Six Reconciliation Needs of Mourners[1]
The “needs” described below aren’t intended to be a progression from one to the next, to the next and so on, but rather they should be seen as concepts to work on with mourners so that they can find their own paths to reconciling the loss and moving on to live well and love well in their lives. Journey of Hope has adopted these needs as curriculum strands around which we build lessons and activities.
1. Acknowledge the reality of the death.Before he can move on in his grief journey, the bereaved child/teen must be helped to gently confront the reality that someone he loves has died and will not return.
2. Embrace—move toward—the pain of the loss while being nurtured physically, emotionally and spiritually. To heal, the bereaved child must be not just allowed, but encouraged to embrace the wide range of thoughts and feelings that result from death. The task is often complicated by adults who want to protect the child from the impact of the death. This tendency is understandable, but in prematurely moving the child away from the hurts of grief, well-intentioned but misinformed adults can interfere with the child’s healing and may even cause long-term harm.
3. Remember the person who died. Convert the relationship from one of presence to one of memory. Precious memories, occasional dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship and living legacies are among the manifestations of the different form of a continued relationship.
4. Develop a new self identity based on a life without the person who died. Among the most difficult changes that bereaved children and teens encounter are those that reflect personal identity. The death of someone loved can, and often does, permanently change one’s self perception.
5. Search for meaning. Relate the experience of the death to a context of meaning. This involves allowing the child/teen to search for and restore a sense of meaning in life after the death. Many “how” and “why” questions (to which we adults do NOT have all the answers) may be asked by searchers. Allowing bereaved children/teens to struggle, question beliefs, and even suffer as they seek their own answers, will provide them an opportunity to teach us about the meaning they discover for their lives going forward.
6. Receive ongoing support from others. We have come to understand that grief is a process, not an event. The long-term nature of grief means that bereaved children and teens will need adult stabilizers in their lives long after the event of the death. As they grow into adulthood they will mourn the loss in different ways at various developmental phases. Grief-bursts often occur during pivotal life moments—birthdays, holidays, vacations, first date, graduation, getting married. As caring adults we have a responsibility to remain available to these children long into the future.
[1] As described in Healing the Bereaved Child, Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., (Ft. Collins, CO: Companion Press), 1996.