The Nurtured Heart School
Summarizing the Approach
When the entire school is using the Nurtured Heart Approach, from the principal to the volunteers, there are some radical changes. The changes are not only in the way people interact, but in the way school is structured and the way school functions. In discussing the whole school application of this approach, there are no hard and fast answers as each school – even within the same district – are often unique in many ways. This section offers a vision, and some guiding questions. Hopefully with the basic principles intact and thoroughly applied, your school can make this transforming quest its own.
Over and over we hear principals and teachers remark that “we just can’t keep doing business as usual” as the current common paradigm is not working. To us, the common paradigm has been to try and make students behave so they can learn to be successful academically. It is an effort to create outside forces that will “make” students behave and learn. In school suspension, detentions, calls home, sarcasm, stern lectures, threats of alternative school, etc. are all examples.
The Nurtured Heart Approach is an inside out paradigm. It is aimed directly at the student having a better relationship with their self.It is the creation offorces within the student (vs. outside) that are solidly evidence based (vs. threat/ fear based), and are motivated towards improving already successful relationships (vs. stop bad so to avoid punishment and shame). If history teaches us anything, it is that punishment, shame and fear really do not work. Thus, every person and procedure within the school would be working in synchronization to validate and propel students towards a vibrant relationship with their self and the classroom teacher.
This approach promotes “you are a successful personwho can learn and behave” vs. promoting “behave and learn so you can be a successful person”. Instead of chasing some good relationships with your self, we provide mass quantities of evidence you already are good, valuable, worthy, and belong. In fact, you are more fantastic than you know and it gets even better.
To accomplish this, the 3 legged table runs through every aspect of the personnel and process we call school.These are the guiding principles. We want problems to be given as little relationship as possible, for consequences to be short, and for the student to be in the classroom as much as possible.Actually we want the student to always remain in the classroom.The classroom and the teacher – student relationship are where the student needs to make it, so we want that to totally convey the expectation that they will succeed there. That is “Time in”! Whatever happens procedurally and socially outside the classroom needs to be constructed as some form of brief “Time out/ reset” which helps the student have a better relationship with their self. Once back in the classroom, the school and teacher find student success and cheer them on with positive reflections. “Wow, you are showing amazing strength over your impulses today! Time IN!
Some people believe they need to be tough with students; that students need to respect authority, and with enough punishment, embarrassment, or messages that they are a failure, the student will come to their senses and act right. The Nurtured Heart Approach is tough in that the rules are strictly consequenced. It does promote tremendous respect from students as they will see you as an authorityextremely generous with inner wealth, in control of your emotions, and as someone they can trust. Rather than students coming to their senses via messages they are bad or about to be cast out, we want students to come to their senses via providing evidence they are already great and definitely belong.
What might this model look like within your district’s code of conduct and your particular school? How can the inner wealth of the school staff be supported and thrive? How can the school involve parents and build parental/guardian inner wealth? How many ways can the school promote a better relationship between the student and their self? Who and how can the people outside the classroom cheer the students in a classroom on in success? What ways can students build the inner wealth of each other in class, between classes, and before or after school? What will be the role of deans, counselors, and administrators around success and when there is a problem?
Your creativity will lead to wonderful variations, yet the principles of the approach should remain intact and clear in each instance. However there is one huge change that seems common to most every school and it comes up almost immediately in trainings. When schools adopt this approach, they have the goal of keeping the student in the classroom; if the student has to be sent to the office, that the student is returned as soon as they are reset. We want to address this first as some teachers feel if they send a student out of class that they have tried everything they could do to get the student back on track. They do not want the student back in for the rest of the period. In this model, the teacher would be, (1) giving the problem student “time outs” or “resets” along with abundant reflections of success, (2) remaining very strict about the rules, and (3) not fueling the problem with negative energy ( warnings, lectures, stern looks, sarcastic cuts, fussing, etc.) If the student has to be sent out it is only because they are violating the conduct code (Oops, broke a rule), and/or enough time has passed that the teacher determines that too much class time will be sacrificed waiting for the student to maintain success. As stated earlier, some students want to see if the teacher cracks and pull out all the stops. Some students want to get out of class to see if they can get “officially” dosed with negative energy and negative messages by administration. The teacher is small potatoes compared to a mega dose of negative relationship with the most powerful people in the school.
Two things need to occur if a student has to be sent out. One is that the teacher should be applauded for not leaking, remaining strict and creatively reflecting positives. It takes tremendous inner wealth on the part of the teacher to stay calm, cool, and positive in the face of an all out challenge to spew negativity. This is the 3 legged table in action on the part of the teacher and those supporting her masterful achievement. The second thing is that the response of the school should be to reset the student, expect the student to make it in the classroom, and create some opportunity for the student to have a better relationship with their self ( i.e. some success) that is cheered on once the student is back in the classroom. Again, it is the 3 legged table in action around the reset on the part of the school process, administration and support staff.
How can we create success for a student, a better relationship between the student and their self even after they have been sent out of the class? Keep in mind, the ultimate success is for the student to simply have a short reset and be back in class. That is all them doing what needs to be done to restore their self to the big “time in” of class. They would be given abundant welcome back to the class. To keep it together in class would be cheered even more.
Creating a better relationship with one self can be looked at as an enterprise of the body, spirit, and mind. Here school can be very creative. In a schoolTom is working with, they have renamed In School Suspension, In School Success. If you get sent out, you may get a brief lesson like “Lunch room 101, Assertiveness”, or “Keeping calm”. You may get an assignment to write 5 positive things about yourself, or 5 positive things you can do to have success in the class. The student may have to come up with some type of community serviceor act of restoration to “repair” the emotional impact of their actions. One school has applied for a grant to get some exercise equipment. Part of your reset may be to spend a little time getting healthier. There may be a short use of meditation. The student might have to list 3 things they could do next time so a better outcome occurs. They could be given an assignment to write a report about the person with whom they are having the conflict. The librarian may have a short story for the student to read and discuss which parallels the student’s issue. You might even make use of the Social Stories which are traditionally used for Autistic children, yet are pearls of “how to” social skills. As a counselor or the head of In School Success, you could fold in all sorts of the Credit System, Positive Behavior Incentive System, and /or Social Emotional Learning. In any event, the student is reset and armed for success. They are then restored to the class where they are recognized for using the skills and ideas they have just reset their self with. Wahoo! Time in!
Another essential part of the whole school application is teachers building their inner wealth, re-energizing / resetting their self for class, and feeling armed for success. Some methods have been for teachers to share success stories on a school wide webpage, open meetings with success stories, have monthly parties, visit each others classes where they cheer the teacher on in front of all the students, have principals popping in to blast the teacher with positive recognitions, and even giving students time to praise the teacher in each class. Students can be tremendously sincere and reach deep when they have the opportunity to praise their teacher. Tom is amazed and deeply moved at the powerful relationship students have with teachers – and it is often completely invisible until the opportunity is given to express it. This is why we are totally convinced that YOU are the most valuable prize in the room. Students tell us so every day. YOU are a transformer of hearts, lives, and futures.
The administration also needs to remain faithful to not leaking negativity, and remaining strict. Some students love to act up and gain pep talks with administrators. “Well the only place they act right is in the principal’s office!” Small wonder given what you know now. Administrators need to eliminate as much relationship and intimacy around problems as possible. There was a handsome young dean who spent an inordinate amount of time sorting through the near violent bickering of small groups of adolescent girls. Once he had them each handwrite their version of the problem for him to read later, and sent them to class, there was an amazing and rapid end to such problems. He drained his relationship out of the problem and it vanished.
If the administration has to talk with a parent about a disciplinary action, load the meeting with parental inner wealth, and student inner wealth. Have the family think as much as possible about ways to reset the student and arm the student with a better relationship with their self. Do not leak negativity nor invite the parent to do that either. In fact, block the parent from doing so by meeting with them first to explain the type of meeting you want to have. The rules and consequences are set by the school district. Let the rules be the rules, and be strict without leaking. However, pursue the positive with the determination of a tank at full speed. Blast through every obstacle to make a path towards the student and parent feeling valued, competent, and part of school. Let the 3 legged table stand firm in these difficult moments.
Any change that matters and lasts will come from the inside out. No one says they were forced into an act of courage. They say they found the courage to act. Where did they find it? Inside. No one says they were forced into loving another. They fall into it. Where does this fall occur? Inside. Why did you become a teacher? Was it external constraints and rules and threats or punishments? Very likely it was something inside. It is the inside stuff that helps you tolerate, overcome, connect, and succeed at what you do. It is what brought you to this point. You have a hope, a dream, and the ability to challenge your self to achieve it. Your self-esteem may be shot by numerous outside forces, yet you continue to seek a better way. That is your inner wealth sustaining and propelling you forward towards greater relationships – especially with your dreams and hopes. What do you really suppose are the hopes and dreams of your students and the adults raising them? Find the evidence that you and they have the abilities and qualities to continue on the quest. Find so much evidence; create so much inner wealth, that you and they can fearlessly pursue a positive future. The force IS with you. Inside.
(Adapted by Tom Grove, co-author with Howard Glasser of The Inner Wealth Initiative: The Nurtured Heart Approach for Educators c. 2007)
Shared here by permission by Tammy Small, M.Ed.Certified Trainer for schools, author of There’s Always Something Going Right: Workbook for Impleenting the Nurtured Heart Approach in School Settings c. 2010)
Nurtured Heart Abbreviated
Page 1 of 4