Understanding Friendship*

For this project you will need to locate a child between the ages of about 6 and 12. Arrange with the parents to spend some time with the child, explaining that you want to talk to the child for a school project, and that this is not a "test" of any kind. Try to find a time and a place to be alone with your subject. It will not work as well if siblings or parents are present.

Say to the child something like, "I'd like to talk to you about friends. Let me tell you a story about some children who were friends." Then read the following story:

Kathy and Becky have been friends since they were 5 years old. They went to the same kindergarten and have been in the same class ever since. Every Saturday they would try to do something special together, go to the park or the store, or play something special at home. They always had a good time with each other.
One day a new girl, Jeanette, moved into their neighborhood and soon introduced herself to Kathy and Becky. Right away Jeanette and Kathy seemed to hit it off very well. They talked about where Jeanette was from and the things she could be doing in her new town. Becky, on the other hand, didn't seem to like Jeanette very well. She thought Jeanette was a showoff, but was also jealous of all the attention Kathy was giving Jeanette.
When Jeanette left the other two alone, Becky told Kathy how she felt about Jeanette. "What did you think of her Kathy? I thought she was kind of pushy, butting in on us like that."
"Come on, Becky, she's new in town and just trying to make friends. The least we can do is be nice to her."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean we have to be friends with her," replied Becky. "Anyway, what would you like to do this Saturday? You know those old puppets of mine, I thought we could fix them up and make our own puppet show."
"Sure, Becky, that sounds great," said Kathy. "I'll be over after lunch. I better go home now. See you tomorrow."
Later that evening, Jeanette called Kathy and surprised her with an invitation to the circus, the last show before it left town. The only problem was that the circus happened to be at the same time that Kathy had promised to go to Becky's. Kathy didn't know what to do, go to the circus and leave her best friend alone, or stick with her best friend and miss a good time. (from Selman, 1980, p.321-322)

After reading the child the story, you need to ask some open-ended questions, and then probe the child's understanding of friendship. You may want to review what your textbook says about how children of various ages see friendships, so you know what to look for. Transcribe your child's answers as close to verbatim as you can. (Tape them if that will help.)

Open Ended Questions

  • 1. What do you think the problem is in this story?
  • 2. What do you think Kathy will do, choose to be with her old friend Becky, or go with the new girl, Jeanette? Why?
  • 3. Which do you think is more important, to be with an old friend , or make new friends? Why?
  • 4. Do you have a best friend? What kind of friendship do you have with that person? What makes that person your best friend?

Based on the child's answers, you may then want or need to probe as follows: (You will probably not need to ask all these questions. Be selective, depending on your child's comments.)

Probes

  • 1. What kind of friendship do you think Kathy and Becky have? Do you think it is a good or close friendship? What is a really good, close friendship? Does it take something special to have a very good friendship? What kinds of things do friends know about each other?
  • 2. What does being friends for a long time, like Kathy and Becky, do for a friendship?
  • 3. What makes close, good friendships last?
  • 4. What kinds of things can good friends talk about that other friends sometimes can't? What kinds of problems can they talk over?
  • 5. What makes two friends feel really close to each other?
  • 6. What's the difference between the kind of friendship Becky and Kathy have and Kathy and Jeanette's friendship? Are there different kinds of friendship? What's the difference between "regular" and "best" friendship?
  • 7. Is it better when close friends are like each other or different from each other? Why? In what way should good friends be the same? In what way should they be different?
  • 8. Which is better to have (be with) - one close friend or a group of regular friends? Why?

Analysis

Compare your child's answers to the levels of social understanding described in your handout. At what level does the child appear to be reasoning? Type up a 2 to 3 page summary and analysis, including; a brief description of who you observed, under what circumstances, and when; and how what you did in this project relates to what is covered in our textbook. INCLUDE A COVER PAGE WITH THE PROJECT NUMBER, TITLE, AND YOUR NAME. ATTACH YOUR NOTES ON THE CHILD'S ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS YOU ASKED TO THE BACK OF THE WRITE-UP.

R L Selman � 5 Stages of Friendship

Another perspective of children�s friendship development is that of Robert Selman (Asher & Gottman, 1981). Selman's theoretical approach is based on the model of Jean Piaget and the constructivist view (Rubin, 1980). Selman views that �social awareness develops in a series of stages� and each of these stages involves �reorganisation of mental elements by the child� (Rubin,1980):

Stage 0: / (3 � 7 year olds)
�Momentary physicalisticplayments� (Momentary physical playmates). A close friend is one who may live nearby and who the child is playing with at that moment (Asher & Gottman, 1981). There is no clear conception of an�enduring relationship� other than �specific encounters�. (Rubin, 1980)
Stage 1: / (4 � 9 year olds)
�One-way assistance� - A friend is someone who does something that pleases you. A close friend is someone that you know better than other people (Asher & Gottman, 1981).
Stage 2: / (6 � 12 year olds)
�Fair-weather cooperation� - There is �a new awareness of interpersonal� relationships. (AsherGottman, 1981). Friendship becomes reciprocal, but is still focusing on �specific incidents� rather than an enduring relationship (Rubin,1980).
Stage 3: / (11 � 15 year olds)
In the transformation from stage 2 to this stage, children reflect on �intimacy and mutuality� within a �continuing relationship� (Rubin, 1980)
Stage 4: / (12 � Adulthood)
Perspectives can be shared between two people on common interests and deeper feelings. Perspectives among people form a network, which in turn become generalised (Asher & Gottman, 1981).

Selman's 5 stages of perspective taking:

Stage / Description
0: Undifferentiated / Recognition of self vs. others, but frequently confuse perspectives
1: Social Informational / Different perspectives come from different information
2: Self-Reflective / Can reflect on how another may view them; can take the other's point of view.
3: Third-Party / Can reflect on how a third party may view both self and another
4: Societal / Can reflect on how society as a whole may influence individuals' perspectives

Very young children don't understand that other people have different feelings and experiences from their own. But this perspective-taking ability develops over time until it is quite sophisticated in adults. Robert Selman, a psychoanalyst, developed a five-stage model to describe the development of perspective-taking.
Consider the following:

Holly is an 8-year old girl who likes to climb trees. She is the best tree climber in the neighbourhood. One day while climbing a tree she falls off the bottom branch but does not hurt herself. Her father sees her fall, and is upset. He asks her to promise not to climb trees anymore, and Holly promises.
Later that day, Holly and her friends meet Sean. Sean's kitten is caught up in a tree and cannot get down. Something has to be done right away or the kitten may fall. Holly is the only one who climbs trees well enough to reach the kitten and get it down, but she remembers her promise to her father.

If children of different ages are presented with this situation and asked such questions as, "If Holly climbs the tree, should she be punished?" "Will her father understand if she climbs the tree?" "Will Sean understand why Holly has trouble deciding what to do?" the children will give answers relevant to their age group:

  • Undifferentiated perspective-taking
    Age: 3-6
    Description: Children recognize that the self and others can have differentthoughts and feelings, but they frequently confuse the two.
    Response: The child predicts that Holly will save the kitten because she does not want it to get hurt and believes that Holly's father will feel just as she does about her climbing the tree: "Happy, he likes kittens."
  • Social-informational perspective-taking
    Age: 5-9
    Description: Children understand that different perspectives may result because people have access to different information.
    Response: When asked how Holly's father will react when he finds out that she climbed the tree, the child responds, "If he didn't know anything about the kitten, he would be angry. But if Holly shows him the kitten, he might change his mind."
  • Self-reflective perspective-taking
    Age: 7-12
    Description: Children can "step in another person's shoes" and view their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviour from the other person's perspective. They also recognize that others can do the same.
    Response: When asked whether Holly thinks she will be punished, the child says, "No. Holly knows that her father will understand why she climbed the tree." This response assumes that Holly's point of view is influenced by her father being able to "step in her shoes" and understand why she saved the kitten.
  • Third-party perspective-taking
    Age: 10-15
    Description: Children can step outside a two-person situation and imagine how the self and other are viewed from the point of view of a third, impartialparty.
    Response: When asked whether Holly should be punished, the child says, "No, because Holly thought it was important to save the kitten. But she also knows that her father told her not to climb the tree. So she'd only think she shouldn't be punished if she could get her father to understand why she had to climb the tree." This response steps outside the immediate situation to view both Holly's and her father's perspectives simultaneously.
  • Societal perspective-taking
    Age: 14-Adult
    Description: Individuals understand that third-party perspective-taking can be influenced by one or more systems of largersocietalvalues.
    Response: When asked if Holly should be punished, the individual responds, "No. The value of humanetreatment of animals justifies Holly's action. Her father's appreciation of this value will lead him not to punish her."

As children mature, they take more information into account. They realize that different people can react differently to the same situation. They develop the ability to analyze the perspectives of several people involved in a situation from the viewpoint of an objectivebystander, and they can even imagine how different cultural or social values would influence the perceptions of the bystander.