MIDDLE-AGED WIDOWHOOD1
Widowhood: Struggles Facing the Middle-Aged Adult
Chris Kelnhofer
Northcentral Technical College
Widowhood: Struggles Facing the Middle-Aged Adult
Losing a spouse to death can be a very difficult situation. Most people realize when they get married that someday they have a 50/50 chance they will have to say goodbye to their spouse that passes away before them. As marriage vows say, “Until death do us part.” But how many take those vows as young adults and consider that “death will do them part” from their spouse in middle adulthood? Most couples have dreams of growing old together, raising children to lead productive lives of their own, and spending the “golden years” enjoying each other’s company. What if that doesn’t happen? What if a spouse passes away in their late 30’s, 40’s or early 50’s? These are the ages that couples will still typically be in their working years, have children at home, and may even be taking care of their own parents.
This subject is special to me, as I am a widowed female in the middle adulthood group. I was widowed at the age of 40, in 2012, when my husband of nearly 20 years passed away, and left me with our 2 children, who were 8 and 12 at the time. I felt our textbook did not adequately address people in my situation. In order to seek answers, I did a variety of research for this project, and also conducted a survey of my cohorts from an online widow support group I belong to. Those responding to the survey were all female, and ranged in age from 36 to 43. All of them, except one, had children still at home and had been married anywhere from 3 to 22 years prior to their husband’s death. I’ve also used my own experiences to help guide this project.
There is a lot of statistics and information available regarding death of a spouse in the older adulthood stage. For instance, in 2009, in the United States, of those people aged 65 and older, 13 percent of men were widowers, and 41 percent of women were widows (Santrock, 2014). Grief groups for older spouses can be found in nearly every community. Even the American Association of Retired Persons has adopted a group that provides support,which is visible in many communities. This is referred to as the Widowed Persons Service (Santrock, 2014).
However, when it comes to finding similar information, and support groups for those that are widowed in middle adulthood, it is not as easy. Finding statistics was not an easy task, but according to a 2009 U.S. Census Bureau report, of all people married at least once, in the 40-49 age group, approximately 1.6 percent of men and 3 percent of women had been widowed (Krieder & Ellis, 2011). This may seem like a small percentage, but it equates to approximately 15 million women and 5 million men in the ages of 35-49 that have been widowed (Bluethmann, 2012). Support groups are also not as prevalent as they are for the older adult. According to a middle-aged widowed psychotherapist, who was interviewed for an article (Bluethmann, 2012), she found a large lack of resources for young widows and widowers. This is what caused her to pursue a career in psychotherapy after the death of her husband, so that she may use her experiences to help counsel others. In my own survey completed for this project, and my own personal observation, I see a definite need for support groups geared towards younger adults, but they are far and few between. It seems easier to find sources over the internet, but “in person” groups are not very common. Other than individual counselling, many of the people I polled in my survey also stated that there just weren’t any resources for those being widowed in middle-age. Attending “regular” spousal grief groups is possible, but as several people in the article “Losing a Spouse: Moving Forward as an Only Parent” suggested, middle-aged widows and widowers do not have much in common with the 75-year old widow, who had been married for 50 years (Bluethmann, 2012). One of the most notable differences is that the 75 year old is no longer raising children, as the middle-aged person could be. This adds a whole new dynamic to widowhood.
Raising children as an “only parent” is a different dilemma than being a “single parent.” Many times, a single parent is co-parenting with the other parent, or ex-spouse. This relieves each parent from some of the parenting duties. This is not so with a parent who has lost the child’s other parent due to death. Several comments from my survey show proof of this. One widow states, “On top of grieving, I am trying to help him (her son) and it just seems overwhelming.” Another states, regarding childcare, “There’s no rest and no breaks. Even when I’m sick.” My own experience has proven to be exhausting. I am the sole homework helper, food preparer, kid taxi, nurse, personal shopper, counselor, financial consultant and main breadwinner, along with the head of the household, who is in charge of all decisions and making sure the roof over our heads stays in decent shape. All the household jobs my husband used to do are now mine, too, in addition to what I was already taking care of. I feel like I am perpetually playing catch-up every day, just to stay on top of the priorities. Taking care of your own emotional state and processing your own grief takes a back seat when faced with so much to do.
So what should an only parent do to try and alleviate some of the stress, work, and allow time to grieve properly? The first obvious solution would be to employ friends and family to help out. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child. And while this may be a good solution for some only parents, some do not get to enjoy in this possibility. Only half of those I surveyed indicated that they receive consistent help from family or friends. My own personal situation is that I get some help from friends, but very littlehelp from family. What are the reasons why family and friends might not be available to help? Most commonly, lack of help is due to the transient society we live in today. Many young widowed people live far away from family and friends (Bluethmann, 2012). My own experience and those I surveyed had the same response. It should be noted that some of the help is plentiful right after the death occurs, but fades away as everyone returns to their “normal” lives, leaving the widowed adult to figure it out on their own, during a time when the most help is usually needed.
A more interesting reason for lack of help from familyor friends is that of a strained relationship stemming from the death, or the grief associated with the death. According to one woman in my survey, “My in-laws are just in their own grief, so they don’t see how I struggle.” Sometimes death of a loved one makes others around the remaining spouse uncomfortable and unable to know what to say or do to help, so they just choose to do nothing. Many live with the fear of bringing up the death, for upsetting the other person. Everyone handles grief differently, and sometimes it can be seen that rather than a death bringing people closer together, it pulls them apart. My own experience with little help from either my family or my husband’s family is just that. Our personal relationships have been distanced due to my husband’s death, and how everyone is choosing to handle their grief. For some, it is healthy, for some, it is not, but either way, it prevents me from getting much help from family members.
Perhaps another interesting solution to the overwhelming stress is re-assessing the work situation. For many only parents that were working full-time prior to their spouse’s death, this becomes an additional burden to finding time to fit everything in. According to my survey, 25 percent work full time, 25 percent do not work at all, and 50 percent work part-time. Fifty percent of those surveyed lessened their working hours after the death of their spouse. I continued to work at my full-time job for nearly 2 years after my husband passed away, but eventually had to reduce to part-time to gain more time for myself, my children, and the flexibility I needed to maintain a “normal” life for me and my children. According to the article, “Losing a Spouse: Moving Forward as an Only Parent,” one woman never returned to her full-time job and took a few years off. She and her husband had made smart financial decisions, and she felt lucky to not have to work after losing her husband (Bluethmann, 2012).
But what about those that have to continue to work after losing a spouse? And what does the financial picture look like after becoming widowed during middle-age? Some may lose benefits such as medical insurance if their spouse was the person who carried it. Purchasing insurance for oneself and children may now become an expensive proposition. Governmental aid may be difficult to receive, due to a large amount of assets left over, even when a consistent monthly income is no longer coming in. Home repairs may need to be put off due to lack of funds. College education funds may need to be depleted to pay for other necessities. In some cases, some have had to go back to work, or take on extra jobs and some have even lost their homes. Many young couples didn’t have life insurance because they didn’t think they needed it yet (Bluethmann, 2012). These are all issues that the person in middle adulthood probably has not considered having to face, whereas an older adult may have planned ahead for financial stability after the death of their spouse.
Perhaps the hardest issue to address after the death of a spouse in middle adulthood would be the grieving process and emotional well-being. Most in this age group not only have to grieve the loss of their co-parent, spouse and best friend, but they have to help a child grieve, as well (Bluethmann, 2012). The issues this age group faces are largely different than that of an older adult. Older adults may find solace with other similarly aged adults going through the same thing. Middle-aged adults, however, do not have many, if any, friends that have gone through this experience and can understand. Many in this age group find they are lonely, and as one survey respondent suggested, “This is a time when I could use friends, but most do not understand and so I avoid them. It is a catch-22.” Friendships may change, or even be lost after the death of a spouse, because the remaining spouse is no longer part of a “couple.” Many of the activities that were participated in prior to the death were with other couples. Much thought is put into the future, and what life milestones the deceased spouse won’t witness, and the sadness the remaining family members feel because of this. Graduations, college, weddings, and grandchildren are only some of the areas a loved one will be missed. The older widowed adult has likely already lived through these events while the spouse was alive, so this is a thought process attached to the middle-aged widow.
How should a middle-aged widowed adult handle these emotions? Stress is known to compromise the immune system (Bluethmann, 2012), so it is very important that help be sought out. One of the psychotherapists in the article “Losing a Spouse: Moving Forward as an Only Parent” states, “Seek support in any way that you can. Get into therapy.” (Bluethmann, 2012). Routine is very important for some, and stepping back into the normal work routine may be helpful. One respondent in my survey says that “Work is somewhat of an escape.” This proves that keeping busy may be the key to not dwelling on the situation, although as shown through this study, middle-aged widowed adults probably don’t have to worry about too much idle time. However, what this does mean is that relaxation time is important, and doing activities that one enjoys, rather than things that have to be done, will help lift emotions.
Lastly, what about dating for the middle-aged widow or widower? This age group is considered young enough to find another partner and live a long life with that individual; however, this task may seem daunting for some, or even not acceptable. Results from my survey show that half of my respondents have dated, even seriously, since their spouse passed away. It should be noted that those that have not dated are relatively “new” widows. Comments from both sides seem to state that having someone in their life helped to make them happier, or on the flip side, even thinking of dating someone else makes them ill. Remarriage is relatively common, and for those that have remarried, it seems that they feel people who have loved and who have been in strong relationships want to love again, but the timing needs to be right (Bluethmann, 2012). For many, the thought of living a majority of their life alone is the reason they begin to date, once they can get over the hurdle of the awkward and stressful feelings it generates.
There really is no common time to begin dating for this age group. Some date within a few months, some wait several years. Some wait until children have left the house, so as not to make the children feel that their missing parent is being “replaced.” As one mother told her child, in efforts to smooth over uncertainty about her dating, “The reality is that I’m a young person, and I’m not going to spend the rest of my life alone. I reinforce that it doesn’t mean that I don’t love her dad.” (Bluethmann, 2012). As for myself, my husband has been gone 2 years, and I still don’t feel the urge to date. I am very similar to my age group, however, in that I dread the thought of being alone the rest of my life, but right now, I’m working through my grieving, and trying to establish order to my life with my children. I am not ready to actively search for a companion, but I will take each day as it comes.
As my research shows, middle-aged adults who find themselves widowed have many struggles to contend with that older adults may not. Child-rearing, financial concerns, employment, home maintenance, changing family and friend dynamics, dating and emotional well-being are just some of the issues middle-aged widowed adults will face, in addition to the “normal” grieving process that anyone losing a loved one will face. Resources are not as plentiful for those in this age category.
Considering this subject touches home for me, I gained a lot of knowledge about how others in my age category are handling this situation. Many of us feel very alone, and that no one could possibly understand, but I have learned that there really are many others out there, just like me, and experiencing the same struggles I am. With few resources available, it does put into question my career path. As I venture through school, I see many avenues where I could use my human services education to help others. This research has opened my eyes to another possible avenue I could take. Perhaps my personal experience, coupled with the appropriate education can someday be used to help others. It is definitely worth thinking about.
References
Santrock, J. W. (2014). Essentials of life-span development. New York, NY: The McGraw-Hill Companies.
Bluethmann, J. G. (2012, July). Losing a spouse: Moving forward as an only parent. Retrieved from
Kreider, R. M. & Ellis, R. (2011, May). Number, timing, and duration of marriages and divorces: 2009. Retrieved from