What Children Exposed to Domestic Violence Need[1]
A physically safe, calm and predictable environment
Recovery and healing begin when the body and mind don’t have to focus constantly on predicting and preventing threats, and on protecting vulnerable siblings and adultsurvivors. If children are separated from siblings and/or adult survivors, they may need ongoing opportunities to see for themselves that these important people are ok and don’t need their help.
A psychologically safe, calm, and predictable environment
The experience of domestic violence is one of repeated violation of boundaries and regular changing of the rules. Routines and clear boundaries are very important. When the child believes the caregivers will enforce boundaries and keep them safe, and that the day to day is predictable, they can begin to devote resources to learning and growing.
Caregivers should respond to unsafe/inappropriate behaviors with calm and empathetic connectionfirst, so that the child knows they are safe even if you do not like their behavior. Consequences that isolate the child (time out), expressions of anger on the part of the caregiver, and the strong emotions that accompany “getting in trouble” may trigger trauma responses in these children that totally overwhelm their capacity to respond to or learn from otherwise appropriate consequences.
Help to identify and express their feelings
Because the batterer’s feelings were often the only ones that mattered, childen mayhave difficulty naming or expressing feelings. They need to be provided clear boundaries about how to express negative emotions in a way that doesn’t infringe on the rights of others, but these boundaries must be loving and safe.
Help to learn social skills, healthy coping skills, and problem solving skills
This might include bringing in a professional and learning with/alongside the child how to help them build these skills.
Choices- to build autonomy and independence
Freedom, permission, and support to be themselves!
Domestic Violence is trauma that happens in the context of a close relationship. Healing that trauma happens in the context of close relationships that are safe, respectful, warm, and reciprocal.
A safe, caring, consistent relationship with an adult caregiver is the most effective intervention.
Everyone involved in the child’s life should reinforce the following:
The drinking, drug use, and/or domestic violence of your parents/caregivers are NOT your fault. The behaviors of the abusive parent are NOT your fault and are NOT the fault of the adult victim.
Feelings don’t have to lead to substance abuse or to violence. Everyone can learn skills to manage feelings – even hard feelings – without hurting themselves or others.
It’s NOT ok to make someone feel bad so that you can feel good.
Caring about someone else should never mean you feel unsafe, feel pressure to do things you don’t want to, or feel badly about who you are. In healthy relationships, each partner is supported to be themselves and to love themselves!
Children who have mental health concerns (anxiety, depression, difficulty managing behavior) should be provided mental health support. Their caregivers should be very involved in their treatment. It’s ideal if the therapist or provider also understands the dynamics of DV.
This material adapted from several resources on the National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma and Mental Health website:
[1]Because Domestic Violence and Substance Abuse often co-occur, this information often references both