Homework: period 1-2-4
Thesis practice: Comparing Egypt and Mesopotamia (Compare/Contrast)
Original: Egypt had a larger role of religion in their culture than Mesopotamia, although they both believed gods were the government.
Problem: awkward sentence structure
Revised: Although the role of religion in Ancient Egypt was more prevalent than that of Ancient Mesopotamia, they were similar in the belief that governmental power came from the gods.
Your turn:
Original: Ancient civilizations all had unique ways to build their cities, especially Mesopotamia and Egypt, they both had temples or ziggurats to worship gods.
Problem: scope is too broad/ not directed to question/ reader doesn’t care about all ancient civilizations just the two in the prompt
Revised: The ancient civilizations of Egypt and Mesopotamia built their cities in unique and different ways yet they both included places to worship their gods.
Your turn:
Original: Egypt and Mesopotamia have similarities like women taking care of children and differences like the fact that in Egypt women could rule.
Problem: missing what the actual prompt category is == gender roles/ too broad
Revised: Comparing gender roles in the ancient civilizations of Egypt and Mesopotamia shows similarities in how women took care of their families yet distinct differences are seen in the power women had in the separate governments.
Your turn:
Original: There are many religious differences and similarities between Egypt and Mesopotamia.
Problem: too broad and generic/ AP will not give points for merely restating the prompt
Revised: Even though both ancient societies in Egypt and Mesopotamia had theocracies, there were many differences in their religious beliefs and rituals.
Your turn:
Original: Mesopotamia and Egypt were early civilizations that started at different times, in different parts of the world. They had similar and dissimilar governmental structures that they used to control their people, such as using kingship, theocracies and the use of slavery.
Problem: unnecessary wordage/ awkward sentence structure
Revised: Both Mesopotamia and Egypt used similar governmental structures to control their people, however, there were strong differences in the areas of slavery and the authority of kings.
Your turn:
Original: Both gender roles of Egypt and Mesopotamia had limitations on who could do what but Egypt had equal rights.
Problem: overreaching---did all people really have ‘equal rights’?/ simplistic word choices
Revised: Gender roles in Egypt and Mesopotamia were fairly strict, but Egypt allowed women in some instances to have more rights in society than those who lived in Mesopotamia were allowed.
Your turn:
Original: Egypt and Mesopotamia are two completely different countries but have much in common, for instance they both get little rain while Egypt is located in the desert and Mesopotamian is located between two rivers.
Problem: Does not answer the question at all
Revised: ---go back and re-read the question----
II. Read supplemental handout and add the following topics to your notes notebook:
*Chavin
*Moche
*Cahokia
*Anasazi