------This less than five minutes of PG-13 material could potentially be filmed at any Starbucks, anywhere. ------
Driscoll Dummies in Boston
SETTING: A typical Starbucks. It is raining heavily outside. Ventriloquist Kevin (with shoulder length white hair and a white beard), Jerry (a Jerry Mahoney replica 40” puppet), and Doug the Talking Dog enter and proceed to sit at a table. Kevin and Jerry always wear matching attire. A pretty woman wearing a red dress and white pearls is seated at a nearby table. A coffee and bagel are to the left of her WiFi connected laptop. She is oblivious to the Driscoll Dummies and is typing very intently.
KEVIN
(speaking to the camera)
Hello everyone and welcome to Boston. We’re here today at Starbucks on the corner of Boylston and Tremont Street.
JERRY
(speaking sarcastically to Kevin)
Yeah, welcome to Boston… Nine feet of snow this winter…and now it rains almost every day… and today you forgot our umbrella.
DOUG THE TALKING DOG
(to the audience)
Uncle Kevin is very, very old and he forgets everything!
KEVIN
(speaking to Doug the talking Dog and Jerry)
Guys, I’m not that old. I didn’t come over on the Mayflower…
JERRY
Oh, was it Noah’s arc?
KEVIN
No, it wasn’t Noah’s arc… and I don’t forget everything.
JERRY
(Speaking to Kevin)
You forgot to buy the iPad… Remember that you wanted an iPad with that piano app?
JERRY LOOKS LEFT TO KEVIN AND THEN RIGHT TO THE AUDIENCE… MOVES EYES AND THEN LOOKS BACK AT KEVIN.
So you wouldn’t have to use your small battery operated piano anymore? Remember?
KEVIN
I didn’t forget… It’s just that I can’t really afford an iPad right now.
JERRY
(Speaking to Kevin)
You could if you were funnier.
JERRY LOOKS LEFT TO KEVIN AND THEN RIGHT TO THE AUDIENCE… AND MOVES EYES.
KEVIN
(speaking to Jerry)
Stop! I’ve taken a lot from you over the years…
JERRY
Yeah… and you kept every cent.
KEVIN
(Speaking to Jerry)
Stop! If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t talk…
DOUG THE TALKING DOG
(speaking to Kevin)
If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t eat. (pause) You’re just a hick from the sticks.
KEVIN
It’s true that I grew up in a very small town in Nebraska. My home town of Sumner, Nebraska had a population of 234…but we even had a zoo.
JERRY
Had?
KEVIN
Yes, unfortunately we had to close the zoo.
JERRY
(sarcastically)
What happened? Did the chicken die?
KEVIN
Enough! You’re going back in the suitcase…
JERRY
(upset and angry, speaking directly to Doug)
Not the suitcase! Doug always farts in the suitcase!
KEVIN LOOKS DIRECTLY AT DOUG THE TALKING DOG WITH A QUIZZICAL LOOK.
DOUG THE TALKING DOG
(Nodding his head and speaking directly to Kevin)
It feels good to fart.
JERRY
You must feel good ALL of the time…you have more natural gas than the entire state of Montana.
AT THIS POINT, THE PRETTY WOMAN STOPS TYPING AND LOOKS DISAPPROVINGLY AT BOTH JERRY AND DOUG. DOG THE TALKING DOG LOOKS RIGHT BACK AT HER.
DOUG THE TALKING DOG
(speaking directly to the pretty woman with a sexy growl )
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr… (pause) Have you ever dated any dogs?
WOMAN LOOKS DISGUSTED, PACKS UP HER STUFF AND BEGINS TO LEAVE STARBUCKS IN A HUFF. KEVIN IS EMBARRASED, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND AGAIN APOLOGIZES TO THE PRETTY WOMAN.
DOUG THE TALKING DOG
(speaking directly to the woman’s back)
Hey, don’t leave! Before you leave can I get your address?
KEVIN
(shaking his head and in a hushed voice)
Why do you want her address?
DOUG THE TALKING DOG
(speaking directly to the camera)
If she can spend her days at Starbucks and dress like that, she must be rich. I want her address so I can stalk her.
JERRY
I want her address too! Address… Uh, where are we again?
KEVIN
We’re here at the corner of Boylston and Tremont streets in Boston…
DOUG THE TALKING DOG
Yeah, where Boylston Street ends.
JERRY
(To the audience)
Uncle Kevin couldn’t find his end with both hands….
KEVIN IS EMBARASSED ANDUPSET WITH JERRY’S INAPPROPRIATE COMMENT. KEVIN STUFFS A WHITE HANDKERCHIEF IN JERRY’S MOUTH. JERRY VOCIFEROUSLY AND REPEATEDLY TRIES TO SHAKE THE HANDKERCHIEF OUT WHILE MUMBLING INCOMPREHENSIBLE WORDS (WHICH ARE MUFFELED BECAUSE KEVIN’S MOUTH IS CLOSED). AFTER JERRY QUITS STRUGGLING, KEVIN SHAKES HIS HEAD AND MAKES A SIGH OF RELIEF.
KEVIN
(speaking to Jerry)
Our time is almost up. If I take the handkerchief out, will you be quiet?
JERRY NODS HIS HEAD AND KEVIN REMOVES THE HANDKERCHIEF. DOUG THE TALKING DOG LOOKS FIRST AT JERRY AND THEN AT KEVIN.
DOUG THE TALKING DOG
(speaking very seriously only to Kevin)
Aren’t we almost out of time?
KEVIN
Yes! We need to close...
DOUG THE TALKING DOG
(interrupting and speaking to Kevin)
Do we have time for the dead guy joke? Did you forget that we always close with that?
KEVIN
(speaking to the camera)
Oh, yeah. Right... Steve Jobs changed the computer industry with Apple, the movie industry with Pixar, and the telecommunications industry with the iPhone. He reportedly also had the idea for the new iWatch. Before he died of cancer at the age of fifty-six, he was the 2005 commencement speaker at Stanford University. Hisadvice to the graduating class and I’m quoting: “Live each day as though it were your last…”
JERRY
(speaking to the camera)
And one day, you’re right!
FADE TO BLACK. THEN FADE TO ADDRESS ON SCREEN:
DriscollProductions.com
Kevin Driscoll
22 Driscoll Drive
Framingham, MA 01701
NEXT SCREEN: FADE TO BLACK. THEN FADE TO DRISCOLL PRODUCTIONS GROUP PHOTO WITH JESSICA, JERRY, KEVIN, LITTLE JERRY, UNCLE CHARLIE, DINO THE DINOSAUR,AND DOG THE TALKING DOG.
FADE TO BLACK. THEN FADE TO FINAL SCREEN:
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