever straightening up to find myself a man.
CASH
(Spits) Fine, be an old spinster. What’s neither here nor there is that this “love wins” bullshit has taken it too far. The bible says it’s wrong and so do I.
ALEX
Maybe you’re just upset because the state of Virginia won’t allow all your trailer park buddies to marry their cousins.
CASH
Moonshine, I swear to Jeff Gordon! You let her speak this way to me?
(Narrator stands up becoming MOONSHINE)
MOONSHINE
(Innocently) Oh, sorry, what? I wasn’t listening. (Slyly smiles)
(Narrator takes seat next to Stella once more becoming CASH leaned back in his chair)
CASH
Sherman, what the hell are you doing still drinking that faggy (finger quotes) “personal water?” It’s about time someone around here taught you to man up.
(Narrator leans forward taking on the nervous posture of SHERMAN)
SHERMAN
I do NOT need to man up, (finger quotes) “Cash.” You need to stop telling other people what to do and how to live their lives. I can be however I want and still be a man. Oh (finger quotes) “they” are coming for you, I have no doubts about that. (begins rocking back and forth) No doubts. No doubts. No doubts.
(Narrator noticeably leans back to become a very angry CASH)
CASH
(Spits)
Ball-less bastard.
(Narrator remains in chair but transforms back into SHERMAN for Stella’s line)
STELLA
(Puts her hand on back of SHERMAN)
See, this is why I like you, Sherman.
(Gives SHERMAN a friendly smile)
(Narrator turns into “wanna-be gangsta” twin HERMAN)
HERMAN
Ha! Hey, shawty, wanna have a sip of my personal water? Ha.
(STELLA disgustedly removes hand from Narrator and slowly moves head to face audience with an equally disgusted look)
ALEX
(Very angry) Herman, what the FUCK did you just say to her?
(Narrator rises)
HERMAN
Hey, fam. You ain’t gotta get on me like sweaty drawls just cause I got game like Lebronnnnnn. (raises eyebrows up and down on Lebronnnn)
(Narrator and ALEX move away from table during these next few lines)
ALEX
Let me clear something up for you, fam. She’s not your shawty and she’s not your thing to objectify. Stella is a beautiful person with feelings and she is not AT ALL interested in you, Jerry Sandusky.
HERMAN
You’re comin’ off like a fucking dyke. Is that what you are, Alex, huh? Is that why you’re so mad?
ALEX
(Whispers) That’s none of your FUCKING business.
HERMAN
(Satisfied) Ahhh so it is true. Should’ve known you being such a bitch all the time. Just remember, Alex, she doesn’t want you and no woman in their right mind would. You can’t give anyone what a man can, a man like me.
ALEX
(Coolly) And what exactly could a man like you give someone? The clap?
HERMAN
(explosively) You’re gonna wish you hadn’t ever said that to me. (turns head towards table and shouts) HEY FAM, YOU HEAR THAT? ALEX IS A DYKE AND LOVESSSS STELLA.
(Narrator takes seat at table)
(Every single character played by Narrator, excluding HERMAN, takes a moment in the chair to transform into them and give a reaction expression.)
(Narrator becomes MOONSHINE during ALEX’s aside)
ALEX
(to audience bluntly:) Well, shit. All those years of me secretly pushing the gay agenda on my family, only for them to catch me red-handed. Tom Cruise did not prepare me for this as well as he should have.
MOONSHINE
Alex, starlight, is that true?
ALEX
I guess it’s one of those things that can’t be taken back once it’s said, so yeah I suppose.
MOONSHINE
Come here, my baby girl.
(MOONSHINE embraces her daughter lovingly and looks at her pushing hair out of ALEX’s face)
ALEX
(smiles) Thanks, Mom.
MOONSHINE
You are my stardust and nothing could change that.
(Narrator moves behind CASH’s chair becoming BITCH DARLENE)
BITCH DARLENE
Moonshine, you are one crazy bitch to think this is okay. Where are your ‘Murican values?
(Narrator sits becoming SUNNY)
SUNNY
Apparently someplace you’ve never been. If your idea of American values are calling a man “daddy” who would drop your ass at the first sign of a pregnancy scare and insulting my family, then you can get the hell out of my house.
(Narrator stands up and becomes HERMAN)
HERMAN
I ain’t tryin’ to be rude or nothin’, but surely hella fine Stella here is feeling pretty awkward, jus’ sayin’ yo.
ALEX
Sit your foolish ass down. (to audience) I tell ya, what you hear when you don’t have a gun.
STELLA
I don’t feel awkward at all. Truth is I love Alex right back and she and I are more than friends and have been all of high school. And though she can’t give me the unemployment you collect, Herman, she’s everything to me and if anyone has something negative to say about it then they can answer to me.
(ALEX sits and holds STELLA’s hand)
(Narrator turns into SUNNY once more)
SUNNY
Cash, tell me why you love Darlene here.
(Narrator sits back becoming CASH)
CASH
I love ‘er cause she brings me beer whenever I want. (freezes)
ALEX
(To audience:) The foundations of romance.
CASH
(continues) And I guess when I think of it she’s my woman and always listens to me jabber on and makes me feel like a man like no one else could.
(Narrator hunches forward becoming SUNNY)
SUNNY
Do you not see then that everyone in life has someone who makes them feel like that? How can you sit there and say that Alex and Stella don’t deserve to be that for each other? Quit focusing on the Bible you pretend to read and more on the people who you’re supposed to love. If you or your girlfriend or you, Herman, feel the need to be so immature and bigoted then never bother yourselves with coming into my home or talking to me ever again.