THE WASHTUB FARCE
by Tony DevaneyMorinelli
A One Act Comedy
by
Tony DevaneyMorinelli
PERSONAGES
THE DEVIL
JACQUINOT
JACQUINETTE, HIS WIFE
JACQUINETTE'S MOTHER
PISSAULETTE
GONERETTE
Neighbors
CULINETTE
NENERETTE
______
DEVIL: (in a very full voice, thunderously addressing a large crowd)
Good people hear the tale we tell
of woman's wiles and husband's hell.
See how the woman Jacquinette
For gossip caused her house to fret;
And hear the tale of Jacquinot, (Jah - kee - NO)
For he will teach the road to go.
Hear ye husbands! Hear ye wives!
And you will lead far better lives.
Now quiet all! Attend the play;
That we may end before mid-day.
(MUSIC)- Live pipes or recorders playing a medieval work would fit best, but if no other way can be found, recorded music may substitute.
Jacquinot
Sad the day that I did marry -
The devil's plot, I surely parry.
My wife's a hag with tongue a-biting.
Her jaws do flap like two dogs fighting.
And her mother's even worse;
She makes my life a wicked curse.
The two of them are always scheming,
And I'm the one who gets the beating!
They push me here (points to his head)
And bash me there,(points to his rump).
They beat me, scold me, box my ear!
And I obey, for I am meek.
Though but a moment's peace I seek.
(Announcing loudly)
And to be master of my house!
Jacquinette
Jacquinot, where hide you now
Did you mind to milk the cow?
Come out, come out, you lazy fool
Here fetch the bucket and the stool.
(throws them at him)
Mother
Jacquinette, why fret you so?
About this fool, this Jacquinot?
Jacquinette
Oh mother, what a lazy lout!
Mother
Only worth a hefty clout.(she swats him)
Jacquinot
Oh What's a haggard man to do?
Jacquinette
Stop your moaning and complaining.
Here you oaf, this shoe needs mending.
(Flings him ashoe)
Mother
Oh, you lazy good for nothing!
With billow brains like pillow stuffing!
Wife Wash the windows and when you're through....
Jacquinot
Might I enjoy a glass of brew?
Jacquinette
Of brew! and drink
Is all you think!
Jacquinot
For all my work, a tiny drop?
Jacquinette
And you can swill the pigs' own slop! (she hits him).
Mother
You're a lucky man you know
To have a wife who guides you so.
A faithful woman who means you well.....
Jacquinot:(aside)
The devil's friend who comes from hell.
Mother and Jacquinette:(hit Jacquinot with broom and pan).
Jacquinot:
Away in faith I will not stay,
But hurry me along the way,
To where a man can think in peace
And all this women's nagging cease!
(EXIT Jacquinot)
(Enter) Pissaulette
Jacquinette, my neighbor dear!
What is this noise that I do hear?
Has the cat within your house
Cornered her a little mouse?
(the three women cackle)
(Enter) Gonerette:
Jacquinette and Pissaulette
Quick tell me now why you do fret?
Has your dog begun his howling
Because he felt the cat's paw clawing?
(Enter) Culinette:
Oh goodly ladies, do await me
Ere you tell the news a' lately.
What is brewing, what's a stewing?
What tasty morsel needs a chewing?
(Enter)Nenerette:
Wait oh wait good Culinette!
And you my kindly Gonerette!
Wait, oh wait your neighbor dear!
That she may too your tattle hear.
Jacquinette:
Culinette and Nenerette,
Gonerette and Pissaulet,
Sisters, speak and tell me true
What should I poor woman do?
For here's a man who troubles not
To carry fair his working lot.
Pissaulet:
Oh sister 'twas a sorry day
That God made him a man from clay.
Gonnerette:
Far better would the world have been
Nenerette:
had he but made us without men.
Culinette: A vile race of little worth
Pissaulet: Who only seek a life of mirth.
Gonnerette: While wider grows our middle girth.
Nenerette: Until it forces out by birth! (She makes a thrusting motion from the hip.)
Culinette: For sure, my sisters you speak true;
Jacquinette: But what's a godly wife to do?
Mother: But make her bed and in it lie.
Jacquinette: And there to wed,
PissauletAnd birth,
Gonnerette: And die!
Nenerette:
They hold us bound,
their serving chattel.
Culinette:
And sell us off,
As they do cattle.
Mother:
A sorry life we lead 'tis true.
But what then can a woman do?
Jacquinette:
Tis ours the never ending task
To stoop and bend our weary backs.
Culinette:
Where is our time to sit and chatter?
Nenerette:
And "floss'o'fise" those things that matter?
Gonnerette:
The neighbor's door,
That goes unlocked.
Pissaulet:
And creeks and sighs
Round ten o'clock
Nennerette:
And while his silly wife does sleep
He out that unlocked door does creep!
And finds his way in white moon glow.
To other pillows soft he goes.
Gonnerette: And while he does from his chamber steal,
Another enters at his heel,
And takes his place beside his dame.
And so around does go their game.
Jacquinette: Oh tell me, tell me, is it true?
Are these the tricks our neighbors do?
Mother: Now surely, Jacquinette, you know
That this they do, and it is so!
Culinette: Good friend, good woman, do you not see
That you've not our wit of flos'o'phy?
You waste your hours and mindless roam
About the chores within your home.
Gonerette: Come talk with us throughout the day,
And you will learn the wiser way.
Pissaulet: Leave behind the butter churn.
And worldly wisdom you will learn.
Culinette: Have you no man to mind your will?
Your fancies follow and wishes fill?
Jacquinette: My husband, my own Jacquinot?
He is no man of talent know.
His strength but in his elbow lies,
That in his fist his cup may ride!
While making jest and lilting quip
And pouring ale between his lips.
Pissaulet: My goodly neighbor, foolish wife,
Put him to work, make use his life.
Gonnerette: Bind him to his duties well,
As you shall say and strongly tell.
Culinette: Set him out a contract writ,
And let him not astray a bit.
Pissaulet: Then you will be a woman free,
To gossip in philosophy!
Mother: But no more neighbors, for now comes he
Of whom we speak our plans to be.
Let him not hear what we may say
Now goodly wives be on your way.
EXEUNT neighbors.
Mother: Here comes he now and long past nones.
Nay, even vespers light has shown.
Jacquinette: 'Twas at the tavern he sang his chant,
In cooper's tones the wine decant.
(Turning on Jacquinot)
And I the whole long day travail
While you do wash in cups of ale.
Mother: Hear now lazy good for nothing!
That this house will change its strutting.
To this your wife you should obey
In all that she may do or say.
Jacquinot: O now the devil makes me pay!
Mother: I propose a list to draw,
In which to write your duties all.
So take this pen and hold it tight.
Jacquinette: And I will say the things to write.
Mother and Wife hit him.
Jacquinot: As you say, I shall not fight.
Mother: Now write!
Jacquinette: Yes, write!
Both: Now, write it down!
He takes quill in hand.
Jacquinette: Now, first the way to start the day
While I upon my bed do stay.
You will set the kitchen right...
Jacquinot: But I object with all my might!
Mother: (hits him)
And you will see the dawn shine bright!
Jacquinette: And when the baby cries at night,
You're the one who'll set things right.
Dry his bed and change his swaddle,
Walk him as he starts to toddle .
Jacquinot: Oh sorry lot, Oh, woe is me!
Jacquinette: Yes, write them down, now let me see...(She ponders.)
Mother: Write them or I'll beat your head
with this hardest pot of lead!
Mother brandishes an iron skillet.
Jacquinot begins to write
Jacquinette: You will cook and you will bake
Mill the flour and butter make.
Mother: Write it down, or feel the pot!
Jacquinot: Oh, truly sorry is my lot!
Jacquinette: Scrub each pot and wash each dish.
Carve the fat and scale the fish.
Jacquinette: Now write it!
Mother Write it!
Both: Write it down!
Jacquinette: Now sign it!
Mother Sign it!
Jacquinot signs
Both Mother and Jacquinette: There, 'tis done!
Jacquinot: 'Tis Lucifer who's had his fun.
Mother: Now all is done. I take my leave.
But shall return anon this eve.
EXIT Mother
Jacquinette: Now, before you do another thing,
Help me here this sheet to ring.
Jacquinot: That's not upon my contract writ
I don't think I'll help a bit.
Jacquinette: Not upon your scroll you see?
But now you will, with help from me!
Wife beats him with the wet cloth
Jacquinot: Hey!
Jacquinette: Ho-lah!
Jacquinot: Hey!
Jacquinette: Ho-lah!
Jacquinot( reconsidering)
I see it clear!
Don't beat me please!
Jacquinette: Then take your end and turn and squeeze!
Jacquinette positions herself on one side of the tub; Jacquinot on the other. The hold the cloth suspended above the water between them.They freeze in a comic tableau as...
ENTER the DEVILfrom behind the tub. He whispers in Jacquinot's ear.
Devil: Now listen well friend Jacquinot,
We'll show her where she can go.
Drown her with a little shove.
Plunge her in the soapy tub.
Jacquinot: What wicked words are these I hear?
What clever mischief in my ear!
Devil: Just a tiny little shove.
And she'll tumble in the tub.
Jacquinot: There's no injustice here I see.
And I will then the master be.
Devil: Just a tiny little shove.
And she'll tumble in the tub.
Jacquinette: Now Jacquinot, do as I say.
Why do you dally, why this delay?
Jacquinot: 'Twas "pull" you say.
Jacquinette: Yes, pull!
Jacquinot: So pull I will and you will fall
Into the tub with soap and all.
Jacquinette: (she tumbles into the tub)
Heaven save me 'ere I drown!
I've tumbled in upon my crown.
Angels come from heaven high.
Draw me out, Oh! hear my cry!
Devil: Now sing and shout and dance with glee,
For she is drown and you are free!
Jacquinette: Save me, save me, from this sea,
Of soapy water a' drowning me!
Jacquinot: Stop your ranting and your screaming.
Taste what comes of nasty scheming.
Jacquinette: Save me, save me, for I die.
Angels come from heaven high!
Jacquinot: Such grace and beauty now she seems.
The very woman of my dreams.
Her mouth is muffed within the tub.
And in her trick her nose is rubbed.
Jacquinette: Save me, save me, this I pray.
My heart is breaking plunged this way.
Jacquinot: First, I must consult my list.
To see if such is part of it.
To bake, to clean, to mend and sew,
To hoe the field and cabbage grow,
To shine and polish, wash and scrub...
But not to pull you from a tub!
Tis not on my list, nor do I find
That such is mentioned in this bind.
(MUSIC - JACQUINOT AND THE DEVIL DANCE)
Mother ENTERS
Mother: Daughter darling, I'm back from town....
What have you done you nasty clown?
Jacquinette: Mother, mother I am drown.
Mother: Jacquinot, what have you done?
This is no jest. This is not fun.
Jacquinot: What I must do is written here.
For other things I have no ear.
Mother: Save her, save her. 'ere she die!
Jacquinot: I care no more than for a fly!
Unless she'll be a goodly spouse,
And let me rule in my own house.
Jacquinette: Let you be master in your own house?
Jacquinette hesitates and then woefully says:
THIS I AGREE.
Mother: You little mouse!
Jacquinot: Then up you go and you must be
Subject in all things to me.
Jacquinette: Agreed, agreed, so shall it be,
No more gossip's philosophy.
And you will now as master speak,
And I a wife's good house will keep.
Devil: Here now ends this moral farce,
Of woman's wiles and husband's arts.
For this is how 'twas meant to live.
Eve was made from Adam's rib.
And surely 'tis a thing perverse,
When things are set in the reverse.
EXEUNT OMNES
NOTE: It is essential when staging this work to observe fundamentals of voice and timing.
The actors must be able to maintain a clear "head voice" projected from the diaphragm through the head. The rhythm of the farce is essential. The neighbors conversation should move so quickly as though to seem the voice of a single person in a continual flow. Slap stick must not be forgotten - literally! If you cannot find a real vaudeville slapstick you can make one with two thin strips of wood bound together at the handle. Be sure to pad the "hit" side. Jacquinot should be able to withstand a number of blows.
The "TUB". Cut the tub from a piece of 1/4 ply and paint it to look like a wash tub. Set the tub over a draped table. Jacquinette can fall "into" the tub by kneeling on the floor with her head and hands just at the top edge. Leave a bucket of water by her knees which she can use to splash around. The sheet should also be VERY wet. Let the water fly not only on the players but on the audience for a full medieval flavor.
NOTES
The Washtub Farce is adapted from the medieval La Farce du cuvier. While appropriate for all groups, the play was created to accommodate the skills of younger actors. The roles in this farce may be played by either males or females, and indeed, role reversal may add to its humor. This adaptation also adds the neighbors roles. Their presence accommodates academic settings which generally require more roles for girls than for boys. The neighbors lines are written in such a way that they may either be consolidated for smaller groups or distributed among several other players.
The production should be as simple as possible. The stage may be set with a stool in the center. On the stool a plywood or cardboard cut-out of a washtub painted to create a sense of dimension.
On the side a small table which holds an over-size scroll and quill. Also on the table are cut outs of a shoe, a stool, a broom, and a skillet. On the stage center stool, behind the tub, a cloth that had been sufficiently wet to splash water when Jacquinette beats Jacquinot.
Costumes may suit the period or may be simple suggestions of medieval clothing. Make-up should be clown like without being excessive. Two large red circles on Jacquinot's cheeks and white circles on the wife and the mother should be sufficient. The Devil should have red make-up.
Music should be of the period. CD recordings of medieval tunes are available at most libraries. Schools with recorder groups would do well to have live music.
Particular attention must be given to the language of this farce. Movement, other than the indicated slapstick, should be kept to a minimum. The rhyming couplet arrangement will aid students in memorization and the text's word choice should help with diction and projection. Once the text is established and the student's are "off book", they may concentrate on the farcical characterizations of their parts by creating comical voices. Once again, it is the language that creates - not uncontrolled movement.