Ted Talks to a Therapist
Ted Deals With Divorce
Six year-old Ted Baker walked hand in hand with his mother and father into the Doctor’s office. His mom had his right hand and his dad was holding on to his left hand. They went into the waiting room and sat down. His mom rang the buzzer on the wall. The room had a magazine rack, a row of chairs, and soft music was playing in the background.
Ted sat at the child’s table where there are some large picture books.
Ted turns to his parents and said, “At recess today, I told Susan about my therapist appointment and she said you were taking me to a shrink.” “What is a shrink?”
Mr. and Mrs. Baker both looked at each other. Before they could utter a word, the door opened and a soft spoken woman with a pleasant face walks out and greets the family.
“Hello”, she said to the family. She now turns to Ted and said, “My name is Dr. Angie Maize. I met with your mom and dad last week and now I would like to spend a little time getting to know you. Let’s go into my office where we can talk privately.”
Before getting up, Ted glanced from side to side, and then said, “OK.”
After they walked into Dr. Maize’s office, Dr. Maize said to Ted, “You seemed a bit uncomfortable out in the waiting room.”
“Yes, Ma’am, I was”, Ted replied. “My friend at school said I was seeing a shrink. What is a shrink?”
Dr Maize studies Ted’s face and replied, “The word I like to use is ‘therapist.’ What I do is shrink any unhappy and angry feelings.”
With a quizzical look, Ted asked, “Can you really make feelings smaller? How does it happen? Do you use magic?”
Dr. Maize smiled and replied, “No, it doesn’t happen by waving a magic wand over you. I am a talking and feeling doctor. I am different than the Doctor who gives you shots when you are sick or asks you to open up your mouth and say AHHHH! We sit and talk about whatever is on your mind, all the thoughts and feelings that are inside of you. Sometimes we sit together and talk, like we are doing right now. Other times you might want to play. The choice will be yours. I follow your lead. Today I want to get to know you. We can even talk while we play. I have markers and crayons if you want to color. I have blocks s if you want to build something. Or, I have an assortment of puppets if you want to put on a puppet show.”
Immediately, Ted’s eyes honed in on the assortment of colorful markers, and said, “I like to color. Do you have any coloring books?”
Dr. Maize, “No, I like to see how you draw; I find that much more interesting. How about thatHoHo?”
Ted picked up a marker and drew a picture of him in the middle of the page. His arms were tautly outstretched and his mother had one arm and his father had the other arm and they were pulling his arms in opposite directions.
Dr. Maize leaned over to view the picture. “Mmmm,” she said, “can you tell me about your picture?”
“Well,” stated Ted proudly, “here I am!”
Dr. Maize asked, “Do you remember what your feeling when you drew your picture?”
Ted begins to stammer, “I…I….I dunno. I wanted my mom and dad to be in my picture. I just thought it would be best if I did not put them next to each other. They don’t like each other very much. There is a lot of yelling that goes on when I’m around.”
Taking a moment to take in Ted’s words, Dr. Maize said, “Your drawings shows me you are feeling pulled in two different directions. I am also wondering if you might be worried about their arguing tearing you apart. Is that possible?”
Tears well up in Ted’s eyes. “Sometimes I imagine running away. Other times I wish I lived with a different family.”
Looking into his eyes, Dr. Maize said, “A lot of children feel that way when their parents split up. I can certainly see from your face and from your picture how much this bothers you. Some children even find it scary to even say the word DIVORCE.”
Ted nods.
“I guess that how you feel, too.” Dr. Maize said. “No child ever wants their parents to divorce. Almost every child I’ve ever spoken to keeps hoping and wishing their parents would stop arguing, make-up, and re-marry.
Again, Ted shakes his head up and down silently affirming Dr. Maize’s words.
Dr. Maize continues, “I can also understand how much you wish you could escape from the sad and mad feelings inside of you. Rather than wanting to run away from your feelings, there is something else that would be much better for you to do.”
Raising his face to look at Dr. Maize, and with a questioning expression, Ted asked, “What would that be?”
”Here in this office you can say anything you want. What we talk about in this room stays in this room. How about telling me how you feel right now,” said Dr. Maize.
In a barely audible voice, Ted sighed and said, “I don’t know.”
“What makes this so hard for you?” asked Dr. Maize?
“I’m afraid.” said Ted. “What if my mom and dad get madder? Or, what if one of them cries? I don’t want to hurt them.”
“Ahhh…..I see. It is hard for some people to open up if they don’t feel safe. That is what makes this place so special. My therapy room is different; as it is a safe haven where you can let out all feelings - pleasant and unpleasant ones. Let me help you so you can use your words so mom and dad can hear you speak about the painful feelings in side of you.”
“What if they won’t listen?” said Ted.
“Sometimes it is hard for a mom or dad to hear or see your distress because they are so involved with their own feelings. They don’t often mean to, but sometimes they get stuck too.”
A stream of light entered the room and Ted walked over to the window. “Look, Dr. Maize!” said Ted. “It has stopped raining and the sun is coming out from behind the clouds.”
Dr. Maize responded saying, “Just like the weather changes, feelings can improve to. I think you mood has brightened with our talk. Perhaps this situation is not as bleak as you once thought. What do you think?”
“I’d like to speak to them. Ted replied. Can we do it right now?”
“Fine,” said Dr. Maize. Can we show them your drawing?”
Ted said, “Yes.”
She left the office for a moment and came back with Ted’s parents.
“Your son and I have spent a little time getting to know one another,” explained Dr. Maize. “One way your son has communicated his feelings to me has been by drawing a picture of himself. He said he’d like you to see his drawing.”
She held up Ted’s drawing.
Ted’s father gasped and said, “I had no idea that Ted felt that way.”
His mother said sadly, “Neither did I. We were advised by his school to bring Ted here so he could have an impartial grown-up to talk to. I know I tried, but Ted hasn’t wanted to discuss his feeling because he always told me he was fine.”
Dad interrupted and said, “You weren’t the only one. I had little talks with him as well. I thought since he never said anything that the divorce didn’t really affect him.”
Dr. Maize intervened and said, ‘It is quite common to have children tell their parents exactly what they wants you to hear rather than letting you know how they really feel. Somehow to them it seems better to ‘forget’ or bury the bad feelings rather than risk revealing the hurt, anger, or fear as bringing out these emotions can create more discomfort for the family.”
Ted lowered his face toward the floor and whispered, “Yes, that’s sounds like me.”
Ted’s dad blurted out, “Well, good luck getting my ex to stop her bad-mouthing me”. I doubt she has said a nice word about me in---
Ted’s mother snorted, “Look who is talking!”
Dr. Maize interjected and said, “This is exactly what Ted is talking about in his drawing. Are you aware of that?
Ted’s mother pointed to his father and said, “He started it.”
“It doesn’t matter who started it,” said, Dr. Maize. “It is important your quarreling is doing to him right now?”
Ted’s parents looked at Ted. He was holding his hands over his ears and looking at the floor.
“What can we do? said Ted’s mother.
Dr. Maize responded, “What I recommend is for each of you is to refrain from saying anything hurtful or mean about the other in Ted’s presence. He is a part of each of you and depending upon what he already heard being spoken, has contributed to his mad, sad, scared, confused, rejected feelings. Ted deserves to be shielded from your conflicts.”
Ted’s mother said, “I guess you are right”.
“Is there anything else we can do now? Ted’s father asked?”
“How about giving him a hug?” said Dr. Maize.
Mom got up first and gave Ted a hug and then Dad followed and gave his son one too.
Dr. Maize said, “Please try to remember that your son deserves to love you and to enjoy having his own special relationship with mom and dad. Although the two of you may not love each other anymore, you created your son out of your love, so he deserves to be raised under two separate roofs where he feels emotionally safe, supported, and protected.”
There was a pause. Then Dr. Maize said, “Our time is almost up. I want to make sure we have enough time to answer any remaining questions. Is there anything else we need to discuss before we end for today?”
Ted’s mother said, “No, thank you, This was very helpful”.
Ted’s father nodded his head in agreement.
Ted wiped his eyes and said, “Can I come back and play with Dr. Maize?”
“Yes.”
“Wonderful,” Dr. Maize said. “How about next week at this same time.”
It was settled. The family headed toward the door to leave.
Ted turned around and said, “Thanks. You really are a good shrink.”
“I’m delighted to hear that.” said Dr. Maize, “I’ll see you next week.”