Aladdinadress Under the Sea
Cast list
Widow Twanky / The coolly convincing Colin RossDaz / Luscious Lorraine
Abenazer / Raunchy Roxy
Aladdin / Emma Scully
Zak / tba
Ariel (The Mer-Princess without a stain on her character) / Dr Wendy Peters
Minnow / Mysterious Michelle
Genie / Mary, Mary, not at all Contrary
Gerald / Tina G
Policewoman Inspector (Eva) Biggun / watch out for the LAGLO Guest
Christmas Fairy / Delicious Danielle
Dancing Girl / Delectable Diane
Scene 1 – on the beach
Lighting Setting 1.
Enter [SL] Widow and Daz carrying baskets of laundry to table [CS]
WidowWork, work, work! Oh Daz, these piles of washing never get any smaller! This job is going to last as long as the road works on the Millbrook bypass, (or wherever they are at the time)
DazWe mustn’t grumble, Widow Wanky, this washing has come up really well – with that bluey whiteness I really like.
WidowShe’s not called Daz for nothing! We work our fingers to the bone and life never gets any easier.
DazAt least it passes the time! And we do have a nice view to look at while we work.
WidowA view? A view? The sunset, the Docks with The Isle of wight in the distance? You’re right as usual – we are lucky. How do you stay cheerful all the time?
DazOh you know, I count my blessings.
Widow Blessings? Blessings? You live in a shack on Thornhill. You work 12 hours a day. Your boyfriend Zak is a useless pearl fisher who hangs around with my useless son Aladdin. Which blessings do you count?
DazOh – I love the long evenings with Aladdin, Zak and I eating oysters they have caught. The smell of the barbeque and the knowledge that Zak loves me is all I need to be happy.
WidowHappy? You’re lucky. I need a lot more than that to make me happy. I like my men strong and rich.
Widow boogies to snatch of macho man or something appropriate
DazIs that what your husband was like? A real hero?
WidowWho? Old wanky? No. He was just like Aladdin: full of dreams, and romance, but no common sense! He just sits thinking about stupid things- like do fish get thirsty? Or he wonders whether if you tie buttered toast to the back of a cat and drop from a height, what would happen?
DazHmm. I’ll have to think about that one. It’s a good question.
WidowMaybe. But it’s completely useless. No the man of my dreams is different - hewould shower me in wealth and pearls – Oh I don’t mean those little squiggly pearls Aladdin and Zak find, I mean large, smooth, round, shining pearls with golden highlights which glimmer in the light.
DazIt’s true that the pearls Zak and Al find are not that valuable. Maybe one day one of them will find something really special. But your brother Abanazer gives them a fair price…
WidowA fair price? I don’t know about that – he’s always been a bit of a crook- every time they are about to make ends meet, he moves the ends. But he has the connections in town so there’s nothing we can do. Aladdin hasn’t exactly got a designer suit to wear for doing business deals in the city!
Saying that, I don’t trust Abanazer further than I can throw him and I like to know if he’s around.
(To audience) Would you please help us by hissing whenever you see him coming? Can we practice that? (repeat until audience reaction is good – maybe 3 times)
DazWell, I can’t see life around here changing much in the near future.
WidowChanging? No we’ll keep on working and dreaming, the boys will keep on diving to find wee tiny pearls, and Abenazer will keep on giving them even less money than they deserve. Here comes the old rogue now. Abenazer, my dear brother, how are you? (encourages the audience to hiss)
Abenazer(enters [SR])Alwaysbusy sister, doing my best for you and Aladdin. I’m meeting him here actually. Will you be waiting?
WidowWaiting? Do you think we have time to stand around here gossiping all day. We have work to do!
Daz Come on; let’s get started on the ironing.
WidowI hate ironing!
(Daz & Widow go off grumbling taking table with them [SL] - Abenazer checks the messages on his mobile- Aladdin and Zak enter [SL])
AladdinWhat did you find today, Zak?
ZakOh – the usual. A few tiny ones. They’re pretty, but I don’t think they’ll make us millionaires. We need Chris Tarrant for that . Hello Abenazer.
AbenazerAh, my boys, what have you got for me?
AladdinWell, let’s put it this way, we still haven’t found the cave of wonders Uncle!
ZakThe Cave of Wonders, that sounds good. What are you talking about?
AladdinOh it’s just a fairy tale Uncle Abenazer used to tell me when I was a kid.
AbenazerNo fairy tale Aladdin. Just because no-one has seen it in thousands of years doesn’t mean it isn’t there, a bit like a happy Eastenders plot.
ZakBut what is it? Where is it?
AbenazerDeep in the ocean, far out of reach of ordinary folk, there is a cave. A cave so full of treasure and magic that the one who finds it will be rich and happy forever! Legend has it that the fisherman who dives for the cave of wonders must hold his breath for as long as it takes the mermaid to finish her song.
ZakOh right – I see – a fairy tale.
AbenazerYou boys could be rich – you could be millionaires and you could change the fate of the whole community, if only you would try a bit harder, diving a bit deeper – finding the cave of wonders.
ZakAladdin, your uncle is creeping me out.
AladdinI know – he gets like this sometimes. Just humour him.
AbenazerOh go on boys, mock me if you will. I know you’ll never find the cave of wonders, but I also know it is down there somewhere: untold wealth and power… Anyway, 10p per pearl, that’s £1.40 for you Zak and 80p for Aladdin.
AladdinThanks, I suppose, but are you sure that’s all they’re worth, they are pretty!
Abenazer(angrily) are calling me a liar? I’m your uncle, your own flesh and blood, and you think I might cheat you? You no good, lazy little toe rag- you’re just like my lawn mower, you are hard to get started, you emit foul odours, and half the time you don’t work…
AladdinAlright, alright, 10p each it is. I just don’t see how I’m supposed to survive on so little.
ZakYeah, maybe we should think about a career change.
AbenazerBut then you might not find the cave of wonders!
Zak and Aladdin wander off [SL] saying sarcastically:
AladdinOh yeah Zak, we must keep hunting for the cave of wonders!
ZakUntold wealth and power!
AladdinI’ll never rest till I find it!
After they have left, Abenazer dials a number on his mobile
AbenazerHello, ah yes, Gerald. I have 11 seed pearls. Please contact the bank – yes they’re in good condition. Try to get £5 for each one, don’t go below £3.50. Thanks, I’ll be back in the office in the morning (evil cackle as Abenazer exits [SR])
Scene 2 – On the beach
Widow(entering [SL])Aladdin, Aladdin!
Zak and Daz enter together [SL] after Widow
DazMorning Widow Twanky.
WidowGood morning Daz. It looks like a lovely day!
ZakYeah, a perfect day for a dip in the sea.
WidowA dip in the sea? Tell that to Aladdin, he won’t get out of bed. Aladdin!
Enter Aladdin [SL], rubbing his eyes
AladdinAlright mother I’m up! Hiya Zak, morning Daz.
WidowAbout time and you haven’t had a proper breakfast. I hope you have brushed your teeth, breath test…(She bends forward expecting Aladdin to breathe on her)
AladdinMum? I brushed my teeth OK? You’re embarrassing me!
Widow(fondly)Oh, you silly boy, off you go then – have you got your sandwiches?
AladdinYes Mum, thanks Mum! (Aladdin and Zak go off [SR])
DazYou’ve got to let him grow up you know. He’s not a kid any more.
WidowNot a kid? He’s my baby! I have no-one else – I couldn’t bear to loose him.
DazWell sooner or later he’s going to meet a girl.
WidowA girl? Huh, what does he need a girl for when his Mummy can look after him.
DazOh come on Widow Twanky, you know I’m right.
WidowI know nothing of the sort; he’s dependent on me financially AND emotionally and I can’t see either of those things changing for a long time. He only brought 80p home last night after a whole day’s diving. He needs his dear Mother to put food on his plate!
Daz Oh well, we’ll see.
WidowCome on, we have to get started with this laundry, the dryer’s packed up again! I suppose I’ll have to get onto Comet.
Widow and Daz exit SL
Scene 3 - On the beach
Aladdin and Zak enter [SR] and get ready to dive, putting on goggles/mask and flippers.
Zak(laughing) So we have to hold our breaths for as long as a mermaid’s song huh?
AladdinOf course, everybody knows how long that is.
ZakWell, how long, smarty pants?
AladdinOh you know – how long is a piece if string?
Zak (dreamily)Untold wealth and power.
AladdinIt would be nice. I could move out of my mother’s place.
ZakYou? Move out? It would kill her!
AladdinI know, but at 38 I should be getting a bit more independent. She needs to find herself someone else to mollycoddle.
ZakYou mean another husband? At her age?
AladdinIt’s not so impossible – is it? Match.com are getting pretty desperate, have you seen their ads on TV? It’s my only hope! Oh if only I were rich.
ZakWell it is a beautiful day, so let’s go.
AladdinWe’ll have a contest. Who can stay under the longest?
ZakYou mean who can dive for as long as it takes for the mermaid to finish her song? As they say, it ain’t over ‘till the fishy lady sings.
AladdinThat’s right, ready steady go.
ZakWait, remember to look out for something on the bottom that twitches.
AladdinWhy? What will that be?
ZakA nervous wreck, ha, ha, ha. Get it- a nervous wreck.
AladdinOh shut up, let’s go…
They dive into the audience, via [SL] exit, Aladdin first, then Zak - Zak goes to the audience [SL] and finds oysters under seats and around the front of the hall. Aladdin swims right [SR] round the hall. Zak goes back up to the shore [STAGE] and releases his breath. He smiles and looks out for Aladdin returning. Aladdin is still swimming and he reaches the entrance to the cave. He picks up an oyster and heads back up the short way. When he lands on the beach hecollapses to his knees.
ZakAl, Al, Are you OK?
Zak stoops to help Aladdin. Aladdin gasps for breath and coughs.
AladdinZak, I-I’m OK I think.
ZakAlright, you won by miles. But that was too long – you’ll drown if you do that again.
Aladdin I know mate I’m sorry. Just competitive I guess, plus, I’m in training for the 2012 Olympics.
ZakWell you might have won the breathing contest but who found the most pearls? I got 3, look.
Zak holds out 3 tiny pearls. Aladdin opens his oyster and out falls an enormous round pearl. They both gasp…
ZakAladdin!
AladdinI don’t believe it!
ZakIt’s magnificent!
Aladdin(Stage whisper) I found the cave of wonders!
Enter Abenazer [SR] – the audience should hiss. If they don’t, Aladdin needs to remind them – “did someone hiss?” or “Come on, it’s a Pantomime – where’s the hissing when its needed?” etc… Abenazer sneaks up behind the boys, who haven’t noticed him.
ZakYou think it’s that valuable – it’s only one pearl.
AladdinNo, but yes, but… you don’t understand Zak, it was at the mouth of a cave, but I couldn’t explore because I ran out of breath.
ZakAladdin, you can’t go back down there. It’s too far! It’s not worth it buddy! It’s no good being rich, if you’re dead!
AbenazerOh Zak – (snatches the pearl from Zak’s fingers) don’t be so melodramatic. Of course Aladdin wants to explore the cave, don’t you Aladdin. Unless of course Zak wants to put you off, so he can go and get all the treasure for himself.
AladdinI found the cave Zak, I’ll do the exploring – I can’t believe you would try to trick me like that.
ZakBut Aladdin, I would never do that! Have you forgotten that I almost had to give you the kiss of life not 2 minutes ago?
AladdinIts true uncle, it’s too deep. I’m just not up to it. Sorry uncle. But what about that one? How much can you get for it?
AbenazerWell let me see. It is quite large, but cloudy and not perfectly round – I reckon I could maybe get, if I use my connections and well, perhaps I could push it up to… a fiver.
AladdinFive pounds! Is that all?
AbenazerWhat do you mean is that all? … I travel down here every day and leave my other business on hold, just because you are family? You are a greedy boy Aladdin! Is that all? You deserve a clip round the ear! I’ll discuss this with your mother!
Aladdin(exasperated) I’m sorry uncle, OK? Just leave me alone!
Abenazer storms off [SR]
AladdinWhat a break, I nearly died and all I get is £5!
Zak So? Do I get an apology?
AladdinWhat? …Oh man – I’m so sorry. Uncle just gets me all mixed up. Of course I trust you. You don’t even know where I went. Do you?
ZakNo! I can’t hold my breath as long as you and I don’t know where it is – this cave of wonders as you call it. I don’t even believe it exists! You got lucky and found a big pearl, why don’t you just celebrate that – you’ve never earned £5 in a day in your whole life – I can’t believe the way your acting!
AladdinYou as well – why is everyone angry with me today? ? What is this, the Jerry Springer show? I’m going home! (Aladdin storms off [SL])
ZakI don’t know – untold wealth and power. Daz and I are happy with our little house and this beautiful life.
Enter Daz [SL]
DazZak, Zak, what’s going on? Why is everyone so angry?
ZakOh Daz, I don’t know. I just thank my lucky stars I’ve got you.
DazWell, actually, I’ve got you a present.
ZakFor me?
DazIt’s a mobile phone, so we can text each other whenever we like.
ZakCool, it’s even got a video – I can record you telling me you love me and play it back every hour.
DazOh Zak. I do love you!
Daz & Zak exit [SL] then Lighting [BO]
Scene 4 – Under the sea
Lighting setting 2, then enter Ariel and Minnow from different sides … meet on rock.
MinnowHi Ariel, how’s fins?
ArielNot good, my parents have lost the plot….. They have fished up some Octopus Prince they want me to marry
MinnowThat’s awful, but I guess you haven’t got a leg to stand on since you have turned down every other suitor you have had for the last few years.
ArielBut Mummy always told me that I should marry for love!
MinnowYes, but they have been waiting all this time and you don’t fall in love! And let’s face it your fast reaching your sell by date. The mer-law says that a Princess must marry before she reaches 57 years. You have met every Prince under the sea and rejected them one at a time!
ArielThat’s exactly the problem – under-the-sea – I want to live on land! And all the men I meet are hopeless. You know what I call a man with half a brain? … Gifted
MinnowAriel, I’m your best friend. You don’t want to leave us all behind do you? Think of all the fun we’ve had down here: dancing through the anemones, hiding in the coral. On land you can only walk or run, down here you can swim in any direction.
ArielOh Minnow, we do have fun and It is beautiful under here, but that’s exactly it.
MinnowWhat is it?
Ariel“Under” – I don’t want to be under any more, I want to be over the sea, over the world, over the rainbow! I want to go to the top, not the bottom. Can you understand?
MinnowAriel honey the problem is, you dream and dream, but you’ll never meet a human. They can’t breathe down here and you can’t walk up there. You’d best go with octopus.
ArielBut I just need a little more time. Anyway you’re not married yet
MinnowMaybe not, but I’m ready to give it a go. There were some smart looking salmon at The Edge on Friday night.
ArielThose geeks – oh Minnow, you can do better than that. There are two reasons why those guys don’t mind their own business. No mind and no business.
MinnowHey don’t put me down Ariel, just coz I live in the real world!
ArielWell its looks as though I have a week before they send for Prince Octopus! I can’t go with him. I’d be miserable for ever. I will find love this week, I know I will.
MinnowBut the problem still remains – how will you meet a human?
ArielWell actually, I have found a secret place.
MinnowMinstead Village Hall ?
ArielNo silly, a cave, where there is air and a beach, so he’ll be able to breathe.
MinnowBut how will he get there?
ArielOh, I’m luring him in with oysters.
MinnowYou’d better not use all the best oysters.