Parenting in Windows Running Notes
- Place up in the four corners of the area the quadrant posters – as you explain them, move to that corner and invite people co stand with you if they think they are hearing anything familiar!
- Have cut up quadrant squares ready to go
SLIDE 1 – The Social Control Window
The workshop is based on the chaptertitled Parenting in Windows from the book “Raising Beaut Kids: Recipes for Parents on when to say ‘yes’ and how to say ‘no’” By Bill Hansberry and Mark LeMessurier.
I want this session to be both refreshing and gently confronting, but so to minimize those dreadful feelings of ‘parenting shame’ we all live with, I want to add a playful element to today’s theme and have you working, and responding in groups a bit later on.
Those slips of paper on your seats are what we’ll use to get you into groups, so hold on to them
However, before we start I want to place the spotlight on you.
As we prepare for the challenge of parenthood we don’t realise challenge and stimulate our intellectual and emotional growth!
The greatest challenge is that our kids provide us with the most powerful evidence of our anxieties, frailties, fears, dreams, hopes and lost opportunities.
Our kids grow us upand trigger a second stage in our growth as humans – an emotional growth spurt if you like!
So, what do you understand about the way you parent?
Do you know about your need to control? Is CONTROL a strong or weak force in you? Why?
Alternatively, do you find yourself creating DISTANCE from the kids because the challenge is too hard?
Let’s get close up and very personal.
We’ll use the ‘Social control window’
This window has a rich history in the literature around leadership, teaching and parenting.
You may have seen something very similar to this before. It’s been used in many management training programs and mode than a few parenting books as well!
One of its more interesting applications was by a fellow called Dan Glaser, who was researching the different types of relationships that existed between prison wardens and inmates, and which of the different modes of ‘being in authority’ was most likely to create conditions where inmates could rehabilitate successfully.
The Restorative Justice community embraced this model to help explain the type of relationships between those in authority, and others that deliver the best outcomes (behaviorally / performance wise). Naturally, this model then applies in any setting when there’s someone in charge of somebody else.
We can all relate to this then as parents, students, teaches, employees, supervisors, managers, CEO’s, business owners and so on.
So as we look at this model for relationships and management, you’ll naturally think about lots of different places and people.
Today we look at the social control window as it relates to our role as parents.
The ‘window’ creates four possibilities of how others experience our leadership at home.
Let me explain each window in the hope you might find the one you tend to live in or jump into when things are not going so well.
So first of all you’ll notice this thing that looks like a window – stay with me! If you work in certain fields, you’re probably sick of windows, jigsaw pieces, flow diagrams or funny looking 3D pictures!
On the ‘y’ axis we have those things that we do with kids that might be loosely described as ‘strictness’ or ‘firmness’. The stuff we do around making expectations clear and following up (even applying consequence) when kids fall short of expectations. The arrow indicates that we can be really ‘high’ on doing this firm stuff, or we cannot do much of it at all!
If you think of a traditional disciplinarian who follows the mantra ‘children are to be seen and not heard’ or ‘spare the rod – spoil the child’, you kind of get an image of what the high end of this looks like. Alternatively, if you imagine the ‘hippy parent’, who believes in kids running free, no accountability, no care, doing whatever they want with no boundaries, you can conceptualize the low end of this continuum.
On the ‘x’ axis, we see a contrasting set of behaviors of that people in authority show. These are to do with how much we do for kids – how much nurturance of offer, how much support we give, how much we show that we love them and are interested in them. Again, we can do a whole lot of this stuff, or we can do very little of it.
So – four possibilities of how kids see us emerge! Did you catch the language I just used…how kids see us! What matters here is how we are seen by those we are in authority over, not where we think we operate most of the time.
CLICK – Punitive Quadrant
You need to have control, and the kids need to see you being strong and exercising it.
“You must,” “you will,” “you won’t,” “I want” and “I want it now” or the old chestnut “don’t make me come over there”.
You see yourself as firm, fair and demanding of high standards. Barbara Colorosso in her book ‘Kids are Worth it’ describes you as the ‘brick wall’ parent.
You are strong on power, boss ... do things in the name of right, respect and responsibility. After all, it’s for the good of the kids!
You keep the lid on the behaviour of your kids if not constantly controlled they will stray. You are on them constantly about what they do, say, don’t do or say or even what you think they might be thinking.
You think praise is for the weak, so the most encouragement your kids get from you is not being told off or yelled at for something. You might fear that the moment you start encouraging them – they’ll slack off and stop trying.
You get a ‘D’ for understanding what motivates humans to do better and improve.
When things go wrong you flip out. Your taunts and rebukes are often loud and very public and they are aimed at embarrassing your wayward kids back into line.
The focus is on whose fault it was, who is to blame and what the right punishment is, and not so much on how individuals or relationships have been affected.
Fairness is all about seeking justice and retribution.
Here you are great entertainment value for kids as they wind you up and watch you rev up and then your predictable explosive reactions.
Have you had the uneasy sense that one of your kids has been winding you up lately, at a time when your sense of humour was a very long, way away. If you spend too much time here, your kids start to lose faith that you have any interest in them as a person at all.
What they do pick up on is that you are far more interested in looking to the outside world as a parent who has their kids ‘in line’ and ‘under control’.
You don’t give an inch – dead scared they they will take a mile. You’re loathed to admit mistakes or that you might have overreacted because that’s an admission of weakness that the kids will exploit
The kids have sussed you out and most of the time, they just work around you.
The research tells us that kids raised by parents in this zone are more prone to problems like delinquency, drug addiction, risky sexual behaviour and other issues that we all dread as parents.
CLICK – Neglectful Quadrant
Here you offer little support and guidance to your kids.
You have few expectations because this reduces conflict around home.
Your kids have authority over you.
You appear weak because you rarely set limits.
You are barely surviving life – you’re tired, sad, burnt out, broke, etc.
This is where neglect, avoidance and survival styled behaviours live. You love the kids, but they just take too much work at the moment.
They seem to make the rules and rule! They tend do as they please.
And, you’ve learnt to turn the blind eye.
If questioned about their behaviour your reply would l be, “I try my best. What else can I do?”
In this place, kids are largely ignored at worst and tolerated at best and they learn quickly that there’s little to no interest in them. When we are in this window for too long, our kids live with an unremitting sense of shame because the people in their lives who they are most interested in, have little interest in them. This shame causes some kids to withdraw into themselves and away from social connection or very quickly develop a defence mechanism of no longer being interested in their parents.
CLICK – Permissive Quadrant
Wow! You offer great levels of support and encouragement. You show care!
You offer loads of encouragement and care to the kids.
Sadly however, when it really counts, you lack the capacity to set consistent rules, routines and expectations.
You tend to serve your kids and mostly apply an approach that is easy going, lenient and “friendshippy”.
You love being their friend and the thought that you might fall out of favour with your kids is devastating.
Given this, it’s not surprising that you excuse and downplay your kid’s obnoxious and tricky behaviours.
You are your kids most fervent supporters and take massive umbrage to anyone who challenges your kid’s conduct at school, on the sporting field, at the playground, café or supermarket when they need to be challenged.
You may think that the world is an unfriendly and dangerous place and that the only one who has your kid’s best interests at heart is you.You become their greatest protector and excuser – the classic ‘helicopter’, ‘cotton wool’ or ‘lawnmower’ or ‘snowplough parent’.
You may have become dedicated to fighting those who seem insistent on stealing your kid’s mojo and denying their right to always be happy, winning and confident.
But the kids constantly push you to find where the boundaries lie and how far you’ll let them stretch. The kids are feeling in the dark for the consistent boundaries that you fail to set, and stick to. Their dreadful behaviour is a plea – ‘please show me where it’s at so I can stop pushing’
The kid’s behaviours become increasingly outrageous ... they keep looking for you to set boundaries. You’re not seeing this though. You fear saying ‘no’ to your kids.
You’ve given up the dream that your kids will ever be well behaved and might have decided that the world is made up of two types of kids – those born compliant and calm, and kids born like yours. You think it’s just luck of the draw. Make no mistake, you are in deep denial!
When you are pushed too far you SNAP! You become punitive.
When you hand punishments down the kids become resentful, surly and angry because you were too severe.
Next day, once your emotion has settled, you feel as though you acted too quickly and spoke too harshly.
So to make things right you return to being permissive, sometimes delivering an apology for your actions, but definitely sucking back up to them.
You see your children as objects of need and because of this; you do things for them that they could be doing for themselves.
The emerging research tells us that when we parent too often in this quadrant, we run the risk of raising kids with narcissistic personalities
CLICK – Authoritative / Restorative Quadrant
In the good times ... working in this fabulous zone. The research tells us that this is where the most attached;resilient and balanced kids come from.
You have high levels of understanding, encouragement and nurturance.
You make expectations clear by providing appropriate limits, structures and boundaries.
You tend to read your kids well because you’ve developed an emotional interest in them – you watch them.
You know them, and mostly they reciprocate with warmth and respect.
Even when a problem occurs, it can be dealt with so the kids are left feeling comfortable. Sure, they will get some pretty direct feedback from you about what needed doing and also what must happen to remedy a situation.
You understand that the kids won’t thank you for your feedback, but you’ve delivered it in a way that doesn’t embarrass or belittle them (as tempting as you know this can be).
You model apology and readily admit your mistakes – this makes your kids feel very warm toward you.
You can live without being in their favour because you don’t need their love and approval 24/7 to feel like you are a good parent.
You manage a balance between encouraging their independence, smothering them or offering too much advice.
If only all parents could do this amazing juggling act all the time, just like you!
Respect has less to do with your power or position, and much more to do with relationship.
Problems and conflicts are inevitable, but can be seized upon as valuable learning opportunities
Phrases such as “us,” “we,” “our family,” affirming that cohesion within the family is valued.
You constantly revisit, adapt and follow up rules and expectations in an open and emotionally steady manner.
You are a leader respected for who you are and not what you are.
Your talk is always centred on ways to find improvement and make things right again when things go wrong. And, you understand that things will go wrong. That’s life!
SLIDE 3 – Chat time 2m
SLIDE 4 – So let’s play
You’ve got a strip of paper with four boxes on it – that’s your guide as we go on a magical tour of the quadrants of the social control window.
That’s right! You get to respond permissively, punitively or authoritatively. I’ve left out neglectfully because that's just too obvious!
Now, look at your strip of paper. You’ll see four windows, with ‘scenarion1, 2, 3 and 4’ in the middle. Just look at the ‘scenario 1’ window. It will either have ‘TO’, ‘FOR’ or ‘WITH’ inside it.
As quickly as you can, go and find a few others with the same descriptor in it – if you can quickly find 6 or 7 others, that’s cool, but because there are so many of us, I’m okay if the group is bigger.
Your task is to develop a way of responding to this situation from your quadrant to share with the rest of us. You’ll have two minutes at each to agree (as best you can) on what a parent operating from your quadrant might do and say in the scenario.
Have fun
Presenter: Read through the scenarios on the PowerPoint (as many as time permits) and give groups a few minutes to agree on a parenting response to that situation that would sit within the quadrant they are assigned. They will then feedback to the larger group their (often humorous) responses.
Re assign groups with a new quadrant before doing each new scenario so the groups get to work on at least 2 of the quadrants
SLIDE 8 – Angry Man Face
Well, there you have it!
…a revealing insight into how we lead, see authority and manage our children.
In truth, we each spend some time in each of these quadrants. None of us lives all of the time in one of them. Are you relieved to hear that? Did you think it was just you?
Our visits to each of these parenting quadrants are governed by our emotional states; moods, motivations, engagement, levels of anxiety or stress, how fresh we feel and so on.
BUT: Each of us has a quadrant that we ‘live in’ or ‘default to’ when things go wrong.
Our challenge is to continually push into the restorative/ authoritative domain.
So, the next time there is a conflict or you need to make a decision as a parent think of the ‘Social Control’ window and ask yourself just 2 questions;
- Which window am I in right at the moment?
- Will remaining in this window result in a constructive solution to the problem?
If you want to buy a copy of Raising Beaut Kids – go to and follow the links to the purchase page of Bill’s website.
Thanks – question time.
Hansberry Educational Consulting ©2015