Subject: Fw: holiday Greetings
----- Time for those much-maligned and soon-to-be torched Christmas form
letters. Typically, those I receive always include updates about the
children, the family's soaring finances, extravagant vacations and
gloriously perfect lives. Here's a sample, a composite not too unlike form
letters from past and current holiday seasons.
"Dear Colossal Circle of Friends and Family:
"What a year! Our adorable Lauren Elizabeth was placed in the `Cranially
Superior' program at the Ivy League Preparatory Pre-school Academy. Her test
scores were off the charts. It's such a joy to watch her excel at such a
blinding rate. Remember, this is the child who read "Ulysses'' crib-side.
"Our son James Preston Jr. was just accepted at Einstein Prep for Brilliant
Boys with two full scholarship offers. We are torn between the soccer
scholarship, including the Porsche and date with Britney Spears, and the
academic allotment that comes with cash advances and an open-ended American
Express card. Oh, the choices of parenthood!
"As for us, we're all superb. Mark Sr., my thoughtful, loving husband, was
just promoted to President and CEO of the `Cement America' project, a plan
to have a stucco strip mall illuminating every two to three blocks
throughout the country.
"As for myself, I can't believe the difference going to the gym six hours a
day, seven days a week, has made. I've got thighs that could chop trees (our
favorite hobby), biceps that could raise the roof on a new Sak's,
and my tush is so small, I have to scrounge for size 2 Calvins, which are
still too BIG!
"Life is lovely. We have a new SUV that gets 3 miles per gallon but is
equipped with a complete kitchen and a garden tub. Not that I'm much of an
eater, but I do like a hot bath with my celery sticks. Then James goes and
uses 10 percent of his Christmas bonus for a new Mercedes convertible. The
little devil. "Meanwhile, we're adding another 5,000 square feet to our
spacious villa in St. Lucia. Next, we're buying 1,000 acres in the
rainforest so those poor dears will have a chance to go outlet shopping. In
a way, we're bringing Tommy Girl to the Amazon.
"But first, I'm having a tummy tuck, liposuction and breast augmentation.
My hunky James can't wait to have me looking like his Phi Mu princess again.
And I can't wait to weigh 95 pounds once more.
"Well, that does it for us Joneses. Don't even try to keep up with us. You
just can't do it. Kiss. Kiss.
Seasons Greetings.
"P.S. Hope your kids are getting by. It's hard being average, bless your
hearts."