Skill Building Exercise 4: Facilitating Self-Disclosure
Learning to facilitate the disclosures of others is a delicate art and one that is best explained by example. Consider, therefore, the first act of "Tommy's Family," a dialogue written to illustrate the failure to facilitate another's disclosures. Note the specific ways in which Tommy's father, mother, and sister fail to help him share his feelings.
The Family:
Tommy, 12 years old, and obviously troubled
Frank, Tommy's father
Millie, Tommy's mother
Sally, Tommy's teenage sister
"TOMMY'S FAMILY"
ACT I. THE FAILURE
[Tommy enters living room, throws books down on coffee table, and goes to the refrigerator.]
Frank (to Millie): What's wrong with him?
Millie: I don't know. He's been acting strange the last few days.
Sally: Acting strange? He is strange. Weird.
[Tommy comes back into the living room, sits down and stares into space]
Frank: Well, when you're 12 years old that's the way it is. I remember when I was 12. When I was your age, the big thing was girls. You got a girl, Tommy?
Sally: Hey Mom, how about driving me to the mall? I gotta get a new dress for next week.
Millie: Okay. I need a few things at K-Mart. You need anything Tommy? You don't want to come with us, do you?
Sally: Please say no. If people see us together, they'll think we're related. God! My life would be ruined. People would ignore me. No one would talk to me.
Frank: Okay. Okay. That's enough. You two go to the mall. I'm going bowling with Pete and Joe. Tommy will be okay home alone.
Tommy: Yeah.
Sally: Mom, let's go.
Millie: Alright. I just have to call Grandma and see if she's okay.
Sally: Oh, that reminds me. I have to call Jack. Lori left him for a college guy and he's really down in the dumps. I thought I'd call to cheer him up.
Millie: Can't you do that when we get back?
Sally: Yeah, I guess.
Frank: Well, you guys have fun. I'm off to bowl another 200 game. Joe is still bowling under 140 so Pete and I are going to try to give him a few tips.
Millie: Hello, Mom? How are you doing? Is the arthritis acting up? I figure that with this weather it must be really bad.
Sally: Come on, Mom.
[Frank exits; Tommy turns on TV]
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In this dialogue Tommy's father, mother, and sister illustrate the typical failure to help another person share feelings. Although Tommy gave enough signals - throwing books down on the coffee table, saying nothing, staring into space - nobody showed any real concern and nobody encouraged him to talk about what was on his mind. Note too that even though the father was aware that Tommy was disturbed, he directed his question to Millie instead of Tommy. And in his comment he expressed negative evaluation ("What’s wrong with him?".) Even if Tommy wanted to talk about his feelings, his father effectively closed the door to any empathic communication.
Note also that the few comments addressed to Tommy (for example, the father's "You got a girlfriend?" and the mother's "You don't want to come with us, do you?") fail to consider Tommy's present feelings. The father's comment is intimidating and seems more a reference to his own macho image than a question about Tommy. The mother's comment is negative and, in effect, asks Tommy not to join them.
But the most damaging part of this interaction occurs when father, mother, and sister not only ignore Tommy's feelings and problems, but each expresses concern for someone else - sister for Jack, father for Joe, and mother for Grandma. Their comments tell Tommy that he is not worth their time and energy but that others are. Even when both the father and mother ignore the put-downs of Tommy's sister (normal as they may be among young children), they reinforce the idea that Tommy is unworthy. In their silence, they communicate agreement.
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ACT II. THE SUCCESS
[Tommy enters living room, throws books down on coffee table, and goes to the refrigerator.]
Father (calling into the kitchen): Hey, Tommy, what's up? You look pretty angry.
Tommy: It's nothing. Just school.
Sister: He's just weird, Dad.
Father: You mean "weird" like the mad scientist in the old movies?
Sister: No. You know what I mean--he's different.
Father Oh, well that's something else. That's great. I'm glad Tommy is different. The world doesn't need another clone and Tommy is certainly no clone. At 12 years old, it's not easy being unique. Right Tommy?
Tommy (to sister): Yeah, unique.
Father (to mother and daughter): Are you still planning to go to the mall?
Sister: Yeah, I have to get a new dress.
Mother: And I need some things at K-Mart. Are you going bowling?
Father: Well, I was planning on it but I thought I might cancel and stay home. Tommy, you got any plans? If not, how about doing something together?
Tommy: No. You want to go bowling.
Father: I can bowl anytime. After all, what's another 200 game? It's hardly a challenge. Come on. How about we take a drive to the lake and take a swim - just the two of us. And I'd like to hear about what's going on in school.
Tommy: Okay, let's go. I need to put on my trunks. You know I can swim four lengths without stopping.
Father: Four lengths? Well, I got to see that. Get those trunks on and we're out of here.
Sister: Mom, let's go-o-o-o.
Mother: Okay. Okay. Okay. But, I have to call Grandma first to see if she's alright.
Father: Let me say hello too.
Mother (to Tommy and sister): You two want to talk to Grandma too?
Sister: Of course. I got to tell her about this great new guy at school.
Mother: Oh, I want to hear about this too. Well, we'll have plenty of time to talk in the car.
Tommy: Hey Mom, I gotta tell Grandma about my new bike. So let me talk first so Dad and I can get to the lake.
[later, Tommy and Father in car]
Father (puts arm on Tommy's shoulder): School got you down?
Tommy: It's this new teacher. What a pain. I can't understand what he's talking about. Maybe I'm just stupid.
Father: What don't you understand?
Tommy: I don't know. He calls it pre-geometry. What's pre-geometry?
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This interaction is drastically different from the previous one and illustrates three ways you can use to facilitate self-disclosure.
- Address feelings directly. Notice that Tommy's feelings are addressed immediately and directly by his father.
2. Show concern for the other person and the other person’s feelings. The father shows concern for Tommy's feelings by asking him about his feelings and then about school. He shows that he cares for Tommy by defending him. For example, he turns Sally’s negative comment into a positive one (from "weird" to "unique") and gives up bowling to be with Tommy. He continues to show caring and concern by putting Tommy first--ahead of his bowling and ahead of his friends, Pete and Joe.
3. Be supportive rather than evaluative. The father further helps Tommy to disclose by being supportive and nonevaluative. Instead of asking Tommy "What's wrong with you?" he reflects Tommy's feelings, using the information that Tommy has already revealed ("School got you down?"). This is a good example of active listening (see Skills boxes in Chapters 7 and 8).
This dialogue is just an introductory one and merely sets the stage for meaningful self-disclosure. Both Tommy and his father are comfortable and away from any distractions. Tommy knows that his father is interested in him and that he is not going to find fault with him or otherwise give him a hard time. The atmosphere is supportive and nonthreatening.
For Discussion. What else can you add to the analyses of the two dialogues presented here?