Coping with Grief – following a fatal road traffic collision
The death of someone close in a road crash is a terrible shock that can leave you with a range of very strong emotions and feelings. This page lists emotions and feelings often experienced. It can help to understand that these are very normal following such a traumatic bereavement.
I can’t believe it has happened.
It is common to feel as if the crash has not really happened – to expect a person who has died to walk through the door or call on the phone. It is common to talk about a person as if they are still alive. It is common to feel numb, bewildered and helpless from the shock. The shock can be particularly hard to bear each morning when waking up and realising it is true. It may seem so unfair – ‘why me?’ is a common thought.
I can’t do anything.
It may be hard to get up and get on with normal activities. Crises can draw out the best in us but they can also make us feel helpless. It is common to feel powerless and overwhelmed, which can be very frustrating and upsetting. It is easy to make mistakes at times of severe stress. It is wise to avoid high risk activities such as driving or using dangerous machinery, or be extra careful if you feel you have to do these things.
I feel scared.
Sudden bereavement can make people fearful. It is common to feel alone or to worry about being abandoned by people around you. It is common to be scared to go out. It is common to worry that other people, or you, will be killed on the road. It is common to suffer feelings of panic in a busy environment such as a shopping centre or a train station.
I have frightening thoughts, dreams or flashbacks.
Flashbacks about the crash, or events following the crash, may be experienced, when it feels like it is all happening again. This can be frightening and disturbing. Flashbacks may happen at any time. Vivid thoughts and dreams are common – these may be about the crash, or about a person who has died, or about a fear. It is common to dream that someone is still alive, which can be upsetting on waking. Many people find it helps to talk about fears, flashbacks, dreams or other symptoms. It can help to know that someone you trust and can talk to is nearby or on the end of a phone.
I feel so angry.
The injustice and senselessness of death on the road often leaves bereaved people feeling very angry. It is common to feel angry with a person who may be held responsible for the crash. It is common to feel angry with society for not treating road safety seriously. It is even common to have feelings of anger towards a person who has died – for leaving you and creating a big hole in your life. It is common to get worked up over minor things that are part of everyday life. For people who do not normally get angry, these feelings may be particularly distressing. It may help to remember that your anger is a symptom of your traumatic bereavement, rather than representing your true nature.
If only...
It is common to mull over the circumstances leading up to the crash and wonder if you, or others, could have done anything to stop it happening. ‘If only...’ is a common and particularly painful thought process. Bereaved people often wish they had told a person who has died how much they love or valued them. Thoughts like these may lead to a strong feeling of guilt that can be hard to explain to others, particularly if people know you have nothing to feel guilty about. Crying may help – many people find it is better to express their feelings than to hold back the tears.
I feel so tense and restless.
It is common to feel wound up. Stresses previously taken as being part of life can sometimes feel unbearable. This can make it difficult to rest, fall asleep or have peace of mind. It is common to feel jumpy. Listening to certain pieces of music or reading poetry may have special meaning to you and be restful.
I forget things.
It may be hard to concentrate. It may be hard to remember events and names. Bereaved people are often scared that they will forget what their friend or loved one looked like, or forget the sound of their voice. It may help to write down memories about the person who has died.
My plans are ruined.
When someone dies, plans for the future may be ruined. It may be difficult to make new plans. Big decisions may be particularly hard to make. It is common to be anxious about things. At first, you may wish to avoid making big decisions – it is easy to make wrong decisions under stress. To begin with, it may help to focus on just one thing at a time.
Nobody understands.
Sometimes well-meaning people might say inappropriate things which can be hurtful, such as ‘accidents happen’, or ‘you’ll get over it’. They may talk about their own bereavements that happened in circumstances you consider far less devastating. Some people may even behave as if nothing has happened – often because they are afraid they might say the wrong thing. Many people whose loved ones have died on the road are unhappy with the punishment given to someone who was held to blame. It can also be hard to bear if no-one is held to blame, or if a loved one who died was in some way to blame.
You may find it helps to find out what happened in the crash and about any official procedures taking place such as the police investigation.
Sometimes it all feels so pointless.
Sometimes it can all feel so pointless. Your deep sadness may mean it is hard to imagine being happy again. Many people find it helpful to know that other people bereaved by road crashes have gone on to lead full and happy lives, while still remembering with sorrow what happened.
Physical symptoms.
The trauma of your experience can place intense and prolonged pressure on your body resulting in physical symptoms. These can be painful and upsetting. Heart palpitations, feeling faint or dizzy, excessive sweating, tremors and choking sensations are common. Digestive problems may occur, such as diarrhoea, or you may struggle to eat well or often enough. Muscles may tense up. This may cause localised pains, such as headaches, stomach pains and backache. Women may find they suffer extra pain during menstruation, or menstruate at unusual times.
You may have difficulty sleeping. This may lead to tiredness and then exhaustion. Your energy levels may vary enormously. You may feel like you can’t do anything, or even feel hyperactive. You may have difficulty speaking. Stutters and jumbled sentences are common.
Whatever your physical symptoms, understanding that they are connected to your traumatic bereavement can help you to cope with them. Over time or with help from others they should subside.
The future.
Some peoplerecently bereaved by a road crashfeel they are in such a dark place thatthey cannotimagine ever being happy again.However, it is possible to recover from the shock, traumaandbleak feelings by looking after yourself and seeking help when needed.
Many people who are starting to feel generally more positive about life find that bad days and sad thoughts still occur. This is a normal part of grieving. For some people this happens particularly at times such as anniversaries. Sometimes something small such as a smell, sound, comment, or photograph can trigger thoughts. When something good happens it is sad that the event cannot be shared with a person who died. But, in time, it becomes easier to remember good timestoo and toenjoy life and the experiences it brings. It is not disloyal to someone who has died to feel happiness again.
Getting through each day
Looking after yourself at an early stage can help your symptoms to subside and helps prevent long-term damage to health and quality of life. Below are some suggestions that may help a little.
Be aware that your feelings may change anddon't bottle them up.
You may have different feelings at different times. Your feelings may change suddenly and unexpectedly. It can help to let people around you know that your emotions may be unpredictable and to ask these people to be understanding and supportive.Bottling up feelings is not a good idea. You may find it helps to talk about how you are feeling with those around you who care for you. They may want to offer support but not know how to ask how you are feeling. Sometimes it can also help to talk to someone who isn't close to you.
Be aware that your energy levels may vary and only do what you can.
Sometimes you may not have enough physical energy to be as active as you would wish. Sometimes you may not have enough mental energy to engage in difficult conversations. This may feel frustrating andupsetting. Only doing one thing at a time can help. Higher energy levels should return in time. At times, doing something gentle, such as going for a short walk in a park accompanied by someone who cares for you, may help more than staying in. Exercise – maybe walking, swimming, yoga or jogging– can be relaxing for some and help you to think positive thoughts. But don’t force yourself. If you feel you need to rest, then you should.
Getting enough sleep.
If you struggle sleeping, ensure you are avoiding caffeinated drinks in the evening and consider relaxation techniques (mentioned further on) just before sleeping. Your GP may be able to suggest medication to help you sleep, but this is not recommended for more than a few weeks at most. If you find you are regularly awake most of the night then drop off from exhaustion as dawn approaches, then, if possible, try to have a lie in. If there is anyone else in your house ask them to be quiet in the morning so you can sleep in late without disturbance.
Eating enough.
Some peopleforget to eat properly or find eating difficult. Try to eat a little, often. You may find it helps to stock your fridge and cupboards with foods that are tasty, good for you or comforting but take little time to prepare, such as fruit juice, pots of yoghurt, crackers, and carrot sticks. Unless you have specific dietary requirements, now is not a time to overly worry about calories. Eat what you want and when you want. If a cup of hot chocolate or apple crumble and custard is comforting to you, then eat it.
Use of substances.
Some people find that substances such as alcohol or cigarettes make them temporarily feel more able to cope. However, it is not helpful to use any substance, whether stimulant or tranquilliser, in order to manage your feelings. Alcohol, for example, is a depressant and can make you feel worse. It is much harder to identify and address emotional and physical feelings if they are masked by the effects of such substances.
Creative therapy.
You may find it helps to express yourself and remember a person who has died in creative ways. For example, by making a memory box containing items that belonged to them, or mounting photographs, painting a picture, writing a song ora poem, or planting some flowers or a tree. You will have your own ideas that work for you.
Relaxation techniques.
Consider relaxation techniques: Breathing in and out deeply and slowly for a few minutes can be calming. See below for a breathing exercise. This is something anyone can do anywhere – at work, on a bus, or in front of the TV. Therapies such as aromatherapy, or massage, or just running a deep, hot bubble bath can, for some people, help ease a small part of the tension. Don’t feel you have to be busy all the time. Sometimes you may just feel like sitting somewhere peaceful. Your recovery will take time and you need to make time for it.
An example of a relaxation breathing exercise.
This simple exercise is suitable for most people in reasonable health and can help some people who are not feeling calm. You can do it anywhere, anytime. It can be a useful exercise to do if you are feeling stressed in a public place, for example on a train.
Breathe in deeply, then breathe out deeply, then count to two.
Breathe in deeply, then breathe out deeply, then count to three.
Breathe in deeply, then breathe out deeply, then count to four.
Continue with the exercise, increasing each count by one each time, up to a maximum of counting six, then go back to two.
Enjoying activities.
Look forward to things,such as holidays, or challenges at work, but try to delay making big decisions until you feel you can cope. Some people find their long-standing hobbies, such as painting, dancing, playing music, cooking or gardening, or looking after pets, are therapeutic for them. Putting energy into loving other people can also be positive. But don’t forget to think about your own needs at the same time.
Talking to others and seeking help
Knowing what happened.
It may be better to know what happenedin the crash rather than imagine things that might not have happened. Police and medical personnel should be able to answer questions and you have a right to ask.
Talking to people close to you.
You may find that people close to you, such as any family or friends, provide you with important support. They may have wonderful qualities that go unnoticed in everyday life and which can be of great help in this time of crisis. Talking about how you feel and having a hug can help enormously. On the other hand, you may not have this support or may find it hard to talk to these people because they are grieving too. You may be experiencing different feelings at different times. You may feel they aren’t close enough, don’t understand, or are too busy. If you are having difficulty communicating with people close to you, it may help to read these pages together. This can help explain the feelings being experienced and make it easier for you to benefit from each other’s support.
Talking to a professional.
Many people find talking to someone who is not directly involved in the incident or who is not emotionally involved is a great help. A professional listening ear, allows you to talk through your feelings around the incident and to talk about how this has impacted on you and your life. Such services are normally free and confidential.
Talking to someone who has been through something similar.
Many people find it also helps to talk to someone outside their own circle of family and friends who has been through something similar and found a way to recover and lead a full and happy life again. Call the Brake helpline on 0808 800 0401. They can put you in touch with people bereaved by road crashes or with people who have suffered the death of a particular family member such as a child, parent, partner or sibling, through our own networks or through partnership with other charities and organisations.
Talking to children.
In many ways, the needs of children are the same as the needs of adults. It is important for children to understand what has happened, and to be given opportunities to talk about it and feel supported. Ask your police contact or call the Brake helpline on 0808 800 0401 for a free Brake children’s version of this book called ‘Someone has died in a road crash’. It is suitable for all ages and contains helpful, warm pictures. You can also call Brake for national and local support services specifically for bereaved children and their families or go to their website for carers of suddenly bereaved children
Seeking professional help to aid your recovery.
Some people bereaved by road crashes find their symptoms as described in these pages begin to subside within a month or two. These people still feel grief stricken, but are no longer suffering symptoms of trauma. However, it is also normal for people bereaved in such a terrible way to find trauma symptoms or feelings of very deep sadness don't improve or get worse. In this case, it can be beneficial to seek help through your GP or privately to recover from these symptoms. It is not a sign of weakness to seek this support.
The first step is to have your needs assessed. You are suffering from symptoms from a traumatic bereavement but sometimes health professionals find it helpful to diagnose these symptoms as a condition, most commonly Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or depression resulting from a traumatic bereavement. Such diagnoses are normal and do not mean you have been labelled as mentally ill; these diagnoses are just a way of the medical profession defining your symptoms so they can try to help you appropriately.
Following such a diagnosis, the most appropriate help is most commonly a series of talk-based counselling sessions (usually eight or more), where you spend time talking with a counsellor who is qualified and experienced in helping people traumatically bereaved. The counsellor talks with you about what has happened, your symptoms, and the future. This counselling is usually a special kind called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Children need the same assessment and counselling as adults, and there are counsellors that specialise in helping traumatically bereaved children in particular.