Monologues from the works of
Playwright Todd McGinnis
INFO: www.playingafterdark.com
And
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With thanks for his creativity!
Comedy Monologues
"POINT OF VIEWING" by Todd McGinnis
1) "THE TWO FACES OF SINCERITY WEEKS" SINCERITY on her cell phone
SINCERITY
(On her cell phone.) MARLA! (Beat.) Oh, don't give me "What time is it?", Marla. I know it's early. But if I have to be up so do you. (Beat.) Marla? (Beat.) MARLA! (Beat.) You're doing it again. (Beat.) ...Talking. ...You were just talking again, weren't you Marla? (Beat, waiting for an answer.) Weren't you, Marla? (Beat.) Yes. You were. And we both know that's not what I pay you for, is it, Marla? (Beat.) ...No. It isn't. Oh, and hey ---now that we're on the subject, Marla--- just what is it that I pay you for again? Come on Marla, this is an easy one... (No answer, so, prompting...) I pay you to...? (Beat.) "Listen!" That's right. Very good. Now let's just practice that a little shall we? Are you ready Marla? Good. You agent. Me TV Star. THEY very bad people who call TV Star in the wee wee hours of morning and say TV Star must get out of bed early and REDO show she already DONE! And why? Because she do something wrong? No. Because bad people with computers make boo boo. ---Are you with me so far, Marla?--- (Beat.) Good girl. Now at this point in the story our TV Star is very, very sad. She not want to get up early to redo show she already done. But, as luck would have it, TV Star is also very sweet girl: never say "no"; always willing to pitch in and never asking what's in it for her. And do you know why she is that way, Marla? (Beat.) That's right Marla: Because she doesn't want people to think she's a bitch. No. ...She wants people to think YOU'RE a bitch, Marla. And THAT'S the OTHER THING she pays you WAY TOO MUCH FOR! You follow? Now get out your megaphone and don't--- hang on. I've got a beep.
(Sincerity hits a button on her phone to pick up the other line.)
(Answering, very sweetly.) Hello? Sincerity Weeks... (Beat.)(Rolls her eyes in annoyance but manages to keep her tone unbelievably sweet and warm.) Oh, hello, Janine. I was so hoping you'd call. I've been wanting to call you but I lost your number. My little electronic daytimer-thing ---what do you call those again?--- (Beat.) Of course! "Palm pilot." Anyway, mine just went Kaa-PLOOEY! I lost everything! Appointments. Phone numbers. Reminders. Everything. But I do know why you're calling and I've been trying to get an answer for you about my availability to host that benefit dinner of yours. Unfortunately, my agent is right in the middle of trying to set up a really big deal for me that might conflict with your benefit and she won't give me the go-ahead to commit to you until she's finished negotiations. You see... (Suddenly, confiding.) Janine? Can you keep a secret? (Beat.) Good. Because I wouldn't want you to think I was trying to duck out on you. The truth is, the deal my agent's trying to put together, well, it's so hush-hush she won't even tell me much about it. But if I said the words: "Movie" and "Tom" would you have an idea what I'm talking about. (Beat.) SHHH! Ja-nine! You said you could keep a secret! (Suddenly coy.) Besides... I didn't necessarily say it was that "Tom", did I? (Beat.) Good girl. So anyway, I hope you understand why my agent's making it a little difficult for me to push her on this. (Beat.) And you don't hate me too much? (Beat.) It's very sweet of you to be so understanding, Janine.
(Sincerity rolls her eyes and mimes "gagging" herself by sticking a finger down her throat.)
Listen Janine, have you still got my agent's number? (Beat.) Good. Now, I know it probably seems like I'm just giving you a runaround but ---I'm being very honest with you here, Janine--- Marla's honestly more in charge of my schedule than I am. So what I need you to do is give Marla a call and just keep bugging her until she gives you an answer. Will you do that for me, Janine? Because I really want be there for you. But I need you to get me there. Okay hon'? (Beat.) (In a sudden "rush".) Oh! I'm sorry, hon'. They're calling me to makeup. I have to go! Promise you'll call Marla, okay?
(She hits the "hang-up", then takes a calming breath before getting back to Marla.)
Okay, Marla. I have no idea what I was saying. But the bottom line is this: YOU are horribly, horribly offended that these jerks just expected me to come running back in here to cover their mistake without so much as a word about compensation. In fact, you are so outraged that you won't give them a moment's peace between now and air-time until they've named at least two outrageously high numbers. That clear enough? (Beat.) Good. Oh... And that woman from the hospital is going to be calling you about the benefit. You're negotiating a big secret deal for me so you can't possibly free me up unless she can pay full guest-speaker rates. Got it? Oh... and Marla? Find out how she got my number and make sure it doesn't happen again.
(Sincerity hangs up, blows out a breath of tension and slips the cell phone into a pocket.)
Comedy Monologues
2) TABITH SMILEY "SHE'S AFTER MY JOB"
SMILEY
(To the person offstage right.) Yes, Iris! I see you. I'll be there in a minute. (Drains her coffee. Then, to Sincerity.) And: No. I'm not bitter. I just don't see why she got the plumb job of hosting our Tenth Anniversary Pre-show Interview? They couldn't get somebody a little higher-profile than her? I mean, we are national... Hell, we're international tv stars! We've been Number One in our time slot for almost all of the time we've been on the air. What's the Stick ever done? [Besides...] I don't "think" she's after my job. I know it. I keep my eyes and ears open. You know she's sleeping with Terry. How did you think she got her own show last fall? Talent? [Of course, they pulled it after three episodes but still. That’s all the more reason] why Terry needs to find something else for his love-muffin to do. And why go to all the work of trying to create and sell a new show when you can just make a little room for her on a top-rated show that you already own? Of course, it won't happen overnight. No. You have to do these things carefully, little by little, you have to make sure that it all happens quietly. That way Britanny can get what she wants, Terry can keep on getting what he wants... for as long as he wants. Everybody's happy. (Beat, a wicked, musing smile begins to show.) Unless of course, the boys in "post" screw up so badly that you have to put a woman who has nothing to lose ---the woman you're trying to ditch--- on the air... in a live tv broadcast over which you have little or no control. Then things might not go quite so according to plan. Maybe I'll go BALLISTIC on the air!?! Huh? How would that be? Maybe I'll just go NUTS and tell the whole world what these ungrateful, back-stabbing creeps are up to? HUH!?! HOW 'BOUT THAT!?! HOW WOULD THAT BE!?! (Beat. (Beat, the fantasy loses its charm, wind goes out of her sails.) Or maybe... I'll just behave like a professional and get on with things since there's nothing I can do about it anyway. [If I complain] they can accuse me of trying to poison the working atmosphere and I'm gone. Freak out on the show? Unprofessional conduct and I'm gone. Either way, I'm gone. (Smiley notices the "return" of Iris offstage.) Oh look who's back? What the matter, Iris? Did you miss me? (Smiley heads for the exit, then stops and turns back, about to say something else but apparently silenced before she can do so by the continued glare from offstage. She turns back to "face" Iris, planting a fist on one hip and glares right back.) Oh you so don't want to give me that look at this hour of the morning, Iris. (Beat.) I'm warning you, woman: I am only three coffees into a six coffee morning...
Comedy Monologues
3) SINCERITY’S CONCERN FOR HER ACCOUNTANT’S MENTAL HEALTH
SINCERITY
Suit yourself. (Then, into her phone.) Put Martin on. (Beat. Then suddenly sweet.) Hi Martin. It's your favourite client. (Beat.) I know this is your home number, Martin but I just couldn't wait. I was worried about you. (Beat.) Yes Martin. I was worried about that little drug problem of yours and I was just wondering how it's going? (Beat.) Well, let me try to refresh your memory. Do you remember that invoice you sent me recently? (Beat.) Okay. That's good. Your memory isn't totally gone...
Now, Martin, do you remember the invoice amount? (Beat.) Oh you do? So I guess you also remember that it was a little high... (Beat.) Well, Martin, when I say "a little high"? I guess what I mean is: You must have been high when you came up with that number. What're you, on crack? Is that it? (1/2 Beat.) Martin, I'm saying this for your own good: That invoice was clearly a cry for help from a sad pathetic mind in the grip of some terrible addiction. If you thought for one second that I was going to pay your ridiculous hourly rate for work that very clearly wasn't even done by you--- (Beat.) ...No it wasn't. (1/2 beat.) No it wasn't. (1/2 beat, then suddenly ominous.) Go ahead, Martin... Make me say it just once more... I dare you.
[AUTHOR’S NOTE: At this point in the play, someone passes through the room, distracting Sincerity from her phone call for several long silent beats. For monologue performance purposes… Sincerity now takes a long beat away from the phone call to do something else. ----Suggestions: chew some aspirin; take a drink; check her makeup; signal for another drink; telegraph her disgust with the food that’s been brought to her and send it back; blow kisses and mime an enthusiastic greeting to someone she really can’t stand who just happens to be passing by, etc.---- When she is done, she returns her attention to the phone.]
Hmmm? (Beat.) No Martin, I didn't hear a word you said, I wasn't listening to you. Which is probably the only reason you're still my accountant. Now, here are the possibilities: One. You got one of your junior chimpanzees to do the work and you signed off on it without checking it thoroughly. Or Two. You did the job yourself five minutes after you became a total mental retard! Now which is it? (Beat.) ...Shall I take your stunned silence as an admission of guilt? Okay then. Here's what you're going to do Martin: You're going to go back through that return and you're going to find all the mistakes that I found and you're going to correct them. Then you're going to send me a whole new return with a whole new invoice for a whole lot less money. In exchange, I won't fire your ass and bad mouth your good name to everyone I know. How's that sound? (Beat.) I thought you'd like it. You are now free to hang up.
Comedy Monologues
4) TABITHA SMILEY’S RANT ABOUT TV EXPERTS & POP-PSYCHOLOGISTS
SMILEY
You know what the problem is with you ["Experts"?] You take some totally ordinary, mildly annoying or inconvenient human characteristic and you attach a name to it and suddenly... BOOM! You've identified a BIG SPOOKY SYNDROME!!! Like... a fat kid who gets no exercise and spends the whole day eating potato chips and Oreos isn't just "fat", is he? Oh no! He's got "Narco-Lethargic Snack-itus SYNDROME!". Ooooo! Or a kid who hasn't been outdoors in a month and won't sit still doesn't maybe just need some fresh air and exercise. No way! 'Cause that kid's got "Interio-Phobic Hyperactivational SYNDROME" RIGHT? OOOOOOooo! So now we all have to be SCARED of the BIG BAD SYNDROME!!! And why? Because some total nobody, like you were, who's trying to establish a name for himself so he can build his practice... well... he's written dozens of articles about this HUGE NEW PROBLEM in some pseudo-credible rag like... I don't know...
(Smiley pours herself a drink.)
Time or People or… Maclean's. And of course, because this is just ordinary, everyday reality for a lot of people, you have no problem finding lots of "tragic case histories" that you can trot out on shows like this one. And the next thing you know? Everybody's looking over everybody's shoulder, wondering if this person has this "syndrome" or that person has that "issue" and what should they do about it? Well, what CAN they do? I guess they have to call the EXPERT, don't they? And that's the idiot they read in the paper or saw on tv talking about this thing they never even knew was a LIFE-SHATTERING CRISIS until he told him it was.
(Takes a sip of her drink.)
(Aside.) OOO! Look! I've got I-FELT-LIKE-HAVING-A-FREAKIN'-DRINK SYNDROME! OOOooo! How will I LIVE!?! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! So now, our expert has a thriving practice ---which he's never at because he's too busy attending symposiums and conferences--- and the talk shows have something to buzz about between commercials, and the chemical companies have scads of new pink and yellow pills to sell, when all our "Video-game-ADDICTED, Hyperactively-Manic-Depressive, Chronically-Obese case of Attention-Deficit Disorder" really needed was: a piece of fresh fruit; a whack on the ass; twenty minutes of fresh air and movement; and a dictionary so he could look up the meaning of the word "NO"!
Comedy Monologues
7) HERA, QUEEN OF THE GODS DISCUSSES HER MARITAL PROBLEMS
HERA
(Complimenting Iris, Goddess of Rainbows on her efforts to prevent Zeus --Hera’s husband--- from following through on his planned "romantic" conquest/infidelity with a visting goddess.)
I must say... you did that rather well ...Keeping yourself alive for a little while longer, I mean. (Filling her cup.) After all, there he was, about to stroll off with that... (Can't find the word, lets it go.) ...only moments away from sealing your fate and suddenly... you have him postponing his little "rendez-vous" as though it was his idea. Not for long, of course, but still... impressive. You must show me how you do that sometime. I mean you really must. Or I'll destroy you. (Beat.) Do you want to know what the real problem is? I'm the Goddess of Domestic Bliss! Happy homes and healthy marriages are my territory. And I can't even make my own work! (Sighs.) One day I'm the happily-married "Queen of Gods", the envy of earth and heavens, with a perfect, loving, devoted husband. The next? I'm threatening to rip the wings off Hermes when I find out he's carrying a love note from my husband to some shepherd-girl! Not that it was Hermes's fault, of course. He just naturally thought the letter was for me. But it was an honest mistake and he felt so bad about it ---He's been really sweet to me ever since, just trying to make it up--- so I never told Zeus how I found out. Oh! And if you ever tell anyone--- (Makes a threatening gesture suggesting she’ll destroy Iris.)