When Tom Came To Dinner
Synopsis: The play is built as an episode of a TV show sitcom, it is meant to be a spoof off “Everybody loves Raymond” and show similar to that. These scenes are meant to be a staged version of this show’s pilot. The show basis around Susan and her son Tom’s family issues, Susan has to deal with her mostly normal Daughter in-law as Tom deals with his extremely un-normal Step Dad. This episode consists of Tom and Susan surprising each other with the news of them both being engaged. The plot of the show is developed towards the ending of the show as Susan, Her daughter, and her stepdaughter go out for a girls night, only to return intoxicated and claiming they have feelings for their new male friends.
Directed By: Mike Bates
Assistant Director: Tyler Jacobs
Written By: Tyler Jacobs
Song Lyrics By: Weezer
Editor: Ian MacKenzie
(Lights on stage)
(Stage set in house with dinner table and chairs stage left and chair with table stage right. Jennifer’s a 16 year old girl, with an attitude and soft presence; on couch reading magazine with phone to ear, HersisterJane is at table with PSP;Jane is a little punk who is boy crazy)
Jennifer: No Way! ... And he brought it to you? Four of them?!?!Oh just a minute Sarah, its Steven on the other line. Okay, yeah. It’ll be just a minute. (Clicks phone, pauses, smiles) Hello Steven. We still up for... Oh, oh, um... Sure, fine, yeah, alright. I hope your grandma feels better. Okay. Bye.
Jane: (laughs) did Steven’s grandma die? That would be sooo funny
Jennifer: (rolls her eyes) (pause) Yeah. Hey Sarah I’m back.
(Enters Susan, middle aged mother with a tad of gray in her hair, her mannerisms are soft and petite, and is dressed up to make herself look pretty, she is holding onto a bowl and a cooking spoon with cookie dough on it)
Susan: So... I couldn't help but over hear that your plans for this afternoon have changed.
Jennifer: Sorry Sarah, my mom's being a real stink. I have to go. (Hangs up phone)
Susan: Oh and Jane, did you fill out your grandma’s birthday card, she’s gonna be 60 in a week.
Jane: (Trying to kiss up to mom) That is crazy! How could a woman at that age have a twenty year old daughter?
Susan: Oh Jane! Stop it, you’re gonna make me blush.
Jennifer: (glares) Suck up.
Susan: (to Jennifer) So, your brother Tom is gonna be here for Christmas break!! Are you two both able to make it to dinner?
Jennifer: I guess. (Extreme mood switch) I Guess! Okay Mom! ILL GO! ILL GO! (Growls and exits door upstage center)
Jane: I know “I” can go tonight.
Susan: Oh good honey, now go freshen up before dinner. (She exits back into kitchen stage left) (Jane exits upstage center door)
(A knock at the stage left door, silence, a harder knock on the door)
Jennifer: (from offstage) Coming! (An even bigger knock on the door) (She enters) COMING!! (Biggest knock) What?!?
Tom: (she opens door) (there is tom, smartly dressed, and holding flowers, he is kind and loving, he is excited to see his sister, but she isn't excited to see him) Hey Sis! Alright, you have to keep it a secret. I want to surprise mom. (Pause) I GOT ENGAGED!
Jennifer: Yeah?
Tom: I got engaged!
Jennifer: So? (Walks off) Mom! Tom got engaged! (Exits upstage center)
(Susan re enters)
Susan: What did you say honey? (Sees tom) TOM! Honey come here! (They run and meet each other center stage and hug) I'm so glad to see you!
Tom: Mom! I have a surprise for you!
Susan: (She grabs flowers) Oh they're lovely.
Tom: No, it's not the flowers. (Pause) (Tom turns and faces front door) Kate! (Kate enters;Kate is beautiful and also smartly dressed) I'm engaged!
Susan: OH! Tom!! Congratulations! She's beautiful!
Tom: Come and meet mom Kate. (Kate walks to them)
Kate: Hi, Mrs. Davis.
Susan: Oh, aren't you wonderful.
Tom: She was a girl scout just like you
Kate: Yep I got a gold rank.
Susan: Hey me too! Now, let me test you: You’re going through a subway and you see a homeless man on the ground who’s fainted; what do you give him?
Kate: Three CC’s of Hypo Shock Medicine
Susan: What if he has a kid with him?
Kate: Lollypop to keep the kid quiet during the procedure and flowers for the wife.
Susan: Wow, Tom, you certainly picked a winner. (She pulls toms aside) She’s not a Communist is she?
Tom: Oh no, no, she’s a normal American just the like the rest of us.
Susan: Good! Then I have a surprise for you.
Tom: Did you get elected prime minister?
Susan: No, I got en…
Tom: is the mail man dead?
Susan: No, I got en…
Tom: Is Mr. Coult…
Susan: Tom! Listen… (Calms down and smiles) I'm engaged too!
Tom: What? (Extremely shocked)
Susan: David Honey, come on out!
Tom: Mom! What happened to you and dad! I’ve only been gone for a few months. Why aren't you guys together anymore?
Susan: Well i don't want to blame it all on the economy, but it certainly didn't help.
(David enters) (David is oddly dressed, with tweed jacket and shorts, with a Def Leppard shirt)
David: You must be Tom! (He walks toward Kate and hugs her)
Susan: Oh no honey, that's Kate. This is tom!
David: Oh! Ha-ha! Whatan unfortunate misunderstanding! Hey! I sound like my second grade teacher! Hahaha
(Jennifer and Jane re enter)
Jennifer: That wasn't funny David.
David: How many times have I told you,Jinn? Call me Dad?
Jennifer: No.
Susan: (steps aside and pulls Jennifer up to Tom and Kate) Jinn, did you hear the news! Look at Tom's soon to be wife!
Jennifer: (looks Kate up and down) You look like Mother Teresa.
Susan: Jennifer! Apologize to Kate.
Kate: Oh, no Mrs.Davis. It’s fine. I would be mad to if my brother brought home a girl.
David: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but... my meatloaf is gonna be done in a minute or two. So, we'll have to finish this conversation in a minute.
Tom: Oh, sure. Mr. uh....
David: Dad.
Tom: Sure, Mr.Dad.
David: You kids don't do anything crazy while I’m gone, like spray silly string everywhere, or start a cocaine business in the living room. Hahaha. (Exits into kitchen)
(Silence)
Tom: Those were two VERY different things.
Susan: Oh Tom, you'll really like him once you get to know him.
Tom: I’m sure I will.
Susan: I’m sure I’ll like Kate too. (They all smile) Well let's all sit down. (They all sit down at table leaving an open seat for David)
Jane: So… what do people think of hurricane Sandy?
Jennifer: Are you asking if we approve of it? Who would approve of a hurricane?
Jane: I was just making small talk! (They get louder)
Jennifer: No! You were making Dumb Talk!
Jane: Well you’re the one who has a One Direction CD hidden under your bed!
Jennifer: Yeah well you…
Susan: Enough, Jennifer. Let’s not ruin Tom’s trip.(Awkward silence) So Kate, what do you do?
Kate: Oh I’m a student at Grace County University.
Susan: Hey! I went to GCU! What are you majoring in?
Kate: I'm studying to get an art degree; I want to be an artist.
Susan: That's what I was studying, until this (motions at Tom) little bugger popped out.
Tom: See, I told you you'd like her mom.
Susan: Hey, do they still have Mr.Lodger there?
Tom: Come on mom, let’s not overwhelm her, and remember, curiosity killed the cat.
Jane: Actually, I killed the cat.
Kate: (silence) Um, no, Mr. Lodger retired before I got there.
Susan: Oh, okay.
(David re-enters)
David: My meatloaf burned. (Sad) (Goes over and sits down at table next to tom)
Tom: Oh, that's too bad! I love meatloaf.
David: Well it wasn't actually meatloaf; it was my own creation of stuff.
Susan: Hey David! Tell him what it is!
David: No, he would just laugh.
Tom: No, tell me.
David: Okay, well. I put cheese in between bread and then I grill it.
Tom: You mean grilled cheese?
David: See! I knew he wouldn't like it!
Tom: Oh no! No! It seems great!
David: No. Igetit. It’s fine. If you hate the idea, I understand.
Susan: Come on Tom. (Sighs)
Kate: Really tom. (Sighs) (Tom looks confused)
David: No worries. (Silence)
Tom: So, uh, David? What do you do?
David: Fish.
Tom: What? What do you mean fish?
David: I’m a huge fish fan, I like all types of fish, and you know, Tuna, Clams, The one in that little container, seagulls.
Tom: Well actually seagulls aren’t actually a fish
Jane: Whoa…..! I didn’t know we had mister‘I know a lot about fish’ over here! Ha-ha
Tom: (silence) So what exactly is your job, though.
David: (ignoring question) So Tom, I hope you don't mind, but until your mom and I get married, I’ve been sleeping in your room.
Tom: Oh no. That's fine. Of course.
David: Good, because, I thought the walls were kind of cluttered. So I just burned all your posters.
Tom: What?
Kate: Tom, be reasonable.
Tom: This is just goofy!
Susan: Tom! Watch you language!
David: Oh, and I got rid of a few old papers and stuff.
Tom: what papers?
David: I don't know, your high school diploma and stuff, it was taking up room.
Tom: But that was important.
David: Yeah but I needed the room.
Susan: Come on tom; I’ll buy you a new one.
Tom: But mom... Youcan’t. Okay. Fine. I guess I'm done with high school. I'm an adult now; I don't need to dwell on THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE!
(Silence)
(A few people take some drinks of the water that is sitting on the table) (It is quiet for at least 7 seconds)
David: Well… This is a little awkward now, but I also ended up burning everything else that was in your room.
Tom: What?!? (Stands up) What about my baseball cards?
David: Oh I sold them to get this jacket.
Tom: What?!?! That jacket is worth like 5 dollars!
Jane: Oh he got me one too though.
Tom: But my baseball cards were worth over 3 thousand dollars. They were really expensive!
David: Want to know what else expensive? (Pause) A hug.Give me a hug
Tom: No. No I’m not giving you a hug.
David: Come here
Tom: No
David: (smiling) Hey... Hey... Who's gonna be my little son in law?Who’sgonna be my little son in law?
Tom: No! No! (Rushes to upstage center door) Mom! I’m gonna go see if there’s anything else missing from my room! (Pauses) If my room is still there! (Exits door)
Jennifer: (silence)Is it just me, or was tom upset?
Jane: I think he was.
David: (jumps) Whoa! What just happened?I blacked out
Susan: Tom was yelling at you.
David: Oh no! I hope he's not upset. (Pauses) (Turns to Susan) Who’s tom?
Jennifer: Mom can I got to Bill’s house?
Susan: No honey you’re staying in.
Jennifer: You never let me do anything I want!
David: You don’t talk to your mother that way!
Jennifer: You’re not my dad!
David: You’re right, I’m not, but she’s your mother.
Jennifer: You guys are stupid! I’m leaving anyway! (Get’s up to leave)
David: Hey! Young lady, you have until 0 to be back in your seat! (Pause) 1,999… 1,998… 1,997… 1,996… 1,995…
Kate: (interrupts David, but not rudely) Hey, um,Jennifer is that right?
Jennifer: Yeah
Kate: Do you mind if i come with you?I think Tom might need some alone time with David.
Jennifer: Sure... (Growls) You better hurry up.
(Kate get's up from chair and follows after her, they exit)
Susan: She’s right; I need a night out myself! Wait for me! Jane and I are coming too! (She rushes to door) (Jane growls and walks out door slowly) (Susan stops at door and faces David) David, try to spend some quality time with Tom. I want us to be a big happy family.
David: (dramatically) As you wish.
Susan: Ohit's so sexy when you quote princess bride! (She exits out door) Wait for me guys!
(David walks over to couch and sits down, he begins reading book)
Tom: (Re-enters) Kate, do you mind if we head out now? (Pause, he looks around) Kate?
David: Oh, she left with Susan and Jennifer
Tom: What? Where'd they go?
David: Well, that part I’m not sure on, but they left so we could spend some time together.
Tom: Oh I knew Mom would do this!
David: Come over here tom, sit on my lap
Tom: No
David: Come on tom, I want to tell you a little story about a little boy not so different from yourself.
Tom: (sighs) I will sit next to you, not on you. (Sits on edge of chair)
David: Well tom, do you mind if I call Tomantha?
Tom: Don’t call me that.
David: Tom, I want you to know that, I’m not trying to be your new dad, but I am trying to replace your old one.
Tom: What?
David: Well it’s like when you upgrade your phone. You used to have that little phone with the wheel on it that everyone used to think was so cool, and now you’ve upgraded to aniPhone. Me.
Tom: You’re really relating yourself to an iPhone?
David: Yeah, you’re right.Maybe an iPad. (Pause)I just want you to know you can call me Dad.
Tom: Step
David: No, just dad.
Tom: But you’re my step dad, not my dad.
David: Who say’s I’m not both?
Tom: What are you trying to say?
David: Well son, I was living in a Buddhist colony for a period of time, and they told me: When you live life, you have three different paths to choose: there is a Buddhist priest, aBuddhist follower, or Tom’s dad. I chose Tom’s dad.
Tom: (angry)They did not say that in your Buddhist colony!
David: Were you there Tom?
Tom: No, but they wouldn’t say being my father was the only other path besides being a priest or a follower.
David: You have a lot to learn about being a Buddhist, Tom.
Tom: (silence) (he shakes his head) (mumbles) Buddhists don’t even have priests.
David: (silence) You know, I’m sorry. I think we started off on the wrong foot. Here let’s restart.
Tom: (sighs) (pauses) (looks at David and smiles) Sure. (They shake hands)
David: Here, do you need any money?
Tom: Well I uh…
David: Here take it, this is 200 dollars.
Tom: Oh I couldn’t!
David: No! Take it.
Tom: Okay, thanks. (Pauses) You know you’re nottoo bad! (looks at money) My mom was right about… (Notices money) This money has Hitler on it.
David: Yeah, it’s motivation money.
Tom: What?
David: In my family we get motivation money to motivate us to do something grand.
Tom: So it’s not actually worth anything.
David: It’s worth a lot.
Tom: Let me rephrase: can you buy anything with it?
David: Well actually I started a website for motivation money, and you get discounts and stuff. You can buy hugs, and sweet poems, you can get someone to whistle you your favorite TV show theme. (Whistles Andy Griffith theme) That one was for free. They are really worth more than gold.
Tom: It doesn’t end! There is literally nothing good about you is there? (He growls and exits upstage center door) (David stays in chair and looks sad, he gets up slowly and goes into kitchen)
(Lights go black)
(Lights come back on as Jennifer enters wearing same outfit she was before but with tiara on, Susan with a weird hat, Kate is dressed like a hippie, and Jane looks the same. There is three boys with the three girls, Jennifer has a guy dressed like Elvis, Susan has a boy has a little boy, and Kate has a hippie guy, they are all clearly intoxicated)
Susan: Jenny Bear! How come you never any-vited me to any of your older parties from before time! Jane! Go take the trash out.
Jane: I’ll do it later mom, I’ve had a rough night
Susan: Yeah, that’s what I said to the doctor when I was giving birth to you, “Sorry, doctor, I have to give birth later, I’ve had a rough night” (she sets keys down on table)
Tom: (tom re-enters) Mom! Kate! What are you guys wearing!
Kate: (bursts herself to front of pack) (she has her words mumbled) Hey Tom… You never make me feel pretty. And I feel pretty okay, is there something wrong with that? I am beautiful princess right now, and you never made me feel like that.
Tom: What? What are you talking about! Are you guys on some type of drug?
Jennifer: All they had was an Arnold Palmer. I’ve never seen people act like this from tea.
Hippy Guy: Hey! Watch how you talk to my fiancé, man.
Tom: What? But she’s myfiancée!
Hippy Guy: Whoa… You are extremely miss-informed little man.
Tom: Kate, come on; let me help you to the couch.
Kate: No! Okay! Hippy guy and I are running away okay!
(She grabs hippy guy and they run off)
Tom: Oh my gosh! (He sits down at table and begins breathing heavily)