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De-Stressing Your Relationship(s)
Mindset:
Stress is Optional – Until you believe you can do something about your stress, you won’t.
Key Points About Stress
Definition: Stress is a reaction that commonly occurs when your current situation doesn’t match your ideal version of the situation.
You can control it:Stress is a reaction, you can control your reactions, therefore stress is optional. You’ve been in the habit of reacting a certain way; it’s time to develop a new one.
No matter the situation, the best response is never to "stress out."
The FourDiffusers of Stress:
- Take actions towards ideal – What’s working for me in this situation?
What else could I do?
What worked before? How can it again?
- Detach from ideal – Why is my situation good without this?
Focus on what you have, not what you don’t.
Stop thinking about yourself, start thinking of others.
Ask yourself how big a deal this will be in 10 years.
- Identify similarities – How have I or others handled similar things?
- Pick your mood/attitude – How would I like to feel or react?
Stress-less Exercises
Square Breathing:
- Breathe inward for 3 seconds – start with bottom of stomach
- Hold for 3 seconds
- Breathe outward for 3 seconds – start with top of chest
- Hold for 3 seconds
- Repeat – holding for 5 then 7 seconds
Body Stretch:
- Tighten your muscles (jaw, neck, shoulders, stomach, hands, etc) for 5 seconds
- Stretch your muscles in the opposite pose for 5 seconds
H.A.L.T.S. Check-in: Are you -
- Hungry
- Angry
- Lonely
- Tired
- Stressed
The Typical Cycle of Dealing with Difficult People
When dealing with “bothersome” people or situations, this is the three-step sequence typically taken:
1. Avoid or cut them out from your life – This throws out the good times with the bad, is difficult to pull off in many circumstances, and takes a lot of maintenance.
When that isn't desired or doesn't work ...
2. Try to change their behavior – Another person's behavior is out of your control. You can (and should) voice your feelings in a manner that will bring about understanding but there's no guarantee that they will change and, if so, for how long.
When that doesn't work ...
3. Hold a grudge, complain, get angry, bitter and spiteful – We tend to dwell in this step long after the incident and end up harming ourselves mentally, physically and spiritually.
Most people then cycle between #2 and #3 until figuring out how to make #1 plausible. But there is a fourth option:
4. No longer see their behavior as “bothersome” – The world is filled with people making requests of others to change their behavior “just a bit.” Those tiny adjustments add up. Think of all the requests being made upon you to change. Wouldn’t you prefer it if people could accept you as you were? They have the same preference. Honor it.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation -
we are challenged to change ourselves.” - Viktor E. Frankl
Yes, it is possible to accept the “bothersome” person or situation. Your feelings about them are completely in your hands. Plus, this response can be applied to similar people and situations with little or no extra effort!
If you responded in a better way in the past, have seen others do so, even if all you can do is envision another way of responding, then you know that being stressed is your choice. And, if it’s your choice, that makes it optional. You can choose not to stress out!
Why create the atmosphere of battle when you can create one of teamwork?
In general, everyone is doing their best. Let’s make it easier for them to do so.Suggestions to creating a cooperative environment:
Be cool likeFonzie:
People generally don't like to be yelled at. Even if what you're going through is a matter of life and death just say in a calm tone, "I need you to know that this matter is not only urgent, but critical. I'd greatly appreciate it if you gave me your full attention and use every resource available to fix this matter as quickly as possible." Everyone respects theperson who can keep their cool under pressure.
The Platinum Rule:
Do unto others as they would want done to them.The other person isn’t you. Maybe they have a different take on how they’d like things to be. Find out what it is and give them to it. Tell them you’d like the same in return (hopefully they’re on board with that).
Don't rely on telepathy:
Mind-reading is a tenuous skillat best. On issues of importance make sure to communicateopenly, and confirm that what you are saying is what isbeing heard by having them paraphrase your situation back to you. (Takes extra steps, but it works)
It's true that your ideal support person may not be ableto help you, but you have to find out the old-fashionedway - talking with them.
Shift the focus from what you want, to what the otherperson wants, and come up with similarities.
Ask them,"What would help you out the most right now?" Get them inthe frame of mind that the person they're talking to is notupset with them.
Once you take the time to discover what the other person wants you can find similarities to your own viewpoint. That common ground is the basis for diplomacy:
"The art of letting someone else have your way." - (American Proverb)
The Biggest Insult in a Relationship:
Respect is of the utmost importance in any relationship. You must see value and feel appreciation for your partner. One such way that frequently gets overlooked is the other’s ability to handle your perspective of the situation. Failing to recognize their strength and capability of handling what you want to say is disrespectful and extends resentment and miscommunication.
How would you feel if someone told you, “I have something very important to say about our relationship, but you’d crumble and become a permanent wreck if I shared it with you?” Sometimes your silence implies just that.
“Treat people as if they were what they ought to be,
and you will help them become what they are capable of becoming.”
- Johan Wolfgang Von Goethe
Presented by: Zohar Adner of Stop Stressing 212-673-1942
Zohar Adner © 2011
Book: The Gift of Stress: How to Act on the Urgent Message That’s Trying to Save Your Life