WHAT BEHAVIOURS MIGHT RESULT FROM ATTACHMENT ISSUES AND WHAT MIGHT YOU DO
Attachment Style / Behaviour / What this means for the child / What might you do?Avoidant (I’m okay, you’re not okay).
Submit / Withdrawn
Unable to make or keep friends
Bullies other vulnerable children / I have to rely on myself and nobody else. I respond to frightening
situations by fleeing. I don’t expect other people to like me. I
pretend to be strong by making other children do what I want. If I just sit here, you won’t notice me. I feel dead inside. / Introduce a buddy system. Consider “Circle of Friends” approach. Encourage the child to help around the school.
Convey to the child that you like and value them.
Recognise that I am hurting inside and might need help. Give them a place to connect with their strengths and interests– look for what they might be good at, but don’t always single them out.
Attachment Style / Behaviour / What it means to the child / What might you do?
Avoidant (I’m okay, you’re not okay).
Fight / Refusal of help with work / I was left helpless before. I’m not going to be left helpless again. I wish I could do this work. I wish you would notice how scary this all is. / Encourage work in pairs or small groups (but allowing/ manipulating so that the child has choice of who they work with). Ask the child to help another less able child (but only when they are feeling safe and have developed some level of self-regulation). Allow child to choose who they feel safe with to talk with. Tell the child about changes before they happen.
Attachment style / Behaviour / What it means to the child / What might you do?
Avoidant (I’m okay, you’re not okay) / Loses or destroys property / I have no sense of the value of anything. I have little interest in
things if they are not mine. I am angry and I take it out on things.
If I disrupt the class, I might be able to escape. I’m not as good as the others -you don’t really want me here. / Validate the child’s feelings “I can see you are angry” – emotion coaching. Help the child to repair/restore where possible – together. Restorative justice approaches.
Accept that the child may not know why they behaved the way they did and they might not remember what happened, as they were surviving a dangerous situation.
Attachment style / Behaviour / What it means to the child / What might you do?
Avoidant (I’m okay, you’re not okay)
Freeze / Unable to accept praise or have fun / I am not worthy of praise and you are stupid if you do not realise how bad I am.
I am a failure and not worth bothering about. I feel humiliated and embarrassed. / Do praise, do not be too effusive and be specific about the work, behaviour or achievement you are praising. Giving praise privately might be more acceptable.
Thumbs up or subtle indications that they have done well could be more acceptable.
Attachment style / Behaviour / What it means to the child / What might you do?
Avoidant (I’m okay, you’re not okay) / Physically or verbally abusive / I respond to frightening or threatening situations by fighting, freezing or fleeing.
/ Avoid threat of removal or rejection. “Time in” not “Time out”. If unavoidable, have them taken to a safe person or safe space (secondary attachment figure). Speculate out loud why it might have happened (emotion coaching), and do not expect the child to explain or to say sorry).
Attachment style / Behaviour / What it means to the child / What might you do?
Avoidant (I’m okay, you’re not okay) / Sulkiness and avoids eye contact / I don’t dare see what others think. I have no words to describe my feelings – looking sulky is a cover up.
I am a failure. I hate myself. I am scared. / Emotion coaching – think out loud what emotions the child may be experiencing. Build relationship by engaging through the task.
Opportunities for building trust with an adult. Allowing relative dependency with fun activities where the child has to follow the lead of the adult.
Attachment style / Behaviour / What it means to the child / What might you do?
Avoidant (I’m okay, you’re not okay) / Want to do tasks autonomously, and dislikes teacher proximity or input. / I see relationships as dangerous and intrusive. I am not worth much, if anything at all. I must not tell anyone how I feel. / Build relationships and build this through the task, allowing the young person to have a locus of control, plus peer marking and self-marking.
Allowing relative dependency with fun activities where the child has to follow the lead of the adult.
Attachment style / Behaviour / What this means for the child / What might you do?
Ambivalent (I’m not okay, you’re okay) / Labelled manipulative and may become isolated from peers. / I tell lies because sometimes I don’t know what is real and what isn’t. I have to protect myself by any means, I am always fearful. / Drama activities and role play different social situations.
Circle of Friends.
Accept that the child may not know why they said what they did and they might not remember what happened.
Attachment style / Behaviour / What this means for the child / What might you do?
Ambivalent (I’m not okay and you’re okay) / Talks all the time, asking trivial
questions / I feel safer if I do all the talking. I want to communicate but don’t
know how. / Have a set routine. Use visual timetable. Make sure all first tasks are simple and achievable. Seat child close to key adult. Use a timer for completing work independently and say when adult will return – stick to this – encouraging chid to wait through. Consistency.
Attachment style / Behaviour / What this means for the child / What might you do?
Ambivalent (I’m not okay and you’re okay) / Poor concentration, fidgeting, turning around. / I must scan the room at all times for danger.
I must stay hyper-aroused. I dare not relax. The task is dangerous and requires separation and leaving the adult. / Arrange seating so that there is no-one behind the child or so they can see the door, but they can still stay in contact with the teacher (or key adult). Laugh with the child, even at silly things. Gradually increase time working independently, without over-helping.
Attachment style / Behaviour / What this means for the child / What might you do?
Ambivalent (I’m not okay and you’re okay) / Stealing / I have no expectation of getting what I need, so I just take it. I have no idea that you may feel hurt or anger and when I see the effect I have, I feel powerful. This is how I get other kids to like me and what I do if I feel stressed and under pressure. / Don’t insist on “sorry”. Suggest an action that might repair the damaged relationship. Try to identify any stress factors around at the time. Support appropriate ways to build friendships. Consider emotional age and not chronological age.
Attachment style / Behaviour / What this means for the child / What might you do?
Ambivalent (I’m not okay and you’re okay) / In trouble at break times / I fear rejection by my peers. I cannot regulate my emotions when stressed. / Introduce tighter structures and supported activities at break times. Create inside (or outside) retreats and activities or roles (possibly nurture groups.)
Adult or older playground buddy to help engage child in games and interactions with others. Give responsibility for break times – setting up goal-posts, taking resources out of the shed and replacing them etc.
Attachment style / Behaviour / What this means for the child / What might you do?
Disorganised (I’m not okay, you’re not okay) / Refuses to engage in work / Getting things wrong is frightening. Being wrong could lead to rejection AGAIN. When I was younger, wires got connected in the wrong places in my brain. I often think and feel like I am under attack and cannot think clearly or remember what I should be doing. / Offer structured choices and use multiple choice, cloze procedures and sentence completion tasks. Make sure all materials are near to hand. Offer time with calming activities to re-engage the thinking brain.
Attachment style / Behaviour / What this means for the child / What might you do?
Disorganised (I’m not okay, you’re not okay) / Tries to create chaos and mayhem and may run around uncontrollably – emotionally operating at a developmentally younger age. / It feels chaotic inside, so it’s easier if it feels chaotic outside as well. Need to get out of here, I am in danger. / Focus on safety and calming the child through safe people, safe places, calmly responding and modelling self-regulation/sensory and OT activities. Access to team around the child (TAC).
Attachment style / Behaviour / What this means for the child / What might you do?
Disorganised (I’m not okay, you’re not okay) / Oppositional and defiant / I need to stay in control so things won’t hurt me. I do not want to be exposed as stupid. You are horrible, like all adults and don’t even like me. / Keep clear expectation and keep calm in your emotional responses. Emotion Coaching – wonder around what the child might be feeling and give a narrative around that.
Allow levels of choice – so maintains some control.
Model calm self-regulation.
REFERENCES:
- Teacher’s Introduction to Attachment – Nicola Marshall, Jessica Kingsley Publications, 2014
- Hertfordshire Council – Working With Adopted or Looked After Children in School - A Guide, 2011
- What Survival Looks Like in Secondary School – InnerWorld Works, 2017
- Louise Bomber – Inside I’m Hurting, Worth Publishers, 2007