1.Models For Narrating A Past Event: A Football Match (1)
Why is it great?
It has a clear structure. It is divided into several paragraphs.
Each sentence explains an idea to us. It is easy to read and understand.
REMEMBER:The reader doesn’t know what the text is about. The writer does. The reader shouldn’t have to read it four times to guess its meaning.
We guess why the writer chose this event. It is relevant to her. It’s not just another boring homework. (The writes makes us feel this way. Has she tricked us?)
The writes uses connectors to knit the text together. We know what happened first and what happened later.
The writer shows her knowledge about the topic she has chosen. The text is about a sport. So, we find specific words related to that game.
King’s Cup Final 2015 by Fatima Waqar
On May 30, there was the King's Cup final between Football Club Barcelona and Athletic Bilbao. The match took place in The Nou Camp which is very close to where I live. My family decided to go there to watch the match. Before we set off, everyone wore a Barça t-shirt. When we arrived, there were plenty of people already there.
As soon as the players entered the playground, everyone started shouting and cheering. The match started very well because, before the halftime finished, Lionel Messi, a player of Barça, scored a goal. After the halftime, the opposite club players tried to cheat while playing and, as the consequence, that had a penalty. However, Barça players played hard and Neymar scored another goal. Despite of Barça effort, the opposite team managed to soccer a goal. Now, the score was 1-2. The public were shocked and nervous. Both teams continued playing hard and with some minutes to go, Lionel Messi scored. We won the King’s Cup final!
When we returned home, we were glad and we were feeling satisfied. If we hadn’t scored the third goal, we would have to play more carefully because if the other team had scored, they referee would have given us extra time. But now, we have won!
Let’s improve it
Nothing is perfect. We improve something when it’s worth our while. Good gets better and better. If we are lucky, bad becomes less bad. If we are not, bad becomes worse.
Let’s add new words in blue.
Let’s add punctuation or change linkers in green.
Let’s add more complex structures (to get a higher grade)in orange
King’s Cup Final 2015 by Fatima Waqar (EXTENDED VERSION)
The King's Cup final between Football Club Barcelona and Athletic Bilbaowas held on May 30. The match took place in The Nou Camp, which is very close to where I live. My family decided to go there in order to watch the match. Before we set off, everyone wore a BarçaT-shirt. When we arrived, plenty of people had already arrived.
As soon as the players entered the pitch, the crowd started shouting and cheering. The match started very wellfor usbecause, before the first half finished, Lionel Messi, a player of Barça, scored a goal. After the halftime,our opponents managed to cheat. As a consequence, the refereeconcededan unfairpenalty. However, Barça players played hard and Neymar scored another goal. Despite Barça efforts, the opposite team managed to scoreagoal. Now, the score was 1-2. The crowdwere shocked and nervous. Both teams kept onplaying hard and with some minutes to go, Lionel Messi scoredagain. When the referee whistled the end of the match, we realized we had won the King’s Cup final!We felt exhilarated!!!
While we were walking home, we were glad and we were feeling satisfied. If we hadn’t scored the third goal, we would have hadto play more carefully because if the other team had scored, they referee would have given us extra time. Luckily, it didn’t happen. But now, we have won!The King’s Cuptrophy is ours!
How can we improve a great text?
We should add other structures and other tenses.
We should try to use specific vocabulary. We should avoid words which are similar to Spanish or Catalan.
How can’t we improve a great text?
We shouldn’t change our style or make it darker.
We shouldn’t use words or structures we are not confident with.
REMEMBER:
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