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“The Onion” Satirical Readings Packet

“Satire & Society”

Directions: Read and annotate the following “news” articles for satirical techniques. Next, choose twoof the articles and write a rhetorical précis for each; meaning two paragraphs total. BE SPECIFIC TO THE DEVICES: irony, juxtaposition, puns, hyperbole, understatement, parody,etc. This is practice for your satire project Part III.

Horatian Satire – All in Good Fun

Fully Validated Kanye West Retires To Quiet Farm In Iowa

'I Got All The Approval I Needed,' Content Former Pop Star Says

The Onion

January 6, 2011 •ISSUE 47•01

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SPILLVILLE, IA—Following the widespread acclaim and media adulation over his latest album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, multimillion-selling recording artist Kanye West announced Wednesday that he had finally received the exact amount of approval he needed to attain and had therefore retired from the entertainment industry to live on a small farm in Iowa.

West, about two weeks before becoming fully self-actualized.

Though known for his outsized ego and grandstanding lyrics, West said "all of that is over now," telling reporters outside his remote two-bedroom farmhouse that after years of nonstop public attention, he was now completely secure in his sense of self and required no further affirmation.

"My goal all along was to be praised and talked about until I reached a level of total contentment with who I am and where I belong in the world, and on Friday night of last week, I reached that level," said West, standing outside the screen door of his home in a pair of khaki slacks and a plain gray work shirt. "I finally feel satisfied and whole as a human being, which means I can stop being a famous pop star now."

"So I just want to say thank you to everyone who bolstered my self-esteem by showering me with so much acclaim," added West, sweeping some dust from his front porch. "Because it worked. I'm good to go."

West said he came across Pitchfork.com's perfect 10.0 review of his new release on Friday and then, immediately afterward, was informed that his album had already sold more than 800,000 copies, experiences that caused a feeling of "total, and permanent, fulfillment" to come over him.

The internationally renowned rap star described his many displays of outlandish behavior over the years—running up on stage and interrupting Taylor Swift during the MTV Music Awards, replacing his bottom teeth with diamonds, and posing as Jesus in a crown of thorns on the cover of Rolling Stone—as attempts at self-realization that "totally paid off."

West whips up a batch of snickerdoodles to hand out to his new neighbors because "everyone loves cookies."

"A lot of people thought I was crazy or egotistical for doing those things, but they were merely projections of various childhood traumas and insecurities borne of postmodern alienation," West said. "Luckily, I found ways to make up for my deep-seated psychological needs, and I am now a fully actualized adult."

When questioned about some of the lyrics on his latest album, including lines such as "I'm trippin' off the power," and "This pimp is at the top of Mount Olympus," West chuckled lightly and replied that he had been getting "that last little bit of validation" he needed to feel emotionally adequate and confident for life.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of the work I've done," West said. "But now that I'm finally 100 percent certain that people like me and I am talented, it would be pointless to keep seeking fame and accolades."

Since making his decision, West said he has enjoyed passing the time by chatting with the folks who sit and talk all day in front of the post office downtown, and by taking up hobbies such as bird-watching and baking.

The 14-time Grammy Award winner also said that he recently began dating a "very nice woman" in nearby Dubuque whose identity he preferred to keep private.

"I might still make some music from time to time, but not so I can release it and hear people's opinion of it or anything," West said. "Who cares what other people think? It's music. If I want to make music. I'll just do it for me, because it's fun."

After answering questions for 10 minutes, West politely asked reporters to leave, saying he was "a little tired" and had some reading he would like to get done.

"Also, please don't make this a big front-page deal in your newspapers," West said. "This isn't some juicy scoop or anything, and I honestly don't see why anyone would even want to print a story about this. But if you have to run something, just keep it short."

"You guys know your way back to town from here, right?" West added before walking back inside.

Juvenalian Satire – Funny, but Wrong

Hamas Calls For 'Giant Summit' With All Israelis

February 15, 2012•ISSUE 42•07

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RAMALLAH, WEST BANK—After his militant Islamic party took the majority in Palestine's recent elections, Ismail Haniyeh called for a "giant summit with all living Israelis" Monday, rekindling international hopes for peace in the war-torn region.

Ismail Haniyeh urges Israeli participation in "bringing closure" to conflict in the Middle East.

Haniyeh characterized the one-day summit as "the final solution to the Israeli-Palestinian dispute," and invited every Jewish citizen of the world to attend. Haniyeh said he expects more than 5 million participants from Israel alone.

"It was foolish of us to think that a satisfactory resolution could be reached through small-scale aggression," Haniyeh said. "It will take more than the sporadic deaths of small groups of Israeli civilians to achieve our ends."

"This summit is long overdue," he added.

Haniyeh, who once said that Palestinian independence could only be achieved through the destruction of Israel, has apparently reversed his stance.

"It is clear to us now that a positive outcome will not be possible unless many, many sacrifices are made," Haniyeh said. "I give my word that the Israeli people shall have their cries for peace heard for miles around."

Haniyeh did not disclose the issues that will be discussed at the summit, saying only that he "would be very surprised if the entire process took longer than a couple of hours."

Haniyeh also extended an invitation to any high-ranking American official who would like to moderate the proceedings.

"We will achieve our goals with or without foreign help," Haniyeh said. "However, if George W. Bush or other top-level U.S. officials wish to attend, it would certainly make those first, most difficult steps a lot easier to take."

In a public statement Tuesday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad endorsed the "Hamas-led peace process," and offered the use of Tehran's Azadi Stadium as an "impartial location away from the distracting glare of publicity."

"It is about time for a summit of this nature," Ahmadinejad said. "The people of Iran will do anything they can to help further this crucial process."

According to Haniyeh, Israelis need only arrive with an open mind, insisting that the summit can have a positive outcome only if traditional and long-standing prejudices "are left at the door, along with any weapons, gas masks, or bulletproof vests."

"Security is of the utmost importance, which is why the summit will be watched over by my most loyal and experienced men," Haniyeh said. "To this end, every Israeli will also be marked with a six-digit protection number."

Hamas has already gone to significant lengths to ensure that Israeli Jews will be able to attend the summit, including transportation via specially chartered freight trains.

"Very much like a cleansing fire, the summit will wipe the slate of Arab-Jewish relations utterly and irreversibly clean," Haniyeh said. "By the end of our negotiations, those who walk out of the summit will be very pleased."

"With the blessing of Allah, we will soon see every last obstacle standing in the path to harmony exterminated," Haniyeh added. "Like the filthy dogs they are."

No official response to Hamas' summit proposal has yet been made. However, it is widely believed that acting Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and his cabinet will propose an alternative mass summit to which Hamas party officials and their Palestinian supporters will be similarly welcomed.

Iran's Nuclear Operation Revealed To Be Cover For Greatest Roller Coaster Ever

December 15, 2015• ISSUE 44•51

Ali Baba and the 40 Loops

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TEHRAN, IRAN—Nearly 30 years of tense relations between the U.S. and Iran came to a dramatic end this March when Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad revealed that his country's suspected nuclear program was in fact a covert operation to build "Ali Baba and the 40 Loops"—the largest, most thrilling roller coaster in the Middle East.

In a globally televised address before the United Nations, Ahmadinejad unveiled the 500-foot-tall steel coaster, which he called a "very real threat" to anyone not interested in having a blast. The Iranian leader then challenged all thrill-seekers—young and old, Christian, Muslim, or Jew—to ride the mighty coaster, which can reportedly reach speeds of 165 mph by using a newly developed electromagnetic propulsion system previously seen only in blurry satellite images.

All U.N. inspectors were given complimentary season passes for being so patient.

"I regret having kept you in the dark for this long, but doesn't the surprise make it so much better?" a smiling Ahmadinejad said while gesturing to the massive coaster's interlocking quadruple vertical corkscrews. "And to think, you were all afraid we would use this technology for evil. Well, the only thing the world should fear now is Ali Baba's heart-stopping 400-foot drop!"

Members of a special U.N. envoy were immediately granted access to the new ride, and spent the next six hours conducting more than 30 separate critical examinations of the roller coaster. By late evening, however, inspectors said their findings were still inconclusive and determined that the fact-finding mission would require further test rides, corn dogs for everyone, and photographic documentation of their efforts.

Despite years of economic sanctions and the constant threat of military action, Iran reportedly continued working on the clandestine project by stockpiling metal tubes for the tracks, enriching uranium to provide glow-in-the dark lighting for the subterranean portion of the ride, and purchasing hundreds of gallons of neon green paint from Pakistan.

"We have moved wisely and decisively to establish Iran as a regional power in the amusement park field," said Ahmadinejad, adding defiantly that the nation would not succumb to Western standards for height requirements. "Wheeeee!"

In response to rumors that the new Iranian amusement park will include a ride dedicated to bridging the foreign relations gap with Israel, Ahmedinejad flatly denied the existence of the so-called "Holocoaster."

Let Me Explain Why Miley Cyrus’ VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning

Commentary•Our Annual Year 2013•Opinion•news media•ISSUE 49•35• Aug 26, 2013

By Meredith Artley, Managing Editor Of CNN.com (fake byline posted at The Onion)

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Over the years, CNN.com has become a news website that many people turn to for top-notch reporting. Every day it is visited by millions of people, all of whom rely on “The Worldwide Leader in News”—that’s our slogan—for the most crucial, up-to-date information on current events. So, you may ask, why was this morning’s top story, a spot usually given to the most important foreign or domestic news of the day, headlined “Miley Cyrus Did What???” and accompanied by the subhead “Twerks, stuns at VMAs”?

It’s a good question. And the answer is pretty simple. It was an attempt to get you to click on CNN.com so that we could drive up our web traffic, which in turn would allow us to increase our advertising revenue.

There was nothing, and I mean nothing, about that story that related to the important news of the day, the chronicling of significant human events, or the idea that journalism itself can be a force for positive change in the world. For Christ’s sake, there was an accompanying story with the headline “Miley’s Shocking Moves.” In fact, putting that story front and center was actually doing, if anything, a disservice to the public. And come to think of it, probably a disservice to the hundreds of thousands of people dying in Syria, those suffering from the current unrest in Egypt, or, hell, even people who just wanted to read about the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech.

But boy oh boy did it get us some web traffic. Which is why I, Meredith Artley, managing editor of CNN.com, put the story in our top spot. Those of us watching on Google Analytics saw the number of homepage visits skyrocket the second we put up that salacious image of Miley Cyrus dancing half nude on the VMA stage. But here’s where it gets great: We don’t just do a top story on the VMA performance and call it a day. No, no. We also throw in a slideshow called “Evolution of Miley,” which, for those of you who don’t know, is just a way for you to mindlessly click through 13 more photos of Miley Cyrus. And if we get 500,000 of you to do that, well, 500,000 multiplied by 13 means we can get 6.5 million page views on that slideshow alone. Throw in another slideshow titled “6 ‘don’t miss’ VMA moments,” and it’s starting to look like a pretty goddamned good Monday, numbers-wise. Also, there are two videos—one of the event and then some bullshit two-minute clip featuring our “entertainment experts” talking about the performance.

Side note: Advertisers, along with you idiots, love videos. Another side note: The Miley Cyrus story was in the same top spot we used for our 9/11 coverage.

Now, let's get back to why we put the story in the most coveted spot on our website, thereby saying, essentially, that Miley Cyrus’ suggestive dancing is the most important thing going on in the world right now. If you clicked on the story, and all the slideshows, and all the other VMA coverage, that means you’ve probably been on CNN.com for more than seven minutes, which lowers our overall bounce rate. Do you know what that is? Sorry for getting a little technical here. The bounce rate is the percentage of visitors to a particular website who navigate away from the site after viewing only one page. If we can keep that bounce rate low, and show companies that people don’t just go to CNN.com but stay there, then we can go to Ford or McDonald’s or Samsonite or whatever big company you can think of and ask for the big bucks.

So, as managing editor of CNN.com, I want our readers to know this: All you are to us, and all you will ever be to us, are eyeballs. The more eyeballs on our content, the more cash we can ask for. Period. And if we’re able to get more eyeballs, that means I’ve done my job, which gets me congratulations from my bosses, which encourages me to put up even more stupid bullshit on the homepage.

I don’t hesitate to call it stupid bullshit because we all know it’s stupid bullshit. We know it and you know it. We also know that you are probably dumb enough, or bored enough, or both, to click on the stupid bullshit anyway, and that you will continue to do so as long as we keep putting it in front of your big, idiot faces. You want to know how many more page views the Miley Cyrus thing got than our article on the wildfires ravaging Yosemite?Like 6 gazillion more.

That’s on you, not us.

To be sure, I could have argued that Miley Cyrus’ performance merited the top spot on our website because it was significant in terms of what’s happening in the world of pop culture, or that her over-the-top theatrics are worth covering because they are somehow representative of the lengths to which performers must go to stand out in the current entertainment landscape. But who the fuck are we kidding? Truth be told, anything at last night’s VMAs short of Lady Gaga beheading Will Smith with a broadsword belongs tucked away in our entertainment section, far from the homepage, far from the top spot, and far from the eyes of anyone who logged on to our site this morning to see what was happening in the world.