Humorous
Secular songs adapted
Created by: / James Jack & Cameron Smith
Number of speaking parts: / 8 - 14
Duration: / Medium
Includes: / Musical retelling
A Christmas Musical
By James Jack and Cameron Smith
Summary
A humorous retelling of the Christmas story in a musical format, told through the rewriting a collection of secular Christmas songs to have a Christian message.
Setting: Jerusalem, 5-4 B.C.
Characters:
(NB: This was originally written for a kid's club/Sunday school group to perform, with a leader taking the part of narrator.)
Narrator
Mary
Gabriel (angel)
Innkeeper
Joseph
Shepherds (as many as you like, but there's 5 mentioned in the final song)
Angel
Wise men (6 is the suggested number)
Script
Narrator: Mary, the young lass who was meant to be marrying Joseph in a little while, was just going about her business one day, when suddenly an angel of God appeared to her. She was afraid, because angels didn't appear to her very often. But the angel knew what she was feeling, so he sang a song to her, as you do:
Gabriel: (to the tune of Santa Clause is coming to town)
You better not scream, you better not cry
You better not faint,
I'm telling you why:
The Son of God is coming to town.
You'll give birth to him shortly,
Though you've been with no man
He'll be king of the world for good
And that's his Father's plan.
So, you better not shriek, you better not die,
You better not puke,
This isn't a lie;
The Son of God is coming to town.
Narrator: Then the angel Gabriel left her, but he had put Mary in a bit of singing mood.
Mary: ('Santa Clause is coming to town')
I guess I should praise, I shouldn't be shy
My child is the Lord
And that's no small fry.
The Son of God is coming to town.
Narrator: Of course, nothing goes according to plan, and it just so happened that Mary and Jo had to travel to Joseph's home town of Bethlehem for the Census. Some time later, they arrived late at night, with a very pregnant Mary. They go from inn to inn, but everywhere they go, bright neon lights seem to flash No Vacancy. It was at this point that they just happened to bump into an all singing, all dancing innkeeper.
You know the story of Mary and Joseph and the shepherds and the wise guys,
But do you recall the most important story of them all?
Innkeeper: (To the tune of 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer')
Gerald the innkeeper
Had a very tiny inn
And if you ever saw it,
You'd know it was made of tin
Mary and Joseph came here
So that they could spend a night
But everything was taken
There wasn't a room in sight!
Then a light bulb came to mind,
I just had to say:
Mary with your baby due
Won't you sleep next to poo?
I have a stable empty\tab
You could sleep there for the night
Give birth in the morning,
And leave at first light!
Narrator: After being generously offered the stable to sleep, and after negotiating the cows, sheep, camels, llamas and other denizens of the farmyard, Mary gives birth to a child. But this was no ordinary child - no, the child did not sing, but his parents did!
M & J: (to the tune of 'Oh Christmas Tree')
Almighty God, almighty God,
We thank you for our Saviour.
Almighty God, almighty God,
We thank you for our Saviour
Though now he lies
Here in this trough
And this manure
Its smell is off;
Almighty God, almighty God
We thank you for our Saviour.
Narrator: Meanwhile, (to 'High on a Hill' from the Sound of Music)
High on a hill were some lonely shepherds
Yo delay, yo etc
Some angels came to tell them some news
Yo delay, yo delee, etc -
Shepherds: But that's not even a Christmas song!
Narrator: - But everyone else gets to sing! I was missing out, and I just felt like joining in! Fine then! The angels, though, (bitter tone) they of course broke into song 'cos everyone except the Narrator gets to sing...
Angel: (to the tune of 'Jingle Bells')
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ,
The Messiah is here.
Oh what great news this is,
Just grab another beer (repeat)
Dashing to the town
It's where you should be now
Hurry! Don't you frown.
He was born with a cow
These are wondrous words
Which I say this night
Even to you nerds
When you're in such a fright!
Oh!.
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ,
The Messiah is here.
Oh what great news this is,
Just grab another beer
Narrator: - So after grabbing another beer, these Nerdy shepherds could not help themselves, but had to sing, sing, sing- (To 'Climb Every Mountain')
Climb every hillside
Watch every sheep
Follow every prime lamb
till you fall asleep!
Shepherd: That's still not a Christmas carol! (to the tune of 'Frosty the Snowman')
Jesus the Saviour is a baby boy they said
He was born in a barn with a few cows
And a manger for his bed
Jesus the Saviour will do more than just cry!
God sent him to this world to
forgive our sins and die!
Narrator - Gee, he knows an awful lot for just a shepherd! At the same time, From far off, a certain number of wise men came. There may have been three, but the information as to their precise numerality has not been divulged to us. They brought gifts of gold, incense and myrrh - perhaps a few couldn't afford presents, or felt that their presence was present enough. Maybe the long journey had eaten into their resources and some had to give joint gifts. I suspect that one or two may have felt uncomfortable about giving so much perfume to a male baby. Whatever the case, they followed a star to the house where Joseph, Mary and Jesus were staying. As with most other characters in this story, they were very musically inclined - in enthusiasm if not skill. (wise men enter carrying a carboard star and "following" it)
Wise men: (to 'Deck the halls')
We come to worship from the east!
La la, etc
Though Herod wants the boy deceased.
La, la, etc
We've found the King - to the star refer
La, la, etc
We bear good gifts of gold and myrrh.
La, la, etc
Narrator: Inspiring! Absolutely inspiring! (to 'How do you solve a problem like Maria')
How do you solve a problem like the wise men?
How do you teach 6 leaders how to sing?
They're not in time!
They don't even rhyme
They're sad!
O, how do you -
Wise Men: What is your obsession with that movie?!
Narrator: Fine then! I can take a hint! Anyway, as in all musical productions, it would be pretty pointless if we did not end with one final huge song, featuring the entire cast! SO, in the true Spirit of all such Christmas Musicals, you'll be pleased to know that Jesus was born safely into the world, the shepherds found the Baby Jesus by following his loud crying, the 6 Wise Men followed a star, and they all lived happily ever after....Or did they? Did something else happen after the first 10 minutes of Jesus' life? Why didn't God just end the story there? Why'd he have to go and kill off his own Son? And why do we sing these ridiculous songs every year? Here's one you may not be so familiar with - our grand finale!
(to the tune of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas')
All: With the birth of the Messiah, the Lord God gave to we,
One inn, but no vacancy
With the birth of the Messiah, the Lord God gave to we,
Two smelly parents,
And one inn, but no vacancy
With the birth of the Messiah, the Lord God gave to we,
Three in a shed,
Two smelly parents,
And one inn, but no vacancy.
With the birth of the Messiah, the Lord God gave to we,
Four bovines
Three in a shed
Two smelly parents
And one inn, but no vacancy.
With the birth of the Messiah, the Lord God gave to we,
Five shepherds
Four bovines
Three in a shed
Two smelly parents
And one inn, but no vacancy.
With the birth of the Messiah, the Lord God gave to we,
Six wise men
Five shepherds
Four bovines
Three in a shed
Two smelly parents
And one inn, but no vacancy.
With the birth of the Messiah, the Lord God gave to we,
Seven silly songs
Six wise men
Five shepherds
Four bovines
Three in a shed
Two smelly parents
And one inn, but no vacancy.
With the birth of the Messiah, the Lord God gave to we,
Eight pints of myrrh
Seven silly songs
Six wise men
Five shepherds
Four bovines
Three in a shed
Two smelly parents
And one inn, but no vacancy.
With the birth of the Messiah, the Lord God gave to we,
Nine months of growth
Eight pints of myrrh
Seven silly songs
Six wise men
Five shepherds
Four bovines
Three in a shed
Two smelly parents
And one inn, but no vacancy.
With the birth of the Messiah, the Lord God gave to we,
Ten bars of gold
Nine months of growth
Eight pints of myrrh
Seven silly songs
Six wise men
Five shepherds
Four bovines
Three in a shed
Two smelly parents
And one inn, but no vacancy.
With the birth of the Messiah, the Lord God gave to we,
Eleven hours of labour
Ten bars of gold
Nine months of growth
Eight pints of myrrh
Seven silly songs
Six wise men
Five shepherds
Four bovines
Three in a shed
Two smelly parents
And one inn, but no vacancy.
With the birth of the Messiah, the Lord God gave to we,
Twelve dozey sheep
Eleven hours of labour
Ten bars of gold
Nine months of growth
Eight pints of myrrh
Seven silly songs
Six wise men
Five shepherds
Four bovines
Three in a shed
Two smelly parents
And his own son, and that for free.
......
© Copyright by James Jack and Cameron Smith
All rights reserved. This play may be performed free of charge in any not-for-profit situation. However, in return the authors would appreciate being notified of any performance.