English
Level 2
AS90376(2.2)Produce crafted and developed formal transactional writing(Version 2)
See also:The90376 standard (including explanatory notes)
The clarification document for writing
Pages 3-5 of the current National Moderator’s Report
The four internal assessment resourcesfor this standard (TKI)
These seven samples are grade boundary samples of student work.
They have been annotated to explain why they just meet or do not meet the standard.
Student sample 1:
Not Achieved:This response does not yet meet the standard for Achieved.Achieved criteria:
- Develop and support ideas in a piece of formal transactional writing.
- Craft writing to create effects that are appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type.
- Structure material in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type.
- Use writing conventions accurately.
Why does this response not yet meet the standard at Achieved?
- It does not meet the first criterion. The piece becomes a ‘re-tell’ of an event rather than the development of an idea.
- There are too many awkward constructions and expressions to meet the requirement to ‘craft writing to create effects appropriate to purpose, text type’
- The piece is not structured in ‘a way that is appropriate to the purpose’ (the students’ developing leadership skills/ experience)
- It does not use writing conventions accurately. There are patterns of apostrophe and syntax errors.
The introduction clearly establishes the purpose of the text (leadership, role models) (third criterion, structure)
Introduction is generally appropriately crafted, (second criterion) although there are some awkward structures. (italicised)
First criterion: the following five body paragraphs show some, but limited, development of the idea of leadership.
Second body paragraph briefly discusses a leadership task- but there is limited development of the idea.
Next paragraphs have loose links to the topic with some supporting details, (speeches activities) but limited links and development to the leadership idea.
Second criterion:Awkward constructions throughout the text (some examples are italicised). There are limited examples of careful ‘crafting to create effects’ as is required.
Third criterion: Although the text has been paragraphed, the paragraphs are structured around the events in the day, rather than structured around the main purpose of the text (leadership).
Fourth criterion (conventions):
There is a pattern of misplaced apostrophes (both inserted where they should not be and not inserted where they should; suggesting a limited understanding of apostrophe use)
There is also a pattern of syntax errors. Run on sentences are, in particular, quite intrusive.
The idea of leadership (first criterion) is not sufficiently addressed in the conclusion (third criterion). There is, however, an effective link in the last sentence to the opening paragraph. /
The Completely Crazy Camp
"Haere mai ra, haere mai ra" were the words I sang as our bus rumbled its way down the hill towards the marae at which we were staying. On this very hot and humid Thursday morning we arrived at the marae's gates sweating furiously while holding our unusually heavy luggage. It was the 30"' of January, the day we so-called "role-models" began our overnight camp, where we would be taught how to be smart and reliable "role models". Our concentration on the methodically crashing waves of the sea that was neighbouring our camp was broken by the sweet voice of a woman calling us tocome onto the marae, using a traditional Maori karanga. So our exciting journey of leadership had begun.We found the voice of the woman belonged to Whaea Hetet who was part "Maori, African, English...", who so kindly asked that we "only take memories". It was then the males’ turn who was quietly waiting for us to finish the hongi and take a seat so he could then perform a traditional Maori welcoming speech. The man introduced himself as Matua Kingi and both Whaea Hetet and Matua Kingi had to exit the marae after they had formally welcomed us on, so once they had departed we were left to our own devices for a while until it was time to feed the grumbling voices that were our stomachs.
The groups that we had chosen the day before each had specially assigned tasks of cooking and cleaning, but thankfully my group and I were not the delegated cooks or cleaners yet. To our greatest surprise and utter disappointment, we found that we would first have to undergo a little "leadership paperwork". The task we were set was to, in our special little groups, read through and produce a thorough explanation about the topic on the paper. Our group had to explain how to "Prepare a Program" for the activities we would be doing with the new Year Nines. It was fairly straightforward as Chris, one of my comrades, read directly from the information sheet the more important facts of our topic. Our stomachs were finally settled after we finished the task and more preparation for our Peer Support activities took us right into dinner, whereas our group still weren't cooking or cleaning.
As the feeding of faces came to a bloated stop, all students and teachers alike waited for the arrival of Mr. Jim Brown, the hearty, down-to-earth principal of SunshineHigh School, who had decided to make an entry at around 7:00pm. Once inside the wharenui, it was time for the memorable speech a principal would give to the Year Thirteen that we are. As Mr Browns speech wore on, it was clear that he was very keen to get his important messages drilled into our heads with comments like `you have to discipline yourself', so as we get closer to our goal and the road gets tougher, your have to push yourself forward and "keep your head up".
Following his speech were some team-building activities Mr. Brown had taken with him, where the randomly chosen groups that we had just been put into have to use, for example, something other than their mouths to communicate and make the tallest and strongest (not to mention the prettiest) tower possible. Supper was eagerly accepted and then it was off to the whare moe for the girls and the tents we had put up earlier for the boys.
The next and final day of our inspiring journey saw the appearance of our guest speakers’ local policeman Constable Smith; former Tall Black Coach McKean and the New Zealand Black Sox captain Bevan Martin. One of the more important messages I extracted from Mr. Martins' speech was "the sacrifice we all have to make" in order to achieve our dream, but more importantly to use the school to my advantage and "get the most out of it" as it is a prime resource for goals. Once the speeches that had made us re-think our lives had finished, it was time for lunch and some final bits and pieces that we had to complete for our Peer Support group.
3:00pm came and it was time to depart from the Year 13 Orientation Camp, the groups cleaned the marae and with the last few group photos taken, we all stampeded onto the bus and back to good old Hometown. I would like to thank Mr Jones , our most reliable bus driver, the 7thForm Dean, Ms Thomas, Mr Kahui for providing a frisbee, Mrs Green for supervising us, Mr Martin, Constable Smith, Coach McKean and Mr Brown for their encouraging speeches and Whaea Hetet and Matua Kingi for welcoming the group onto the marae. Most of all, the Year Thirteen "crew" for an awesome camp and good old-fashioned outdoor fun. I hope that Whaea Hetet will be pleased that we only took priceless memories.
Student sample 2:
Achieved (Low): This response just meets the standard at Achieved.Achieved criteria:
- Develop and support ideas in a piece of formal transactional writing.
- Craft writing to create effects that are appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type.
- Structure material in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type.
- Use writing conventions accurately.
Why does this response just meet the standard at achieved?
- The text sufficiently develops the idea that violent games have an influence on teenage violent behaviour. The points are supported with relevant details and examples
- There is some evidence of crafting as defined by EN 5: ‘Craft involves a systematic process of reworking and reshaping the writing, and selecting language deliberately to achieve a coherent, planned whole.’ However there are some awkward expressions which make this borderline for the second criterion.
- The text is clearly organised and structured.
- The text meets the accuracy requirement. Minor errors are acceptable.
Introduction identifies the topic. (third criterion, structure).
Questions and second person pronoun, both directed at the reader, show conscious crafting (second criterion)
The idea (first criterion) of violent games and its link with teenage violence has limited development in the body paragraphs.
Each paragraph deals with a specific aspect of the topic. Relevant points are described with sufficient explanation.
However, the direction of the argument is not always clear. For example, the first body paragraph appears, at first, to be on a slightly different aspect of the topic.
Details and examples are given to support points made (statistics, examples and relevant links to current events).
The points are organised into reasonably structured paragraphs (third criterion, structure).
All the points made are linked to the main idea of the text.
The work shows evidence of some ‘crafting to create effects’ (second criterion). The language used is generally clear and appropriate. Some inappropriate usage, for example, “kids”.
Some variety of expression and sentence structures although there are some awkward structures and expressions. For example the italicised section.
Use of questions directed at the reader is a consistent stylistic device.
The work is generally accurate (fourth criterion) although there are some errors (i.e. unappropriate/inappropriate; game/games; that/who; is/was).
The conclusion (third criterion) links to the main idea and invites the reader to think about the issue. /
Does violent gaming have a prime influence in teenage violence?
Does your child play violent games? Could your child be the next trigger happy criminal? Is violent gaming a prime influence on teenage violence?Kids should not be playing R16 and R18 games when they are only 14. How closely are the age restrictions on games followed? These days the age restrictions on games are not followed very closely. Most of the time the person that buys the game are the required age, but the people who play that bought game are underage. These days parents, older sibling or friends are buying the games that the younger ones cannot. This leads to children playing violent and unappropriate games that could be harmful for their future.
The crime and abuse rate in the US has soared in the last 10 years. More and more kids are now being treated for anger management. These are some statements that make us blame gaming, but what tests have been done? A test run by Irwin Strafford identifies the effects on teenagers playing a non-aggressive game versus a teenager playing an aggressive game. The result for the two different types of game came out as either impulsive or reflective. The teenagers who played the aggressive game, compared to those that played the non-aggressive game displayed verbal and physical aggression to inanimate objects and friends at lunch time. Another test was carried out. This time both action packed games were used. The first game was the action packed but non violent “Need for Speed: Underground” the second was the ultra violent “Medal of Honor: Frontline”. There were 44 picked students that were split into two groups. One group played the violent game for 30 mins and the other raced for 30 mins. The kids were given MRI scans of their brains after the 30 minute sessions. Negative effects on the brains were only showed on those who played the violent game. The same effect was not present in those who raced. The only difference between the two games is violence.
So yes there are many tests that have been done that prove different theories. So does gaming actually have an effect on teenage violence? Gaming affects children and adults aged 4 to 45. People are now concerned about games that involve aggression. Around a third of teenagers play games daily and 7% played 30hours or more a week! Now the opponent either spurts out blood or loses a limb. Who knows where graphics will take violence in the next 10 years? In 1999 on April 20th Eric Harris and Dyland Klebold launched an assault on the ColumbineHigh School in Littleton, these two teenagers murdering 13 and injuring 23. These two kids used to play the bloody shooting game “Doom”. Eric and Dyland had customized this game so there were two shooters, each with weapons and many other people who were defenceless. For a school project the same thing was made in a video, they acted this video less than a year later….
Who should we blame? We could easily put the blame on anyone. Do we blame the parents for buying the game and letting their child play games that they should not? Could we blame the law for not being harsher on underage gaming? Or do we simply blame the makers of these violent games? I think they all have something to do with it.
Yes, I think that gaming is a prime influence in teenage violence. To fix this situation I think that new laws need to be placed and game raters need to be harsher. Also we need to not buy kids violent games. Your kids might end up like Eric and Dyland….
Student sample 3:
Achieved (High):This work does not yet meet the standard at MeritMerit criteria:
- Develop and support ideas convincingly in a piece of formal transactional writing.
- Craft controlled writing to create effects that are appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type
- Structure material clearly, in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type
- Use writing conventions accurately
Why does this response notmeet the standard at Merit?
- The ideas are not always ‘convincing’ (required for Merit) as the ideas sometimes lack depth.
- Arguments are sometimes too obvious for Merit. Good evidence is cited at times.
- The work is crafted and sometimes ‘controlled’(Merit). There is a sense of direction (EN6) but it is not always sustained.
- The work is structured but not always‘clearly’ so. There is some circular reasoning.
Introduction (third criterion, structure) explains the topic of the text, although it is not particularly clear what the specific argument is going to be.
Although there is evidence of conscious crafting (second criterion) there are also some awkward expressions and structures.
The idea (first criterion) of sexism is developed, but is not always convincing. For example, the evidence of salary inequity is alluded to, but no specific details given (required for ‘develop ideas convincingly’, Merit) Purpose of text clear with final ‘call for action’ sentence (italicised).
Information is given to prove there are sexist attitudes (for example,italicised section, second body paragraph, but the paragraph needs a clearer sense of direction.
The third body paragraph provides further examples of society’s differing standards as regards gender. Ideas are supported and there is some sense of direction (italicised sections) but there needs to be more to the development of the argument than just further examples.
The work is structured (third criterion) around different aspects of the main idea.
There is evidence of some careful ‘reworking and reshaping’ (second criterion, crafting) but there are some awkward expressions which detract. Some variations in sentence structures, a reasonable range of vocabulary, some apt imagery.
The conclusion reinforces the idea of inequality and the consequences of it. The argument is a ‘call to action’ but insufficiently convincing for Merit. Move from third, to first, to second person directed text weakens the piece. /