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Alternative Aggression:

A Guidebook for Girls, Parents, and Educators

Table of Contents:

Introduction / iii
Negative Portrait of a 9th Grade Girl / 1
Positive Portrait of a 9th Grade Girl / 6
Behaviors: What to Watch For / 10
What Parents Can Do / 13
Alternative Aggression Checklist for Students / 16
Incident Sheet for Guidance Counselors / 19
Lesson Plans for Educators / 27
Resources for Consultation / 42

Introduction

What follows is information for students, parents, teachers, guidance counselors, and other school personnel in regard to girls and alternative aggression. It is in no way a comprehensive manual, but a handbook of tips, advice, lesson plans, and guides to be used in the cases of girls and alternative aggression. What follows is not a one-size fits all solution, but can be tailored to fit the individual need of the user. It is based on a compilation of research of books on bullying and alternative aggression and journal articles in the field of education and psychology. Additional resources for further consultation may be found at the end of this handbook.

As the epidemic of alternative aggression is being brought forth in the spotlight because of increased media attention, more research is being conducted in this field. New literature on the topic is being published and older books on traditional bullying are being updated to include a section on girls and alternative aggression. With this new awareness, it is now important for schools and communities to recognize the seriousness of girls and alternative aggression.

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Negative Portrait of a 9th Grade Girl

This is a portrait of what a girl may look like if she has been subjected to alternative aggressions during her middle school years. Not all girls who experience alternative aggression will show these signs, just as not all girls who show these signs necessarily will have experienced alternative aggression. It is intended to point out behaviors and actions that may be the result of alternative aggression. This is a fictionalized account and is not modeled after any specific girl; it is a reflection of behaviors pointed out by researchers.


Sarah is a fourteen-year-old girl who is about to enter high school. She has spent all summer worrying about the first day of school and wonders if high school will be just as distressing as middle school was. She is not excited to go to school and has spent the past few days locked in her room not trying to think about the next four years of school. She hopes that they are not like the last four years.

She debates what to wear on the first day. She really doesn’t care about her looks or her appearance, but she feels as if she’s caught in a tug-of-war between herself and her peers at school on this issue. Two scenarios present themselves that morning. In the first scenario, she would go to school in whatever she feels comfortable in – jeans, a t-shirt, sweatpants, sneakers, a sweater, or anything that happens to be on the floor or easily located in the closet. She may or may not wear any make-up and may or may not take time to style her hair. She wants to be at ease and if she’s anxious or depressed her physical appearance may reflect this.

In the second scenario, Sarah bases her appearance on what the other girls in school think is “acceptable” to wear, what she thinks will impress people, or anything she thinks she can wear without being teased and taunted. She may spend a lot of time the morning of the first day of school doing her hair and carefully applying her make-up. She may get dressed in one outfit and have one hair style and then abruptly change it. The waffling over outfit choice and appearance is something out of character for her. However, she sees high school as a new opportunity not to be made fun of or excluded. In her mind, she wants to look confident so she’s not the target of the other girls’ taunts and teasing.

In either scenario it is clear that Sarah is uncomfortable and anxious about going to school. If she has a nervous habit, such as nail biting, it has been escalating as the first day of school approaches quickly. Every morning is similar to war; getting up and getting ready for school is a battle. Her parents beg and plead for her to get up and go to school. She may argue or just be quiet, refusing to respond and refusing to go to school. As the year goes on it may possibly get worse.

Sarah doesn’t say much at school and pretty much keeps to herself while she’s there. She has no positive relationships with other girls her age and, if she did, she feels that she couldn’t possible confide in anyone for fear of her insecurities being broadcast throughout the school and community. If she does find herself in a group, Sarah will go along with the majority opinion to save herself from embarrassment. She also makes her decisions based on how she will look in others’ eyes. If she thinks smoking and drinking will help her gain the friendship of a certain group of people at school, she’ll start smoking and drinking so she can fit in with that group. If the other girls in her class are going out to the movies or to the mall with boys, she’ll try to copy this behavior too. She may not have the self-esteem to ask out a boy, but she finds herself propelled into a world of boy/girl relationships and feels she needs to be in one of these relationships to be accepted. On the other hand, she may find herself with a boy who talks down to her, hits her, or pressures her to do things she isn’t ready for, like having sex.

As the school year goes on, it is clear that Sarah is depressed, and she overreacts to simple signs of concern from her parents, for example when they ask her about a particular friend or how her day at school was. She starts to hang around the house instead of going out, but she doesn’t necessarily want to be around her family. She feels that no adults know what she is going through, and she does not have a trusted adult to turn to. She may also feel as if no adult could or will want to help her if she seeks help. She avoids or does not participate willingly in extra-curricular activities and takes no interest in activities outside school, even if these were things that brought her pleasure in the past. Sarah begins skipping school. She may fake an illness or she may seem as if she is going to school, but she does not go into the building. Her grades are fluctuating. More bad grades are present where good ones were, and she may have had a recent discipline problem in school such as cutting class, smoking in school, or talking back to a teacher. These behaviors are unexpected at first, but then they may become routine as the school year goes on.

To her parents, Sarah looks like a moody teenager. She’s happy one day and the next she’s miserable. Her parents don’t see her friends around, and her parents have stopped asking about her friends because every time they do Sarah gets into an argument with her parents. They may think she needs help, but her parents may also be waiting for her to ask for it.

To her teachers, Sarah’s behavior in class usually is not a problem. However, she may be quiet in class but may have sudden outbursts and argues with the teacher or other students. She’s reluctant to work in groups and her work isn’t always done. Her teachers see that her grades were decent in the previous years and may write off her plummeting grades as an adjustment to high school life.

To the other girls in her class, Sarah is a target for their gossip and an instrument to be played in order to get something from someone else or for their own satisfaction. They’ll gossip about her “weird” (i.e.: being either too vocal or too quiet in class, knowing all the answers the teacher asks) behavior in class, her lack of social skills and, in their opinion, fashion sense. On the other hand, they may be nice to her for days and then suddenly exclude her from the group. This may be a reoccurring situation throughout the year. Even though she knows she’ll eventually be teased, taunted, and shunned by these girls, Sarah is pulled back to them because of their initial acceptance. It is that acceptance that she constantly craves.

In the end, Sarah is constantly upset, depressed, and anxious. She thinks she is the only one going through this and that she’s being punished for something she may have done. She knows she is unhappy and she may even be aware enough to know that the girls in school have specifically picked her as a target. She hates her life, feels like it is worthless, and may wish to end it.

Positive Portrait of a 9th Grade Girl

This is a portrait of what a girl may look like if she has avoided or coped with alternative aggressions through her middle school years. This is not intended to paint a picture of what the perfect 9th grade girl will look like, but it is to be used as a contrast to the negative portrait of the 9th grade girl.


Faith is a fourteen-year-old girl who is about to enter high school. She is nervous about her new journey in life, but she’s excited to see her old friends and make some new ones. She has a positive outlook for her high school years, even if her middle school years were rough for her socially. She has spent the last days of summer organizing her purse and book bag and getting everything in order for the first day of school. She is confident and ready to start the next chapter in her life.

Faith has her own sense of style when it comes to her appearance. She doesn’t wear clothes or make-up to impress other people or because other people do. She may follow the latest fashion trends, but it is because she wants to and it does not bother her if she’s not “in style” with everybody else. She is comfortable in her own clothes, and she is comfortable in her own skin.

She may or may not be surrounded by a large group of people at school, but in either case, Faith has one or two close friendships with either a girl or a boy her age. This person is her trusted confidante who she can turn to if she needs help or someone to confide in. Faith gets along well with her classmates and she knows she doesn’t have to impress anyone. If other girls her age are beginning to go out in groups with boys or going to the movies or a restaurant alone with a boy, she’ll do these things on her own time. She won’t rush into a relationship because others are, just as she won’t be drinking, smoking, or having sex because other people around her are. She expects to be treated with respect in her platonic and romantic relationships; she treats others with respect, and she knows what to do if she’s not being treated with respect.

Faith talks with her parents on a daily basis about school, her friends, and what is going on in her life. She may have an active social life, but she does not let family obligations slide by. She may be involved in extra-curricular activities that bring her pleasure, such as soccer, tennis, music lessons, dance, or art classes. She may have the opportunity to socialize with other people whom she does not go to school with at these activities.

She knows she can trust her parents and people in the community if she has a problem and feels secure enough to seek help when she needs it. Faith is a teenager, so her life isn’t always perfect. She can handle disappointment, such as a broken date, not winning a contest, or not getting perfect grades. If she fights with her parents, she knows enough to calm down, apologize, and then seek their guidance. She is mature enough to let her friends know that they are disappointing her or doing something that is hurting her feelings.

In school, Faith is a good student. She applies herself and studies. She works to the best of her ability. She is respectful and courteous to the teachers and to others in her classes. Her academic work and behavior in school were never a problem and remain so. To the other girls in class, Faith is seen as a friend, someone they can trust and turn to if they have a problem. She is rarely the subject of gossip and is included in the plans in her circle of friends.

In the end, Faith is a happy teenager. There may pimples, rejection, and too much homework in her life, but she can manage and cope with these things. She knows whom she can turn to if she needs help, how to find an outlet for her frustration, and how to manage her disappointment. She enjoys her life and feels like it is worth living.


Behaviors: What to Watch For

Alternative aggression is an alternative to physical aggression (or traditional bullying) and it is more covert than physical aggression. It combines relational aggression, indirect aggression, and social aggression. Spreading rumors, excluding someone from a group, teasing through note passing, sending harassing text messages, and sending hurtful e-mails are examples of alternative aggressions. These behaviors often occur away from adults or are hidden from adults. Alternatively, the behaviors occur out in the open but are brushed off by adults as girls being girls.

True, alternative aggressions are usually covert and committed on the sly, but they don’t suddenly pop up. Girls may begin exhibiting signs of being a victim of alternative aggressions long before they decide to tell an adult. Parents, teachers, and other friends may notice these signs in victims, and they should be taken seriously.

1.  At School:

a.  School is a source of dread and anxiety for her. She may get visibly upset and/or sick at school and thinks she may need to come home.

b.  She may be skipping school either deceptively (she looks as though she is going, but she’s going somewhere else) or by playing sick.

c.  She may “miss” the bus or delay walking to school so she misses the bus or so someone has to drive her to school.