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The Bangle Seller-13, To Press without images. 08.06.2012
THE BANGLE SELLER-13
To Press without images. 08.06.2012
(The position of some poems are changed for which check the printed book)
The Different Faces of Love
(A series of Psychological Themes)
By
D. John Antony, OFM.Cap.
© D. John Antony, O.F.M.Cap., 2012
Other Books by the Author:
1. Dynamics of Counselling (1994)
Microskill Model
TA & NLP included
2. Skills of Counselling (1995, 2003)
Microskill Model
Kinesics & Focusing included
3. Types of Counselling (1996, 2011)
Lifespan Developmental & Situational Approach
Developmental Psychology included
4. Psychotherapies in Counselling (2003)
Includes Theories of Personality
5. Self Psychology Counselling (2005)
A Textbook of Self Psychology
6. Family Counselling (2005)
The Classic Schools
7. Trauma Counselling (2005)
8. Emotions in Counselling (2005)
9. Mental Disorders Encountered in Counselling (2006)
A Textbook of Clinical Psychology Based on DSM-IV
10. Personality Profile Through Handwriting Analysis (2009)
A Textbook of Graphology
11. Principles and Practice of Counselling (2009)
Kinesics & Clinical Psychology included
12. The Body Never Lies (2011)
The Basics of Body Language (Kinesics)
13. The Flute of a Broken Reed (2012)
(A Series of Psychological Themes)
A Journey in Vulnerability
14. Mw;Wg;gLj;Jk; fiy (1996)
Ez;jpwd; khjphp
15. Mw;Wg;gLj;Jjypd; tiffs; (1997)
tho;T KOikf;fhd tsh;epiy kw;Wk; #oy; mZFKiw tsh;epiyf;fhd cseytpay; ,izf;fg;gl;Ls;sJ
First Edition : June 2012
Published by :
Printed at :
Dedicated
To
The Simple Village Folk
who are the Main Protagonists
of these Poems
Acknowledgements
Dr. Fr. A. J. Mathew, OFM.Cap., Ph.D. He is the new Servant — Minister Provincial — recently blossomed to serve the Capuchins of the Northern Tamil Nadu. He carries a heavy responsibility on his young shoulders. He ruminates on the origin and destiny of man as a philosopher and indeed a cousin to poets in essence. His encouragement made the manuscript see the light of the day as a book.
Dr. K. Soundar Rajan, Ph.D., from the hillside village of Pachalur. He uses his talents and skills in farming, teaching and proof-reading. He did the ever-vigilant editing and proof-reading of the poems with his versatile expertise.
Dr. Pearl Kittu, Ph.D., from Namakkal, a rare pearl born in the depths of the Bay of Bengal in the Pearl City of Tuticorin. She breathes English and sings poetry in prose. She disciplined the poems in the strict jacket of the English language with the subtle nuances of literature.
Mr. S. A. Rajan from Dindigul, a multi-talented wizard who measured the poems as he fathoms people as a clinical psychologist and found images to make the poems come alive and aflame with life and designed the mantle of the book with his dexterous fingers and took care of the vagaries of the press work till this book was born in his midwifery hands.
My words touch only the fringe of the cascade of your generosity poured out on me in overabundance. May I murmur a prayer for all of you to the Lord who listens in silence and rewards you without measure!
Table Of Contents
1. The tempest
2. Transitus
3. Heartless
4. Passing through
5. Anklets
6. Past midnight
7. Faceless relation
8. Addiction
9. Sanyasa
10. Dawn
11. Vedanthangal
12. Why waste your beauty?
13. Where is your vulnerability?
14. Have you forgotten me?
15. Gift at the doorstep
16. Start with yourself
17. Allow me to touch you once
18. Perplexed
19. The group photo
20. Taking leave
21. The stolen bangle
22. Daydreams
23. How will I communicate?
24. Body language
25. Slept in your bosom
26. Selamat Pagi
27. Love at first sight
28. Noon
29. Your smile enticed me
30. It is grace
31. Stone pillar witness
32. Kissing your hand
33. You are responsible
34. Forgiveness
35. In His sweet time
36. Out of love
37. Refused to marry
38. Love letter on the river
39. Stealing?
40. With what excuse?
41. Nothing to give you
42. Prostitution!
43. Happiness is now
44. You have blue eyes
45. In the evening
46. Saints are more human
47. Passion dies – friendship lasts
48. I shall sing unseen
49. A little sadness
50. Hiding
51. Gratefulness
52. Saying more yes
53. The pursuer and the distancer
54. A humble giver
55. The long night
56. Stealthy watch
57. Who will console me?
58. Faded flowers
59. Of what?
60. Key at the door
61. Designs
62. The now experience
63. United in tears
64. His arrival
65. Why a poem on me?
66. Self-pity
67. Freedom
68. Immobility
69. Music
70. Let go
71. Silence versus betrayal
72. Sunshine
73. Accept it
74. You made me vulnerable
75. Honesty
76. Smile
77. Judgement
78. Dance
79. Non-possession
80. To my beloved you
81. Unconditional love
82. Time test
83. Your name on the cactuses
84. Dream a dream
85. The love-tryst
86. Dusk
87. The hut
88. Listless heart
89. At night
90. The peace of sadness
91. Purpose
92. Failing strength
93. Vague musing
94. Giving
95. The unknown
96. The great refusal
97. Not impoverished
98. Robbers
99. Possibility
100. Palanquin
101. Two in a blanket
102. Receiving
103. Farewell
FOREWORD
Before we were born we were securely embedded in our mothers’ womb. It was a symbiotic attachment where everything was measured and supplied without any demand made. The amniotic fluid kept us cushioned so that even the slightest turbulence could not be felt by the foetus.
Transition
But alas, after the birth which itself could have been traumatic for the emerging infant things change dramatically. First of all he has to breathe by himself to get oxygen to his body systems. Then there is the temperature which varies according to the climatic condition of the place. The environment with its light, pressure and all the stimuli arising from every sense impinges on him overwhelmingly. With the birth cry he makes his entry into a harsh world emerging from a secure world. Now he is an individual and not an enmeshed person with his mother though the bond has not been severed.
As an individual he makes his demands. He has to demand for nourishment, to be securely held, for assistance to eliminate waste products and to be kept warn and clean and thus his demands are many. Not always are all his demands met adequately with all the care of the parents especially the mother.
Separateness and Anxiety
His separateness as an individual produces anxiety. As he grows he has to fend for himself. Slowly he has to take the responsibility for his own life and future which exerts a considerable effort and energy from his part. From now on he will look for ways to get united and get attached symbiotically to his mother. But he can no longer physically do that with his mother physically. Therefore he seeks to unite with somebody who will reproduce the feeling of being attached to his mother. Thus he seeks union with others.
Union or Fusion as a Solution
This search for union can take many forms; he may like to be united with one individual or to a group of persons, or to a group as such, to a race, nation and to humanity in general. Being united to somebody relieves his feeling of aloneness or separateness.
Humans long for and seek union with others. A lot of research has been done on the type of union people tend to have or manifest in their lives. Especially the family therapists have noted with great clarity our relationships with others. Depending upon the experience of our relationship in the family of our origin we may maintain three types of relationship. They are correlated with boundaries. Boundaries are the psychological barriers we maintain with one another. In relation to others we always maintain certain boundaries. There are three types of boundaries noted in our relationship with others. They are: rigid, diffuse and clear boundaries.
Boundaries
In rigid boundaries there is no give and take; others can hardly enter into our privacy. The individual stands alone and is fortified, ultra-independent, self-focused, over-involved with oneself. The other could be a threat or an intruder into his privacy. Any involvement from others is seen as invasion. Here the god of individualism is highly exalted and adored, and relationship is sacrificed at the altar of individualism. “I am sufficient unto myself and I am not in need of others and nor should I go to others.” In this is contained the principle that others should not enjoy at my expense. If you have enjoyed on account of me you need to pay me or you need to be punished. It is simply the exaltation of oneself to the detriment of other relationships. It is a philosophy of selfish hedonism. If our parents practiced the philosophy of selfish hedonism we would not have been existing now. Two persons have sacrificed their life for us but now we are reluctant to give love in any form to others; because we think that all that we have belong to us. Nobody has the right over what we possess. In fact we forget that all that we are and possess come from others.
In diffuse boundaries there is a lot of give and take; others are free to enter into my privacy. In fact I do not need so much privacy. I cannot stand alone, I am dependent and other-focused. Your evaluation of me affects me terribly. Sacrifice comes naturally to one’s life. One’s life is defined in terms of others and society. Dependence on others is the key word that describes the relationship of the individual. I myself am nothing, but in relation with others I am somebody.
In clear boundaries there is dependence and independence. It is characterized by inter-dependence. I have my privacy and guard my individualism and when needed I can let you into my privacy. I have the freedom to let others enter into my life, and restrict entry to others when needed. I also feel comfortable to enter into the privacy of others and respect others and their privacy. I have value as an individual and also as a person in relation to others.
Relationship
Corresponding to the boundaries one maintains, one entertains relationship. In rigid boundaries there can be a relationship that is cut-off or disengaged. Others are not easily permitted to enter into my privacy nor will I desire to enter into the territory of others. Others are kept at a safe distance. There could be a lot of mistrust in others. An extreme of this may lead to paranoia.
In diffuse boundaries the relationship is enmeshed. Fusion is the word that characterizes the relationship of one with another. Entanglement in relationships and sub-systems is noticed in such relationships. You can enter my privacy readily. Perhaps I do not have any proper privacy at all. Your life is an extended form of my life. Therefore you can enter into my life and I can enter into yours.
In clear boundaries there is healthy relationship. Here one is not entirely ruled by emotions and reason plays a role. I can maintain and at the same time loosen my boundaries and let others into my life and I can enter into the lives of others.
In the distant past history the society was ruled by diffuse boundaries with enmeshed relationship. This almost amounted to our symbiotic attachment with our mothers. Then came a swing to the opposite, that is, rigid boundaries. This characterizes relationships in a number of countries and with the mass media and communication it easily contaminates the other countries of the world. Clear boundaries with healthy relationship are the ideal and our goal.
Present Scenario
Being highly disengaged makes people more vulnerable to isolation and depression and in some cases to suicide. In certain societies people do not belong to anybody, not even to one’s spouse nor to one’s children or parents. Children may sue parents and parents may sue their children. The root cause is individualism. Every involvement of the other is seen as invasive. In a society where people are lonely and isolated, the result is mental breakdown. It is not surprising that to the extent people have isolated themselves from one another they are prone to mental illness and suicide.
The basic thing required is union or fusion with others. In every relationship we seek the symbiotic fusion of our mother with another individual. As we may not be sure if we get that attachment we had with our mother with any other individual, we manipulate in such a way to get what we want. And thus we have different faces of love, love being the reason for fusion or union.
Now the Goal
The societies that remain closer to nature and to others maintain psychological health and those who distanced themselves from nature and others suffer isolation, depression and mental illness. They have forgotten how to touch another in a healthy manner and are in need of rehabilitation. Any physical contact is a taboo.
If we take away the concept of sacrifice in any relationship that relationship is not genuinely a human relationship. Love and sex are primarily giving. In the act of giving we have bliss and joy. If you grudge to give, you do not love nor share sex. When one gives you his love or shares his sex, he enjoys. To say that you should not enjoy on account of me is a contradiction. It is in giving love or sex you enjoy as well as the other enjoys. We are selfish when we say that others need not enjoy on account of us or at our expense. What completes you as a person and makes you healthy is to love and thus fuse with others without being calculative. As a byproduct you will have the highest joy or pleasure which is indicative of your fusion with another.
Love and sex are not for getting something out of them but for giving. The very act of giving gives you joy, pleasure and happiness. If one intends to get the maximum out of love or sex then that person misses the mark. Love and sex become calculated. In sex when one intends orgasm, one may not attain it; on the contrary if one intends to give joy to the partner then that very act gives pleasure (orgasm). Joy, pleasure or orgasm cannot be the direct object of striving; they are byproducts. It is like friendship. Friendship is not directly intended. When doing something or being together for something, friendship blossoms.
Love and sex are primarily meant to give birth to a new person. Therefore what marks love and sex is giving joy, pleasure or life itself. Whenever love, sex, pleasure, orgasm or friendship are attempted as the direct object of our striving then what is achieved with great difficulty is the pseudo realities which are resemblance of those realities we long for. Therefore one remains incomplete and the longing to be fused remains unabated because there had never been genuine giving.