50 First Dates Script
So tell me. How was Hawaii?
-It was unbelievable.
-Oh, yeah?
-Well, what happened?
-l met this guy.
It was the best week of my life.
It was just a little
vacation romance.
But he was so sweet.
He took me to all these
cool local places.
We went scuba diving....
-Snorkeling.
-Mountain climbing.
We went cliff diving.
Well, we got a little drunk.
-He gave me....
-A back rub.
We slow danced....
--in the rain.
But it wasn't just about the sex.
He pounded me like a mallard duck.
It ended kind of weird, though.
When l asked for his number,
he said he's....
-Married.
-Gay.
-Entering the priesthood.
-He doesn't believe in phones.
He just kind of ran away.
You know, it was just
a little fling, but....
l won't forget my week....
--with Henry Roth.
-Henry Roth.
-Harry.
Harry Paratesticles.
-Henry Roth.
-Henry Roth.
Henry Roth, why didn't you tell me
you were a secret agent?
l prefer intelligence operative,
and l couldn't tell you until l knew you.
Well, can l call you when l land?
You can call me, but l'll be in Peru.
l said that a little loud.
Come on, that's a code blue.
We got the wolf sleeping at night.
He's slipping his arm in the drawer
and out comes the cookie jar. All clear.
Got it?
Well, maybe when you
get back from Peru.
-l don't think that's an option, Lisa.
-Linda.
l know. l changed your name
for your protection.
We have to go our separate ways now.
Well, goodbye.
Got it! Moving out!
-What the hell is your problem?
-Just keep going, l'll give you $ .
-You got it. How's your balls?
-Killing me. Hit it.
Easy, Honah Lee.
Hey, l'm a person, not a seal.
Well, l am a vet, not a doctor. So just
hold still, or l won't give you a treat.
l know, it's okay.
You see that, kids?
You see what happens
when you play with sharks?
Now, why you gotta spread those lies?
Sharks are like dogs.
They only bite when you
touch their private parts.
That's a good title
for my documentary.
Sharks: They Only Bite When
You Touch Their Private Parts.
Or you could call it,
Sharks: They Tried to Eat My Kidney.
All right, enough already.
You too, Willie.
All of you.
He just cast a spell on us.
All right. Put this on four times
a day for two weeks.
-You can handle that.
-What's wrong with that turtle?
Lung problems because
he smoked too much turtle weed...
...which is bad for you. Right, Ula?
What? l don't smoke weed.
Hey, Honah Lee? How's that hot
wahine nympho from Ohio?
Great. l dropped her off
at the airport this morning.
Come on, l need some details.
You get some booby, some assy,
a pull on your poi-poi? Come on.
Daddy, what's a nympho?
Oh. The nympho
is the state bird of Ohio.
You're the state idiot of Hawaii.
Here you go. Bite the fish,
chew the fish, love the fish. Enjoy.
-You crack me up, kamaaina.
-Oh, yeah?
-One of these days...
-Yeah?
...you'll show one of those
tourists such a good time...
...she'll wanna stay on the island.
Why do you say
mean things like that...
...and why is your foot
on my pillow?
l don't want your ass on it, either.
Get up! Get up!
It could happen.
Then you won't be able to go
on your boat trip to Alaska.
You'll be stuck here, waking up next to
the same old, ugly broad, just like Ula.
Just kidding, guys.
-About the old part or the ugly part?
Henry, come quickly!
It's Jocko!
Jocko! What's going on
with you, buddy?
Don't be scared.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Just stay calm. All right.
Willie, l don't need you to see this.
Get out of here, now!
Okay, check the temperature
of the pool. Go! Hurry!
What are you doing?
l meant check the thermometer!
Give me a hand. Let's go!
Get me two fish
from the barrel. Now.
-Okay.
-Just hang in there.
-Here.
-It's gonna be all right.
That's a little warm.
Go to the bottom of the barrel, please.
Okay, there. That's good. Thank you.
Come on, buddy, take it. Take it.
-He's not responding!
-l know, Alexa!
Sorry, l smacked you. You needed
the fish-slap to calm down.
-Do you understand? Are you calm?
-Yes. Fish-slap calm me.
l'm gonna try to get him
breathing manually...
...so l need your face next
to his mouth to see if it's working.
-Are you ready?
-Yes.
-One, two, three!
-Nothing, nothing!
All right! Try it again. lf it doesn't
work we'll perform a tracheotomy.
We don't wanna do that, so let's
pray this works. One more time.
One, two....
That's a lot of vomit.
This is why l got into
this business.
To save sea animals.
You should go
wash yourself off, okay?
Maybe try some turpentine.
That might take the stink away.
Yeah, high-five is right, buddy.
l knew you were gonna burp,
but the vomit thing was awesome!
That's what she gets for eating
my roast beef sandwich.
Willie, did you see that?
Captain's log:
November th, : a.m.
I've taken the Sea Serpent for
a trip around the island of Oahu.
It is by far the longest voyage
she has yet undertaken...
...and its completion will signal
that she's ready...
...for our great journey
to Bristol Bay...
...whose unspoiled walrus habitat
will yield an abundance of--
Damn it!
Are you kidding me?
Aloha, honey.
What can l get for you?
l guess l'll take a cup of coffee.
-You guess?
-Yeah, l already ate breakfast.
l need to kill some time before the
Coast Guard gets here to tow my boat.
What did you eat?
l had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup
and some Gatorade.
They're not breakfast.
l get you Spam and eggs.
Nick, l need Spam and eggs.
Hey.
-You like the peanut butter cups?
-Yes.
Want me to put peanut butter cups
in your eggs?
No, that's okay.
Peanut butter cups.
-Hey, Sue, nice haircut.
-Mahalo, Lucy.
Are you staring at me or her?
Because you're starting
to freak me out.
Settle down and eat your pancakes.
l think she's a local girl.
l wanted to go up to her...
...but l was kind of off my game.
But, man, was she cute, though.
l thought you liked your bitches
from out of state.
Yeah, that's usually my policy.
Make sure l don't get tied down.
Freeze that image right there.
There's the little fella.
Congratulations, Mommy.
Sounds to me like someone
is afraid of commitment.
Let me guess.
Your high school sweetheart
got drunk at party...
...then cheated on you
with whole wrestling team.
Close. Actually, it was my
college girlfriend Tracy.
And it wasn't a wrestling team.
It was her academic advisor.
-Oh, she liked the older man.
-Older women. About years older.
l hope you shot the stupid tramp.
What's with the ''tramp''
and the ''bitches'' talk?
-Are you drunk or something?
-l apologize for nasty talk.
l am grouchy due to lack
of recent physical intimacy.
Shut up, because here comes
one-time-only opportunity.
What l will do now is go into
your office and become naked.
Next move is up to you.
l may not be as limber
as l once was...
...but l make up for it with enthusiasm
and willingness to experiment.
l don't know if you realize,
l'm not into guys.
Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups.
Hey, Mr. Could-Kill-Me-in-One-Punch.
How you doing?
-You're back.
-Couldn't get enough of that Spam.
Fry some up and throw
some eggs on it.
-You got it.
All right, mahalo.
-Hi, Lucy.
-Hi, Nick.
You know, why don't you try this?
It's kind of a hinge.
-Now, why didn't l think of that?
-Well, you're too close to the project.
Don't be hard on yourself.
Right. Sometimes you need
an outsider's perspective.
Fresh eye never hurts.
l'm Lucy.
Yes. l'm Henry Roth.
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
It's pretty. Keep up the good work.
Wait. l see you're sitting there alone.
Do you wanna come and sit down?
-Sure, that'd be great, if that's all right.
-Okay.
-So are you an architect?
-l am not. l'm in fish.
Oh, that's where the smell
is coming from.
Yeah, yeah, l was feeding
a walrus this morning...
...and l thought l got most of it
off of me, but guess l didn't.
-l love that smell.
-No, you don't.
-Fish don't even like that smell.
-No, l do. My dad's a fisherman.
He and my brother Doug, they go
out to sea for months at a time.
And l miss them so much while they're
gone that when they come back...
...l just hold on to them
for five minutes each.
And they smell just like your hands.
It's the best smell in the world.
Well, my fingers are available...
...for your sniffing pleasure
anytime you need them.
-Wanna?
-Okay.
Sea lions are known
for their athleticism...
...and dolphins are known
for their intelligence.
-Walruses are known for their....
-Tusks?
Their tusks. Also their male parts
can get pretty gigantic.
Yeah, yeah, it's the second biggest
out of all the mammals.
-What's the first?
-l think Tattoo-Face.
l like your laugh.
l like you making me laugh.
l hate to break this up,
but we're setting up for lunch.
Oh, okay. Sorry, Sue.
And the real cool thing about walruses
is they're very mysterious.
-Mysterious?
-Yeah, yeah.
We don't really know what
they're like in the wild.
Don't they just sleep on icebergs
and yawn all the time?
All we really see is what they do
outside of the water...
...but who knows what
they do under the ice...
...where they spend
two-thirds of their lives.
Well, maybe they're intimidating the
other creatures with their big winkies.
That is one theory.
-l have to go.
-Where you going?
It's my dad's birthday, and we go
every year and we pick a pineapple.
-It's a tradition.
-That sounds nice. Okay, well...
...l had a great time.
-Me too.
-Okay.
Would you like to have breakfast
again tomorrow morning, same time?
-Because l teach an art class at .
-Really?
-Yeah.
-l wish l could make it...
...but, yes, l will be there.
-Take care.
-Okay.
-One for the road. It is fishy.
-Got you good.
-Aloha.
-Aloha!
See you tomorrow.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my goodness.
Shit.
l had a bee on me.
-All right.
-He was a big one.
Which means
''look at those two shitheads.''
That was the stupidest-looking
swing l've ever seen.
l'm gonna take a Molokai
on that one.
No throwing. Come on.
Stop laughing, you hyenas.
Let's see what you get.
Okay, you heard me. Go! Go!
Show papa what you got.
-You suck, you're good at everything.
-Father of the Year strikes again.
By the way, cuz, l met this sexy, blond
tax attorney at Starbucks today.
l told her you the kahuna
she wanna have fun on this island.
You want her number?
You pimping tourists for me again?
Yes! l live vicariously
through you, remember?
My life sucks.
Now, come on. Give her the Waikikiki
sneaky between the cheeky.
Ula needs it. l imagine l did it and then
l can get through another weekend.
l'm staying in. Sorry.
Thank you, though.
-What?
-Hey, Dad!
Not now, Keanu Mokokokakau.
But your stitches are bleeding.
It must've been my huge back-swing.
You think you can stitch me up
after l get back from surfing?
-Yeah, looking forward to it.
-l wouldn't surf with a wound like that.
You might attract a shark.
What's wrong with that?
Sharks are naturally peaceful.
ls that right?
How'd you get that nasty cut, anyway?
A shark bit me.
Nice.
Go smoke another one, bro.
That shark theory's
starting to catch on.
Now, will everybody keep it down...
...while l whack the crap
out of this thing?
Sit! Stay! Shit! No!
Where the hell is it?
Looking for something?
Oh, my God!
What are you doing here?
The same thing you are.
Looking for my ball.
This is weird. l've been thinking
about you all morning, all day.
Can't wait to have breakfast
with you again.
l know. And l just wanna eat you up.
-Really?
-Yeah. Tomorrow and the next day...
-...and the next day and the next day.
-All right. Okay.
Oh, my.
Oh, Lucy, that feels so good.
No, my nipples are too sensitive.
Stop that.
-What happened?
-Your ball hooked into that cart...
...bounced back and hit you in
the head. It was freaking hilarious.
-What?
-Who's Lucy?
And what's up with your nipples?
l can't be falling for a local.
l ain't ever going back to that diner.
-This where you got hit?
-Yes!
You're so lucky you're a professional
cliff diver in Hawaii.
-Yeah, well, it's a living.
-l'm a tax attorney.
-We never get to have any fun.
-ls that right?
l'd like to do something
extra fun tonight.
Taking it deep, aren't you?
How about another
fishbowl for the lady?
-Why don't l just tap a keg for her?
-Okay.
l think l'm getting kind of drunk.
-Are you getting drunk?
-Getting there.
So, what are you thinking?
What am l thinking?
Actually, l'm not drunk at all,
Noreen, and neither are you...
...because there's no alcohol
in these drinks.
Sadly, l've used this technique
many times.
It helps lovely tourists,
such as yourself...
...loosen up without impairing
your ability to stay awake...
...and have guiIt-free,
vigorous sex with me.
-Wow.
-l'm sorry.
l'm not a cliff diver, either.
l'm afraid of heights.
Well, since it's my last night in town...
...can l pretend you didn't just say that
and still have sex with you anyway?
l can't do it. l'm sorry.
Well, can you at least point me in
the direction of someone who can?
That guy over there
could help you out.
-lsn't that a woman?
-Jeez, l'm not really sure.
But you're too drunk to notice,
remember? Take care.
-Hey, you. Aloha.
-Aloha.
Not aloha, ''hello,'' aloha, ''goodbye.''
We're closed today. Go away.
-What are you talking about?
-Order up!
-Don't move. l have to talk to you.
-Okay.
-Hey! Tattoo-Face!
-Hey, Peanut Butter Cups!
My fingers are extra fishy today,
if you care to take a whiff.
What was that?
l was petting my walrus all morning
and thinking of you the whole time.
Okay, pervert.
l think that you should leave.
What? l was joking because
of what we talked about yesterday.
Yesterday?
l've never even met you.
-Nick! l need help!
-Coming, Lucy.
Nick, put that down.
l'll handle it.
-You, follow me.
-Wait a-- What's going on?
l was kidding around with you!
What's happening here?
ls she crazy or something?
Lucy is a very special person.
Very different from other people.
Okay.
About a year ago, Lucy was
in a terrible car accident.
She and her father went up
North Shore to get a pineapple.
Her father broke some ribs, but Lucy
suffered a serious head injury.
She lost her short-term memory.
So she can't remember anything?
No, no, no, she has all of her
long-term memory.
That's a different part
of the brain.
Her whole life, up to the night before
the accident, she remembers.
She just can't retain
any new information.
It's like her slate gets wiped clean
every night while she sleeps.
Hold on. This sounds like something
l would tell a psycho girl...
...so she'd stop calling me.
Am l the psycho girl?
l wish l was making this up!
She has no memory
that she ever met you.
What about the
pineapple-picking thing?
She says that every day,
because each morning...
...she wakes up thinking it's
October th of last year.
She comes for breakfast because
that's what she did on Sundays...
...and October th
was a Sunday.
She has no idea
it's more than a year later.
She reads the newspaper.
It's a special paper her father
puts on their porch.
It's from the day of her accident.
He got hundreds of them printed.
Lucy does the same thing every day.
-Hello!
-Back here.
-Hi, Dad!
-Oh, hi, sweetie.
You got one without me.
The lady at the farmers' market
gave it to me as a birthday present.
l didn't wanna hurt her feelings.
l think she likes you.
-Yeah, what's not to like?
-What about our tradition?
Well, l have another idea.
l painted my workshop yesterday.
White.
Now it's too white.
Gives me a headache.
Oh, yeah, you definitely
need some color in here.
Well, you know,
that's what l was thinking.
-Really?
-Yeah. Go nuts.
-Paint me something for my birthday.
-l will.
And promise that we can pick
a pineapple for Thanksgiving, okay?
-Sounds great.
-Okay, good.
Hey, you should watch the Vikings
game while l'm painting.
Good idea.
-Yeah, baby. lsolate.
-What are we eating tonight, Doug?
-Spaghetti, Pop.
-Try not to sweat in the sauce.
Sorry, Pop.
Go Vikings.
Seven hundred and five.
Seven hundred and six.
-Seven hundred and seven.
-Hey, you guys.
Hey, sweetie.
How's the painting coming?
-You'll see.
-Cool.
-Oh. What's the score?
-The Vikings are on the two-yard line.
-lf they score, they bring it to - .
-Maybe they'll win for your birthday.
And l'll bet Culpepper runs it in.