Twelfth Night Script
ACT I, i
Duke Wayne:
If music be thy food of love, play on. My breath labors with thine eyes red, swollen and teary.
Ranch Hand:
Pardon me, Duke, but that may very well just be the dust from the storm.
Duke Wayne:
Mmm. But underneath all this bulging chest hair resides an aching heart. Here, seek her out and upon her ear whisper of my agonizing affection.
Crosses stage, lights drop and one comes up on Olivia and Maid
Doorbell/knock
Ranch Hand:
I come in the name of Duke Wayne. He wishes—
Maid:
No no no no. Put a stick in your wagon spokes there, partner. Cannot you see the woman mourns the loss of her brother? She wishes to engage no one and wishes to not engage anyone. Right now she has 6 tears streaking her face.
Olivia:
Seven. Laying upon the steps stage right
Maid:
Seven tears!
She turns him around and gives a shove in the back that takes him across the stage and lights come back up on Duke Wayne
Ranch Hand:
She most kindly declines your overture of love.
Loud aching moan while clutching chest from Duke Wayne
BLACKOUT
ACT I, ii
Loud wind, horses squealing sound effect, everyone shakes, lights out, then up. Viola and Captain are laid out upon the stage with their toy horses laid down and they’re coughing up dust. Strokes horses head as if it is dead, then lays a bandana upon its eyes.
Viola:
What country, friend, is this?
Captain:
This is Guymon, Oklahoma, lady.
Okies:
Harmonica then Oklahoma!
Viola:
And what should I do in Guymon? My brother is in Norman. Perchance he is not taken away.
Captain:
It is perchance that you yourself were saved.
Viola:
O, my poor brother! And so perchance may he be.
Brooke:
Could be.
Max M:
Possibly.
Natalya:
Maybe.
Killian:
Sure.
Tanner:
NOOOOOO WAY! Did you see the size of that cloud? That guy is a goner—
All Okies:
Shhhhhh. turn and give fake smile to Viola
Dust in the Wind begins playing softly in the background
Captain:
True, madam. And, to comfort you with chance, assure yourself, after our wagon did split, when you and those poor number saved with you hung on to the grounded rocks, I saw your brother, most provident in peril, bind himself, courage and hope both teaching him the practice, to the wheel of a wagon which he rode through the funnel of air like Arion on the dolphins Okies make Dolphin talk sounds back, I saw him hold acquintance with the wind so long as I could see.
Viola:
Knowst thou this country?
Captain:
Ah, madam, well, for I was bred and born not three hours from this very place.
Viola:
Who governs here?
Captain:
A noble Duke by the name of Wayne. Duke John Duke Wayne.
Okies:
John Wayne!
Viola:
Mmmmmm Duke Wayne. I have heard my father name him. He was a bachelor then.
Captain:
And so is now.
Viola:
Really.
Exit Viola and Captain as curtains close
Killian:
Now, this poor pan of puddin has just lost her twin brother. Who she reckons is under the dirt and dead.
Tanner:
He’s dead! Noooo! Noooooo! Exagerated sob
Natalya:
But he really aint.
Tanner:
He’s ALIVE! My babys alive!
Caroline:
He’s not your baby.
Natalya:
Now she plans to get a job working as Duke Wayne’s right hand ranch hand.
Brooke B:
But to do this shes gotta make herself up as a dude. A dude who will be a spitting image of her twin brother.
Caroline:
But the question arises: just how do you become a bonafide dude?
Re-enter Viola from curtain
Killian:
Now that’s a dude.
Tanner:
More or less.
ACT I, v
Curtains open
Fool:
Good lady, why mournest thou?
Olivia:
Good fool, for my brothers death.
Fool:
I think his soul is in hell, lady.
Olivia:
Uggh! I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
Fool:
The more fool, to mourn for your brother’s soul being in heaven. Take away the fool gentlemen.
Olivia:
What think you of this fool, Malvolio? Doth he not mend?
Malvolio:
Mmmmmmmmm.Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him. Infirmity, that decays the wise. Doth ever make the better fool.
Fool:
God send you , sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox, but he will not bypass his word for two pence that you are no fool.
Malvolio:
I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal. I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone.
Malvolio exits, Maria enters
Maria:
Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman who much desires to speak with you.
Olivia:
From Duke Wayne, is it?
Maria:
I don’t know, madam. Tis a fair young man, and well attended.
Olivia:
Who of my people hold him in delay?
Maria:
Toby, your unc—
Belch sound effect interupts. Everyone looks out to the audience with frozen shocked faces.
Toby:
Such a stiff dusty wind that my briches blew right off and I had to wear a flowered nightgown to the hoedown. Had I had glue on my manly body, you’d probably be looking at 60 grit sandpaper. OR I brush my teeth once a month whether they need it or not.
Cut back to Maria and Olivia, they unfreeze
Olivia:
Fetch him off, I pray you. He speaks nothing but madman.
What is he at the gate, uncle?
Toby:
A dude.
Olivia:
A dude. What dude?
Toby:
Tis a dude here. Falls asleep and mumbles Probably from a dude ranch.
Olivia:
Uncle, uncle how have you come so early by this lethargy?
Enter Malvolio
Malvolio:
Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you were sick. He takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with you. I told him you were asleep. He seems to have foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, lady? He’s fortified against any denial.
Olivia:
What kind o’ man is he?
Malvolio:
Why, of mankind.
Olivia:
What manner of man?
Malvolio:
Of very ill manner.
Olivia:
Of what personage and years is he?
Malvolio:
Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy…. He is very well-favored, and he speaks very shrewishly. One would think his mother’s milk were barely out of him.
Olivia:
Let him approach.
Viola:
The honroable lady of the house, which is she?
Olivia:
Speak to me. I shall answer for her. Your will?
Viola:
Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty – I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her. I would be loath to cast away my speech, for besides that it is excellently well penned. I have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn. I am very comptible, even to the least sinister usage.
Olivia:
Whence came you, sir?
Viola:
I can say little more than I have studied, and that’s a question out of my part.
Olivia:
Come to what is important in it. Aside in which everyone freezes but Olivia Timeout. Ooooo I like him. Great stashe. touches them Nice boots. Ring supper triangle, everyone unfreezes
Viola:
Alas. I took great pains to study it.
Olivia:
Study what?
Viola:
My speech.
Olivia:
Oh yeah that. I would assume that speech were probably best studied under candlelight.
Lights drop, sound effect of match lighting. Okies speak under the candlelight
Killian:
Does she know she is hitting on a female dressed as a dude?
Max M:
Nope. Not at all. Look yonder. See thems over there. Lights up in gym corner where Sebatian and Antonio are. That’s Sebastian and Antonio. Now, Antonio is Sebastian’s friend and Sebastian is Viola’s twin brother.
ACT II, ii
Antonio:
Will you stay no longer, nor will you not that I go with you?
Sebastian:
By your patience, no. My stars shine darkly over me. The malignancy of my fate might perhaps distemper yours.
stubs toe
Antonio:
Let me yet know of you whither you are bound.
Sebastian:
My determinate voyage is mere extravagancy. O good Antonio, forgive me your trouble.
Antonio:
If you will not murder me for my love, let me be your servant.
Sebastian:
I am bound for Duke Wayne’s ranch. For your sake, do not follow. Farewell.
Sebastian exits
ACT II, iii
Magnificent Seven playing with Toby, Andrew and Fool’s hair blowing in the wind. Pat down their foreheads with their bandana.
Andrew:
Still upon horse In sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last night when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus. ‘Twas very good, i’ faith.
Fool:
I did impeticos thy gratility. My lady has a white hand and the Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.
Sir Andrew:
Excellent! Why, this is the best fooling when all is done. Now, a song.
Toby:
Come on! point in direction of sound machine
Music plays. They dance.
Maria:
For the love of God, peace! If my lady have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me.
Enter a storming Malvolio with nightgown and eye covers
Malvolio:
My masters, are you mad? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time in you?
Toby:
We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!
Malvolio:
Begin monologue but doesn’t finsih before he is escorted out Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me to tell you, that, though she harbors you as her uncle, she’s nothing allied to you disorders. -----
Maria:
Ah go and wiggle your ears!
Andrew wishes to challenge Malvolio to a duel
Andrew:
‘Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man’s hungry, to challenge him the field and then to break promise with him and make a fool of him.
Toby:
Do ‘t. I’ll write thee a challenge. Or I’ll deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.
Maria:
Sweet Toby, be patient for tonight.
Toby:
What wilt thou do?
Maria:
I will drop in his way some obscure letter of love, wherein by the shape of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find himself most feelingly personated. For, I can write very much like my lady your niece.
Toby:
He shall think, by the letter that thou wilt drop, that it came from my neice and that she’s in love with him.
Maria exits
Toby:
Good night, you amazing woman you.
ACT II, iv
Music playing silently in the background
Duke Wayne:
Come hither, boy. If ever thou shalt love, in the sweet pangs of it remember me; for such as I am, all true lovers are. Music rises in volume How dost thou like this tune?
Viola:
It gives a very echo to the seat where Love is throned.
Duke Wayne:
Thou dost speak masterly. Absorb music Thine eye hath stayd upon some favor that it loves. Hath it not, boy?
Viola:
A little, by your favor.
Duke Wayne:
What kind of woman is ‘t?
Viola:
Of your complexion.
Duke Wayne:
Ughhh! She is not worth thee, then. What years. i’ faith?
Viola:
About your years my lord.
Duke Wayne:
Too old by heaven. Let still the woman take an elder than herself. For, boy, however we do praise ourselves, our fancies are more giddy and unfirm, more longing, wavering, soooner lost and worn, than women’s are.
Viola:
I think it well, my lord.
Duke Wayne:
Then let thy love be younger than thyself, or thy affection cannot hold the bent. For women are as roses, whose fair flower being once displayed , doth fall that very hour. There beauty lasts as long as a housefly.
Viola:
And so they are. Alas, that they are so, to die even when they to perfection grow! (aside)I love him. Why do I love him? He’s such a jerk!
Lights up
Duke Wayne:
Once more, Cesario, get thee to yond some sovereign cruelty. Tell her I love her.
ACT II,v
Dueling Banjos
Maria:
He’s coming!
Toby:
He’s coming!
Fool:
He’s coming!
Andrew:
Who’s coming?
Toby, Fool, Maria:
Malvolio!
Andrew:
Oh!
Maria:
Lie thou there throwing down the letter, for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.
Toby rubs letter in amrpits.
Malvolio enters
Malvolio:
Maria once told me Olivia did affect me. And I have heard herself come thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one of my complexion.
Toby:
Look how imagination blows him.
Malvolio:
Having been three months married to her, sitting in my state—
Fool:
Oh, for a stone to hit him in the eye!
Toby:
Peace.
Malvolio:
And then to have the humor of state, and after a demure travel of regard, telling them I know my place as I would they should do theirs, to ask for my cousin Toby—
Growling from under stage
Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make out for him. I frown the while, and perchance wind up watch, or play with my—some rich jewel. Toby approaches, curtsies there to me—
Toby:
Shall this fellow live?
Malvolio:
I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar smile with an austere regard of control.
Toby:
And does not Toby take you a blow o’ the lips then?
Malvolio:
Saying, “Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on your niece give me this prerogative of speech. You must amend your drunkenness.”
Toby:
Out, scab!
Fool:
Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.
Malvolio:
“Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish knight—“
Andrew:
That’s me, I warrant you.
Malvolio:
“One Sir Andrew—“
Andrew:
I knew ‘twas I, for many do call me fool.
Malvolio:
What is this??? By my life, this be my lady’s hand.
“If this fall into thy hand, revolve, in my stars I am above thee, but be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon ‘em. She thus advises thee that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy fluffy teddy bear, diapers, and pacifier.
Signed,
She that would alter services with thee,
The Fortunate Unhappy”
My lady loves me. I will carry my teddy as a wounded comrade on the battlefields of the Balkan Peninsula. I will wear my diapers til they are fully weighted. And I will pacify my mouth most completely. Here is yet a postscript.