The Cruise from Hell
Music & lyrics ©2011 by Charles Long
Our summer cruise had been carefully planned
A wonderful trip it would be
Wandering through the islands
Footloose and fancy free
We’d take lots of beautiful pictures
Have wonderful stories to tell
But what was in store was a little bit more...
‘Cause this was the Cruise from Hell
We had three weeks of vacation
We thought that was plenty of time
To get to the islands and have lots of fun
The weather was sure to be fine
We planned our departure with infinite care
At the start of the ebbing tide
We’d get underway at the break of day...
And the current would give us a ride
We pumped up the dinghy and loaded aboard
All of our cruising gear
We packed the cabin with food and drink
Enough to last for a year
But as we backed her out of the slip
We came to a sudden stop
‘Cause the dinghy line had slipped our mind...
And we’d wound it up in the prop.
The water was cold but I had no choice
And I said as much to my wife
So over the side I went with a mask
And a rusty fishing knife
Well I hacked away for an hour or so
Till my energy was spent
And I got the mess cleared but just as I’d feared...
A blade on the prop was bent
I started the engine and put it in gear
It made the boat shimmy and shake
But we thought if we just didn’t go too fast
It was something we could probably take
So off we went with hopes still high
And to the north we chugged
Till my wife went to pee and subsequently...
Announced that the head was plugged
She took the helm and I went below
And worked for an hour or so
Learning more about O-rings and joker valves
Than I ever wanted to know
I blew through the hoses and sucked on the lines
I sweated and bled and swore
Till I finally said “F--- it, we’ll pee in a bucket...
Or wait till we get to shore”
By the time we got to the end of our run
I had the damn thing clear
As we headed into the marina
I was ready to have me a beer
We rigged the fenders and all the lines
We were ready to call it a day
But there wasn’t a space in the whole damned place...
Where we could tie up and stay
We ended up rafted to three other boats
A long way from the dock
And the guy on the inside announced he was leaving
Sometime around four o’clock
So once again in the morning
We got up in the dark
And glory be when I turned the key...
The engine wouldn’t start
They towed us off to a boatyard
Where several more days were lost
While we waited for someone to tell us
How much it was going to cost.
They told that it was the fuel pump
The report was gloomy and bleak
The nearest spare was in Delaware...
It might be here in a week
It was actually closer to two weeks
Before they got it done
It cost three thousand dollars
But you can’t put a price on fun
Sadder and poorer and wiser
Back for home we steered
But before you know we’ll be ready to go...
And we’ll try it again next year
Our summer cruise had been carefully planned
A wonderful trip it would be
Wandering through the islands
Footloose and fancy free
We’d take lots of beautiful pictures
Have wonderful stories to tell
But what was in store was a little bit more...
‘Cause this was the Cruise from Hell
Yes, what was in store was a whole lot more...
The ultimate Cruise from Hell!