Tarzan 2 the Rescue
Tarzan 2 – The Rescue
By Patrick Carswell
Narrator 1:Most of you will already know the story of Tarzan. He was a boy who was raised by the apes of the jungle. This is not that story. We begin ten years
later when the marriage of Tarzan and Jane is as
bumpy as an old elephant’s bottom and a tribe of
cannibals are set to make a killing! Who will save
the day? Why it’s “Tarzan To The Rescue”!
[Song – Tarzan and Jane – CD 1]
Scene 1Bookshop
(Sweetie enters carrying a large pile of books which he places at the desk, centre stage. Livingstone is leaning back on his chair reading a comic book)
Sweetie:Here are the latest titles for our travel section. You’ll get a real kick outta this one.
(Livingstone opens the book and becomes terrified. He falls off his
chair and runs behind Sweetie)
Sweetie:What’s so scary?
Livingstone:It’s got big teeth, sharp claws and eats people.
(Sweetie moves over and looks inside the book)
Sweetie:Stanley, it’s only a lion. In fact it’s only a picture of a lion. It’s not real. Why are you so scared of animals?
Livingstone:When I was a kid I was attacked by my piggy bank. I was in high school before I had the courage to lick my first Freddo Frog.
(A beautiful young lady enters the bookshop and approaches the
counter where Livingstone is recovering. She completely ignores Sweetie much to his annoyance.) SFX 2
Winterbottom:Excuse me, do you have a copy of “Dark Safari” by Cuttlefish?
Livingstone:We did have it, but we’ve sold out. I’ll tell you something. I read that book and had nightmares for a week.
Winterbottom:How well do you remember that book?
Livingstone:Why do you ask?
Winterbottom:I’ve been to every bookshop in the city and they’ve all sold out. Do you remember a map inside the cover?
Livingstone:Of course I do. I have a photographic memory.
Sweetie:It needs developing.
Winterbottom:Could you draw that map for $1000?
Sweetie:Why for a $1000 he could draw you two. You’re very lucky Mrs...
Winterbottom:Miss. Miss Winterbottom.
Sweetie:You’re a very lucky lady Miss Winterbottom for you are standing in the presence of one of Africa’s greatest game hunters!
Livingstone:(Looking around) Who?
Sweetie:This is Stanley Livingstone. Why he helped Cuttlefish write that book, isn’t that right?
Livingstone:Well...
Sweetie:We’d be happy to draw that map for you for a $1000.
Livingstone:I could draw that map left handed in a dark room with a broken crayon.
Sweetie:Why don’t we come around to your home tonight and deliver the map.
Winterbottom:Capital idea. Here’s my card. Shall we say 7 o’clock?
Livingstone:You can say any time you like.
Winterbottom:See you tonight then. Goodbye Stanley.
Livingstone:That’s the kind of girl I dream about. But you should see the ones I get. (Pulls horrible face)
Scene 2Tarzan’s Hut
(Doctor is sitting beside a couch where both Tarzan and Jane are lying)
Narrator 2:Ten years ago when Tarzan and Jane first married
they lived a wonderfully happy life together. But
over the years both have changed and now they
are facing a marriage crisis. So they seek some
professional advice.
Freud:Now I want you to tell me what is troubling you.
Jane:Well Doctor, when we married 10 years ago everything was great. Tarzan was handsome, strong and full of yelling. Now look at him! (Moves off sofa to reveal Tarzan who is reading a magazine with slippers and thick glasses) It’s like somebody stole my husband and left behind this SNAG!
Freud:What do you have to say for yourself Tarzan?
Tarzan:I have changed Doctor, but it’s for the best. I’ve swung through this jungle for 30 years, (To audience) and boy am I tired. Yelling, fighting and saving lives on a daily basis. Now things are different. I’m a changed man. A different man.
Jane:Different alright. You’re a weirdo!
Freud:What makes you say that Jane?
Jane:Tarzan was a simple guy.
Freud:He still is pretty simple.
Jane:He used few words but was big on action. I remember when he used just one word – Ungawa! Call all the elephants for help – Ungawa! Tell natives to leave the camp and stop scaring the tourists – Ungawa! Remind Jane how incredibly beautiful she looks everyday – Ungawa! Now he won’t shut up! (She speaks with exaggerated posh accent) Does this shirt suit my eyes? Do you like my new Colorado sandals? Would you like to join a vine appreciation club?
Tarzan:I don’t sound like that!
Freud:So you liked him more, when he said less.
Tarzan:I could say the same about you.
Freud:How long have you two been bickering like this?
Jane:Three weeks.
Tarzan:Four weeks.
Jane:Three weeks!
Freud:O.K. Let’s just say a while then. Do you have any ideas how you can sort out your differences?
Jane:That’s what we’re paying you the big bananas for!
Freud:Well it’s natural for people to change over the years. Even fictional characters can have their ups and downs. I recommend you take two coconuts just before bedtime, and don’t call me in the morning.
Tarzan:What are the coconuts for?
Freud:Jane should crack one open, pour it into a glass and drink it. Warm milk always helps one to relax before bedtime.
Tarzan:What about the second coconut?
Freud:She should take the second coconut and crack it on your head to shut you up! Good-bye, thanks for the bananas! (Psychiatrist exits)
Jane:My mother eats nothing but coconuts on this new diet of hers.
Tarzan:Has she lost any weight?
Jane:No ... but she can sure climb a tree!
Tarzan:I had to shoot one of my favourite elephants today.
Jane:That’s unfortunate. Was he mad?
Tarzan:Well he wasn’t very pleased!
Jane:Tarzan, stand up for a minute. (She examines him closely) You need to suck in your stomach.
Tarzan:I am.
Jane:You’re getting a little soft in your old age.
Tarzan:You still look a million.
Jane:Why thank-you.
Tarzan:(To audience) And I mean every year of it.
Jane:That does it. Forget the coconuts - you and I are through! (She storms out)
Scene 3Winterbottom House
(Fireplace in centre with a picture of a lion above)
Narrator 3:Remember Miss Winterbottom? Stanley can’t get her
face out of his mind! She did seem awfully keen to
find that book. I wonder what is so special about the map inside? Why would it be worth a $1000?
Find out as we enter her home and meet some of
the characters who will join this “Dark Safari”.
Winterbottom:Now boys when these two idiots from the bookshop arrive tonight you wait outside. When I have the map you can reclaim my money – if you catch my drift.
Lefty:Yeh, sure thing boss.
Righty:We get ya!
Winterbottom:Now go out the side entrance. I’m about to secure a deal with the man who will lead the safari. (Moves to side of stage) Please come in Mr Carter. Let’s get straight to the point. What say you to $5000 now and $15 000 on completion of the safari?
Carter:I’d say that’s very generous.
Winterbottom:Money is no object on this trip, if I find what I’m after. Let me go and find my cheque book.
(Livingstone enters from other side of stage)
Livingstone:Why you standing there beside that lion reminds me of my last safari.
Carter:Is that so?
Livingstone:Yes indeed. It was a most dangerous expedition, for we were after cats. Big cats! You know what I’m talking about?
Carter:Lions I imagine.
Livingstone:No imagining my friend. They were lions. Let me tell you the first morning there I bagged 64 lions. What a hunt!
Carter:Really!
Livingstone:Then I ran into an old friend of mine – Chris Carter. You know the big game hunter. He was really cheesed off. He hadn’t seen a lion for two weeks. I bagged them all, he didn’t get one! Of course when it comes to lions, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. I want to tell you something else too. He’s a phoney! Pretty nice guy, but a real phoney. In fact do you know who tames the lions that end up in the circus?
Carter:I can have a wild guess.
Livingstone:Me, Stanley Livingstone! The world’s greatest hunter!
Carter:No kidding.
Livingstone:Now what was your name?
Carter:Chris Carter.
Livingstone:Well it was nice meeting you. Now stick around while I tell you...Chris Carter! (Sweetie enters)
Sweetie:Good evening. I see you’ve met Mr Livingstone the big game hunter.
Carter:Yes indeed. He’s just been telling me about some of his exploits.
Sweetie:Did you tell him about the time you and Chris Carter went tiger hunting in India?
Carter:Yes, I’d like to hear that one.
Livingstone:He doesn’t want to hear that one.
Carter:Nonsense, I love to hear stories of brave people
and their exciting adventures.
Sweetie:Stanley said that he outshot Carter 5 to 1.
Livingstone:This is Chris Carter.
Sweetie:I’ll be seeing you around.
(He goes to exit as Miss Winterbottom returns)
Winterbottom:I see you’ve all met.
Carter:Yes, it seems we’re old hunting pals.
Winterbottom:Now Mr Livingstone, where’s the map?
Sweetie:I’m sorry but Mr Livingstone will not draw the map.
Livingstone:I won’t? (Looking surprised)
Winterbottom:But I must have that map. The whole success of the safari depends on it.
Sweetie:He insists on going on the safari to Africa with you.
Livingstone:I insist! (Surprised)
Sweetie:Back in Africa he’d feel right at home and it would be easier for him to retrace his journey with Cuttlefish.
Winterbottom:Excellent idea. Once we’re there he can personally guide us to the fork of the Ungabomgowa River.
Sweetie:Of course the price has changed. It will be $5000 in advance and $15 000 on completion.
Winterbottom:I will write you a cheque now. And for safety I’m going to assign you my best Backup Man.
Sweetie:What’s a Backup Man?
Winterbottom:Livingstone would know, being a great game hunter.
Livingstone:Of course I understand. But you’d better explain it to Sweetie. He doesn’t get out much.
Winterbottom:A Backup is the person who walks behind you. If you miss the first shot at a charging animal the Backup fires and saves your life. Here’s your Backup now. SFX 3
(Deadeye enters and feels his way across stage, bumping into the desk)
Deadeye:Pardon me, Miss.
Winterbottom:Deadeye I’d like you to meet Livingstone and Sweetie.
(Turns to shake hands in the opposite direction to the others)
Deadeye:Pleased to meet you and your lovely wife.
Sweetie:I don’t want to be nosy but what exactly are you looking for in Africa?
Winterbottom:We’re looking for a legendary white ape. It is supposed to live in the jungle near the fork of the Ungabomgowa River. Natives say it is bigger than an elephant with razor sharp claws and rows of sharp jagged teeth.
Livingstone:And he’s protecting me from that! I’m outta here!
(They give chase as he runs off stage)
Scene 4Cannibal Convention
(Numerous natives milling around eating and drinking whilst looking at display booths)
Narrator 4:Accountants attend Accounting Conventions so it makes
perfect sense that cannibals would have conventions too.
You wouldn’t want to go out to dinner with these guys.
Look closely at the Menu – you might be on it.
Can1:Long time no see. How are things with your tribe?
Can 2:No good. No jobs in jungle now. Especially when the only skill you have on your resume is the ability to eat someone. Most bosses aren’t looking for
that these days.
Can1:Unless they want to cut back on staff.
Can3:I lasted three days as a door-to-door salesman.
Can1:What happened?
Can3:I was fired for chewing people’s ears.
Can2:You just can’t please some people.
Can1:I hope this Convention is better than last year’s.
Can4:Let’s hope they found a different guest speaker. How many times have they flogged Hannibal Lecter?
Can1:(Grabbing waiter) You call this finger food? I don’t see any pinkies whatsoever on your tray!
Can 3:What’s on the menu this year?
Waiter:Spring rolls, eyeballs on toothpicks, brains in breadcrumbs, lashings of liver and gall bladders smothered in bile.
Can4:That’s disgusting! Spring rolls are gross! I wish to complain to the manager. Where can I find him?
Waiter:He’s standing beside the Witch Doctor.
Can4:Which doctor?
Witch Doctor:Yes!
Can4:Sorry, I didn’t mean you.
Witch Doctor:You make fun of me?
Can4:No, wait a minute, it was a mistake.
Witch Doctor:Last one you ever make! (Casting spell on Cannibal)
Fur of a frog with one leg missing
A photo of you and your girlfriend kissing
Mix them in with blood that’s smooth
Now you’ll find you cannot move! SFX 4
(He is frozen in the running pose)
Chief:Ungawa, stiffy stiffy potto yum yum bum.
(Natives collect frozen cannibal and remove from stage)
Witch Doctor:Tonight’s casserole will be a little meatier. (Starts laughing, everyone follows out of fear until he signals the end)
Can5:Where did you get that portable cauldron?
Witch Doctor:I made it myself. You can buy one at my stall – only six bananas or two for ten. Great for spells and curses on the go. Every good mobile Witch Doctor should have one. (Some of the natives rush away to buy these) Now that was only a small spell. You should have seen the one I did last month. I turned a whole village into a peanut.
Can1:Roasted or boiled?
Witch Doctor:Who said that? (Nobody owns up) Don’t mess with me man. I do voodoo!
Can2:Who do?
Can3:You do.
Witch Doctor:That voodoo, so well.
[Song – Voodoo – CD 5]
Scene 5Riverboat
(Chairs arranged in front of stage. Tourists are seated as Tour Guide describes the scenery)
Narrator 5:Irwing Henry Rawlings runs his own tourist cruise and is responsible for taking the Winterbottom safari into deepest, darkest Africa.
Rawlings:Good morning everyone! My name is Irvin Henry Rawlings and I’m your guide to deepest darkest Africa. On your right you will notice ... a tree. Please feel free to take photos at any time. (Righty stand up with camera) Not of the jungle, of me silly! Now I’m going to ask some of you questions to help us get to know each other better. (Walks to Miss Winterbottom) How was England when you left? Miserable and cold, I thought so. (Rawlings answers the questions himself. He goes over to Sweetie) How was your flight here? Long and boring, you’re telling me. (Moves to Lefty)
And how would you describe your first taste of Africa? Wild and exciting yes! That’s why I love being a Tour Guide here. But just listen to me grilling you for information. Why we hardly even know each other. Why don’t we come out the front, one at a time, say who we are and why we’ve come to this untamed land.
Winterbottom:My name is Amelia Winterbottom. I’m here to find out if the legend of the Great White Ape is true or not.
Lefty:I’m Lefty. I’m with her.
Righty:So am I.
Livingstone:Stanley Livingstone is my name. One of the world’s greatest game hunters(looks at Chris Carter) never to have set foot in Africa.
Sweetie:Hi, I’m Sweetie.
All:Hi Sweetie!
Sweetie:I’m here with Livingstone retracing the safari of the late Mr Cuttlefish.
Carter:I’m Chris Carter. I’m here to collect this Great White Ape – preferably alive!
Croc:Hey that’s my job mate!
Rawlings:Oh look on your left ... another tree!
Nikon:So sorry, my name Nikon. My brother Nikoff. We wish to find Great White Ape for new Japanese Theme Park.
Rawlings:All this talk about a Great White Ape. I hope you don’t mean Tarzan?
Croc:Is he really dangerous?
Nikoff:Larger than the largest lion?
Winterbottom:With big sharp teeth?
Livingstone:Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound?
Rawlings:No, none of the above. He’s just a jerk in a loin cloth that yells all the time. Ah, we’re here! Thank-you for travelling Gooly Gooly Cruises. Hope you enjoy your stay. Mind your step. One last thing. Don’t feed the cannibals!
(Laughs manically as he leave. Chairs from boat are removed)
Scene 6Jungle after cruise
Croc:Freeze! Don’t anybody move!
Winterbottom:What do you see? Is it a crocodile?
Croc:If I’m not mistaken, it’s the very rare Tit-Willow.
Righty:It’s just a little bird...
Croc:Stand back! Normally this is a very shy and quiet creature but when it’s annoyed...
Lefty:What’s it gonna do? Whistle us to death?
Croc:It’s a potential killer. We should be alright provided no one provokes it by shaking its tree like this. (Shakes the tree)