To: All American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et al.
To: All American conservatives, reactionaries, fascists and Palin supporters.
From: John J. Wall - a Conservative American
From: John Q. Public - An American Progressive and Obama supporter
Dear Liberals, Leftists, and Socialists:
Dear Conservatives, fiscal & social:
We've stuck together since the late 1950's, but the latest election process and your bailout stimulus plan has made me realize that I want a divorce.
Although we've tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, the sad truth is that the relationship between conservatives and liberals has run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America can not and will not ever agree on what is right. Therefore let's just end it on friendly terms. You go your way, and I'll go mine.
We can smile, chalk it up to irreconcilable differences, shake hands, and go our own way. But to do that, we'll need a "Separation Agreement." I drawn one up. I hope you agree with it.
SEPARATION AGREEMENT PROPOSAL
I propose that our two groups - Conservatives and Liberals - equitably divide up the country by land-mass, each of us taking approximately 50% of the total square miles. I'll concede that this is the most difficult part of the separation agreement, but I'm sure our two sides can come to terms.
We don't even want 50%. Just give us all the Blue States. That will give us both coasts and you get the big space in between. Sorry, no more vacations in Hawaii. And don't be surprised if New Orleans want's to be with us.
After that's done, the rest should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
For example, us conservatives don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them! They're all yours!
No problem. Given that most Blue States are "donor" states, we'll get to keep all our taxes. Good luck getting any money out of FEMA next time the river floods or a tornado strikes your trailer park.
You are also welcome to take the liberal judges, the ACLU, the affirmative action crowd, the NAACP, and the National Organization of Women. We don't want any of them.
Thanks. No argument there.
We also don't want Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. You can have them.
Ditto.
Since you hate guns and war, we'll take the firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.
Just leave us "a well regulated militia."
Along with Pelosi and Reid, you can also have Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all of them).
We really don't want them either, but at least they've all got plenty of cash.
We'll take the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, McDonald's, and Wall Street.
Again, you're welcome to them.
You can have your beloved homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll take the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's, and rednecks.
But then who will clean your house and mow your lawn?
We'll take the Bibles. You can have all the copies of "Mein Kampf."
Fine. At least we will be able to recognize evil when it comes calling.
We'll take Fox News. You can have NBC, CNN, MSNBC, CBS, ABC and Hollywood. You can also have National Public Television.
Again, no argument from us on this one.
We get Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. You get have Al Franken and Keith Oberman.
Rush & Hannity? Take 'em. Please!!
You can make nice and kiss up with Iran and Palestine. We'll retain the right to invade and hammer the crap out of any country that threatens us.
Because "might makes right" and that has been working so well lately.
You can have the peaceniks, and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
Please clarify what you mean by "way of life".
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain.
Okay, but we get to keep Darwinism and Evolution too.
You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
So much for "allies".
We get the Hummers, SUVs, pickup trucks, motorhomes, oversized luxury cars, power boats, Harley Davidsons, and private airplanes.
No problem. You get Texas & Alaska, so it seems only fair.
You can have all of the 4-cylinder and hybrid vehicles. You get the mopeds. You can also have all the kayaks and canoes.
Again, no argument.
You can give every one of your people healthcare, if you can find any practicing doctors.
Maybe we'll out-source it to Canada.
We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
Goes with your Hummer & private plane.
We'll keep "God Bless America" and the National Anthem. You can have "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "KumBaYa", and "We Are the World".
At least we'll know the lyrics.
We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot.
That "trickle" you'll feel smells a lot like upper class urine.
And by the way . . . since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name, and our flag.
And since they so offend you, we'll keep science and the arts. If we are going to split, logic would dictate that we can't both have the same name & flag anyway, so in the spirit of giving, you can have them. But you will need to re-do the numbers of stars and stripes.
Would you agree to this? If so please pass this email along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots. If you do not agree, just hit delete.
In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
At least we will still have some friends.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall - a Conservative American
John Q. Public - American Progressive
P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, and Alec Baldwin. We don't want them either.
No more "30 Rock" for you.
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