Single Parent Dating

Single Parent Dating
By Karen Clevering, Clinical Content Editor, United Behavioral Health. © 2003 UBH. All rights reserved.
Last Reviewed: January2004

After separation or divorce, getting back into the dating scene can be a very different experience than it was before you had children. You now have responsibilities, not just to yourself but also to your family. Though you can still have fun dating and experience a fulfilling relationship, be cautious and careful for your kids’ sake and your own.

Dating can introduce many new possibilities into your life, but it can also create problems. You need to think carefully about how it will affect your kids before you start to date. Here are some areas to reflect on.

Your Needs –
Before you leap into the single dating scene, think about what you want and what you need. Make sure that you have closure from your past relationship before you start a new one. Here are some things to consider:

What are you looking for? Some single parents are interested in meeting and dating many new people, while others are looking for a serious committed relationship. Make the decision based on your needs. Be honest with the individuals you are dating and with your children.
What will his/her role be? Though you may be tempted to let your new boyfriend/girlfriend assume the role of your child’s other parent, this is never a good idea. It can cause unnecessary confusion for your kids, especially if your relationship is brief. His/her role should be that of a friend. Don’t put everyone in an awkward position by allowing your friend to take on parenting responsibilities like disciplining. Your friend’s role, however, has room to develop and change through commitment and trust in your relationship.
What will your kids think? Don’t expect your kids to like your new friend as much as you do. Depending on how long you have been a single parent, they may still be adjusting. Allow them to get to know your friend on their own terms and over time. There is no rush.
When do you introduce your friend to your kids? It is usually not wise to introduce every person you date to your family. You are not keeping secrets, but you are protecting your kids from unnecessary confusion. Though your date should always know about your family, wait until you are both serious about your relationship to introduce him/her to your kids. It is also advisable to introduce your date as your new friend and leave it at that. Many kids don’t understand the dating process and can make false assumptions.
When is the best time to date? It may be easier initially to date new people while your kids are away for the weekend, with their other parent or a relative. This way, you don’t feel guilty about not spending time with them. If your relationship continues, and your friend becomes more present in your family life, include him/her in family activities. Your kids can get to know him/her, and you get to spend time with everyone. Make sure to set aside couple time and family time. A healthy relationship needs this balance.
What about overnight guests? If you and your friend decide to take your relationship to this level, be very considerate of your children and what they may think, if there is another person at the breakfast table. Ideally it is best to have these dates when your kids are not around. If this is not possible, ask your date to leave before the kids get up. Remember that your kids are watching and learning from you. Your teens will inevitably ask, “if you can do it, why can’t I?”

How Dating Affects your Kids –
Because your kids are your top priority, you need to also think about their needs when dating.

How much should they know? Try having family discussions with your kids and explain your relationship. But be sure to be age-appropriate. They need to know that you are dating someone, but they don’t need to hear about adult problems or issues. Find a close friend to talk to or a support group instead. In some cases, kids feel threatened by the new person in their parent’s life. This is particularly common if an older daughter has provided a caretaker role to her single father. If you anticipate these feelings address them by telling your kids how much you care for them and make an effort to spend quality time with them without your new friend.
What is appropriate? It is especially important from the beginning that you model a healthy relationship. As much as it is about two adults getting to know each other, it is also a model that will influence your kids’ future relationships. Make this a positive learning experience. It is important to remember this when you and your friend display affection and interact. The rule “practice what you preach” certainly applies here. If you have teens, think about how you would want them to act on a date, and be particularly mindful of your teenager’s developing sexuality.

Helpful Dating Guidelines –
After you have carefully considered how you want to incorporate dating into your busy life. Consider these helpful dating guidelines from single parents:

Do’s and Don’ts –

Do date initially in public places or through group activities - for safety. You also might consider meeting your date rather than having him/her know where you live.
Do try to date while your children are away or busy.
Do introduce your date to your kids as a friend.
Do value your kids’ opinion of your date.
Don’t miss school events or other family obligations for a date.
Don’t share inappropriate information with your kids.
Don’t allow your kids to know about your sexual relationship.

Essential Qualities –

Your new friend should:

Not try to discipline your children for you or tell you how to raise your children.
Be willing to be introduced to your children slowly.
Accept your boundaries for affection and attention in front of your children.
Speak respectfully and age-appropriately to everyone in your family.
Be patient and understanding when children are jealous or are “acting out.”
Remember and accept that your kids come first.
Be willing to participate in family rituals, holidays, and celebrations.
Have realistic expectations about your kids. He/she may not initially connect with them and vice versa.

If your date is unwilling to do these things, you may want to re-visit how important this person is to you.

Conclusion –
Having a healthy social life is very important for single parents because you need interaction with adults and an outlet from child-related stress. Before you decide to date, however, consider the potential challenges and how to address them. Take slow steps in the relationship, being respectful of the necessary balance between it and your family. Don’t proceed with unrealistic expectations, just relax and have fun.