Alexandr Mardan
The Last Hero
A Reality Show
A play in two acts
Characters:
Victor
Ludmila
Katia, their daughter
Vitaly, an agent
Costia, a neighbour
Stalina Petrovna, a neighbour
Tatiana, Ludmila’s elder sister
Workers
The scene is laid in a two –bedroom Khrushchev-type flat
.
ACT I
Scene 1
The scene is a room in a Khrushchev flat—living-room, dining-room and study combined. Its interior decoration represents all the history of this dwelling. There are framed photographs on the walls, typical Soviet furniture—a cupboard with cut-glass ware, a sofa, a carpet on the wall. The centerpiece is a pail into which drops of water are falling with a rhythmic sound. In the corner there is a TV set with the screen turned away from the auditorium. A girl is frozen before the screen. She is about twenty or twenty-five, red-haired, dressed in a bright-coloured poncho and jeans. There is a carry-all at her feet. Her gaze is riveted to the screen. A male voice is mouthing: “Lena. Lena. Vika. Oleg. Natasha. Vika. Vika. Mikhail. Vika. ”The voice stops. The girl utters a victorious cry, grabs the telephone receiver and dials.
Katia. Hello! Yes, it’s me. It’s just over. Want me to tell you? And what do I get for it? ( A pause.) You’ll do the dishes all the week. (A pause.) Two days??? You may sit there and eat your heart out. (A pause.) All right, I am kind today. They’ve eaten up that snotty Vika!!! (A pause.) The law of the jungle! (A pause.) Yes, I’m almost done. I’ll just find my woolen socks, and I’ll be off. Yeah.
Katia hangs up, comes up to an open wardrobe, sorts out things on the shelves.
Enter Ludmila with a bunch of flowers and a bag in her hands.
Ludmila. Katiusha! (She comes up, kisses her on the cheek. Sees the pail.) The fountain of tears again! Pure Bakhchisarai!
Katia. Not so pure, I should say.
Ludmila.Everything’s rotted through in forty years. I’ll go upstairs to Lionia’s.
Katia. It’s useless. I did. The frontier’s under lock and key.
Ludmila. It’s overflowing! (She gives her flowers and bag to Katia, takes the pail and goes out, shouting from thekitchen.)Where’s dad?
Katia. Search me. He wasn’t in when I came.
Ludmila. (returns to the room with the empty pail, puts it back.) He must have gone to the store, I asked him to buy a tin of peas. I’ll make Russian salad—your favourite. (Takes her bag from Katia, goes to the kitchen.)
Katia. Whose birthday is it?
Ludmila.The revolution’s. I mean, reconciliation’s. What does it matter how you call it? We’ll just have a meal together, like in the old days.
Katia puts the flowers on the table and goes on with her packing. Ludmila comes out of the kitchen carrying plates, puts them on the table.
Ludmila. You’ve packed already? Please wait for your father, we’ll sit together for a while.
Katia. Okay.
Ludmila. What colour is this?
Katia. (runs her hand over her hair.) Red amber.
Ludmila. What was it last time?
Katia. Cherry.
Ludmila. Rotten? No, amber’s better. Maybe I should try, too.
Katia. You were going to try the cherry, too. You won’t dare, anyway.
Ludmila. No, I won’t. I am afraid I’d forget which colour is the real one, like our chemistry teacher.
Katia. The one that’s nicknamed Alkali?
Ludmila. And what do they call me behind my back?
Katia. You know it yourself. To be brief, if you don’t dye your hair for a month you’ll remember. Or you could have your hair trimmed in a different way… Rearrange your furniture…
Ludmila. To change the order of items doesn’t change the total. Thirty meters won’t become spacious.
Katia. But you can’t live like this! In this can, with the furniture placed once for all! According to the school time- table. And every year explain to young idiots who is Nastasia Philippovna and why Raskolnikov is a superfluous man.
Ludmila. It was the old woman who turned out to be superfluous. Together with Pechorin…And they aren’t idiots, far from it…
Katia. Aren’t they? Who else would bring flowers to schoolteachers nowadays? Doctors put notices in their consulting rooms: “Physicians don’t drink flowers or chocolates!” You should write on your blackboard: “Teachers aren’t bees, they don’t feed on flowers!”
Ludmila. Is this what you think when you are given flowers?
Katia. Of course! When there’s nothing but mustard and vinegar in the house, and just enough money for the bus fare, you take the curtain call and they bring flowers on the stage! They’d better give me a salami… (dreamily) or a cheese…
Ludmila. An actor, like an artist, should be hungry.
Katia. It’s a communist idea, so as not to pay people.
Enter Victor. He takes off his jacket and knitted cap.
Victor. Hi, girls! Bickering? Beastly weather!
Katia. Grandma used to say: like power, like weather.
Victor. Katia, what has power to do with it? (He sees the pail.) Dripping, is it?
Katia. As usual, it’s leaking from Lionia’s.
Ludmila. Vitia, have you bought the peas?
Victor. Oh, sorry, Luda, I forgot. We’ll eat the salad without them.
Ludmila. All right… Let us lay the table. Katia, give me a hand.
Ludmila goes to the kitchen. Katia and her father move the table from its place by the wall to the middle of the room.
Katia (looks up). But it’s dripping here!
Victor lifts the receiver, dials.
Victor. Hello! Lionia? It’s Victor. (A pause.) Lionia, your pipe gives me chronic pain… in the ass. Come and see! (A pause.) I don’t want you to whitewash! Once in every two weeks! It stinks to high heaven. We have to sleep in the kitchen. (A pause.) Lionia, it’s enough to make a cat laugh! (A pause.) What about moral compensation? What? A litre for a litre? Only if it’s cognac. (Hangs up.)
Katia. So where shall we move the table?
Together they move the table to the middle of the room.
Victor. Watch where it drips. (He takes a crystal vase out of the cupboard.)
Katia. Here (shows a spot on the table).
Victor. Perfect (puts the vase there).
Ludmila (cries from the kitchen). Vitia, put the flowers in the water!
Victor. I have. (He puts the flowers in the vase where drops of water are falling.) I hope the water is pure.
Katia. Running and filtered.
Ludmila comes in and puts a bowl of Russian salad on the table.
Ludmila. What’s the matter with him?
Victor. The usual
Ludmila. Vitia, bring the meat jelly.
Victor. Is there any horse radish sauce? Because someone may come and make the inevitable joke about horse.
Ludmila. I’ve heard these jokes a good half of my life. By the way, why is there a rubbish bag in the corridor? It’s no good as an air freshener.
Victor. What do you mean, in the corridor? I threw it away! (He goes to the corridor, returns with a package in his hands.) Shit! What did I throw out?
Ludmila. Where is my bag with the copybooks?
Victor. Aren’t your pupils lucky! Give them all excellent marks.
Ludmila. Go downstairs immediately! Look till you find them and don’t come back without them!
Victor goes out. Ludmila wipes the glasses and puts them on the table.
Katia. Has Lionia changed his schedule? He used to leak once in every three months. Now it’s once a month. In any normal country he’d be sued for damages and he’d pay for all the neighbours repairs down to the ground floor.
Ludmila. It’s because neighbours are accidental there. And here we aren’t strangers. We’ve been together for years. Moreover, this house…
Katia. I know, I know. Pavlov house, heroic defense, historic victory… Grandpa used to tell it to me as a bedtime story, instead of a fairy-tale. So I am in the know.
Ludmila. Why are you so wicked?
Katia. I am not. Only, our family legends smell of moth-balls.
The phone rings. Katia answers.
Katia. Hello! What? (A pause.) What mushrooms? Mush off, you fungus! (Hangs up.) Ward № six…
Ludmila. Who was that?
The phone rings again, Ludmila answers.
Ludmila. Yes… You are mistaken, mister. Nobody is insulting you. What number have you dialed? (A pause.) Where? (Apause.) There must be a mistake in the ad. And don’t call again (hangs up).
Enter Victor with a pack of copybooks in his hands.
Victor. Your pupils are out of luck. The rubbish hasn’t been collected yet. When I was digging in the rubbish bin I looked up and –just my luck—there was Grandma Stalia stuck to her window. She almost broke the glass out. And if that wasn’t enough, that colonel from the second floor, what- d’you–call-him, comes out of the gate and says to me: “You didn’t like the Communists, did you? And now you are searching in the rubbish bin! Intelligentsia…”
Ludmila. Vitia, someone just phoned. It wasn’t a wrong number. He asked how much was a mushroom spawn.
Victor. You see, Luda, this company recruited people to answer the phone and take orders. I agreed and gave our phone number. But they didn’t pay any advance salary, and I refused to go on. Was I wrong?
Ludmila. You were right! Good for you!
Katia. Advance payment is bad for a person, but its absence is even worse.
Ludmila. Now you’ll answer all the calls without being paid. Till the mushroomers grow tired.
Victor. Okay. They’ll phone for a week and give it up. Well, shall we sit down?
They sit down to their meal. Victor opens a bottle of vodka, pours a small glass for everyone. The doorbell rings. Ludmila goes to answer the door and returns with an old lady who is carrying a plate in front of herself.
Victor. Come in, Stalina Petrovna!
Katia. Hi, Grandma Stalin!
Stalina Petrovna. Hello! I am bringing you some patties.
Katia. Has anybody died?
Ludmila. Katia!
Katia gets up from the table, takes a player from her bag, puts on the earphones, sits down in an armchair and closes her eyes.
Ludmila. Don’t pay attention, she is studying her English for tomorrow’s exam.
Victor. Won’t you sit down, Aunt Stalia. Let us celebrate the red-letter day. What’s the stuffing?
Stalina Petrovna. Mushrooms.
Victor. Thank you, I’ll have some later.
Stalina Petrovna. Come on, Vitia, the mushrooms are quite good, I’ve bought them at the store.
Ludmila. He has some problems with his stomach. Katia and I will eat your patties, thank you very much. Do sit down.
Stalina Petrovna. Ludochka! My old man and I received our pension yesterday. Would you like me to lend you some money? Don’t be shy…
Ludmila (laughs). Thank you! We’re quite all right. Vitia threw away a wrong parcel, that’s all.
Stalina Petrovna. I see… I’d better go, my old man is waiting. We’re going to celebrate, too. Ludochka, are you watching this show? I forget what it’s called… The heroes of our time? The actors live on a desert island, walk about naked, eat worms…
Ludmila. I am so busy with my classes, I don’t watch TV at all.
Stalina Petrovna. What a pity. We missed it today. I wanted to know who was thrown out.
Katia (without taking off her earphones or opening her eyes). Vika.
Stalina Petrovna. Thank you, Katiusha! I’d better go and tell my old man, because he’s worrying. He is Natasha’s fan. You know, this little red-head.
Exit. Ludmila accompanies her to the door, returns, sits down at the table.
Ludmila. Katia, how many times must I blush for you?
Katia. Why did the child of the cult come?
Ludmila. Cut out this nonsense. It’s not nice. Do you know the kind of life she had? Even her name didn’t help her.
Katia. Raskolnikov was a smart fellow. I realize it every time I walk to the front door past these piranhas on their bench.
Ludmila. You walk to our front door once a month. And it’s dark when you do. (She raises her glass.) Well, here’s to the holiday!
Victor. Stop, girls! Don’t eat! (Goes to the kitchen, comes back with a tin of red caviar.)
Ludmila. Caviar? Where from?
Victor. A—special ration, B—mail order, C—bought at the black market, D—a bribe.
Ludmila. Help from the audience.
Katia. You’ve found it in the dust bin.
Victor. This is the correct answer! Well, here’s to revolution! May the upper classes be able and the lower classes willing!
Ludmila. That’s counter-revolution.
Victor. Then here’s to evolution!
They drink up.
Ludmila. Katia, have some salad.
Victor. Russian salad isn’t just a name. It’s a symbol of developed socialism. As vegetable salad is a symbol of underdeveloped socialism.
Ludmila. You are confusing history with cookery.
Victor. I am not. What was Venichka Erofeev’s testament? Anything is allowed except a mistake in the recipe! Sveta, Lionia’s wife, has taken to using maize instead of peas for her Russian salad. It’s blasphemy!
Ludmila. Then why did you forget to buy green peas, you theorizer?
The phone rings. Victor lifts the receiver.
Victor. Hello! Hello! I am listening! Speak! (He waits for a while, then hangs up.) They’re silent.
There is a pause.
Victor (looks at Ludmila). Suspiciously silent.
Ludmila. How so?
Victor. They’re breathing. With expression.
Suddenly Katia yelps.
Ludmila. What’s the matter?
Katia. It’s dripping inside my collar ( looks upwards).
Victor. And into my glass. That’s the limit.
The phone rings again.
Victor. Hello! Lionia, what’s the matter? (A pause.) Did you call just now? (A pause.) All right, I am coming! (Hangs up.) I’ll go upstairs and give a hand to Lionia, he’s flooded.
Ludmila. Was it he who called?
Victor. Are there other versions?
Katia. Help from the audience.
Victor stands up, goes out.
Ludmila. Katia, have some sprats.
Katia. Mum, I must be off.
Ludmila. Stay a little.
Katia. I start work early tomorrow. We’re having an inventory. And there’s a rehearsal in the evening. (She gets up from the table, takes the bag she has packed.) I wanted to take a saucepan, the large one with red dots…
Ludmila. Yes, of course. (Goes out to the kitchen, comes back with a saucepan.)
Katia (crams the saucepan into her bag). Slavka likes pelmeni, and we’ve got only one small saucepan. There isn’t enough room for pelmeni in it.
Ludmila. When will you bring him to meet us?
Katia. We’ve barely met ourselves… Well, okay, I’m off…(kisses Ludmila on the cheek and exits).
Ludmila walks about the room, takes her cigarettes from her handbag, lights one, looks at the ceiling, lifts the receiver, dials.
Ludmila. Hello! (A pause.) Hello, how are you? (A pause.) No, nothing happened. There was a phone call… It wasn’t you?.. I see… Merry holiday! (Laughs.) Which would you like? You aren’t celebrating? (A pause.) And we’ve had a bit of a party. (Apause.) No, I am telling you, everything’s okay. What can change in our family? Homes where soup is cooked every day are the last to break. (A pause. A door is heard banging.) All right, kiss you (hangs up).
Enter Victor.
Victor. And where’s Katia?
Ludmila. Gone to her family.
Victor sits down to the table, pours some vodka for himself and for Ludmila, raises his glass.
Victor. Well, what shall we drink to?
Ludmila shrugs and drinks in silence.
Victor. As you wish (drinks).
The doorbell rings.
Victor. Katia’s forgotten something again!
Ludmila goes to open the door, returns with a middle-aged man dressed in an elegant leather jacket and a suit, with a folder in his hands.
Ludmila. Vitia, it’s for you.
The man. Victor Alexandrovich? How do you do? My name is Vitaly Sergeevich, Atlantis Company.
Victor stands up, they shake hands.
Vitaly (glancing at the table). Merry holiday! Sorry to intrude…
Victor. It’s all right. Will you sit down?
Vitaly. No, thank you, I’d rather stand.
Ludmila. Please sit down!
Vitaly. You see, there’s a sign: one shouldn’t sit down before a deal is closed. So I’d better stand, if you don’t mind.
Ludmila. I do! A guest shouldn’t stand in a house where there’s a marriageable daughter. So…
Vitaly. Marriageable? (Takes out his pad, leafs through.)
Victor. Do sit down! There’s no conversation when you are standing. Sit down to the table. Will you have a little vodka?
Vitaly. No, thank you, I don’t drink.
Victor. You don’t? Where were you born?
Vitaly. In Bukhara.
Victor. Oh, then it’s all right.
Vitaly takes a seat at the table, Ludmila puts a plate in front of him and goes to the kitchen. Victor pours himself a vodka.