The original mistaken goal chart was broken down into four separate handouts by goal for ease of teaching and understanding for parents just being introduced to the goal chart
The Child’s Mistaken Goal is UNDUE ATTENTION
IF THE ADULT FEELS:
Annoyed
Irritated
Worried
Guilty
AND TENDS TO REACT BY:
Reminding
Coaxing
Doing things for the child that he/she could do independently
AND IF THE CHILD RESPONDS BY:
Stopping temporarily, but later resumes the same or another disturbing behavior
THE CHILD’S MISTAKEN BELIEF IS:
I count (belong) only when I’m being noticed or getting special services. I’m only important when I’m keeping you busy with me.
WHAT THE CHILD NEEDS FROM YOU AND WHAT ADULTS CAN DO TO ENCOURAGE THE CHILD: Notice Me; Involve Me Usefully.
“I love you and ___.” (Example: “I care about you and will spend time with you later.”); redirect by assigning a task so the child can gain useful attention; avoid special service; plan special time; set up routines; use problem-solving; encourage; touch without words; set up nonverbal signals; use family/class meetings
THE CHILD’s MISTAKEN GOAL IS POWER
IF THE ADULT FEELS:
Angry
Challenged
Threatened
Defeated
AND TENDS TO REACT BY:
Fighting
Giving in
Thinking “You can’t get away with it” or “I’ll make you”
Wanting to be right
AND IF THE CHILD RESPONDS BY:
Intensifies behavior
Defiant compliance
Feels he/she’s won when parents/teachers are upset
Passive Power
THE CHILD’S MISTAKEN BELIEF IS:
I belong only when I’m boss or in control, or proving no one can boss me. “You can’t make me.”
WHAT THE CHILD NEEDS FROM YOU AND WHAT ADULTS CAN DO TO ENCOURAGE THE CHILD: Let Me Help – Give Me Choices
Acknowledge that you can’t make him/her do something, and ask for his/her help. Offer a limited choice. Withdraw from conflict and calm down. Be firm and kind. Act; don’t talk. Decide what you will do. Let routines be the boss. Get help from child to set reasonable and few limits. Practice follow-through. Redirect to positive power. Use family/class meetings
The Child’s Mistaken Goal is REVENGE
IF THE ADULT FEELS:
Hurt
Disappointed
Disbelieving
Disgusted
AND TENDS TO REACT BY:
Retaliating
Getting Even
Thinking how could you do this to me
AND IF THE CHILD RESPONDS BY:
Retaliates; intensifies; escalates the same behavior or chooses another weapon.
THE CHILD’S MISTAKEN BELIEF IS:
I don’t think I belong so I will hurt others, as I feel hurt. I can’t be liked or loved.
WHAT THE CHILD NEEDS FROM YOU AND WHAT ADULTS CAN DO TO ENCOURAGE THE CHILD: I’m hurting … validate my feelings
Acknowledge hurt feelings; avoid feeling hurt; avoid punishment and retaliation; build trust; use reflective listening; share your feelings; make amends; show you care; act – don’t talk; encourage strengths; put kids in the same boat; use family/class meetings.
The Child’s Mistaken Goal is ASSUMED INADEQUACY
IF THE ADULT FEELS:
Despair
Hopeless
Helpless
Inadequate
AND TENDS TO REACT BY:
Giving up
Doing for
Over- helping
AND IF THE CHILD RESPONDS BY:
Retreats further
Passive
No improvement
No response
THE CHILD’S MISTAKEN BELIEF IS:
I can’t belong because I’m not perfect so I’ll convince others not to expect anything of me. I’m helpless and unable. It’s no use trying because I won’t do it right.
WHAT THE CHILD NEEDS FROM YOU AND WHAT ADULTS CAN DO TO ENCOURAGE THE CHILD: Don’t Give Up on Me – Show Me a Small Step
Break tasks down into small steps; stop all criticism; encourage any positive attempt; have faith in the child’s abilities; focus on assets; don’t pity; don’t give up. Set up opportunities for success; teach skills/show how, but don’t do for; enjoy the child; build on his/her interests; encourage, encourage, encourage; use family/class meetings.
Adapted by Gary and Mary Hughes
From: “The Mistaken Goal Chart” in Nelsen, Jane Positive Discipline, Ballantine Books, 1996