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The Best Man
A One Act Comedy
By Shea Christie
Cast (2 M)
Michael “Mike” Ashwell
Gregory “Greg” Donald
Time: Present
Place: Michael Ashwell’s Office /Wedding Altar.
The Best Man
Scene One
As the lights come up the stage is fully lit. The stage is set as per diagram (in back of script) after lights are up there is a beat then….
M: Morning Peggy, any mail? (Beat) No. Good. Any calls? (Beat) Oh, well I’ll get right on that. How long has the line been cut? (Beat) Oh. It’s not hooked up yet. Right. Thank you. (Mike enters from DL at the moment he has his hands full. He carries a Versace dinner jacket wrapped in dry-cleaning cellophane, leather briefcase open and overflowing with documents and several pieces of loose paper. Mike also happens to be carrying a Woman’s handbag. Mike crosses to the desk DR and deposits everything on top crossing above it to his chair – he then notices the purse. ) Oh, no! (He flips around 90 degrees rips open the window and hurls the purse out calling) Lisa, heads up! (He face sthe audience with a sore expression, to audience.) I didn’t mean it literally. (to Lisa) Have a good day. (He blows a kiss and shuts the window.) Okay, what to do … Oh, yay! My speech (He grabs briefcase and piles papers one on top of eachother until the bag is copletely empty. He begins to act rather frantically and sweeps everything from his desk on to the floor. He stares at the bare wood for a second. Then he’s right down on the ground sifting through the mess. He finally crawls through the opening in the bottom of the desk to be face to face with Gregory “Greg” Donald’s feet.)
G: The maid quit again?
M: Hi Greg. (He picks himself up and brushes off and crosses back to his chair and begins opening drawers.)
G: Ready for lunch?
(Mike stops abruptly and looks at his watch)
M: Lunch? It’s only 9:30, besides I just got in.
G: Your point?
(Mike continues his rummagging as Greg talks furtively about a date he had the previous night. During the converse Mike pulls out various articles of female apparel that distract Greg but hardly phase him.)
G: Yeah, so… I met Shelia last night. Boy, was she a pill.God everything I did was so…(Mike pulls out a thong) Thong?
M: (not looking) What ! you wrong?
G: Anyways, we get to the restaurant and right away she comes up with this (mike retrieves a stocking) Stocking?
M: (same as above) Yeah?
G: Well, we sit down and receive the Menus and right away she’s complaining about how long the line up is at – (Mike pulls Stilettos out) Stilettos?
M: God, She sounds like a heel! (Looks up) Oh Damn! (He hurriedly shoes things back in the drawer, Greg quickly dives for the teddy)
G: Does Lisa know? (Playfully teetering on his chair)
M: Of course, she knows. She’s known since last fall. (Finally loses balance and falls over)
G: (rising) Please tell me these are yours –
M: Mine, why would they be mine? They’re Lisa’s. She left them here two nights ago.
G: Does this explain the panic attack just now? I mean the boss never saw those did he?
M: You mean this (indicates the floor)
G: Yes.
M: No, I’ve lost the piece of paper my vows were written on.
G: (replacing chair and sitting) no, you haven’t.
M: I sure as hell have. I put it in my briefcase last night after dinner and now it’s gone.
(Mike exits DL and Gregory stuffs the teddy in his pocket as Mike shortly returns.)
G: As I was about to tell you. I’ve got your piece of paper here. (He pulls out a crumpled piece of foolscap)
M: What did you do?
G: Nothing. I thought being the Best man I would juice up your vows a little.
M: Juice it up? I had it the way I liked it.
G: If you must know the stuff you wrote was CRAP!
M: What exactly did you do?
G: It’s plain and simple. You have no sense of humor.
M: I’m very proud of that thank you. Now what did you do?
G: Nothing too serious. Did you want to hear it?
M: Will it get me arrested?
G: Not if you delete this paragraph (he indicates it on the page)
M: You didn’t really say that did you?
G: It may have found its way in there. Besides, it’s not far from the truth you know.
M: Greg!
G: Do you want to hear it or not?
M: Does it look like I have a choice?
(Greg moves C. A spotlight shines fading everything. Greg stands motionless a huge puddle forms under his feet. The lights rise quickly.)
M: Great Speech. Next time try and aim for the newspaper Sparky.
G: (looks down.) Oh man! (He quickly grabs the dry-cleaning bag and rips it open)
M: Greg! (Fighting to get over the desk Mike watches Greg dab the stain on his pants and wipe up the mess on the floor.)
G: I hate when that happens.
(Making a hurdle jump over the desk Mike grabs the jacket between his thumb and forefinger and throws it in the wastebasket stuffing it down with his foot.)
M: Got a match?
G: Sorry.
(Mike opens the window and hurls the basket and all contents out the window.)
M: Now give me that speech. (he reads the piece of paper …looks up.) Where is it?
G: What?
M: My speech?
(Greg grabs the paper flips it around, upside down and sideways.)
M: All you got there is Lisa’s name and “You don’t own me” I had way more than that written.
G: You mean all that mushy crap about loving forever?
M: Yes.
(Greg dry heaves, Greg exits)
M: Very funny. (After a few seconds Greg returns in a new outfit) Great to see you’re not at a loss for clothes.
G: I usually have some in my car.
M: Now you can help me with my speech.
(Greg rises)
G: Ready to dictate?
(Mike pushes him down)
M: I think not. (He tosses the pen and paper at Greg.) Are you ready?
G: Oh, All right
M: Okay (Mike begins to pace. A long pregnant but pensive thought – then:) Lisa you bring my life to life – No, scratch that. (He paces again.)
G: Need help?
M: Michael Ashwell does not need help. (Still pacing) Okay, try this – Lisa, you have brought great joy and laughter and I – No, scratch that.
G: Hurry up my arm is getting tired.
(The intercom beeps)
M: (to himself) Hello?
G: It’s the phone.
(Mikes oblivious. Greg answers.)
G: Ashwell Leibermen and Schultz…Oh its you Peggy... If the line was cut would I be talking to you? …No, he’s busy. Thank you Peggy.
M: (dictating) Ladies and Gentlemen all I want to say about Lisa is –
G: is? (He looks puzzled)
M: Is –
G: is what?
M: I don’t know. (Slumps in chair defeated.)
G: You don’t know? I thought we all ready established that point?
M: We did. Is that so hard to understand?
G: Looks like we’ll be here for a while. (picks up phone) Peggy two Java’s and a latte STAT!
M: And some wedding vows!
G: (thinking) I’ve got it. (singing) Hey Lisa, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind!
M: That’s all you got?
G: There is - (singing) Dot, Dot, what a gal I got!
M: Roy Orison, ladies and gentlemen.
G: Sue me! I don’t see you blurting anything out. (Mike still paces) You pace anymore and you’ll be in the cellar.
M: I can’t help it! I promised Lisa I would have these written by tomorrow.
G: Tomorrow! The way you’re going, you’ll be lucky if you get a sentence.
M: Unless, you write them for me.
G: I smell a rat, what do I get out of it?
M: I’ll think of that when I see the speech.
G: I can’t write your speech.
M: I know.
G: But being the Best man, I’ll do it for you anyway.
M: (giving in) Why not, it’s the only chance I got. Tomorrow we get married and if I don’t have those vows ready –
G: Wait, earlier you said you hated my sense of humor.
M: At this point you’re my only chance.
G: What about Mother Wilson?
M: What about her?
G: If she hears the vows she’ll know I’ve written them.
M: Well, your going to have to take extra special care to write jut like me.
G: Like that’s a big challenge. Let’s see (mocking) Uh… Dear Lisa - No scratch that.
M: Ha Ha funny. Does that mean you’ll do it?
G: I require a little cash up front.
M: How much?
G: A generous fee.
M: How much?
G: Fifty dollars.
M: Oh. (Hands over the money) Is it taxed deductible?
G: Of course, however, every penny you’ve lost will go toward a good stereo system for my car.
M: Why am I not surprised. Now don’t forget the wedding is at the Holy Angel of Mercy Church at two p.m.
G: Sounds like something Mother Wilson would say.
M: Get going would you.
G: I’m going.
(Greg exits. Mike returns to his mess the intercom beeps)
M: What is it Peggy? Do you have some wedding vows? ….
Blackout.
SCENE 2
Lights come up we are at the Altar of the Church it is ten minutes to two. Mike has changed into his tux but by the look of it it’s way too small. He impatiently looks from his wrist to the crowd (audience) Suddenly Greg pushes his way through the crowd stumbling up the to the altar. He’s obviously drunk and has not yet changed clothes.
M: Where the Hell have you been?
G: Did you do something different with yourself?
M: (sarcasm) I moussed my hair.
G: (grabbing a piece of mikes hair) Nope that’s not it.
M: We’re about to start where’s the speech?
G: Don’t worry I got it. (He pulls out teddy) Ohhh!
M: Give me that (grabs teddy) The speech!
G: it’s here, keep your shorts on.(finds it) Ah, here we go.
M: (relieved) Thank God! (he takes it and unfolds it reading) You ass! This is a menu from the Keg! I don’t think my bride will take it lightly when I tell her she comes with a side of fries.
G: (visibly upset) there was fries!
M: Oh, hurry up and find it.
G: Ok ok you have nothing to fear but fear itself. (He thinks on it)
M: Here comes the Priest.
G: (screaming) AHHH Hide me! (he runs off)
M: I said Priest not beast (finally calling) Go Charge! (To himself) Go! I’ve died and gone to hell.
(A beat then Greg is heard over the P.A. system.)
G: This is GOD! If there be anyone oppressed to this phony macaroni – spleak now or forevers hold your fleece.
M: I knew I should’ve had him committed.
(Greg re-enters a little more disheveled and wet.)
G: Did you know there was a water fountain in the hallway?
M: Yes.
G: Are you sure?
M: Do you have my speech?
G: Oh yes. (Hands over the paper) there you go.
(Mike takes it, reads it – He has no time to destroy it. They turn to face the Altar but greg turns to the audience and whispers)
G: You know aside from our mother and my sister, I’ve had every girl in this audience.
M: Greg!
V.O.: The vows?
M: Lisa in all the time I’ve known you, I’ve never met a more conniving, uppity ( he does a small double take then taps Greg’s shoulder. They consult with each other facing audience.) Okay, I can’t say that to her.
G: Sure you can you just say; Lisa in all the time I have known you I’ve never met a more conniving little uppity - (stops) See?
M: It’s not that easy Houdini. Besides are these true words or were you drunk when you wrote this?
G: I can’t tell ya. After about six paralyzers I couldn’t leave the couch.
M: I guess I’ll have to wing it.
G: Wing it?! No way the last time you “Winged it” was when you went parasailing and winged it right into a tree.
M: That’s when I met you.
G: That’s when we became buddies.
M: Obviously I wasn’t thinking straight. Look today is the most important day of my life. I can’t start off by saying she was a conniving and uppity little – (Greg runs down to the audience guarding them from what’s to come.)
G: Michael! Think of the Children.
V.O.: we’re waiting.
M: Just a minute.
(Greg sits in the audience and begins doing the wave.)
M: What the hell are you doing?
G: I’m starting a wave (he teeters – sits)
M: I don’t know what to do.
G: Mike –
M: What I really wanted to say to her was –
G: Mike –
M: I mean I’ve had the same feelings.
( Greg jumps up and runs out. After a beat the P.A. is back on. We hear Greg upchucking [audience members that are grossed out may leave at this point] )
M: Please don’t leave.
V.O.: Is he finished?
(Greg upchucks a little more then we hear rattling and a door close.)
M: Sounds like it.
V.O.: Well come on get on with it, this uppity shrew can’t await forever.
M: Wait a minute – Lisa is not an uppity shrew! Lisa is a great woman. Okay , so she may have an overbite like Peewee Herman and so what if her breath smells like a saint Bernard
V.O.: Oh yeah, real good ice breaker.
M: May I? As I was saying Lisa has brought more life and spunk into my world than anyone else has. She has changed my view on real whip being America’s favorite dessert topping
V.O.: Okay, you obviously forgot about the Children.
M: Would you shut up! And I must say – Lisa your parents are the most sinfully boring people I have ever met in my entire life,(to “Mother Wilson “ in audience) Mother Wilson Love you ! but that doesn’t matter because I’m not marrying them
V.O. #2: (from audience) Thank God for that.
M: I’m marrying you! I love you!
(Greg enters)
G: What did you just say?
M: I said I love her!
G (to audience) He said he loves her!
M: (to “Lisa”) I love you.
G: Well, My God! (To audience) Did you know that there are thirteen bathrooms in this place and I went and puked in the coat closet?
(Mike looks mortified as the lights fade.)