She sighed, dramatically.“Youtalksoweirdsometimes.Ihate it.”.
“Youhateit?”Igotupandwalkedover totheTV.Rising to my tiptoesStanding on tiptoe,Ipeeredbehindit.Ispottedthepostcardamid asttangleofcables.I leaned againstI reached overtheTVbut came up shortand reached for it.“Youseemed . . . …relativelyfondofme.-”My fingers came up short. I left the postcard where it was andstoodup.“-Whenyouwerehere.”[CB1]
Shesighed[CB2].“Don’tyouthinkthatwegotalongsowellin Californiaout herebecausewebothknewithadanending?Wewereabletoignorethe thingswedidn’tlikeabouteachthe other.”
I silentlyeyedtheunreachablecard.She’dmadeadecentpoint.ButIwonderedwhatthingsshehatedaboutme.“Sonowthereare . . . …thingsyouhateabout me?”[CB3]
Shewasquiet;thenfor a moment.:“Itdoesn’tmatter anymore.”
Iwalkedbacktothecouchandsatdown.“No,Isupposeit doesn’t.”
Whenshespokeagain,shestartedadifferentconversationalthread.[CB4]“Sohowareyoudoing?”
“I’mfine.I’vejustbeenbusywiththelive show.”
“Iknow.Yousaidthatinyoure-mail.”
“Oh.Well,Iguessthere’snothingelsetosay, then.”
Shesigheddramaticallyagain[CB5].“Areyoumadat me?”
“Mad?”Iputmyhandtomyhead[CB6].“No.Justconfusedor something.”
“Whatareyouconfused about?”
“Uh . . .…,”Iwould’velikedtohashthisout, andthatwould’ve been seemed possiblewiththeIreneI’dmetinCalifornia— becausethatgirlhad seemedreasonable—, buttheisIreneonthephonewas beingseemedpig-headed.“Forget it.”
Silence,theworstone yet.
“Well,”Ifinallysaid,“I’ll . . . [CB7]…letyougetbackto the songwriting.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“Takegood care,”she said.
“You, too.”
“’Bye.”
“’Bye.”
[CB8]Ihungupandlaydown,;hopingsleepwouldtake me. Butmymindheldmefirmlyinconsciousness.[CB9]TheisdiscrepanciesybetweenwrittenandspokenIrene,pastand
presentIrene,wereasmaddening.Ihadhadherandshehadslippedfrommygrip.ButwhenIhadhadher,Ihadn’theldher.Shehadsimplybeenwithme.Andnowthatshewasgone,Iwantedtoholdher.Buttherewasnothingtoholdexcepttracesofsomeonewhodidn’texistanymore.[CB10]IconsideredthelocketIhadgivenIreneandthepaperinside.Shehadmywords.Washoldingthemcaptive.Andwiththewordscame me.[CB11]
Nightfinallycame[CB12],andIwasthankfultohavetTheUnderbellytoescapegoto.Mychurningmindcould useneededthedistraction.IlefttheapartmentasIhadfoundit: empty.[CB13]
Igottotheclubatnine9andwentinside.Themainroomwascrowded,andIwatchedpeoplemovethroughdim,redlight.Somepushedasidetheredvelvetcurtainscirclingthemainroomanddisappearedintoprivacy.Atthefarendwasaglass-enclosedD.J.boothinfrontasmalldancefloorcrowdedwithpeople.Withmyheight,Iwas able toseeoverthecrushofpeople,butsawnoother3MXstaffers.Iorderedadrink.[CB14]
[CB1]I made some edits to improve the flow, but dialogue still seems a little choppy because it is interrupted by so many actions. Perhaps the postcard retrieval attempt can be moved down (to after he hangs up).
[CB2]Irene sighs several times during this conversation. If this isn’t something you wish to emphasize/play up comically, you may want to vary her mannerisms. Note that someone who sighs a lot in response to another’s confusion or hurt will seem shallow or callous. If that’s not what you intend for Irene, you may want to soften her tone.
[CB3]This is repetitive. The dialogue works well as it is, so I'd suggest adjusting the thoughts that precede it. Even varying the wording a bit would help (e.g., But I puzzled over what I'd done that had been so awful . . .). However, you could develop his thought process even more—have him spin off into anxiety over certain traits or events.
[CB4]The dialogue itself will make it clear to the reader that Irene has changed the subject abruptly. If the silence preceding it is particularly long or uncomfortable, describe that. You might even give us a bit more of the narrator’s internal monologue before Irene interrupts.
[CB5]See my previous comment about Irene's mannerisms.
[CB6]Could you describe this action a bit more? Is he rubbing his temples or forehead? Or is he just resting his head on his hand?
[CB7]I understand your use of ellipses to indicate suspended thought as part of Zip’s speech pattern, but it can grow a little tiring for a reader to see so many ellipses. Maybe there’s another way to convey the same idea?
[CB8]This is maybe a bit too verbatim of how people speak. I can definitely see this as an accurate depiction of a phone conversation, and you capture realistic speech very well overall, but this is impeding the flow of the scene a little too much. Consider rewording to give more impact—maybe Irene hangs up or maybe in narration, Zip puzzles over how awkward the ending of the conversation was.
[CB9]I’m not sure what this means. Perhaps simplify the language a bit: “But my mind raced” or something similar.
[CB10]This is repetitive and risks losing the reader’s interest. See if you can condense it a bit and avoid the overuse of held/hold.
[CB11]I don’t quite understand your intentions here. A locket is pretty small, so what sort of message would have fit in it? Can you describe this gift more? Also, the phrase "And with the words came me" could mean a few things. My interpretation is that Irene carries a piece of Zip with her as long as she keeps the locket with his words. Is that correct?
[CB12]This transition seems a little abrupt, as we've just gotten a glimpse of Zip's thoughts and are engaged in his experience. Maybe add a few more lines to touch on things that happen while Zip is still in the apartment (see my suggestion about moving the postcard retrieval action to after the phone call). This way, we could get more insight into his conflicted feelings before he gets fed up and escapes to the club.
[CB13]This is a little confusing. The apartment isn't empty; it's full of furniture/belongings.
[CB14]The description of the Underbelly could use some revision. There's repetition (the club was crowded) and some of the images aren't clear (the curtains encircling the entire room, for example). Also, the reference to other 3MX staffers is confusing—did Zip call friends to meet him there, or is this a regular hangout spot (which is why he chose it)?