The Latest Recommendation from the Washingtoon Ethnic Dining Guide
A new recommendation has appeared in the Ethnic Dining Guide of Washingtoon, capital of the Unconscious States of Amurrica, put out by Tailor Coward III, Director of the Mercantilist Center and Professor of Shriekonomics at George Madison University, which is scattered across several municipalities in the northern Vagina suburbs of Washingtoon. Tailor’s father was from the clothier branch of the famous English playwright’s family, but had to flee to Amurrica when his stitch in time saved only eight. After marrying a nice girl from Old Teashirt, they moved to Hoople, Southern North Dakota, where Tailor would become the regional chess champion at age 6, only to be defeated some years later by the 4-year old I.M.A. Bach, great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of P.D.Q. Bach, who had studied obscure gambits with Bobby Fischer’s dog.
Tailor would excel in Advanced Libertinism at the University of Southern North Dakota (famous for its study of the music of P.D.Q. Bach), as well as cultural studies that would lead to his later famous book on the Very Loud Shriekonomics of Inverted Seventeen Row Calypso Music (the writing of which was aided by his wife, Notelya, a Harmonian refugee from the Rushing Land of Cacophonya). His outstanding Libertinism at USND won him entry to GraveyardUniversity, where he studied shriekonomics with the renowned Professor Tomissa Shellacking (shriekonomics having been started by economists who had too many electrodes stuck into the pain centers of their brains by neurotic neuroeconomists). Whistling past the Graveyard he would move to George Madison, named for the second cousin-once-removed of the Constitution and illegitimate son of the Bill of Rights.
The latest recommendation in his now famous Washingtoon ethnic dining guide is for Hole in the Stomach, opened a week ago by Tonguan refugees. Being the only Tonguan restaurant in the Washingtoon metropolitan area, it is the best. It is located at googel plex 7, Hippety-Hoppety Turnpike, near the intersection of seven jurisdictions (thereby violating the four-color map theorem, along with Brewer’s Faxed Point Theorem), and just behind 17 Corners, with an especially odiferous dumpster in front of its otherwise invisible location, designed to keep out spies from the top chefs of Paris. One is advised to eat there at off-hours to avoid the long lines of Tonguans attempting to launder money there, with its prices so low as to be negative, a major incentive for this sort of operation. Needless to say, such negative prices ensure that Hole in the Stomach is truly a bargain.
The Tonguans are a long-suffering ethnic minority from Lower Slobbovistan, where they are persecuted by its sickening dictator, Saddam Jong Ill, due to their unique religion, a syncretism of Seventh Day Adventism, Seven-Imam Shi’ism, Tantric Buddhism, and a renegade heresy of Scientology (Tim Crooz has been reported to have denounced them, while Germany has been reported to have help arm the Tonguan Liberation Front). Given the deep link between Kellogg’s and Seventh Day Adventism, corn flakes are an important element of their cuisine.
The guide notes some specialties of the house, although all ordering will involve asking the waiters, as none of the menus are in English, the Tonguan alphabet resembling the snail turds that are also a special feature of the Tonguan cuisine (clearly only for the truly adventuresome and most culinarily advanced Libertinarians). An outstanding appetizer is Overly Curious Cat’s Paw with Simmering Snail Turds. Among the entrée specialties are Extenuated Whale Bladder with Emulsified Corn Flakes and Roasted Rat Brain with Pickled Porcupine Puss. The desserts are simply unspeakable and unmentionable, and so nothing will be said of them.
In any case, a visit is highly recommended, although reservations are not taken, and you will need to be prepared to beat off the rats that inhabit the dumpster (which in turn exhibit the restaurant’s concern for using local produce). Without question, a meal at Hole in the Stomach will bring one to truly achieve a profoundly Unconscious State, thus allowing one to be patriotic while exploring the limits of culinary cosmopolitanism..
J.Barkley Rosser, Jr. 1/22/08