1How to Run a Family Time: New Parents Course

Contents

1How to run a Family Time: New Parents course

2Developing a parenting mindset

3Developing relationships and forming attachment

4Developing a vision for your family’s future

5Recommended Reading

6Course Participant’s Feedback Form

Session 1: Developing a Parenting Mindset

Welcome to the Family Time: New Parents Course. We know from experience how busy and exhausting pregnancy and caring for a baby is – so the first thing we want to do is congratulate you on just being here.

We’re not baby experts

In our opinion, there’s no such thing as a baby expert. Every baby is different, as is every parent. While some people are particularly gifted in relating to and caring for babies, every baby needs an individual approach. We don’t have all the expertise in the world, but we do share a passion with you for beginning family life in the best way possible.

Exercise 1:

Introduce yourself to the person you are sitting next to. Share your expectations for this three-week parenting course. Which questions do you most want answered?

Your preparation so far

Exercise 2:

Circle the three things from the below list that you have given the most time/ attention to in recent months:

Getting informed about the birth
Purchasing things for the new baby
Your emotional health
Your relationship with your partner
Discussing what support you will have available when baby arrives
Making your home ready for a baby
Sharing your thoughts on parenting with your partner
Planning how to sustain your faith in the season ahead

Your expectations – positive and negative

Because being able to have a baby is an incredible thing, we can feel that to raise our fears or reservations about becoming a parent is somehow wrong. Sharing our worries with others is in fact a powerful way of assessing how ‘real’ our concerns actually are.

Exercise 3:

My greatest fear about parenthood is…………………………………………………………

What parenting language have you learnt?

Exercise 4:

Write down two things you appreciate about the way that you were raised, and two that you don’t want to replicate.

I appreciate:

I don’t want to replicate:

Tuning your mindset

Exercise 5:

How would you describe your outlook, or mindset? Tick the words below that can apply to you. Which of these words describe an outlook that would be helpful to a parent of a new baby or a young family?

Optimistic
Rigid
Indecisive
Relaxed
Pessimistic
Determined
Perfectionist
Flexible
Thoughtful

The benefits and pitfalls of reactive parenting

Exercise 6:

Can you come up with a scenario where you have parented in a reactive way? Or where your own parents responded to you in a reactive way when you were a child? Share with your neighbour. What it might feel like to parent in a more receptive way?

______

Discussion questions

What struck you most about today’s talk?

How realistic do you think your expectations are/were for becoming a parent?

Do you have a stereotyped image of motherhood or fatherhood in your head? In what ways do you – or don’t you – expect to fit that stereotype?

What sort of gifts, skills or outlooks do you have that could be useful to you in parenting? If you have a partner, what are their gifts? How do your gifts complement each other’s?

TAKING IT FURTHER

Take time out this week to think further about the dreams that you have for your family. If you are in a relationship, discuss these with your partner. If not, share them with a parent or a trusted friend.

If necessary, find a trusted person who you could talk to about any persistentfears or concerns you have about having your baby or beginning family life. Arrange to speak to them this week.

To what extent do you feel pressure from others to parent your child (or children) in certain ways? How do you want to respond to their advice or opinion?

Session 2: Developing Relationships and Forming Attachment

Reviewing your relationships environment

[goldfish bowl illustration here]

The goldfish bowl analogy

Exercise 1:

Look at figure 3. Imagine that each fish represents a valuable pre-existing attachment, or relationship in your life.

List the names of the four most SUPPORTIVE and RESOURCING relationships in this new environment. ie. those that correlate to the four fish in closest proximity to the rock.

You may find this hard to do, but try not to be ‘fair’ or ‘nice’.

Developing a support network and investing intentionally

Exercise 2:

Look at the goldfish bowl diagram again.

1. Identify a relationship that costs you a lot – one that can exhaust you or tend to leave you feeling spent. Write it next to one of the fish in the bowl. Consider how you are going to manage that relationship in this new season of your life.

2. Which of the four positive relationships you listed in exercise 1 could you:

Call upon to help you in a time of family crisis
Ask for advice on parenting your baby or young children
Ask for help with practical baby care when you are tired and need a break?

These relationships are essential for your well being and for providing you with a network of support.

Making changes to your relationships

Exercise 3:

With a member of your group, try a role-play activity. Choose from the two options below (pick the one most likely to happen to you).

Your imaginary parent has just asked you to take them to your local town, so they can go shopping (the latest of a number of requests). You have been up since 5am and your baby needs feeding every few hours. Try to explain your emotional needs to this parent and how you feel your relationship needs to adapt to the presence of your new child. (Swap over once you have had a go).
Both you and your partner have been invited to go on friends’ hen/ stag parties, which have fallen on the same date. Explain to your friend why you will be unable to attend his/ her event.

What did you find hard? Did you feel you got your point across? Could you do it in real life?

The couple relationship

Communication

Below are Gary Chapman’s five ‘love languages’ – five ways of communicating love.[1]

Exercise 4:

Look at the above list, and tick the two that you feel best describe your ways of giving and receiving love. Now discuss with your partner or a neighbour which of your love languages might be affected by the arrival of a baby? Which ones will be easiest to express in this season of life?

Exercise 5:

In pairs or as a group, discuss ways in which you envisage developing a healthy attachment with your child. There are few wrong answers so be as creative as you can.

List below three ways in which you might build attachment with a baby:

______

Discussion questions

1. What struck you most about today’s talk?

2. Which of your relationships or friendshipsdo you anticipate being most impacted by becoming a parent, or adding another child to your family?

3.Brainstorm three ways to have quality, enjoyable time as a couple with a young baby.

4. What might damage or prevent the formation of attachment between a parent and their baby?

TAKING IT FURTHER

1. Identify two parents with children older than yours. This week, ask them to share with you the two best and two most difficult things about the early stages of parenthood. What can you learn from their experiences?

2. Have you got some quality time with your partner or close friends planned for this week? What could you do to ensure that you build some time into your schedule to talk together?

3. Read up about ‘attachment parenting’ online, or in some books about baby care. What do you think about this approach?

Session 3: Developing a Vision for your Family’s Future

Don’t miss the wood for the trees…

Exercise 1:

Spend a few minutes making bullet points about the family destination that you desire. It doesn’t need to be a beautifully crafted statement, just a general sense of where you want to be as a family 10 years from now. Try to avoid setting material targets such as ‘we want to become wealthy’ or ‘we want our children to achieve top grades’, but instead consider making values and character your destination.

E.G.I would like our destination to be:

Confident kids who have a sense of adventure
John and I having a good balance between work and home life
For there to be laughter and fun around our home.

My family destination bullet points:

Troubleshooting for new parents

We have identified three practical areas in which new parents often find themselves needing to adjust and make significant decisions.

Lifestyle choices

Less money

Career decisions

Exercise 2:

Which of the above three issues (Lifestyle choices, less money or career decisions) do you anticipate being the greatest challenge for you in the next year? What steps could you take now to prepare?

Exercise 3:

Look at the questions in the below list. Underline any that you haven’t already considered, or discussed with your partner.

To what extent will your baby’s sleeping routine shape your evening activities?
Would you take your young baby out to a restaurant in the evening and let him/her sleep in a moses basket?
Could you take it in turns to go out with your respective friends?
Is there a family member/ friend who you could ask to babysit for you once monthly?

While going out and socialising is great fun, we have found that nothing is as important for our relationship as regular evenings spent together (when the children are sleeping!)

Unexpected emotions

Guilt

Exercise 4:

In pairs or as a group, discuss what encouragement or advice you would give a mum or dad of young children who was struggling with guilty feelings.

Exercise 5:

Creating a culture in your home

A culture that has values not achievements as its underpinning feature, (My baby will feel secure, loved and nurtured in this home.)

A culture that is flexible and allows for ‘mistakes’, changes in direction and changing pressures. (I haven’t been able to do all I would have liked today, but that’s OK, I have done well.)

A culture that is affirming of the gifts and interests of everyone involved in the home.

A culture that is discerning of the unhelpful and unwelcome interventions of others, and is able to establish boundaries of protection.

A culture that enables and supports the journey toward the fulfilment of our family destination.

Exercise 5:

With your partner or someone from your group, discuss the above concept of developing a culture in your home. Try and identify which of the above five you would find easiest to establish and why.

Then identify you would find hardest to establish and support within the context of your home. What specific values would you want to be part of your own family culture?

Exercise 6:

Fill in your feedback forms to help you consolidate what you’ve learnt, and what you want to focus on as you finish this course.

Discussion questions

1. What struck you most about today’s talk?

2. What pressuresmight divert you from journeying towards your family destination?

3. What lifestyle choices do you anticipate needing to make for the sake of your relationship, child or children?

4. Discuss what you could do to keep on learning about parenting in the future.

TAKING IT FURTHER

1. Take time to discuss your thoughts and ideas for getting enough sleep when you have a baby present. If you already have a baby, how well are you managing sleep issues?

2. What career and finance related challenges are currently arising in this stage of life? What do you need to do next to make progress in these areas?

3. Think about one individual, couple or family who have a family culture that you enjoy and respect. What do you like about their approach? What have you learned from them?

Harry Benson, Let’s Stick Together (Lion Publishing, 2010)

Stacey Cockrell, Cathy O’Neill and Julia Stone, Baby-proofing Your Marriage: How to Laugh More, Argue Less and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows (HarperCollins, 2007)

John and Anne Coles, Making More of Marriage(New Wine International Publishing, 2000)

J. John, Marriage Works (Authentic 2002)

Nicky and Sila Lee, The Marriage Book (Alpha International, 2009)

Elizabeth Martyn and Relate, Baby Shock! Your relationship survival guide (Vermillion, 2001)

Rob Parsons, The Sixty Minute Marriage (Hodder and Stoughton, 2009)

Glenn and Natalie Williams, Your Relationship can Survive a Newborn (Focus on the Family International, 2004)

Parenting alone:

Kevin Leman, Single Parenting That Works: Six Keys to Raising Happy, Healthy Children in a Single-Parent Home (Tyndale House Publishers, 2006)

Diane Louise Jordan, How to Succeed as a Single Parent (Hodder and Stoughton, 2003)

Cheer Trust,

Gingerbread,

Care for the Family,

Postnatal depression

Acacia Family Support,

The Association for Post-Natal Illness,

Meet a Mum Association,

Mind and Soul,

7. Exploring your spirituality as a parent:

Rachel Barton, 4a.m. Madonnas: Meditations and Reflections for Mothers and Mothers-to-be (SPCK, 2007)

Catherine Butcher, A New Mum’s Special Gift (CWR, 2010)

Anna France-Williams and Lucinda van der Hart, Soul Food for Mums (IVP, 2011)

John Hudson Tiner, Prayers and Promises for Dads (Barbour Publishing, 2005)

Laura Martin, The Mother who Seeks After God: Daily Devotions for Busy Mums (Christian Focus, 2007)

Lindsay Melluish, New Baby: Bible Readings for Special Times (Bible Reading Fellowship, 2006)

Naomi Starkey, Good Enough Mother: God at Work in the Challenge of Parenting (Bible Reading Fellowship, 2009)

Alie Stibbe, Barefoot in the Kitchen: Bible Readings and Reflections for Mothers (Bible Reading Fellowship, 2004)

Further Family Time courses

The Family Time Parenting Children Course by Mark and Lindsay Melluish

The Family Time Parenting Teenagers Course by Paul and Christine Perkin

Family Time: New Parents Course Feedback form

Name …………………………………………………..

Church …………………………………………………..

Please tell us briefly about yourself:

Are you male/ female?

Are you pregnant?

What age is your child/children?

Are you parenting alone?

Are you a stepparent?

Are you an adoptive parent?

Please give marks on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being poor, 5 being very good) for the sessions according to how helpful you found each one …

Session 1

Developing Helpful Attitudes for Parenting 1 2 3 4 5

Session 2

Developing Relationships and Forming attachment 1 2 3 4 5

Session 3

Developing a Vision for your Family’s Future 1 2 3 4 5

Please comment on the following:

Format of the sessions (including refreshments, length of sessions, small groups - size, make-up etc., balance between teaching and discussion)

What were the strengths of the course and were there any weaknesses?

Which of the topics addressed were the most helpful?

How have you benefited overall from leading Family Time: New Parents?

Any further comments?

[1] Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages (Northfield Publishing, 1992)