History of assertiveness………………………………………………………………………..2

What is assertiveness…………………………………………………………………………..2

a)ten points about assertive behaviours………………………………………..……….3

b)Being Assertive…………………………………………………………………….………….3

Types of Assertiveness……………………………………………………………………...…………..4

Assertive behaviour…………………………………………………………………….4

Passive behaviour…………………………………………………...………………….4

Aggresive behaviour………..…………………………………….…………………….5

Manipulative behaviour…………………..……………….……………..……………..5

Table 4.1 Assertiveness table………………………….…………………….……….5

Negative attitude and passive behaviour………………...…………………..…………6

Negative attitude and manipulative behaviour…………...…………………………….6

Negative attitude and aggressive behaviour…………...…………………….…………6

Positive attitude assertive behaviour.….………………………………………………..7

Skills of assertiveness……………..………………………………………...………………..7

Fogging……………………………………………………………….………………..7

Negative assertion…...…...... ……………………………………………………….7

Broken record……..……………………………………………………………………7

Negative inquiry……..…………………………………………………………………8

Free information………………………………………………………………………..8

Self disclosure………………………………………………………………………….8

Workable compromise…………………………………………………………...…….8

Assertiveness by verbal and non-verbal communication……..………………………….…….8

Figure 5.1………..……………………………………………………………………..9

Assertiveness in cultures…………………………………………………………………..….10

Human Assertiveness Rights…………………………………………………………………10

Saying “yes” or “no”………………………………………………………………………….11

Why is it difficult to say no?...... 11

How to say ‘no’ assertively?...... 12

Why is it difficult to say ‘yes’……………………………………………………….12

How to say ‘yes’ assertively……………………………………….…..……………12

Combining ‘yes’ and ‘no’……………………………………………………………13

Assertiveness Training...... 13

Problems in assertiveness training...... 14

The importance of assertiveness in work place……………………………………………….14

Managers views of assertiveness……………………………………….…………..15

To decide when to be assertive………………………………………………….……………16

References……………………………………………………………………………………17

1-HİSTORY OF ASSERTIVENESS

The concept of assertion was simplified to saying ‘no’ and ‘getting your own way’ or to ‘standing up for your rights’ and ‘getting where and what you want in bed, at work on the social scene, and at home’ (Smith-1975)

Today assertion training is viewed by scientific and Professional comminities as a powerful but limited techniqe that can be tremendous benefit to individuals when used by well-trained clinicians who are coglisand of the complexities involved in helping people achieve their behavior-chance goals.At is really a prototypical intervention fort he modern world,vanded, while unneccesary in earlier times, dramatical the needs of people today’s technological chaotic, and unstablle environment.

Socrates argued that all voluntary acts were rational, in the sense that the person had good reasons fort he action,and that it was impossible for a person to respond voluntarily in ways antogonistic to good reasons.

2-WHAT IS ASSERTIVENESS?

Assertiveness is about self confidence which means having a positive attitude towards yourself and others.It means being honest with yourself and others; and it is about respecting yourself and others. When you are self confident and your behavior is assertive, you are open to others and their views eventhough they may be different from your own.

Being assertive is essentially about respecting yourself and others. It is about having a basic belief that your opinions, beliefs, thoughts and feelings are as important as anybody else’s and that this goes for other people to.It is about being in touch with your own needs and wants but contrary to some misconceptions about assertive behaviour.It is not about going for what you want at any cost.

a)Ten Points about Assertive Behaviours

1-It depends on expressing yourself

2-Showing respects to others rights

3-Being honest

4-Indirect and certain

5-Mutual equilibrim and benefit is important in a relationship

6-It is expressing emotions, rights, realities, thoughts and boundaries by words

7-Using non-verbal comminication for sending the message

8-It is not universal, it depends on the position and the individual

9-It is getting social responsibility

10-It is not the nature of the hunamkind, it can be learned

b)Being Assertive

Assertion is about being who you really are.Part of being assertive is about shifting our focs from adapting the circumstances to focusing on what you want to create.These are the steps of to take towards that end result.

1-Being assertive is focusing on your goal

Focusing on your goal concentrates your energy.It makes a lot more sense to focus on your goal rather than to dwell on obstacles or problems which are getting in the way of achieving that goal.In addition, if you are aware of and focusing on your goal you will also know that certain actions,while not particularly enjoyable in themselves, are steps towards your desired results.

2-Being assertive is being self-aware

Being self aware means knowing what makes you tick, knowing areas in which you would like to change your behaviour and knowing in which ways yoare happy with the way you are.

3-Being assertive is being true to yourself

It means following your own path.If you don’t know exactly what that is, making choices will help you to find out.

4-Being assertive is building self esteem

It is about believing ourselves as much as we could.To build self esteem;

  • Identify the areas in which you lack self esteem, and find techniques which suit you which you can use to build yourself up
  • Read boks which help you to affirm yourself
  • Be aware of negative messages you gie yourself and change them into posiive ones
  • Identify what you are good at, what skills you have, what your achievements are,your qualities.Make a list.
  • Listen to relaxation and self affirming tapes
  • Tell yourself you are unique individual and that you owe it to yourself to do what is right for you

5-Being assertive is nurturing yourself

It means looking after yourself, not expecting someone else to do it for you.It involves making sure you have fulfilling and rewarding ; making sure you have enough pleasure in your life; making sure you are taking steps towards your long-term goals; congratulating yourself for things you do well.

3-TYPES OF ASSERTIVENESS

Passive behaviour

The person who behaves non-assertively in a situation does not assert his/her basic rights, instead he/she allows others to infringe upon them.

Assertive behaviour

The person who behaves assertively in a situation asserts his/her basic rights.He/she takes responsibility for them whilst recognizing and respecting to other person’s basic rights.

Aggresive behaviour

The person who behaves aggresively in a situation asserts his/her basic rights at the expense of the other person’s rights.He/she does not respect that other person has rights.

Manipulative behaviour

The person who behaves manipulatively has a negative opinion of himself/herself and of others.His/her behaviour is self destructive and destructive towards others.The person is usually depressed and demotivated.

I am not ok,you are ok-----non-assertive behaviour

I am ok,you are ok-----assertive behaviour

Iam ok,you are not ok------aggressive behaviour

I am not ok,you are not ok---manipulative behaviour.

Table 4.1 Assertiveness table

Negative attitude and passive behaviour

  • Lack of self confidence and low self esteem
  • Lack of self respect
  • Self putdowns
  • Negative feelings and thoughts about yourself
  • Feeliings of inferiority compared to others
  • Like others to be in control of people and situations
  • Feel guilty towards others
  • demotivated

Negative attitude and manipulative behaviour

  • Lack of self confidence and low self esteem
  • Lack of self respect and lack of respect for others
  • Mistrustful and suspicious of others’ motives
  • Negative feelings and thoughts about self and others
  • Feel very wary towards others
  • Dishonest and indirect
  • Twist what others have said
  • Undermine others’ self esteem
  • Depressed and demotivated

Negative attitude and aggressive behaviour

  • Lack of self confidence and low self esteem
  • Lack of respect towards others
  • Put others down
  • Feelings of superiority
  • Like to be incontrol of people and situations
  • Disinterested in others’ thoughts and feelings
  • Feel angry towards others and are quick to blame them
  • Dont listen to or ask questions

Positive attitude assertive behaviour

  • Self confidence and high self esteem
  • Respect for self and towards others
  • Take responsibility for self
  • Motivated to do a good job
  • İnterested in others’ feelings and thoughts
  • Ask questions
  • Honest and direct
  • Listen to others
  • Ask others for feedback

4-SKILLS OF ASSERTIVENESS

a)broken record

A skill that by calm repetition-saying what you want over and over again.Teaches persistence without your having to rehearse arguments or angry feelings beforehand, in order to be ’up’ for dealing with others

b)fogging

A skill that teaches acceptance of manipulative critism by calmly acknowledging to your critic probablity that there may be some truth in what he says,yet allows you to remain your own judge of what you do

c)negative assertion

A skill that teaches acceptance of your errors and faults (without having to apologize) by strongly and sympathetically agreeing with hostileor constructive critism of your negative qualities.

d)negative inquiry

A skill that teaches the active prompting of critism in order to use the information (if helpful) or exhaust it (if manupilative) while prompting your critic to be more assertive, less dependent on manupilative ploys.

e)free information

A skill that teaches the recognition of simple cues given by a social partner in everyday conversation to indicate what isinteresting or important to that person.

f) self disclosure

A skill that teaches the acceptance and initiation of discussion of both the positive and negative aspects of your personality behaviour, life style, intelligence, to enhance social comminication and reduced manupilation.

g)workable compromise

In using your verbal assertive skills, it is practical, whenever you feel that your self respect is not in question, to offer a workable compromise to other person.You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personel feelings of self respect.If the end goal involves a matter of your self worth, however, there can be no compromise.

5-ASSERTİVENESS BY VERBAL AND NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

‘It ain’t what you say,it is the way that you say it’

Assertion is generally becomes clear by verbal communication (like ‘yes’ or ‘no’...etc)

Also we use body language and other forms of nonverbal communication tools to express our emotions to behave in assertive way.These are;

Tonation

‘I will phone you’ – It will be me not any other person

‘I will phone you’ – I will not forget!

‘I will phone you’ – I will not write or visit.

‘I will phone you’ – It will be you,not any other person.

The forms of non-verbal communication that we use to behave in assertive or passive way are:

Faces and the looks

Eye signal

Body image

Personal space

The smile

Figure 5.1 Behaviours that shows degree of assertiveness

6-ASSERTIVENESS IN CULTURES

In generally people tend to express themselves on assertive way but assertiveness does not seem symphatic by society generally.School,church and the family pressure restricts assertivenessat early periods of the individuals. Assertiveness is directly related with masculine characteristic in some cultures.Also assertiveness is directly related with individualizm.Assertiveness may behave on different ways according to cultures..For example;

  • In the Asian comminities being a group member and prestige is valuable.It is not important how he/she see himself/herself,but it is important how he/she seems by society.Comminication is indirect becouse they dont want to break someone’s heart.Assertiveness,which described by western civilization as ’expressing himself directly ’ is not a acceptable way of behaviour according to traditional cultures like ‘Asians’
  • European civilization behaves in a direct , informal and assertive way.Most of European have high degree of indivudializm and it is the cause of why they are assertive.
  • America and the civilizations who are in touch with USA are also behaves assertive.

7-HUMAN ASSERTIVE RIGHTS

Assertion theory is based on the assumptions that: everyone has basic human rights which should be respected; and that assertion skills can be developed.The theory of assertion emphasizes the basic rights that we all have and the responsibilities which go with having these rights.

  • The right to do anything which does not violate the rights of others
  • The right to be assertive or non-assertive
  • The right to make choices
  • The right to change
  • The right to control over body,time and possesions
  • The right to express opinions and beliefs
  • The right to think well of oneself
  • The right to make requests
  • The right to express sexuality
  • The right to have needs and desires
  • The right to fantasy
  • The right to have information
  • The right to have goods or services which have been paid
  • The right to be independent and to be left alone
  • The right to say no
  • The right to be treated with respect

8-SAYING ‘YES’ OR ‘NO’

Saying ‘yes’and saying ‘no’ are important responses which an assertive person needs to be able to make.They are important ways we have of defining ourselves and showing other people how we wish to be treated and where our bounaries are.They are not the only assertive resonses that we may wish to make in a particular situation.

Why is it difficult to say no?

  • If ı say no,they may feel hurt or injected
  • If ı say no this time, they may not like me anymore
  • If ı say no this time,they may never ask again
  • They won’t take any notice f ı say no
  • They would say ‘yes’ to me (and so ı will feel guilty if ı refuse them)
  • I can’t say no, becouse ı feel sorry for them

How to say ‘no’ assertively?

  • Start your reply with a clear,firm,audible ‘no’
  • Do not justify or make excuses.Giving a reason is different from over-appologizing
  • Feel that you have a right to say no
  • Once you have said ‘no’ , do not stay around waiting to be persuaded to change your mind.Make a definite closure by changing the subject,walking away, continuing with what you are doing-whatever is appropriate
  • Remember you are saying ‘no’ to that particular request,not rejecting the person
  • If the request takes you unawares or you have not sufficent time to think when asked,you can always say, ‘I will let you know’ n order to give yourself time to think about what you want to say
  • Take responsibility for saying no-do not blame the other person for asking you
  • Ask for more information if you need it in order to decide whether you want to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’

Why is it difficult to say ‘yes’

  • I don’t deserve it
  • They might not really mean it
  • I am not really sure that is what I want
  • I don’t have enough information

How to say ‘yes’ assertively

  • Say ‘yes’ clearly and definitely
  • Identify why you would find it difficult
  • Examine thoughts realistically and ask yourself
  • Having calarified thughts for yourself then reaffirm your desire to say ‘yes’

Combining ‘yes’ and ‘no’

‘yes’ and ‘no’ may be combined assertively to define what we want or what our limits are in a particular situation.

9-ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING

As we said before assertiveness is not programmed in human nature, in contrast it can be learned by training in a life time period.Assertiveness training may be and frequently is combined with or followed up by other techniques for personel growth.For example;

  1. Body-language awareness leading to work body oriented therapies
  2. Role-plays and then work in psyhcodrama
  3. awareness of other people’s perceptions and so work in sensitivity groups and encounter
  4. looking at situations in the past where one was, or was not,assertive and hence traditional psychoteraphy

The techniques, which are thaught in assertiveness training, include the following areas;

  1. verbal communication
  2. non-verbal communication
  3. anxiety reduction and control
  4. anger reduction and control, and redirection of this energy
  5. increase in self esteem
  6. awareness of self and others in interpersonnal situations
  7. awareness of social and cultural rules of behaviour

These techniques may be thaught by certain professionals, either on an individual bases or (we think more effectively) in small groups.

Problems in assertiveness training

  • The first major problem for assertion training involves negative evoluations of assertive people by others
  • Confusion between assertion and aggression
  • Problem involves transfer of training,the difficulty experienced by trainees in generalising assertive from the training context to real-life situations
  • Finally some of the difficulties in applying assertion training outside the training context may be due to intuitive training procedures that are inadequately based in research

The skills of helping the person to commit to changing his/her behaviour from non-assertive to assertive.

You will need action planning skills at this stage of the counselling process.In particular, you need to help the person set clear objectives;a mnemonic which can be useful is SMART.This stands for:

  • Specific
  • Measurable
  • Achievable
  • Realistic
  • Time oriented

10-THE IMPORTANCE OF ASSERTIVENESS IN WORK PLACE

The questions employees most asked to themselves are generally; ‘am I happy in my work?’ , ‘Do I want a beter job?’ , ‘Does my salary satisfy me?’ Answer of that questions depends on the rewards that people recieve from work below;

  • Personal identity
  • Wages or salary
  • Satisfaction from exercising skills
  • Satisfaction from helping people
  • Social environment

Employees should be assertive in order to get what they want from their work-life to have a fair standart of life at least.

For that purpose individuals use assertive skills (we have mentioned above) , and they are needed in dealing with;

  • Theirselves
  • The manager to whom they report
  • Their colleagues
  • Their subordinates
  • Clients or customers

Some people have difficulties in dealing assertively with one or more of these groups,while being confident in dealing with members of other groups.This is in part becouse a person’s responsibilities to the members of each these groups differs.

Managers views of assertiveness

Assertiveness is often confused with aggresive behaviour.Many managers consider themselves and some of their colleagus as not needing to develop assertiveness since they are already ‘too assertive’. However, once they start to develop a greater awareness of their attitudes and behaviour that realize that in fact, far frombeing assertive, their behaviour towards others is agressive.

The same managers often believe that the only way to do business is to be agressive towards others; they say that it is the only way to getting things done. The managers who do consider themselves as needing to develop assertiveness, are often those who recognize that they lack of self conidence.They tend to view their own behaviour and others who need to develop assertiveness as passive.They regularly find it difficult to express themselves and end up complying with the wishes of others.