The Witch’s Guide to Cooking with Children
By Keith McGowan
(adapted by Amy Fuller)
Henry Holt and Company, New York ©2009
Narrator 1 Narrator 2 Old Woman
Narrator 3 Narrator 4 Witch Fay Holaderry
Narrator 1: The old woman shook her head and said,
Old Woman: Aye my dear children, who has brought you here? Come on in and stay with me, no harm will come to you.
Narrator 2: She took both by the hand led them into her cottage.
Narrator 1: Hansel and Gretel lay down and thought they were in heaven.
Narrator 2: But the old woman only pretended to be nice.
Narrator 1: She was an evil witch who used her bread cottage to lure children in.
Narrator 2: Once the children fell into her clutches, she finished them off, cooked them and ate them.
Narrator 1: And for her, it was a merry holiday.
Fay: I love children. Eating them, that is.
Narrator 3: Witch Fay Holaderry has eaten quite a few children over the centuries.
Fay: You may wonder where I get them all. The answer is: I get them the traditional way. From parents, of course.
Narrator 4: You’d be amazed at how many parents have shown up at Fay’s with their children in tow.
Narrator 3: Or how many had written her requesting her to take their children begging please, please.
Narrator 4: One group of parents even rented a helicopter to find Fay.
Fay: I remember Derek Wisse, whose only fault was to fail math every year. And he was a horrible speller.
Narrator 3: His parents couldn’t understand it. They were both geniuses and they didn’t think it unreasonable that their child should be at least as smart as them.
Narrator 4: But, try as he might, Derek couldn’t succeed. He brought home Ds and Fs on every report card.
Fay: Derek was a great disappointment to his parents but he didn’t disappoint me. I baked him with secret ingredients and served him with my very yummy homemade key lime pie.
Narrator 3: And then there was Jane Markers, who foolishly gave one of her mother’s expensive fur coats to a woman sleeping on the street.
Narrator 4: When Jane’s mother questioned her, Jane suggested her mother be more generous.
Fay: And, right after that, Mrs. Markers proved that she could be very generous after all. Very generous to me, that is.
Narrator 3: And centuries ago, Fay enjoyed Jeffrey Dach.
Narrator 4: Jeffrey’s music career was cut short due to a broken wrist.
Fay: I, though, saw great potential in Jeffrey, like how well he would turn out cooked with capsicum and washed down with a fine mead.
Narrator 3: And recently there was rich Grant Fletwright, who thought he was better than everyone else because of his family’s wealth.
Narrator 4: Grant bragged about family vacations and often won at sports by tricking gullible kids into looking the wrong way at important moments. He thought that made him clever.
Narrator 3: His father told him that wasn’t the way to uphold the family name.
Fay: But Grant wouldn’t listen so Mr. Feltwright did what he needed to preserve the family name. And I preserved Grant in vinegar, salt, and sodium metabisulfite.
Narrator 4: Fay tries to make it easy for parents to hand their children over. She has put up drop-off boxes in convenient locations such as near movie theaters.
Narrator 3: She also offers tours through her “Child-Friendly Travel Bureau” as well as special “hazardous children” pickup days four times a year.
Fay: It’s not like the old days. There’s no more leading one’s children into the forest. I don’t live in the forest anymore. They’ve torn the trees down and built houses all around me. I’ve had to make my home look like all the rest—at least to the eyes…
Narrator 4: If you are a child, you may want to ask yourself a few questions.
Narrator 3: Do you demand unreasonable things from your parents? Do you always do what you are told? How often do you ask for a raise in your allowance? Have either of your parents said, “I’m at the end of my rope,” “I’m sick and tired of your behavior,” or “I can’t take it anymore.”?
Narrator 4: If the answers to these questions are YES, NO, A LOT, and YES, then you might want to consider changing your ways.
Fay: I’m not afraid of warning children. Of course not. I understand children quite well. Not just how to season them delicately. Or what kind of side dishes go well with what kind of kids. I know all about not-yet-cooked children too. I know they have little self-control. I know that one day they’ll decide to be good and the next thing you know they’ll forget all about it and get into trouble. They can’t stick to their decisions. Their willpower is weak. I always get them in the end. I could get you too…
Narrator 1: To find out whom wanders into Fay’s house next, who she might enjoy for dinner…
Narrator 2: read The Witch’s Guide to Cooking with Children by Keith McGowan one of the books nominated for the Texas Bluebonnet Award.