A SOUVENIR COPY OF

THE MESSAGES FROM THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY AND TERRY WAITE

TO MARK THE OCCASION OF THE FIRST NATIONAL SERVICE OF THANKSGIVING FOR S.O.B.S.

APRIL 21ST 2007

A Message from Mr. Terry Waite CBE

I have the deepest sympathy with those who commit suicide and with the relatives and friends who are left questioning what more they might have done to avert such a tragedy. Many who take their own life have plunged to the depths of despair and have experienced the blackness that is known by those who have the misfortune to suffer from acute depression.

I have frequently been asked if, during the long years of my captivity, I was ever tempted to take my own life. I well remember during the latter years of my incarceration falling ill with a severe bronchial infection. My captors did not provide me with suitable medication and the problem increased. I was chained by the hands and feet and slept on a mattress on the floor but my illness meant that I could not lie down and so day and night I sat in a trance like state gasping for breath. At that point I recollect thinking that death would almost be preferable to what seemed to be a living death. However, something within me told me not to give in. I did not want to end my life on this earth in such a miserable way and I certainly did not want my family and friends not to know how I had spent my last days. It was then that I learned how difficult physical and mental suffering can be. Suffering is never easy. It is always painful and I can well understand those who feel that they have simply had enough and are tempted to give up. However, there is an important truth that is true for all people and is enshrined within the Christian Faith. Suffering need not destroy. Out of suffering it is quite possible for something new and creative to emerge. Many of the great works of art and other creative endeavours have emerged from situations of great suffering. We don’t have to look for suffering-it will find us. It is no respecter of persons. We can’t understand it fully but thousands of men and women have shown that it need not destroy. The central symbol of the Christian Faith is the cross-a-symbol of suffering. Beyond the cross lies the resurrection-hope.

If we can but keep the faintest glimmer of hope alive deep within ourselves then it can be possible for suffering to be transformed. It may not happen quickly and it certainly won’t be easy. Today, there will be relatives and friends here of those who have ended their own lives and who are still suffering as a result. Take heart and gently allow that inner suffering to be transformed into a deeper compassion for the suffering of this world. We stand together. We belong together. We will not be destroyed.

Sobs Remembrance Service - Melanie Dawson – A reflection

So many of us – so many of us: was what I thought as I sat in Tewkesbury Abbey waiting for the Sobs Remembrance Service to begin. Whilst intellectually appreciating that we were not the first family to suffer such a tragedy, in those initial weeks following Simon’s death I felt utterly isolated and yet so conspicuous : as if I were wearing a huge sandwich board that read “She’s the one, she’s the one whose husband committed suicide“. Now I, sadly, understand, that there are so many of us who belong to this exclusive club that none want to be members of.

Coming together to remember our loved ones, to lament their passing and to draw strength from each other was inspiring. Over two hundred people gathered at Tewkesbury Abbey on Saturday 21st of April to pay tribute to our relatives who had died, and in a sense to pay tribute to ourselves for “dealing” with such unimaginable grief – and thus the theme was “the resilience of the human spirit“.

Messages of support from both The Archbishop of Canterbury and Terry Waite were read to the congregation. The Archbishop, with great eloquence, identified the trauma of suicide by acknowledging the work of Sobs; “the work of this organization is of crucial importance in helping people through times of the most acute guilt, confusion, self-doubt and self-reproach, and I am grateful that this ministry is carried on with such dedication and compassion“.

The act of placing a stone around the Paschal Candle to represent our loved one, and then the retrieving of a stone which was not our own symbolized how we share in and carry each other’s burden of grief. The overwhelming feeling (for me at least) was one of great sadness but of great love as well. If love alone had been enough to save our relatives and friends then Sobs would and need not exist .

The Service brought to mind the words of Al Hsu in his book “Grieving a suicide “. He wrote of his home state of Minnesota, a state known for its heavy winters with its dangerous snowfalls :”it’s always easier to walk through snowdrifts if you place your feet in the footsteps of those who trudged through earlier. Survivors of suicide can feel as if they are caught in a winter storm of epic proportions. The road ahead looks bleak and daunting. It may not seem to lead anywhere, or you may seem to be going in circles. You may feel as if you are frozen in place. You may think that you’ll die. But wherever you are on the journey, know that the path you tread is one that others have trod “.

In addition to acknowledge the lives of our loved ones rather than the manner of their death is so very important. How little we understand the pain of mental illness – the author William Styron encapsulated the position perfectly “the pain of severe depression is quite unimaginable to those who have not suffered it, and it kills in many instances because its anguish can no longer be borne….to the tragic legion who are compelled to destroy themselves there should be no more reproof attached than to the victims of terminal cancer “.

The Service concluded with the congregation processing down the nave and out of the Abbey doors. Our individual tragedies allow us to hold out our hands to others on this unbidden road, to give and to receive strength from each other. Let us hope that this is just the start of these Services of Remembrance.

Photo courtesy Nigel Walker

Acknowledgement and thanks

The First National Service of Thanksgiving for S.O.B.S was initiated by the S.O.B.S. Gloucester Group It was a beautiful service conducted with dignity and sensitivity. Thanks and appreciation must go to the small committee who undertook this project - Trish Thomas, Roger and Judy Smith, Suzanne Mattingley and the Reverend Canon Paul Williams. Further thanks to the choir from Malvern School, their Director Iain Sloan and Organist Michael Phillips. The choir’s presence and performance contributed to making the event special. Appreciation to Roger and Judy Smith for contacting the school and arranging for the choir to be with us on this day.